Disclaimer: Don't own them, don't control what happens.
A/N: Thanks again for all the reviews or Alerts, it means a lot. For some reason I think Lindsay came off a bit un-emotional in this. I haven't got a clue why. I've started to refer to Angell as Jen now, it seems easier this way. I should've done it from the start. Silly girl. Reviews would be nice.
"So, are we just going to avoid the subject?" Jen asked casually as she pulled the door open for Lindsay.
Lindsay glanced at her before walking into the hallway of the apartment block. During the car ride over Lindsay had carefully maneuvered the car, as well as the conversation away from the topic of her and her feelings. By taking their light banter in other directions, she thought she had successfully avoided any awkward conversations. She talked about everything from the weather to what exactly Jen's relationship with Flack was. She thought she was safe, she thought she wouldn't have to go into the details of last night.
Obviously, she thought wrong.
Lindsay pressed for the fourth floor as the doors of the elevator closed. She stood straight, her shoulders tense as she felt Jen move next to her. She hoped they weren't going to do this now. Not when she had to focus on the case. "Alright, so we are avoiding the subject then," Jen said, and Lindsay sighed. So they were going to do this now.
"I really don't think this is the time," Lindsay told her as she kept her eyes fixated on the numbers slowly lightening up on the wall.
"I think this is the best time."
Lindsay rolled her eyes at the comment. Of course this was the best time. "I don't understand why you're persisting on something that isn't real."
"Something that isn't real?" Jen looked at Lindsay, wondering if the woman in front of her was delusional. "I saw the way you were walkin' this morning. I know when something's wrong." Lindsay remained focused on the numbers that were progressing in front of her. One more and she would be safe. "What's wrong, Linds?" The soft tone Jen's voice made Lindsay briefly close her eyes.
The elevator dinged and the doors slid open, revealing a long hallway of apartments. The two ladies walked along the hallway before stopping in front of John Howard's door. Instead of knocking, Lindsay turned to Jen. "I know you have this idea," she started, her voice low. "And yeah, you're right." Lindsay's eyes narrowed at Jen's triumphant smirk. "But this really isn't the time or the place."
Jen looked down at Lindsay and saw the warning look in her eye. Even though it would annoy her, and probably gnaw at her insides until she found out, she was able to let it go. She turned back to the door and sighed. "Let's talk to Howie then," she muttered and rolled her eyes slightly at Lindsay's soft laughter.
Danny looked down at the evidence in front of him, trying to make sense of the substance in front of him. It was some type of gooey…light reflecting …thing that they had retrieved from the Brooklyn Bridge jumper. He tilted his head, wondering why he was stuck on lab and desk work again. He knew he shouldn't complain since Mac always had his reasons, but it annoyed him being stuck in the glass walls, churning out results.
Danny frowned at the evidence in the Petri dish. It was useless really, he couldn't focus. He growled in frustration and tore off his gloves. A lab tech could figure this out; he knew that he was hopeless if his mind wasn't on the job. Figuring that the evidence probably wouldn't be of much importance, since Stella and Hawkes were already running a few leads, Danny left the lab to head for his office. There was a stack of paperwork that seemed to have taken permanent residence on his desk, and he knew that without a case, he would have to sit down and deal with it.
Suddenly, half way to the office, Danny halted in the middle of the hallway. It dawned on him that he was heading to his office. The office he shared with…
Lindsay.
Danny's heart tightened in his chest as he thought about her. The same nauseous feeling settled in his stomach as he remembered the way Lindsay looked at him. Her bright eyes focused on him as he tried to tell her that he didn't want to lose her. He wanted to keep her. He wanted to apologize and keep her safe. He wanted so many different things, and yet couldn't have any of them.
It was still fresh in his mind, even though he spent most of last night and today trying to forget. Everything was still clear, all the wounds open. If he closed his eyes, he could still see her looking at him. Her eyes wide and scared as he stared at her, not knowing what to say. She told him to leave, her voice soft and hurt. In the darkness of his dreams, he could still hear her.
