Losing One's Hope
Summary: Jasper feels awful about almost attacking Bella on her birthday. He starts to think that the Cullens are better off without him. Alice sees this in her visions, and that's where she starts to lose all hope. PreEclipse
Chapter 3: Past
I would wait.
Waiting would become my new hobby; sitting and waiting felt right.
I'd been sitting on the foot of our stairs, waiting for the front door to open.
Don't get me wrong, the door always opens, but I'd been waiting for a certain person to walk through it.
For two weeks.
Two, long, agonizing weeks, I'd been in the same position. I only moved, if Esme had to clean, when Carlisle had forced me to hunt, when Rosalie had dragged me to my bathroom to shower, and when Emmett tried to cheer me up, and I always got irritated and angry.
The railings and the last step of the stairs were like my best friends. They'd accommodated me without hesitation. Not like they could turn me away; they were inanimate.
I began to doubt my sanity. I was describing lifeless objects as my best friends. Vampires were also lifeless objects, no life, and no soul, just like the stairs.
I'd lost the only person that actually made me feel human. I'd lost the rock that kept me firmly in place. He walked out of the very same door I'd taken to staring at. I remembered his face, confusion and reluctant. Jasper Whitlock was a man I loved very deeply. He took care of me, loved me in ways no one else could (or would). He was there every time I needed him, except now.
It was for the better, he said.
Yeah, and I was a bloodsucking vampire that loved hideous-smelling, huge dogs called werewolves.
The last two things I said, all lies. Lying is a habit nobody can avoid. I bet all of my money even the holy ones lies.
When I finally confronted Jasper about my vision, it wasn't exactly the best approach. We were having a great time when suddenly, poof, I crashed the party. I could remember every little detail, like how I picked up a tree and chucked it at him. Okay, so I admit, I got a little violent. If you were in the same situation and had super strength, you would've done the same thing.
I felt his eyes staring at the back of my head. I knew I shouldn't have looked at his face, but I did. And I regretted it. I have never seen that many emotions in one's face. His eyes were pleading. Several times he had opened and closed his mouth, wondering what to say. "You knew." He stated.
"Yes, I did."
My eyes silently went blank for a second, as I anticipated what he was going to say. "I'm sorry." That was not what I saw, so it caught me off guard.
"You're what?" I asked in a disbelieving voice.
He made a poor attempt to smile, really poor attempt. "I'm sorry you had to see it. But, it is for the better. I do not belong here. I only cause chaos for this family, you and everybody else deserve better."
I sucked in a breath, "Did you – did you think of the effect of your leaving will do to this family?" I stood up and began pacing back and forth in front of him. "Think of Esme, for example. She's a train wreck without Bella and Edward. You will just make it worse if you left too!"
He also stood up, as he ran a hand through his hair. "But, if I go, you will have Bella and Edward back."
"It's Edward we're talking about, Jasper. He's absolutely stubborn. Do you think he'll come back to Forks that easily? We don't even know where he is. He might be in Italy or China for all we know!"
He looked down, as I felt a large amount of sadness take over me. "I'm Jasper Whitlock. I've killed and fed on humans, I've also killed thousands of clueless, newborn vampires. I'm a monster." He looked down, unable to stare at me.
"And I am Mary Alice Brandon-Whitlock. I've fed on humans, but I've changed my ways. Every time I've fed off a human, I would see their families, and it would break my heart. I've been feeding off animals for-" He opened his mouth to say something, but I silenced him. "That's why we don't feed off humans anymore, we want to be different. Even though we're damned to this kind of live forever, at least we're better than others. We are not monsters Jasper, you're not a monster."
I heard him groan. "Please just understand, Alice. Please."
"I don't understand! That's the thing! Why do you have to leave? Why didn't you tell me? Can't I come with you? Why do you blame everything on yourself? What if you get hurt? What if you die and nobody knows that you're dead? Are you going back to Texas, to Maria? Do you miss the action? Do you miss her? Do you miss killing newborns? Is our life boring? Is that why?" I stomped and whined. My tone was desperate and angry. "I don't understand, Jasper! Enlighten me if you can, but frankly, I don't think I ever will understand!"
"You can't come with me." That was all he said.
"Why not?" I demanded.
He took a deep breath, "You have a wonderful life here, and I will not take you away from that."
"Don't be stupid, Jasper!" I yelled, as I leaned on a nearby tree. "I have a wonderful life here because you're here with me."
He stared at me silently, his eyes apologetic and pleading.
"Don't you love me?" I whispered. The sadness in my voice surprised me.
"I do. I really do, Alice."
"Then why are you leaving me?" I asked in the same sad voice.
"Alice . . ." He sighed. "Please don't be difficult."
"You're the one being difficult, Jasper, not me." I felt the tree lift, and watched it fly towards his direction. He yelped in surprise, and quickly ducked out of the way.
