I liked kissing you.

I liked kissing you.

Four words have never made my mind hurt so badly. All I wanted was to hear him say those words over and over in front of me. I wanted so much to hear him say those words, and on top of that to hear him say he loved me just as much as I loved him. But it wasn't going to happen because as he constantly reassured me he wasn't gay. But he sure kissed like he was gay. Or at least interested. I guess I shouldn't judge him that quickly because maybe he's confused and using me to find out what he wants or needs. Maybe I'm alright with that. Maybe I'm just happy I'm getting attention from him. It's sad but it's the truth.

I had no trouble sleeping the night after he made out with me in Carlos's kitchen. Usually I lie awake thinking about him, but this time I didn't. Because when we went back down in the basement Logan and Carlos were passed out, the TV black from shutting down by itself after not being used we didn't just go to sleep. I laid down, snuggling in my sleeping bag, James getting right beside me. I had turned my body to him unable to believe what just happened and he reached out pulling me into him. Our bodies were so close together I could feel his body heating mixing with mine. He kept a hand on my face as he leaned in a kissed me softly. We fell asleep so close, and still kissing. It was the best night of my life.

Except when I woke up, I was alone. Without him. He had left probably way too embarrassed to even face me. I could understand but it hurt way too much to know I could have ruined our friendship. I didn't want to be around Carlos and Logan, letting them question where James might have gone, so I left as well. Except when I pulled up in my driveway I saw his car and I remembered I live next to the dope. I got out of my car fast hoping he didn't notice me or his parents. No one did so I ran as quick as I could inside and hurried up the stairs hoping my mom or sister didn't hear me. Both were probably awake, my mom just back from work. I wasn't that lucky however. On the very middle step I heard footsteps at the bottom of the stairs and then my mom's tired voice. "You're home early." I sighed out turning around and smiled down at her. She was still wearing her scrubs but had her hair down, form the bun she usually wore it in for work. I walked back down the stairs and swallowed hard, knowing if I told my best friends last night, I could probably tell my mom and sister I'm gay. Hopefully it won't make a huge difference, like it did with James. "I thought you boys were staying all weekend?" I saw Katie plop down on the couch behind my mom and smiled small.

"Can I tell you and Katie something?" She frowned and nodded grabbing my hand and pulling me down the rest of the stairs. My mom stood in front of Katie and tore the remote out of her hand shutting off the TV. Katie glared at me stuffing her face with a spoonful of chocolate cereal and I smiled sitting next to her softly. My mom fell back in her chair and crossed one leg over the other. "Uhm…I don't really know how to actually say this because it's not something talk about to…anyone but…" My mom raised her eyebrows and gave em a small reassuring smile telling em it was okay and no matter my mother was going to always be my mother and I would always be her baby. "I'm…uhm…" I swallowed hard and glanced between my mom and sister. "I'm gay." I clenched up and turned my head down to look at the floor, worried and embarrassed. Except I had no need to be either of those things.

"So?" I looked to my baby sister fast and felt my jaw hit the floor. "And…I think everyone already kind of knew." I frowned and crossed my arms over my chest glaring at her.

"Katie Knight…look Kendall…" I turned to my mom who was standing and walking towards me. She got down on her knees in front of me and took both my hand smiling big and shaking her head. "Your sister is right. I already kind of knew. Mother's intuition. And I am so proud of you for telling us when you were ready. You are still the same little boy I used to change." I rolled my eyes but smiled and squeezed my hands, squeezing hers. "Okay! I love you and you can tell me anything anytime but I am so…so tired. You don't mind to you?" I shook my head fast and she pulled herself up on my arm. She kissed my cheek softly and ruffled Katie's messy light brown hair. When my mom walked up the stairs rubbing her head, I turned to Katie who set her cereal bowl down and patted my knee.

"Not to cause any embarrassment between the two of us or any awkwardness but we found out about two years ago. I walked in on you watching…a different kind of porn on your computer." My cheeks went red, but so did hers. We looked away and she cleared her through. "You being gay doesn't mean you're not my brother or that I'm going to see you different. You're still annoying as hell and you're interrupting my Saturday morning cartoons." I smiled and stood up from the couch patting her head. "Love you big brother."

"Love you too baby sister." I walked back up the stairs, my head in cloud nine. I was so happy that after telling my friends and my family the truth, I could easily float up the rest of the stairs. I actually wasn't worried about James for once. I actually wasn't thinking about him. Well until now anyway.

I walked in my dark and messy room, shutting the door softly before tossing my bag on the floor and going to my desk. Just as I was raising my shirt off my back I saw from my window across the way to James's house. He was only in a pair of old ripped light blue jeans that were just hanging on his waist. He didn't even have them zipped or buttoned. My mouth went bone dry and I hated how tight my own jeans were getting. I kept my shirt on as I walked over to my window. I slowly started opening it up seeing his mouth moving. When my window was completely open I moved out of the way quick and sat down at my desk. "Uhm…just give me a minute mom! I need to go to the store for some…tape. Just one minute!" I sighed softly and pulled open my Mac book hoping to get my history paper done as fast as I could. There was no way I could get past the first paragraph without pulling out my hair. There was nothing all that exciting about the war of 1812 but I would just BS it as best as I could.