Danny's shoulders slumped forward as he looked down the hallway, contemplating what to do. He hadn't seen Lindsay all day, which was odd as he would have assumed she'd appear in the lab at one point. Now going over that fact, he thought it could be possible that she may be stuck at her desk as well.
Looking at the people working around him, Danny considered going to the break room instead. She wouldn't want to see him. It didn't matter that his body ached from not being close to her, he had to give her space. How he was going to do that when they worked together nearly everyday, he didn't know.
He took a deep breath before hitching his glasses further up the bridge of his nose. This was crazy; he was an adult for crying out loud and was more than capable in handling the situation. Though, that didn't stop him from carefully pushing the door to his shared office open. His eyes darted across the room and found that it was in fact empty.
Heading straight for his desk, Danny frowned slightly. Where was she? The rational part of him reasoned that she must have been busy, that's why he hadn't seen her. The irrational side however, a side that he listened to more than he should, demanded to know why she hadn't come across him. He missed her damn it, and was upset that he hadn't got the chance to see her, even if it was only for a moment.
His frowned deepened as he looked at the pile of files, sitting neatly in the corner of his desk. They weren't that neat last time he checked. No, last time they had been messily placed all over his desk. He figured Lindsay must have tidied it for him. She always hated his mess. She would tease him, saying he would get lost underneath it if he weren't careful. He would tell her that if that happened, he wanted to get lost with her. It was cheesy, and she had always rolled her eyes at him, but that never stopped the faint blush on her cheeks.
Yet again, his heart squeezed at the memories surrounding Lindsay. He wished he could talk to her, but he knew that wasn't possible. Maybe they would never talk about their situation, have it be a big elephant that would always follow them around instead. The frown that seemed to take permanent residence on his face deepened at the thought.
"Supposedly," Flack's loud voice shocked Danny out of his thoughts. He looked up to see the other man leaning against the doorframe. Flack uncrossed his arms from his chest and walked into the small office. He sat himself down at Lindsay's desk, and leaned back in her chair. "Supposedly," he continued, his finger pointing at Danny. "You did something wrong."
Danny dropped his pen to the desk and looked at Flack, clearly suspicious. "Again?" He asked, making sure he sounded nonchalant. There was no way Flack could know. Danny certainly hadn't told him, and he was more than certain neither had Lindsay. "What exactly did I do this time, Donald?"
Flack shook his head and smiled slightly at Danny's uninterested approach to the topic. "You know what you did." He, however, didn't know. All Flack was going on was what Jen had said to him before she had left. He didn't particularly care about what Danny did, his friend's mistakes were all the same to him now, but he saw the look in Jen's eyes when she regarded Lindsay. This must have been worse than anything Danny had done before.
Flack sometimes wondered if Danny had his own personal Fuck-Up Fairy. Everything bad seemed to be aimed at him lately, and even though most he couldn't control, Flack assumed that this time, the old Danny Messer had reared his horns again and screwed up.
Danny looked at Flack skeptically from his side of the joined desks. He tried to keep the guilt off his face, as he wondered if Flack knew. He was probably bluffing. "And how do you know what I did?"
Flack shrugged, "Little birdie told me."
Lindsay wouldn't tell him. She would however tell her best friend. Danny nearly groaned he realized. "A little birdie called Angell?"
Flack clicked his fingers, and smirked at the look of annoyance on his friend's face. "Dang, you figured it out."
Danny groaned and looked seriously at Flack. "Man, what exactly she tell you?"
Flack shrugged again. "Not much. She told me to talk to you." He fell silent for a moment, looking carefully at Danny. Annoyance, guilt and worry were all clear on his face as he stared back. Flack sighed, "What did you do?"
"You don't want to know," he mumbled tiredly.
"I probably don't, but you're gonna tell me anyway." Flack looked at him, his eyes trailing over the other man's face. "This shit is eatin' you up. What happened?"