He looked at me disbelievingly, "You threw a tree at me."
"If you will leave, Jasper, you will take my wonderful life away." I quietly whispered, as I collapsed on the ground, burying my face on my hands.
And he did, he did take my wonderful life away.
Oh, the door just opened, I knew I shouldn't get my hopes high. It was just Emmett.
He smiled broadly and I don't like it. That meant he was going to talk to me; he'd try to cheer me up. Bring my Jasper back, and I would.
He walked towards me, and sat next to me. "Hello, Alice." He greeted. His face was dimpled as he smiled at me. "Could you see if it'll rain? I wanted to go play baseball. Carlisle told me it was a great idea."
I nodded and closed my eyes, trying to concentrate.
Nothing came. Seconds passed, minutes, still nothing. "Did you see anything?" Emmett continued to ask.
"I can't see anything." I sounded frustrated, and I am. Why couldn't I see anything?
"Why?" He asked, "I really, really wanted to play. It's so boring without Edward or Jasper to – oh, sorry Alice." He apologized, once he noticed he slipped.
I groaned, "I can't see anything! What the hell is wrong with me?" I continued to keep my eyes closed, trying to concentrate really hard.
"You're eyes are closed, open them and you'll see something." Emmett teased.
I whacked him on the head, "Will you stop? I'm trying to – oh!"
A child with long, straight, jet black hair was sitting on her bed, playing with a doll. She was smiling as she tried on different clothes for her toy.
"Hello, Mary Alice." A petite, dark haired woman greeted as they entered a room.
A man, also with dark hair, entered the room from behind her and walked towards the bed, where the child was looking at them curiously. "How is my little girl?" He gave her a kiss on the forehead, as he kneeled next to the bed.
"Good morning Mother, Father." She smiled and greeted curtly.
The man smiled broadly at her. "Do you want to meet your new little sister, Alice?" The mother looked sternly at the father, but he just shrugged. The mother walked towards the two, and sat on the bed.
The child, Mary Alice was her name, looked at the bundle of blankets her mother was carrying. She frowned, and looked at her father.
"There is no need to be afraid, Alice." He reassured her. It seems that every time her father called her Alice, the mother would frown and click her tongue disapprovingly, but she was ignored.
"Who is afraid, Father?" She quietly whispered, as she turned her head and stared at the baby.
"Don't you want to be a big sister?" The father asked.
Mary Alice never removed her gaze, "You will love her more than me." She whispered.
The mother scoffed, "With the way you are acting? I already do." She muttered, Mary Alice didn't hear it, but the father glared at her.
"Your mother and I will love you both equally, Alice." The father once again reassured her.
Mary Alice watched curiously as the baby started giggling. She slowly smiled and touched the baby's cheek cautiously. The mother closely eyed her. "What is her name, Mother?" She asked.
"Cynthia." The mother replied.
"I could . . . take care of her . . . if you need a helper." Alice lifted her gaze from her new sister, towards her mother, a big grin on her face. Her mother stared back, her face was blank. Mary
Alice's face flashed a hint of hurt, but as quickly as it came, it was gone. She turned to her father, as they both shared identical grins.
"Can I take care of her?" She asked quietly.
Her mother said nothing, but her father beamed. "Of course you can, Alice. You are her big sister."
I frantically sat up and breathed heavily. Wait. Sat up? The last thing I remembered was sitting on the stairs, trying to find out if Emmett could play baseball.
"Oh!" I heard a shriek that definitely sounded like my sister, Rosalie's voice. "She's awake!" I watched her cautiously sit down on the edge of the bed. I was in my room, though I had no idea how I got there. Moments later, Carlisle, Esme, and Emmett walked in.
Esme dashed towards the bed and sat next to me. "Are you alright, dear? What happened? Did you see anything?" She worriedly threw questions at me, too fast for even a vampire to hear.
I watched Carlisle put his hand on her shoulder and calmed her down.
There was so much love. I envied them.
I turned to see Emmett holding Rose's hand, as he stood next to her. Rosalie took a moment to look up at his face; he flashed his large, goofy smile which surprisingly, Rose returned with her own, more elegant one.
There was too much love.
I wish I had someone here. I idiotically looked at the other side of the bed, as if by some miracle, he would be there. But he wasn't, of course, and I slowly found my gaze towards the window. He had always stared at it; I always wondered what was so interesting.
"Alice." Carlisle broke me out of my reverie. "What happened? Emmett told me that he was asking you if the weather would be nice for baseball. You told him that you couldn't see anything, but then suddenly you did." Ah, Carlisle was a great leader. I admired him immensely.
"It must have been some hell of a vision since took you so long." Emmett chuckled.
I felt my brow furrow in confusion. "How long was I gone?"
