AN- THE THIRD INSTALLMENT.

I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING.

FAIRY TALE: JACK AND THE BEANSTALK.


Sasuke's eyes shot open.

"Where the hell am I now?"

He was in a bed.

There was once upon a time a poor widow,

"Don't tell me I'm a girl again.

who had an only son named Jack,

"Am I Jack?"

Yes.

"Sweet."

and a cow named Milky-White.

"Milky-white?...We can do better than that right?"

No.

And all they had to live on was the milk the cow gave every morning, which they carried to the market and sold.

"Why am I so poor? Who am I? Naruto before the Ninja Academy?"

But one morning Milky-White gave no milk, and they didn't know what to do.

"What a Useless cow. It's funny but when I think of a useless cow...Sakura comes to mind.

Sasuke walked out of the bedroom and in to the font room. A puff of smoke appeared in front of Sasuke. When it cleared, his eyes widened.

"YOU!"

In front of Sasuke stood Anko Mitarashi in all her glory.

"...Are you my husband in this story? I mean I'm cool with it and all but I don't know if you are and-"

"Let me stop you right there. I am not, or ever will be your husband."

"Suit your self kid. You don't know what your missing..."

"A snake-like Vagina?"

"What was that?"

"I didn't hear anything."

Snake woman, Say your lines.

"What shall we do, what shall we do?" said the widow, wringing her hands.

"It figures that you are a Widow." Sasuke said.

"Cheer up, mother, I'll go and get work somewhere," said Jack.

"We've tried that before, and nobody would take you. In other words you forever will be unemployed." said his mother. "We must sell Milky-White and with the money start a shop, or something."

"All right, mother," says Jack. "It's market day today, and I'll soon sell Milky-White, and then we'll see what we can do."

So he took the cow's halter in his hand, and off he started. He hadn't gone far when he met a funny-looking old man,

"Hey Uchiha boy!"

"I know you..." said Sasuke. "Your that toad guy who trained Naruto."

"I have a name you know. I'm surprised you haven't heard of me. I'm famous you know."

"I know your name. Your first name is 'I don't' and your last name is 'Care'."

"So you think your funny huh? Why I oughta..." Jiraiya said.

Hurry and say your lines.

Jiraiya cleared his throat and spoke., "Good morning, Jack."

"How would you know my name if we just met?"

Don't question it. Just say your line.

"Good morning." said Jack.

"Well, Jack, and where are you off to?" said the man.

"I'm going to market to sell our cow there."

"Oh, you look the proper sort of chap to sell cows," said the man.

"I look like a cow salesman? Really? Is that a common profession? I wonder what there yearly income is..." Ranted Sasuke.

"I wonder if you know how many beans make five."

"What the hell? Doesn't five beans make five? This doesn't make any sense. 6 beans can't make five because 6 is not five. Is this fairy tale for retarded people?" Sasuke ranted again.

Shut up and continue.

"Two in each hand and one in your mouth," says Jack, as sharp as a needle.

"Can't I put all five in one hand? I'm beginning to think this Jack person just might be illegally retarded."

"He sort of reminds me of Naruto." Jiraiya added.

"Right you are," says the man, "and here they are, the very beans themselves," he went on, pulling out of his pocket a number of strange-looking beans. "As you are so sharp," says he, "I don't mind doing a swap with you - your cow for these beans."

"So I'm going to sell a Chouji sized cow, for 5 retarded looking beans? Even the beans look retarded! This whole story is retarded.

AHEM!

"No." says jack. " Because I'm not dumb. My cow is worth far more than your retarded looking beans."

"Sasuke that wasn't your line."

"Ah! You don't know what these beans are," said the man. "If you plant them overnight, by morning they grow right up to the sky."

"No frikin way...It's just not possible that the human race let someone this retarded be reproduced."

"Really?" said Jack. "You don't say so."

"Yes, that is so. And if it doesn't turn out to be true you can have your cow back."

"I might aswell skip this whole thing. The bean thing is total bull-"

"Right," says Jack, and hands him over Milky-White's halter and pockets the beans.

Back goes Jack home, and as he hadn't gone very far it wasn't dusk by the time he got to his door.

"I can't believe I sold a cow for beans. I am officially a moron."

"Back already, Jack?" said his mother. "I see you haven't got Milky-White, so you've sold her. How much did you get for her?"

"You'll never guess, mother, I did something wonderously unbelievable." says Jack.

"No, you don't say so. Good boy! Five pounds? Ten? Fifteen? No, it can't be twenty."