Danny sighed, leaning back in his own chair. "I screwed up, man. I really screwed up."
"Well, what else is new?" Flack smirked at Danny's glare. "What, forget Monroe's birthday?"
Danny was taken aback slightly at Flack's accuracy. "Well, yeah…But that's not the main screw-up."
"Then what is?" Flack regarded Danny. He looked fidgety, twiddling his thumbs absently as he frowned slightly, seemingly deep in thought.
"I slept with Rikki."
Danny was as wide eyed as Flack. He hadn't meant to blurt it out like that. He was supposed to explain himself first, like he had done with Lindsay. But now he had opened his big mouth and was facing a shocked Flack. He winced when Flack leaned forward, bracing his forearms on Lindsay's desk. He knew what was coming.
"Let me get this right," Flack said, trying to keep his voice steady. He wouldn't take sides. Well, not yet at least. "You…slept…with Rikki. As in Rikki Sandoval? As in Reuben's mom Rikki? As in grieving mother Rikki? That Rikki?"
Danny rolled his eyes in frustration, "How many other Rikki's do we know, Flack?"
"Are you saying you actually had sex with Rikki?" Flack couldn't get his head around it. He knew he was pissing Danny off, but he just didn't understand. The last time he checked, Messer and Monroe were fine. Everything seemed normal, they joked around at work, and outside of work hours, they seemed to be glued together. Normally by their lips.
"Yeah, we had sex," he shook his head slightly. "I'm such a dick."
Flack laughed lightly, "Took the words right outta my mouth." The fact that Danny obviously regretted his actions made Flack glad that his friend hadn't totally reverted back to his old self. That Danny used to treat woman like objects, never caring if he hurt them. He'd admit that at one point he did the same but that was beside the point. Now, it was clear that Danny berated himself severely over his actions. "You tell Lindsay?"
"Yes." His voice was a whisper as he hung his head, deciding to concentrate on his clasped hands instead.
Flack nodded and kept his voice low as well. "What she say?"
Danny closed his eyes as he remembered their conversation. He could recall everything, word for word. Her voice still floated inside his head and he wished he could get rid of it. It hurt to hear her voice more than it hurt to hear the voice of his conscience. "She said a lot, Flack. She asked me if it was worth it." He shook his head in disgust. "I couldn't answer. I couldn't, man. I didn't know what to say."
Flack nodded again, as if he understood. "Well, was it worth it?" Danny looked up at him. "Was what you had with Rikki that good?" Danny continued to stare him, just like he did with Lindsay. Words failed him. "Was it really worth it, man?"
"You gonna talk to me now?"
Lindsay turned around from her locker to face Jen, who was sitting on the bench in the locker room. After nailing Howard and one of his buddies for the murder of Jenks, Jen and Lindsay had clocked off for the night. Lindsay knew it meant that Jen would resume her quest in finding out what was wrong. There was no way she could avoid the conversation now.
"If I have to," Lindsay replied, as she closed her locker and leaned secretly against it.
Jen looked around the room; no-one was in the room except for them but she still figured they'd be better off having this discussion at Joe's. She had a feeling Lindsay would need a drink in her hand while going over whatever happened. She nodded towards the door, "How 'bout we go to Joe's first?"
Lindsay pushed herself off the lockers and shrugged. "Let's go then."
Once inside the noisy bar, the pair moved towards an empty booth at the back. Lindsay sat opposite Jen and looked around, taking in the different people scattered around. She tried to gather her thoughts, tried to bring everything forward in her mind, but it was hard. After spending most of the day trying to avoid thinking about her situation, Lindsay now didn't know what to say. Words failed her.
"What can I get you?" A waitress appeared at their booth and Lindsay stared at her, not really focused. Luckily for her Jen ordered them two bottles of Miller Light before Lindsay had time to process what the young woman had asked.
"So," Jen started, resting her elbow on top of the table. She placed her chin in her palm and looked at Lindsay, concentration obvious on her face. "What did Messer do?"
