Spencer's rarely shown temper was boiling inside of him. It wasn't often that it pushed to the surface but there was no stopping it right now. He'd been out pacing through the waiting room, waiting for his turn to go in and visit Remy—and quite annoyed that Jean and Scott had gone in while he was in the bathroom, despite his insistence to them earlier that Remy wouldn't be ready to see them, or even want to see them—when the yelling had reached him. There'd been no one nearby to stop him so he'd snuck down the hall and listened.
It only took a second for him to recognize the hysteria hidden underneath the temper in Remy's voice. His words alone were bad enough; that hint of hysteria, that fear and panic, had Spencer moving, opening the door to the room before he'd even finished thinking about it. When he looked in he was stunned a bit by what he saw. Remy was sitting up in bed and yanking at his restraints while he shouted at Jean and Scott, who were standing near the foot of the bed almost like they'd stepped back from him, their expressions clearly shocked from everything they were hearing. The whole room was almost throbbing with the amount of emotion that was boiling over in here.
Jean was trying to hold a hand out Remy's direction, her voice soft and sweet. Spencer could've told her that wouldn't work. When Remy's panic got up like this, soft wasn't the way to get through to him. He was buried so deep in his own shock and hysteria, inside of his own pain, that quiet words would never reach through to him. There was only one way to break through it and Spencer knew he had to do it quickly before Remy yanked too hard on that arm and tore his stitches. That was why Spencer snapped out a furious sounding "Enough!"
It caught everyone's attention, Remy's included, and had all the eyes in the room turning towards him. Spencer ached inside to see the pain in Remy's face and to feel it rolling off of him, but there was still a manic light in Remy's eyes that told him his friend wasn't all the way there right now. He was adrift in a sea of his own emotions and Spencer knew from experience just how to ground him and bring him back in. Keeping his voice firm, he moved confidently into the room, looking nothing at all like his usual shy, laid back self. "Remy Etienne LeBeau, what on earth do you think you're doing? Lay back and quit thrashing around before you pull out your stitches or I'm going to call a doctor in here to sedate you. Is that what you want?"
Scott looked stunned by Spencer's words, but Jean was watching Remy and she saw the way that Spencer's firm voice seemed to get through like none of their words had. She put her hand on Scott's arm and drew him back a few steps. Catching Spencer's eye, she discreetly nodded towards the door. When he nodded back, she led Scott away.
Spencer was grateful that Jean was smart enough to get them out of here. This wasn't something they needed to be here for. Taking a deep breath, he made his way up to the bed. His hands were surprisingly steady as he straightened the blankets around Remy and then checked to make sure no blood was coming through the bandage. Remy lay there silently the whole time and allowed him to do it. He said nothing as Scott and Jean left, or as Spencer looked him over.
When the young doctor was satisfied, he put his hands on his hips and faced Remy head on. "I know those two can be frustrating, but screaming at them is not the best answer, Remy. What if you'd torn your stitches open?" Keeping up the calm façade, he reached out to the little table by Remy's bed and picked up the cup that Jean had used earlier to give Remy a drink. He offered it to him and, after a moment, Remy accepted. He let Spencer give him a small sip before he pulled back and turned his head away.
Spencer knew, of course, what Remy was trying to do. He'd done the same thing last time. He tried to push people away. It had worked plenty of times before. If he got harsh enough, or nasty enough, he could make people go away. Spencer was the first person in his life who he couldn't manage to chase away. The last time, he'd said some horrible things to him, nasty things that had still hurt even though Spencer knew he didn't really mean them. He hadn't let it chase him away then and he wasn't going to now.
However, he could tell it was coming, and he tried to brace himself for it.
"Whatever." The low word from Remy was heavy with a feigned indifference. "Dey shouldn't ask about t'ings dey don't want de answers to. If dey didn't want to know dat Remy was a fag, dey shouldn't have put deir noses in his broken relationship."
The use of the word 'fag' had Spencer wanting to flinch. Just barely did he manage to restrain it. He didn't let himself falter at all as he set the cup back down. He'd known coming in here what this was about. Logan had already told him about the things Rogue had told the house. Plus, hearing what he had from Remy as he'd listened to the yelling had really brought it all home. Spencer had suspected for quite a while that Remy was gay, though he'd doubted that Remy would admit to it. Not with the way he'd been raised and things that had happened to him in life. Hearing it fall from Remy's lips now was surprising. It was also sad. He'd hoped one day Remy could come to terms with it on his own, peacefully, without all this pain.