"It was an hour, or so," Carlisle answered.
Esme took my hand and patted it comfortingly. "What did you see, sweetie?"
"I think I saw the past," I muttered. "Something's wrong with me."
"What do you mean?"
I sighed, "It's been days since I saw a real vision. I tried to see one, but there was nothing. I couldn't see anything. I thought that maybe it was just a reaction, due to the circumstances I'm in now. So I didn't panic." I wondered if I made any sense. "I saw myself in this vision. But it was weird, I was a little child. I saw my mother and father's face. And my sister, Cynthia, though she was just a newborn baby."
Everyone was silent; calculating this bit of information.
"What does that mean, Carlisle?" I couldn't take the silence any longer.
He looked thoughtful. "I'm not quite sure yet. There may be a chance that you are starting to remember parts of your life, your memories."
What I saw was true? That was what my parents looked like? I saw the hate from my mother's eyes, but the love from my father's eyes was enough for me.
"I saw my mother." I whispered, "She hated me already, and I looked like I was about four years old."
Esme gave me a motherly hug, as I started to quietly sob on her shoulder. After awhile, Emmett and Carlisle left. I pulled away from Esme's grasp. "Rosalie, Esme, thank you." I quietly told them.
Esme smiled and left, muttering something about cleaning the attic. Rosalie however, stayed.
"Rosalie?"
She looked up, "Yes?"
"You're still here. Did you want to talk about something?" I tried as much as I could to keep rudeness from entering my voice.
I heard her sigh quietly. "Alice," she began, "I know we haven't been very close, even though we've lived in the same house for years. If you need anyone to talk to, I'm here. I know I haven't been the nicest person, but I want to change."
That was . . . surprising, to say the least.
"Thank you, Rose. But I just want to be alone right now, if you don't mind." I murmured.
"You should shower again." She sent me a small smile before quietly slipping out of the room.
What was happening to me? My visions were a mess, and I was seeing the past.
I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate.
Jasper Whitlock.
I tried to locate him, what he was going to do, anything.
I saw nothing but black. Not even the tiniest bit of the future.
Okay, this was getting really frustrating. Now I couldn't even learn if my husband was alive!
Relax, Alice, relax. Breathe in, breathe out. Try again.
"Any luck?" A deep, amused voice suddenly interrupted my concentration. Due to the sudden appearance of the voice, I yelped and fell off the bed. The good thing was: I fell gracefully, if that was even possible.
I carried myself back onto the bed, and glared at the intruder. "What are you doing here? Can't you see I'm trying to concentrate?" I grumbled. I was embarrassed and frustrated, which is a very clear sign to leave me alone.
"I heard." His tone was sad.
What did you hear? The fact that my husband left and didn't want me to come, or that I can't see the future anymore? Or maybe you heard that I'm now a psychic of the past? There's a lot of news now.
"All of them." He answered my thoughts. Stupid, mind-reading vampire.
"Why do you think you can't see the future?" He asked. Edward was leaning on the wall, and for that I was grateful. Everybody was trying to comfort me, rub my back and assure me. I needed some space.
"I think it has something to do with Jasper leaving. It's upset me too much." I sighed sadly. "Or maybe I'm losing my touch. Maybe my gift was just temporary."
He nodded silently, as I felt my mind being probed. Do you think he's alright?
"Yes, I do think he'll survive. He's a big boy." He chuckled at his petty attempt to lighten the mood.
"Any luck in tracking? Do I see a new job for Little Ed?" I teased and let out half a smile.
He glared at me lightly. "No luck." He shrugged. "Apparently, I suck at tracking."
I nodded, completely agreeing with him. I stared out of the window again. What was so interesting about this window? What did Jasper see that I couldn't? It was just a bunch of trees, and a river, and more trees.
"He finds it peaceful to look at." Edward answered my unasked question. "Whenever he would stare outside, to look at the scenery, he would forget all about the emotions of others. He would feel only his emotion. He found it very stressing to feel every emotion this family feels. It's too
hard for him. I remember him mentioning this to me once. He told me how much your emotions hurt him. He hated the fact that he couldn't make you feel better, that he couldn't make this family feel better."
What an emotional fool.
I turned to Edward. And you know what, Edward, you're the paranoid fool.
"What? What did I do?"
"Did you really have to leave Bella?"
"Alice." He growled in warning.
I rolled my eyes. Just get out Edward; I'll see you the next time you visit.
He looked at me, but I had already looked away.
"You can survive this, Alice. You're strong."
I sighed. "I hope." I heard him grasp the doorknob. "And, thank you." I mumbled when he had stepped out of the room. He heard it, if not by his ears, his mind.
What was I to do?
I'm useless.
I can't see the future. I can't see my husband.
What is wrong with me?
A/N: Hello. Did you like it? Review even if you hated it. ;D