Lindsay shook her head at first. She didn't know where to start. He had done so many different things to her that she was confused over what she felt. He had hurt her, torn her heart right out of her chest. He had stepped on her feelings, crushed all her hopes of having a normal relationship for once. He had broken his promises to never leave her. He had betrayed her, made her feel worthless. He had made her love and hate him at the same time.
The waitress placed their beers on the table and smiled sweetly at them as she collected their fare. Lindsay watched her walk off, her hips swaying with confidence which caught various eyes as she walked back to the bar. "He came over last night," she started, before taking a drag from her bottle. "He explained a lot to me. Told me about Reuben, about how he felt…"
Lindsay's eyes grew darker as she remembered what he had told her. "He kept apologizing. At first I thought he was sorry for leaving me out. For pushing me away…" She shook her head and took another swig from the bottle. She was now glad Jen hadn't decided to talk to her in the locker room; she definitely needed alcohol to get through this.
"He slept with someone else."
At first Jen nearly didn't catch what she had said. Lindsay's voice was quiet, and if she hadn't been listening so intently, she would have missed what Lindsay told her. But she had heard, and was shocked over what she had just learnt. Messer had slept with someone else. He had cheated on Lindsay. The son-of-a-bitch had cheated on her best friend.
"Did he tell you who with?" Her voice was low too, as she couldn't make it go over a harsh whisper. If Jen raised her voice she knew she would probably start shouting about how much a fucktard Danny Messer was.
All Lindsay could do was nod sadly, and choke out her name. "Rikki Sandoval." The name felt like acid on her tongue, burning her every time she talked—or thought—about her.
Jen blinked. "Fuck."
"Yeah."
The two sat in silence for a few moments, the information sinking into Jen's hazy mind, and Lindsay trying to forget about the pain that settled in her chest. She grabbed her bottle from the table to find that it was already empty. Glancing at Jen's blank face and then at the bar, Lindsay sighed and contemplated buying another beer. Or something stronger.
Finally, Jen found her voice. She looked at Lindsay carefully, weighing up all the different things she could tell her friend. When it came down to it, she realized that nothing she said would make Lindsay feel better. So she stuck with the most simplest of things, "What now?"
Lindsay looked at her, her eyes big in the dark. They sat there, eyes locked onto each other, both trying to search for an answer. Neither could find one. Lindsay didn't know where she stood. She didn't know what was happening. Everything seemed to be moving around her, and yet here she stood, watching it all go by. And that scared her.
"I don't know," her voice wavered as she ran a hand through her short hair. "I don't know, Jen." She looked at her, despair clear in her open eyes. "What am I going to do?"
Jen reached over and grabbed Lindsay's hand sympathetically. She wanted to shout at Messer, rip him to pieces because of what he had done. But she would stay calm; she had to since Lindsay needed her to be strong. "I don't know either." The tears that formed in Lindsay's eyes appeared in hers too. "I don't know." Jen squeezed her hand when Lindsay looked down. "But whatever happens, Monroe…" Lindsay looked up at her, her eyes watery and vulnerable, and Jen gave her a small smile. "You got me right here to kick any guy's ass if they even think about hurtin' you."
Lindsay laughed despite the situation. She let go of Jen's hand and swiped at her eyes. "If anyone's going to be doing the ass kicking, it's me."
"That's my girl," Jen grinned. Quickly she looked behind her, staring hard at the bartender at the bar. As he glanced around the bar, he caught her eye and held onto it. Jen smirked at him before turning back to Lindsay. "Right, what time is your shift tomorrow?"
Lindsay frowned at the abruptness of the question. "I don't start until three."
Jen grinned wickedly, "And I have the day off." She nodded towards the bartender at the bar. "He seems nice. Looks sorta bored." Her grin widened when she saw something click in Lindsay's mind, and the smile started to form on her friend's lips. "I say we go keep him busy. What with all the shots we're gonna buy."