He took too long to answer and Remy's lips curled up into a sneer. He rolled his head back over and shot Spencer a mocking look. "What, didn't y' hear dat part? Remy's shocked. Everyone else knows apparently. Why don't y'? Didn't no one tell y' know Rogue found out dat Remy was in love with another man? Dat's why she left, y'know. Cause she knows Remy's a fuckin' freak." He huffed out a laugh that was so full of pain it made Spencer wince. Then, the next words he said took Spencer's already broken heart and almost shattered it. "Ironic, aint it? Y'r de one who saved me, an y'r de whole reason I was dere to begin with."
Silence filled the hospital room. Spencer knew that he probably looked like he'd been slapped. A part of him registered that Remy looked that way as well. Obviously, he hadn't meant to say those words, but they echoed between them now, out there in a way that he would never be able to take back.
Pain washed over Remy's face and his restrain rattled a little as he obviously tried to lift a hand. "Spencer." This time, there was no mocking edge to his voice, no anger. Just a wealth of regret and heartache.
Before Remy could say anything more, Spencer held a hand up. It cut off whatever the Cajun had been about to say and plunged the room into silence once more. For a moment longer the two of them were quiet as they stared at one another. Spencer fought to lock down the feelings that were burning in him from Remy's words. Only when he was sure his voice would be steady did he finally lower his hand and speak.
"I can forgive you for that." He said slowly, his voice steady and his eyes right on Remy. "I can do it because I understand—far more than you give me credit for. I didn't cut myself open, but I did do other things to hide from what I feel for you. But I learned to come to terms with it. I learned to come to terms with myself. You will too, eventually, even if it doesn't seem like it right now. You'll come to realize that being gay isn't a bad thing and it doesn't change who you are. And I'll be there to help you, no matter how hard you try to push me away. But," To Remy's surprise, Spencer's expression hardened ever so slightly. "I will warn you right now, Remy LeBeau, I won't stand and let you cut me down. You yell at me and I guarantee you I'm going to yell right back. I won't just sit back and take it like Scott and Jean were. If you want to fight, be prepared because I'm going to fight right back with you. You're going to have enough people treating you like glass. I won't add to it. Now, my five minutes are probably up, and I need a moment anyways to calm down. I'll send Ororo in to visit you if you're ready."
That said, he turned and left the room before anything else could be said or done, leaving Remy to his thoughts.
Spencer managed to keep his cool as he made it down the hallway and even through walking into the waiting room. He kept things under control when he saw the group standing there. Jean, Scott, Ororo, Logan, even Derek was still there. The blankness of his face was just as telling as any anger or heartache, though. Those that knew him well took one look and immediately understood that something had happened in there. Derek took a small step forward, just enough that he could brush the tips of his fingers over Spencer's arm. "Reid?"
Shaking his head, Spencer tried to clear his brain. That one sentence kept playing back through his mind. "Ironic, aint it? Y'r de one who saved me, an y'r de whole reason I was dere to begin with."
He had been the reason for that? It was because of what Remy felt for him that he'd tried to take his life? That left Spencer feeling sick inside. Only by sheer force of will did he manage to not get sick right then and there. He was quite proud of how steady his voice was when he spoke up again. "Ororo, I think he's up for a visit with you if you'd like to go back. I'm sure he needs someone with him right now."
"Of course."
The weather goddess stopped beside him to stretch up and press a light kiss against his cheek. When she was gone, Spencer turned as if to head towards the bathrooms, anywhere that wasn't here. But Derek was still right at his arm and Spencer felt his friend's fingers curl around his elbow and pull, drawing him away from everyone. Behind Spencer's back Derek exchanged a quick look with Logan, who gestured for Jean and Scott to stay back. Then the feral followed after them. Something had happened, they could both see that. Right now there wasn't much that they could do to help Remy. Not while he was here. But they could help Spencer.
For his part, Spencer just felt sort of numb as Derek led him over to the nurses' station. After asking them a question, which Spencer didn't even bother to try and hear, he then pulled Spencer down the hall and into an empty room. There was a part of him that knew that he was probably scaring his friends with how he was acting. The rest of him, however, couldn't seem to do anything more than keep hearing those words, over and over on a painful loop in his brain that just wouldn't stop. Lost in it, Spencer let himself get tugged inside and pushed down into a chair. He was grateful that the hands on him moved away. He didn't want to be touched right then. He didn't think he could handle it. Not and keep the little amount of composure he was clinging to.
