Chapter III
Me, Poggi, and D-Go all stared at the horizon, which crept forwards in tandem with the battlesong being sung by the army of rats. No sooner did they appear than their ominous tune hit our ears.
"Rats, we're rats, we're the rats..." They chanted.
"It can't be..." D-Go said, stunned.
"We prey at night, we stalk at night, we're the rats..."
"But it is," Poggi announced. "Quick, arm yourselves!" We quickly got into position: Poggi at the front, thrusting his long, hard, Italian breadstick at the approaching army, D-Go taking out his poorly-cooked intestine-destroying tacos while his pet taco hid in his logo-infected t-shirt, and me continuing to sit in my favorite armchair, soaking in the evening sun rays.
The platoon marched closer and closer, until stopping just several dozen meters away from us, the rat-like smell pervading our noses. Suddenly, the crowd dispersed, revealing a single rat amidst the rest. But this one was different, more...ratty, than the other rats. As it stalked forwards, we readied ourselves. Once it got close, we could see that this was no ordinary rat.
"The size, the ferocity, could it be-" I injected.
"I'M THE GIANT RAT, THAT MAKES ALL OF THE RULES!" It bellowed, sending the smaller rats into a fury.
"LET'S SEE WHAT KINDS OF TROUBLE WE CAN GET OURSELVES INTO!" They all yelled, than charged forwards, their deadly noses perched high in the air.
Poggi was the first to stike. Swing after swing, he brought down rat after rat. But for ever rat he killed, two more appeared to finish where the dead one left off. They soon surrounded hime and entangled him in their flurry of rat-tails.
"Now D-Go!" He ordered. No sooner did Poggi shout did D-Go take a bite of the rancid taco. It did its job, and then some. Instant tummy trauma led to an internal explosion, sending D-Go rocketing into the sky. "The beauty..." Poggi gasped as he removed his spectacles while still being restrained. D-Go fell back to Earth with a loud Mexican Hat Dance, sending a wave of crap flooding towards the army. The force of the blast disintegrated the rats holding down Poggi, yet Poggi himself was conveniently left unharmed.
We all watched as the waves crashed against the army, and cheered as they were swept away. However, our cheers soon quieted as we saw the wave change direction and move towards us menacingly!
"But...how!?" D-Go yelled in disbelief.
"We couldn't have known..." I explained, begrudgingly. "These rats are the Trash Masters' finest; they wanted to get rid of us quickly. These rats...they are the experts in their field, they know their way around a sewer, and anything inside of said sewer including-"
"Crap." Poggi cursed as the rats surfaced from the waste, hanging ten as they surfed along the wave. "Quick, D-Go, hand me one of your tacos!"
"I can't! Only I can handle and harness the power of these disgusting morsels!" D-Go responded.
"We have no choice! It's do or die! Would you rather do, or die?" Convinced, D-Go slowly handed one of his tacos to Poggi, which I immediately slapped from his grasp.
"Not yet," I said. "My monocle...is ready." Poggi and D-Go exchanged wide-eyed glances, and ran to duck behind me.
"Say it." Poggi told me.
"But I don't wanna!" I snapped. "I like rat, nothing bad with rats
"Just do it®"
"Fiiiine...I'M A' FIRIN' MAH LAZER!" I yelled as the concentrated blast of cosmic energy flew from my face and into the wild wave, bringing it to a boil. Defying gravity, the giant rat leaps from the boiling liquid in pain, and I take my shot. The rat is vanquished as it is blasted far away, landing in the non-Trans-Atlantic Land Bridge-covered Atlantic Ocean. It may be able to survive in the dirty sewers, but not in the relatively-clean waters of the world. As it drowns, the wave dissapates, sending the rats flowing everywhere.
"We did it!" D-Go celebrated, as did we. We found a rat floating along the lukewarm trail, and we soon snatched it up.
"Tell us your plans!" We interrogated the frail rat. "We have slayed your leader!"
"Now I get to be the giant rat, surprise!" In an instant it grew five times its size, and soon, we were the ones being threatened.
"Alright, yeah, that's cool. Yeah. I like rats. Nothin' bad with rats!" We pleaded as we were backed into a corner that was suddenly there. Oddly coincidental for the rats, but nonetheless we were trapped. Both D-Go and Poggi climbed onto my armchair, which was now getting quite full.
"Ok, now I kill you." The new giant rat casually said as it leapt at us. However, we had the luck of Gaben on our side, and the rat's lunge hit my armchair's reclinder, causing the power of the attack to send us flying far to the east. "Nuuuuuu!" The giant rat yelled as we flew far past Ohio, West Virginia, Ohio, Delaware, Maryland, and Ohio, until we reached the foot of the Trans-Atlantic Land Bridge. At this point, we began to fall, the annoying effects of gravity taking hold.
Poggi landed first, rolling several times like a trained assassin, until he slowed enough to safely stop. In instant, he reached out and catched me in one hand and D-Go in the other. Though we still came to an abrupt halt, we didn't technically touch the ground, so we survived. D-Go's pet taco saw that it was now safe, and surried away to scavenge, or whatever a sentient taco does on its own. D-Go and Poggi rejoiced, but I wept over the loss of my favorite armchair, no doubt confiscated by what was left of the rat army.
"Don't worry," Poggi comforted me. "The Trans-Atlantic Land Bridge has plenty of native species of wild armchairs, I'm sure you can catch one!"
"Until then," I lamented. "My chronicling just won't be the same." I tightened my robe and started walking on my own for the first damn time in a long time.
"I wonder what secrets the Trans-Atlantic Land Bridge holds..." Poggi said, arms on his hips, looking into the sunset, wind blowing his hair back in a funky way. "Onward!" He commanded. "To Gaben!"