"I told you you couldn't guess. What do you say to these beans? They're magical. Plant them overnight and - "

"What!" says Jack's mother.

Anko slapped Sasuke.

"Ow! The hell?"

Ooooh Improvising...I like...Please continue.

"Have you been such a fool, such a dolt, such an idiot, as to give away my Milky-White, the best milker in the parish, and prime beef to boot, for a set of paltry beans?

Anko slapped Sasuke a second time.

Take that!

A third Time.

Take that!

A fourth time.

Take that!

A fifth time.

"OW! If you slap me one more time lady I will Chidori you in a very uncomfortable place!"

"You mean my snake?"

"Whoa I don't want my arm chopped off."

And as for your precious beans here they go out of the window

Anko threw the beans.

"Anko-san you are suppose to open the window first."

. And now off with you to bed. Not a sip shall you drink, and not a bit shall you swallow this very night."

"All I understood in that sentence was bed. I'm sleepy anyway so yeah..."

So Jack went upstairs to his little room in the attic,

"Little Room in the Attic?" I'm not Naruto damnit."

and sad and sorry he was, to be sure, as much for his mother's sake as for the loss of his supper.

At last he dropped off to sleep.

When he woke up, the room looked so funny. The sun was shining into part of it, and yet all the rest was quite dark and shady. So Jack jumped up and dressed himself and went to the window.

"Wait a minute I went to sleep with clothes on so there was no need to dress myself...unless..."

His eyes wdened.

"ANKO!"

And what do you think he saw? Why, the beans his mother had thrown out of the window into the garden had sprung up into a big beanstalk which went up and up and up till it reached the sky. So the man spoke truth after all.

"Wow...Just...Just wow...I bet I'm gonna climb that thing."

Your right.

"Figures.."

The beanstalk grew up quite close past Jack's window, so all he had to do was to open it and give a jump onto the beanstalk which ran up just like a big ladder.

"How oddly Convient."

So Jack climbed, and he climbed, and he climbed, and he climbed,

"Damn how tall is this thing?"

and he climbed, and he climbed, and he climbed till at last he reached the sky.

"I reached the sky? So what is the rest of that big blue stuff I'm looking up at?"

And when he got there he found a long broad road going as straight as a dart. So he walked along, and he walked along, and he walked along,

"All this damn traveling would be no problem if I could use Chakra."

Stop Complaining.

till he came to a great big tall house, and on the doorstep there was a great big tall woman.

"I know her. She is on Kurenai Sensei's team."

Hinata Hyuuga was on the door step.

Lines.

"Good morning, mum," says Jack, quite polite-like. "

"mum? SHe isn't my mother.

Could you be so kind as to give me some breakfast?" For he hadn't had anything to eat, you know, the night before, and was as hungry as a hunter..

So Now i'm walking up to Random Hyuuga strangers and asking them for food. What if she is a chronic Masturbater and uses it as an ingredient in all her food?"

What is "IT?"

"Never mind..."

"I-I-I-It's breakfast y-you w-w-w-wwant, is it?" stuttered the great big tall woman. "I-I-I-I-It's breakfast y-y-y-you'll b-be if you d-d-don't mm-m-mmove off from here. M-m-m-my m-m-m-man is an oo-o-o-o-ogre and there's n-n-n-n-n-nothing he likes b-b-b-b-better than b-b-b-b-b-boys b-b-b-b-b-bbroiled on t-t-t-t-t-t-toast. You'd better be moving on or he'll be c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-coming."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"That was the most annoying sentence I have heard in my life. There isn't any word that you didn't stutter over. I thought it was ok when you got to the last sentence but ...that last word...was horrible."

Hinata hung her head in shame.

Shut up ands say your line.

"But you just said shut up."

Sasuke...

"Ok ok..."

"Oh! please, mum, do give me something to eat, mum. I've had nothing to eat since yesterday morning, really and truly, mum," says Jack. "I may as well be broiled as die of hunger."

Well, the ogre's wife was not half so bad after all. So she took Jack into the kitchen, and gave him a hunk of bread and cheese and a jug of milk

A Hunk of bread? A Jug of Milk? That way of talking is so Third Hokage Era."

But Jack hadn't half finished these when thump! thump! thump! the whole house began to tremble with the noise of someone coming.

"Of Course I didn't..."

"Goodness gracious me! It's my old man," said the ogre's wife.

"What happened to the stuttering?"

I told her who her husband is.