The room stayed quiet for a moment as the other two men settled in. Derek took the chair near Spencer, turning his enough so that he was angled towards his friend, while Logan took up post over by the door, leaning back against it almost like a guard. Resting his arms on his thighs, Derek leaned forward so that he could catch Spencer's gaze. "What happened, Reid?"
There was no hesitation from Spencer. The words bubbled up like they'd just been waiting for permission to get free. The answer he gave them was the last one either man had expected. "Rogue broke up with him because he's apparently in love with me. He told me it's my fault. Ironic, aint it? Y'r de one who saved me, an y'r de whole reason I was dere to begin with. Those were his exact words." A shudder ran down Spencer's body and he lifted a hand to wipe over his mouth. All over again he felt like he was going to be sick.
Head bowed the way he had it, he missed the fury on Derek's face, or the sharp way that Logan was looking at him. By the time Spencer lifted his head again they both had their expressions smoothed out.
"It hurt." Spencer admitted. Now that the words had started, they kept coming. Here with these two where he knew he was safe, it was easy to talk. "I won't lie. I really hurt. I mean, the idea of loving me was enough for him to want to die, Morgan. I know that it's not personal or anything like that. It's years of internalized homophobia that pushed him to this. But at the same time, there's this part of me that just…that just can't help but think 'what does that say about me?'" Spencer voice broke on the last few words and he had to stop to get his composure once more. His hands came together in front of him and he twisted them in the self-soothing gesture he'd used for years. "Like I said, I know logically that it really isn't meant as a personal affront against me. Just like I know that Remy never would've said that if he wasn't so dead set on trying to push everyone away. But, I just, I don't know what to do here. What am I supposed to do?"
"There's not a lot you can do right now." Derek told him gently.
"He's right." Logan said. "Right now, all you can do is be there for him. That's all any of us can do."
Of course. As if Spencer was going to be anywhere else. He wasn't going to leave Remy to deal with this on his own. He was confident he could get Aaron to grant him some time off. Remy wasn't going to be able to get rid of Spencer for a while. Keeping his best friend alive was far more important than anything else in his life. Staying with Remy—that was never in question here. Spencer blew out a breath and shifted his gaze away from them, staring at a point on the wall. "I told him I loved him to. That I had for a while."
Derek sucked in a sharp breath. He was the only one that Spencer had actively told this. He knew that Logan had figured it out; the man was too smart for his own good. But Spencer had only ever told Derek before. He'd been too convinced that nothing would ever come of it for him to want to put himself out there around anyone else. Derek's voice gentled even more. "Reid."
"You know, I used to imagine what it might be like when I told him." A low, slightly broken laugh slipped from Spencer. He dropped his head down to stare at his hands and he had to blink rapidly just to keep the tears from falling. "I never imagined a scenario where he was lying in a hospital bed after trying to kill himself and he tells me what he feels for me made him do it."
There was nothing really that anyone could say to that.
Remy spent the rest of his afternoon hating himself. In his life he'd hurt plenty of people—too many, really. This wasn't the first time that he'd hurt someone, or even the first time that he'd hurt Spencer. But it left a heavy, sick feeling in his stomach nonetheless. That feeling only got worse as time passed and Spencer didn't come back in to see him. He'd really done it this time. He'd hurt him so bad he'd actually pushed him away. It was what he wanted, of course. It was what he'd been aiming for. But, Dieu, it hurt. Spencer had always been his one constant. He'd always been the person there, the one that Remy couldn't chase away, the one who saw beneath all the masks to the terrified boy inside and yet still stuck around, still cared.
Of course he ran, his mind snarled at him. What did you expect? You basically told him this was his fault. He knows now how fucking dirty you are. Do you really think he wants to stick around?
Remy tried not to be sick.
The afternoon hadn't gotten any better after that. He'd refused to see both Ororo and Logan. He didn't want to end up hurting anyone else any more than he already had. The only person he couldn't stop from seeing him was the psychiatrist who had come in to talk to him. Usually, talking to a shrink was the one thing that Remy really didn't want to do. He also knew it was the one thing that Spencer would've asked of him. If, you know, he'd been there. Part of Remy's brain hissed at him It's the least you can do for him. And really, was it that hard? Remy had already screwed up everything else. He'd already screwed over his life. Why not make it complete? With that fatalistic attitude, it was surprisingly easy for Remy to just open up and rant at the shrink who sat calmly beside his bed and listened to every snapped, snarled, even shouted word. For almost an hour Remy had ranted about everything that was going on inside of his brain.