I don't necessary hate History, I would just prefer not to study it. I was only on my second sentence when I was interrupted which I was grateful for, but then not so grateful for. "Kendall…James is here…again my cartoons were interrupted!" I smiled but it faded quickly hearing footsteps approaching my door. I spun fast just as the door pushed open. He walked in, like he owned the place and shut the door softly. I stayed in my seat as he walked to my bed and sat down. He had a frown on his face that I had to ignore because he looked way to darn sexy. I looked down and spun myself just a little.

"So…why are you home?" I frowned and looked up at him. He smiled and leaned back on my bed sighing softly. "You know I left because my mom needs help with the garage…cleaning it out and shit. What's your excuse?" My cheeks went hot and I smiled shaking my head.

"I didn't want to be there when Carlos and Logan woke up having to explain why you were gone." He nodded slow and I sat up sighing softly. "James about last night…"

"There is a club downtown that I was wondering if you'd like to go with me tonight?" I cocked my head to the side just a little and he smiled. "I already told you…I'm not gay…and I know this club will probably make you think otherwise but we could have fun. Dance, do a little drinking. It's 18 and over but the serve to everyone. I've been wanting to go for a while to…explore but I didn't have anyone to go with and who better than my best buddy on the planet?" He flashed me a truthful, heartwarming smile that pained me but in a good way. I groaned and stood up walking to my closet and pulling the door open. I had no clothes to wear to a stupid club and nothing was good enough to wear even close to James so I was going to turn him down.

"All my clothes are stupid. And I'm a horrible terrible dancer." I turned to see James locking my bedroom door, and then turning to me. "Why'd you just lock my door?" He smirked and walked right up to me making me step back into my closet. I continued to walk back until I hit my clothes hanging up and stopped swallowing hard. He chuckled and leaned against the door frame of my closet door.

"Kendall…you know exactly why I would want to lock your bedroom door." I tried so hard to grab a hold of something with my hands so I wouldn't pass out when he stepped forward and kissed em again. His lips were hot, fast and controlling. He pushed me further into the wall shoving my hanging clothes that were blocking me and pushed his hard body into mine. I grabbed ahold of his strong shoulders to hold myself up while his rough and fast fingers pushed up my shirt and touched my skin. This was defiantly a step forward form last night which was just making out. He was now touching me. Holding me softly and lovingly. His fingertips dug deep into my skin almost to the point of hurting, but I said nothing. One of his legs nudged between mine and I spread them fast. I don't know why he was planning on doing but I was nervous. I had never gotten very far with a girl or a boy, and I've only ever been with a girl. I grabbed one boob and felt between a few soft smooth legs but that was it. I've never had another person touch me, especially a guy. Especially James. It was amazing to say the least but it still was awkward and nerve-racking. I had to pull away from the kiss, as much as I didn't want, but I needed to get my head on straight. He didn't stop. Hi sips just moved down to my neck and sucked on it hard, biting her an there.

"James…what are you doing?" One of his hands moved to my lower stomach and continued to push down even when I started to push on his hard shoulders. "James…" His hand shoved in my pants and I gasped out arching my back and closing my eyes. His hand just kind of stayed there, wrapped loosely on my flaccid dick. I opened my eyes looking up at my closet ceiling and swallowed hard. "James…"

"I've never…never done this before. I've never touched another guy. I don't…I don't know what to be Kendall." I relaxed in his grasps and let one of my hands move to the back of his neck and rub my fingers through his soft brown hair making his face, already pressed in my neck, go a little deeper. There was a soft kiss to my fiery skin before he let go of my dick and took his hand out of my pants. Both hands moved quick to the small of my back and pulled me into his strong body. I closed my eyes and laid my head on his and sighed softly twirling his hair around my fingers. I knew exactly this was. He was probably going to tell me he was confused about his sexuality and that he wanted me to help him decide if he was or not. This has played out in my head way too many times. "I tried so hard to tell myself I'm not gay. But I can't stop…I can't stop thinking about guys whenever I'm with girls. And I lied…I've been to the club I asked you about. I'm not proud of…shit I'm rambling. Just…text me if you want to go with me." He started to pull away but I locked my fingers around the back of his neck. Finally I got to lock eyes with him and see the struggle and pain he was going through. I got up on my toes and kissed his forehead softly.

"I am someone who understands James. You don't have to be ashamed." He closed his eyes and shook his head softly. "I'll go with you tonight…if you want. Or if you just want to talk about…anything we can do that…"

"No I'd really like to go out." I nodded reassuringly and he leaned forward resting his forehead on mine. "How did you tell Logan you were gay?" I smiled and shrugged.

"I just told him I'm gay. It was pretty terrifying actually." He smiled and I felt him pull me in harder.

"I'm pretty scared too." I frowned and he kissed my lips softly, just brushing across them gently. "I'm gay Kendall. And I don't know how to be myself. And I need your help."