"What on earth shall I do? Come along quick and jump in here." And she bundled Jack into the oven just as the ogre came in.

He was a big one, to be sure.

Naruto Uzumaki stood in the doorway.

"N-nAruto-kun."

At his belt he had three calves strung up by the heels, and he unhooked them and threw them down on the table and said, "Here, wife, broil me a couple of these for breakfast. Ah! what's this I smell?"

Naruto sniffed the air.

"Fee-fi-fo-fum,
I smell the blood of an Englishman,"

'I'm a Japanese Ninja. What the hell is he smelling?' Sasuke thought.

"Be he alive, or be he dead,
I'll have his bones to grind my bread,

Or at least my Ramen instead."

"Nonsense, dear," said his wife. "You' re dreaming. Or perhaps you smell the scraps of that little boy you liked so much for yesterday's dinner."

'Oh so we're eating people again?'

Here, you go and have a wash and tidy up, and by the time you come back your breakfast'll be ready for you."

So off the ogre went, and Jack was just going to jump out of the oven and run away when the woman told him not. "Wait till he's asleep," says she; "he always has a doze after breakfast."

"So Yet again I'm in a house where some of the inhabitants do not know of my being here."

It seems that way.

Well, the ogre had his breakfast, and after that he goes to a big chest and takes out a couple of bags of gold, and down he sits and counts till at last his head began to nod and he began to snore till the whole house shook again.

"Did Naruto just fall asleep while counting?"

"H-Hai Sasuke-kun."

Then Jack crept out on tiptoe from his oven, and as he was passing the ogre, he took one of the bags of gold under his arm, and off he pelters till he came to the beanstalk,

"SO I'm commiting Unarmed Robbery now."

and then he threw down the bag of gold, which, of course, fell into his mother's garden, and then he climbed down and climbed down till at last he got home and told his mother and showed her the gold and said, "Well, mother, wasn't I right about the beans? They are really magical, you see."

"I never doubted you son!"

"...Really Anko...?"

So they lived on the bag of gold for some time, but at last they came to the end of it, and Jack made up his mind to try his luck once more at the top of the beanstalk.

"So I'm about to commit a crime yet again?

So one fine morning he rose up early, and got onto the beanstalk, and he climbed, and he climbed, and he climbed, and he climbed, and he climbed-

"GODDAMNIT THIS DAMN BEANSTALK NEEDS AN ELEVATOR! ALL THIS DAMN CLIMBING IS CHAFFING MY THIGHS!"

-and he climbed till at last he came out onto the road again and up to the great tall house he had been to before. There, sure enough, was the great tall woman a-standing on the doorstep.

"Hey Hinata."

"Hi S-S-Sasuke."

Those aren't your lines.

"Good morning, mum," says Jack, as bold as brass, "could you be so good as to give me something to eat?"

"Go away, my boy," said the big tall woman, "or else my man will eat you up for breakfast. But aren't you the youngster who came here once before? Do you know, that very day my man missed one of his bags of gold."

"I know, I stole it."

Sasuke...

"I meant, That's strange, mum," said Jack, "I dare say I could tell you something about that, but I'm so hungry I can't speak till I've had something to eat."

Well, the big tall woman was so curious that she took him in and gave him something to eat. But he had scarcely begun munching it as slowly as he could when thump! thump! they heard the giant's footstep, and his wife hid Jack away in the oven.

"I hope she doesn't turn the oven on."

All happened as it did before. In came the ogre as he did before, said, "Fee-fi-fo-fum, Ramen is Yum Yum" and had his breakfast off three broiled oxen.

Then he said, "Wife, bring me the hen that lays the golden eggs."

"There is a hen that lays golden eggs?"

So she brought it, and the ogre said, "Lay," and it laid an egg all of gold. And then the ogre began to nod his head, and to snore till the house shook.

"Sleep again Naruto? You Narcoleptic bastard."

Then Jack crept out of the oven on tiptoe and caught hold of the golden hen, and was off before you could say "Jack Robinson." But this time the hen gave a cackle which woke the ogre, and just as Jack got out of the house he heard him calling, "Wife, wife, what have you done with my golden hen?"

And the wife said, "Why, my dear?"

'I get to call Naruto-kun dear! I can die happy!'

But that was all Jack heard, for he rushed off to the beanstalk and climbed down like a house on fire. And when he got home he showed his mother the wonderful hen, and said "Lay" to it; and it laid a golden egg every time he said "Lay."