He'd been refreshingly, brutally honest. It had almost been as if someone else was speaking for him. There was something sort of freeing, he discovered, about feeling like you've sunk as low as you possibly can. You stop giving a damn about what anyone thinks because, really, what can they think that's worse than what you do?
One good thing that came out of it was his restraints were removed after that session. Honestly, Remy was stunned by it. But the shrink had calmly said that, while wildly depressed, Remy currently wasn't a risk to himself. Remy wasn't so sure, but he wasn't going to argue that. He was out of the restraints at least. No one told him about the conversation Spencer had with his psychiatrist about Remy's past mental history, or about what was going to be done in the future. No one told Remy that, in the eyes of the hospital he was essentially being signed into Spencer's care.
Free of his restraints now, it allowed Remy to curl himself up in his bed, curling in on himself as his mind continued to berate him. He couldn't believe he'd hurt people he cared about like this. Not just the pain from his attempted suicide; he'd known that would hurt them—he just hadn't planned on being here after to see it all. It was also the words he'd said, the things he'd shouted at them all, that were ripping into him now.
He'd seen the shock on Jean and Scott when he'd shouted at them. He could perfectly recall the stunned look as well as the pain that had been on Spencer's when he'd shouted at him, too. What kind of man was he that he did these hurtful things? None of this was anyone's fault but his own. Pushing the blame off onto them was pathetic and cowardly. How appropriate.
With a sigh, Remy sat up in bed, crossing his legs. What the hell was he going to do? Rogue had left him, and he knew now that pretty much the whole household knew about it. He couldn't go back there. Not to that. And despite Spencer's earlier comments, he had no doubt that he'd alienated his friend. He was alone.
What had he gotten himself in to? At the time, it had seemed so easy. The absolute best solution. In one move, the pain would be gone. He wouldn't have to deal anymore with the shame and self-loathing. But now, he was stuck here. He was going to be forced to deal with all of it. Still, he could have covered some of it up. Used some kind of excuse, gave his family only half the story. But in a moment of temper, his emotions not quite right, he'd blurted out his biggest secret, and he'd screwed up what remained of his life. How long would it be before everyone knew? Word would spread like wildfire. There were plenty of people out there he knew that would get a kick out of seeing Gambit brought low. Hearing that his girl had left him because he was some fairy who loved his best friend, and that he'd then tried to kill himself, would make their days.
Nerves tight, Remy stood and started to pace the room. He remembered seeing a bag brought in earlier—the nurse had told him it was from his friend Logan—and he quickly moved to the bathroom area to look through it. The idea of putting on regular clothes sounded heavenly. Remy hated the hospital gown they had him in. He didn't care if it was against regulations; he wanted out of this damn gown.
Sure enough, there were real clothes in the bag. Dieu bless Logan for that.
It helped a little, being in normal clothes again. But the white bandage stood out on his arm, and the ache of his stitches was a constant reminder.
He resumed pacing, trying to order his thoughts. All he wanted was his life back. But, it had been so long since he had been happy. Really, truly happy. He'd tried so hard with Rogue. He'd worked hard to build a life with her. A life like the one people thought he should have. He'd played up that image and worked hard to build and maintain it. But…maybe that was the problem. When you have to try that hard with someone to be happy, shouldn't that tell you that they're not the one for you? But what his heart wanted, his head couldn't wrap around. It was, wrong. Wasn't it?
He dropped back onto the bed, frustrated all over again. How do you match your brain and your heart together when they both say different things? He couldn't erase from his mind what Spencer had said to him, about loving him for a long time. Or hearing his voice when he'd been on that balcony, the tears and honest fear in it. There was love there. He couldn't deny that. But he also couldn't forget the look Spencer had when he'd turned around after Remy had thrown those words at him. For a second, there had been a world of pain that mirrored his in those dark eyes.
Dieu, he just needed to get out of here. Get away from the hospital, away from everyone. At least at a hotel or something he could try to hide.
A rueful chuckle escaped at that thought. Yeah, right. Like they'd let him out of their sight now.
