Chapter 3
Back 100 Gibillion lightyears...
"Oh Shit!" Captain Picard said, gripping his space seat! "What was that?"
Data pointed, "It came from the pool room!"
"Swimming or billiards?" Picard asked gravely.
"Swimming."
Picard looked at Harry longingly, whom was stupefied, then brought his palms to his temple, murmuring "Shiiiiiit," sweetly.
"Captain!" Harry puffed his chest out, "I'll go check out whatever's going on in there."
That's when Harry dropped his wand by accident. They both went to grab it and their hands touched in a cute way.
"Sorry," said Picard.
"Sorry," said Harry.
"But wait," Captain Picard stammered, "you can't go! It's too dangerous and you're far too important to me!"
Harry gave Captain Picard a gentle peck on the head.
"I'll be back... buddy." He tussled the hair that the Captain would have if he wasn't bald and shouted the invocation, "Transporto homo!"
Harry was in the pool room.
The pool was full of water -illuminated by those circular underwater lamps. Lounge chairs and inner tubes surrounded the edges of the water - by the no running signs painted on the patio. But there was not a soul around, save Harry, who noticed just how alone he was just then.
"This must be the work of Voldemort," Harry said to himself out loud. He got down on his hands and knees and started scrounging for clues. But just then, Harry felt a strange feeling. It was as if his bottom had just been touched! All of a sudden his anus was sore! But it was no distraction for Harry: he saw something moving with the circulating currents in the pool: a big, giant turd. His jaw dropped. Shocked, his wand fell straight into the water.
Harry gulped and reached for his wand, but it was too late! It was a tad too far out into the water. He lunged - and the splash from his hand spun the wand; its tip struck the mighty turd and it stuck the side of it. Looking left and right, Harry realized there was no other way, so he leapt into the pool and nabbed his wand. But once he had swum to the side and hoisted himself up, he noticed the turd was still stuck on the tip of his wand. He tried to scrape the poo off his wand on the side of the pool, but when Harry tugged, he slipped because his shoes were wet. The turd went whirling through the air, and not a moment after Harry had landed on his back, the turd landed on his face. Harry, panicked and thinking it was a large beetle, swatted at it. This smeared the poop all over his hands and face. Harry scrambled up. The turd, mushed and soggy like a squashed frog, fell to the floor, and in his confusion, Harry slipped and fell on it! This time, however, he was unable to get back up. The slimy turd was so rolled out like and omnipresent, like a soggy, slimy pizza crust before baking, that wherever Harry's limbs fell they met the fetid goop! He couldn't get a grip on anything, so he just wallowed in it like a pig in a sty for a minute. but then Harry remembered his special powers: He was a parseltongue, so he just slithered out of the soupy poop mess to safety - to the intercom! He must warn the others not to swim in the pool!
"Captain!" harry shouted, leaving a brown, stinky fingerprint on the intercom button.
"Harry!" a relieved voice called back.
"Captain, it appears somebody has shit in the pool, here."
"Shit."
There was a silence.
"Wait: Harry... we don't have a pool"
Harry turned around. There was no pool, just a turd, a mashed turd, slither tracks in the poop, turd angels all over the floor, but certainly no pool. All of a sudden, dripping, Harry licked his lips. He felt pretty shitty.