"You got a chicken that craps out gold...if that don't sound painful." Anko said

Well, Jack was not content, and it wasn't long before he determined to have another try at his luck up there at the top of the beanstalk.

"And so my crime spree continues."

So one fine morning he rose up early and got to the beanstalk, and he climbed, and he climbed, and he climbed, and he climbed till he got to the top.

"I hope the next fairy tale has elevators."

But this time he knew better than to go straight to the ogre's house. And when he got near it, he waited behind a bush till he saw the ogre's wife come out with a pail to get some water, and then he crept into the house and got into the copper.

"Home invasion step 1."

He hadn't been there long when he heard thump! thump! thump! as before, and in came the ogre and his wife.

"Fee-fi-fo-fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman," cried out the ogre.

"I keep telling you Narrator, I'm Japanese and a Ninja."

I do not care.

"I smell him, wife, I smell him."

Naruto put his nose in the air and then entered Sage mode.

NO JUTSU!

"Awww."

He turned back to Normal.

"Um... How can you do that while we are still 12 and or 13?" Hinata said.

"...Do What?"

"Do you, my dearie?" says the ogre's wife. "Then, if it's that little rogue that stole your gold and the hen that laid the golden eggs he's sure to have got into the oven." And they both rushed to the oven.

But Jack wasn't there,

"SUCKERS!" Sasuke screamed.

luckily, and the ogre' s wife said, "There you are again with your fee-fi-fo-fum. Why, of course, it's the boy you caught last night that I've just broiled for your breakfast. How forgetful I am, and how careless you are not to know the difference between live and dead after all these years."

So the ogre sat down to the breakfast and ate it, but every now and then he would mutter, "Well, I could have sworn -" and he'd get up and search the larder and the cupboards and everything, only, luckily, he didn't think of the copper.

"How convenient."

After breakfast was over, the ogre called out, "Wife, wife, bring me my golden harp."

"A gold harp? This guy is loaded!"

So she brought it and put it on the table before him. Then he said, "Sing!" and the golden harp sang most beautifully. And it went on singing till the ogre fell asleep, and commenced to snore like thunder.

"Harps don't sing."

Then Jack lifted up the copper lid very quietly and got down like a mouse and crept on hands and knees till he came to the table, when up he crawled, caught hold of the golden harp and dashed with it towards the door.

"Burglary step 2."

But the harp called out quite loud, "Master! Master!" and the ogre woke up just in time to see Jack running off with his harp.

"So inanimate objects have the correct internal organs to engage him human speech now."

Jack ran as fast as he could, and the ogre came rushing after, and would soon have caught him, only Jack had a start and dodged him a bit and knew where he was going. When he got to the beanstalk the ogre was not more than twenty yards away when suddenly he saw Jack disappear

"He just Shushined!" Naruto yelled.

No he didn't. You did.

and when he came to the end of the road he saw Jack underneath climbing down for dear life. Well, the ogre didn't like trusting himself to such a ladder, and he stood and waited, so Jack got another start.

But just then the harp cried out, "Master! Master!" and the ogre swung himself down onto the beanstalk, which shook with his weight. Down climbs Jack, and after him climbed the ogre.

By this time Jack had climbed down and climbed down and climbed down till he was very nearly home. So he called out, "Mother! Mother! bring me an ax, bring me an ax."

Anko threw an axe at Sasuke which nearly decapitated him.

"Thank you, you bi-"

And his mother came rushing out with the ax in her hand, but when she came to the beanstalk she stood stock still with fright, for there she saw the ogre with his legs just through the clouds.

"I didn't do that." Anko said.

But Jack jumped down and got hold of the ax and gave a chop at the beanstalk which cut it half in two. The ogre felt the beanstalk shake and quiver, so he stopped to see what was the matter. Then Jack gave another chop with the ax, and the beanstalk was cut in two and began to topple over. Then the ogre fell down and broke his crown, and the beanstalk came toppling after.

Then Jack showed his mother his golden harp, and what with showing that and selling the golden eggs, Jack and his mother became very rich, and he married a great princess, and they lived happy ever after.

"Step 3 is Murder." Began Sasuke. "The moral of this story is don't trust old men who already know your name before you meet them."


AN- PLEASE REVIEW! I THRIVE ON THOSE! ALSO CHECK OUT THIS STORY CALLED THE NINJA ALL STARS TOURNAMENT BY HANA-01. IT'S AWESOME AND IF YOU LIKE THIS STORY YOU WILL LOVE THAT ONE.

BUT PLEASE REVIEW!