As if to attest to that, someone tapped at his door before coming in. When he saw who it was, he couldn't even be annoyed at having his 'no visitors' rule disturbed. How could he ever be annoyed when faced with the sight of his sister? Remy felt his lips curl up just the slightest bit in a smile that was mostly honest. "Stormy."
Ororo gave him that warm smile of hers that always left him feeling completely and totally loved. "Brother." Without hesitation, she came right over to his bed and sat down with him. Reaching out, she caught hold of his hands in hers. "I know you requested to see no one, but I couldn't wait. I needed to at least come in and see you with my own eyes. I needed to see that you were okay."
His heart throbbed a little in his chest at the pain he could hear in her voice. Here, too, he was messing things up, hurting people that he cared about. "Je suis désolé, mon sœur."
Her thumb stroked soothingly over the back of his hand. "Hush. You don't have to apologize to me."
"Oui, I do. I didn't want to hurt y', petit. I really didn't."
"Hurting is a part of loving someone. You accept the bad alongside the good. Trust me, Remy. The good I gain from our relationship far outweighs any bad." She tilted her head to better look at his face and offered him a gentle smile. "I was hurt by this, but mostly I was scared." The words came so easily to her. She never seemed to have a problem talking to him about things.
He let out a shaky breath and tried to keep himself under control. He didn't want to end up hurting her the way he had everyone else today. "Je sais. I know I scared y', an I'm sorry fo' it. I don't…I don't really have an excuse. Remy was just actin' stupid, petit."
"I wish you'd told me that you were hurting, brother." Pausing, his beautiful sister, this woman he'd taken into his heart and who had taken him into hers, looked like she was close to tears. "I wish I'd noticed the pain you were in. I cannot help but feel I should've seen something."
Immediately Remy sat up straight. "Non, Stormy. Non." He tightened his good hand over hers and tried to make his voice stronger, to make sure that she heard and understood what he said next. "Petit, I'm here because of me, no one else. Not y', not Rogue, not no one. Dis is all on Remy. Y' can't blame y'rself cause y' didn't see anyt'ing. I didn't want y' to see anyt'ing. I didn't want y' to see dis part of me." How dirty I am. How wrong. I didn't want you to stop loving me. "Dis t'ing—dis t'ing inside of Remy, it's been dere fo' a while now. I just, I knew how wrong it was. I was raised better'n to t'ink dat way. So, I fought it, fo' a long, long time. Dis was just…I got tired of fighting."
"There is nothing wrong with you." Ororo insisted firmly, with all the authority in her voice of one who had once commanded an entire people to do her bidding.
Dieu, grant me patience, he thought to himself. He'd be damned if he blew up at Ororo too. But his temper, so volatile today, was simmering just below the surface and he could feel it bubbling up at what she had probably meant to be kind words. He held it in as best as he could and tried to keep his voice normal. "Dere is, cher, an I know dat. I've known it fo' a long time. Just, now, dere aint no more hiding it. Everyone else knows it as well. I'm…" The word stuck in his throat for a moment, this one word that he'd spent so long denying, that he'd been taught was something that he should hate about himself. It stuck in his throat and he had to fight to push it out. "…I'm gay, Ororo. I may not like it, mais it's dere. Dat don't mean I'm gonna act on it. I can't deny it anymore, though. Not when I know Rogue's done told everyone. Dere's a part of me I aint ever gonna be able to get rid of dat's in love with Spencer in a way I shouldn't be, an it's because of no one but me. I fucked m'self up. I fucked m'own life up. I destroyed everyt'ing with dis. So don't sit dere an tell me dere aint not'ing wrong with me when we both know better'n dat."
A note of hysteria was creeping into his words. He cut off quickly, trying to calm it back down. He almost lost control of it when he saw Ororo's face go soft and careful. "Okay, Remy." She said gently. "Take a breath. Calm yourself, please. I'm sorry for pushing you. You've had a long day; we do not need to do this right now."
As he looked at her, Remy realized that this was what Spencer had meant earlier when he mentioned people being careful around him. He'd called it just right. They were going to treat him with kid gloves now, not wanting to trigger anything in him. Oh Dieu, how frustrating.
Remy just barely leashed his temper. Somehow, he found the strength to sit there and make small talk for a little longer, until finally Ororo had to leave. She hugged him tight before she was ushered out of the room by the nurse.
Alone with his thoughts once more, all Remy could think was 'What am I going to do now?'
