COUCH POTATOES CHAPTER THREE

"Of all the idiotic, irresponsible.. oh, you five are really going to get it this time! Let's see, detention? No, too moderate. Suspension? No, too common. Deportation? No, too expensive.. and all that red tape..." Kelly was pacing back and forth in his office. "I've got to think..."

"First time for everything, yo!" Toad quipped.

"Capital punishment?" Kelly threatened. "No, too enjoyable, er too illegal..."

"Perhaps ze zoodents haf some ideas?" Fraud suggested.

"Why are you still here?" demanded Kelly.

"Research." Fraud explained.

"Where did I go wrong?" Kelly wondered aloud.

"I just thought of something!" cried Freddy.

"Did-it-hurt?" jeered Pietro.

"A little." Freddy admitted. "But it was worth it! Here's the plan, see: Kelly, you can force me to eat a dozen blueberry pies!" he declared.

"How is that a punishment?" asked Kelly.

"I prefer cherry."Freddy said.

Kelly groaned and rubbed his temples. "Aspirin." he muttered.

"That won't work." Lance informed him. "Believe me, I know migraines. Now what you need is some Tylenol."

"I don't have any Tylenol!" Kelly snapped.

"Then use tobacco." Lance replied.

"I don't condone cigarette smoking!" Kelly spat.

"Hey, don't knock it til you've tried it. I tell you, there ain't a single problem that can't be solved without the assistance of my buddy Nick O'Tine!" Lance asserted. And with that, he whipped out a fresh pack and began puffing away.

"Look at you! Smoking in my office and with a flagrant disregard for authority! Have you no manners?" Kelly yelled. Lance responded by flicking cigarette ash at Kelly's hair. "And don't use my toupee... er, head as an ashtray!" Principal Kelly ordered.

"Then what am I 'sposed to use?" Lance countered.

"I give up!" Kelly exclaimed as he turned around. Tabby used the opportunity to swipe his wallet, but unfortunately she was caught. "Miss Smith!" Kelly bellowed. "What are you doing with my wallet?!"

"Wallet? What wallet? Who's got a wallet?" Tabby feigned innocence.

"Don't play dumb with me, you little.." roared Kelly.

"Heads up, Toady!" Tabby called out as she tossed the wallet.

"Got it, yo." laughed Toad and before Kelly knew what had happened, he was caught up in a game of Monkey-In-The-Middle. Meanwhile, Freddy had discovered Kelly's secret stash of Snickers and was happily chowing down, Pietro took advantage of Kelly's confusion and ran off, and Lance was busily turning Kelly's vacation postcard of Mount Rushmore into Mount Kitopia.

Fraud surveyed the scene carefully. "I vunder..." he said softly.

"Don't let hunger happen to you!" Freddy declared triumphantly as he scarfed down another candy bar.

"Kitty..." Lance purred. His eyes were glued to his latest handiwork.

"Yo, great pass, Tabby!" Toad commented.

"Thanks." Tabby winked. "I liked yours, too." she added. Toad blushed.

"I WANT MY WALLET!" Kelly whined.

"You can have it, yo." Toad was surprisingly compliant as he handed Kelly the wallet.

"It's about time." Kelly grumbled.

"Ja! It's pervect! A vunderous idea!" Fraud announced. Instantly, everyone turned and faced him.

"What's perfect?" snapped Kelly.

"Zem! Zey are ze pervect zubjects for mein new study on yoovenile delinkents!" Fraud explained.

"Back off, buddy! I'm no guinea pig!"snarled Lance.

"Well, I'm game. It sounds like a blast." Tabby grinned wickedly.

"I'm in too, yo." Toad agreed..

"Is a 'delinkent' like a delicatessen?" Freddy wondered.

"Vunderbar! Now, I must find zat udder boy, zen we get started, ja?" Fraud beamed. "Coom on zoodents. Follow me!"

"Tell you what. Why don't you guys just get started without me? I'll catch up." Lance said as he attempted to side-step Dr. Fraud.

"Joo are a foony kid. I like foony kids." Fraud told him.

"Help me out here. What kind of kids DON'T you like?" asked Lance.

"Foony kid. Zuch a foony kid." Fraud repeated. He turned to the others. "Achtung, everybody!"

Obediently, the Brotherhood trudged after him, with a reluctant Lance bringing up the rear. They hadn't gone far before an angry voice hollered, "Wait a minute! This wallet's empty!" Needless to say, their pace greatly increased.