Chapter 3. A Fools Errand.
Neelix was struggling to get any work done in the mess hall, he was inundated with messages for Engineering from all over the ship. Communication was in chaos or non existant. He was now heading for B'Elanna's quarters, they needed her badly, no one had been able to contact her, and the computer had been no help as to her whereabouts, saying that she was not on board.
Neelix rang the bell but got no answer, he contacted Tuvok for the override code to her cabin, she was not inside. Asking the computer again for her location, he was told that she was on deck 18, Neelix bulked at the thought, as that would put her outside and in space, Voyager only had 15. Well he could hardly go over the whole ship looking for her on a wild goose chase. She would eventually turn up with or without the computers help.
The best place for him right now would be back in his kitchen, making as many comfort foods as he could muster, he had a feeling the crew would need some morale boosting after their mornings escapades, but he found his way blocked by a force field. He contacted the Bridge in alarm, and was told that he would be added to the long list, someone would be along to free him eventually, he just had to sit tight and wait.
Lt. Torres had woken up from a dream about a very busy night with Tom, she yawned and stretched, wondering what the time was as her alarm had not gone off yet. The computer informed her that it was 09.30 hours. Her eyes widened in realisation, she was late for work as she shot out of bed, grabbing her com badge to inform Engineering that she was on her way.
She did not get an answer, but was in too much of a hurry to give it a thought, as she ran to the turbolift still thinking about last nights dream with a smile on her face. Arriving at her post she was greeted by Vorik and Nicoletti. Anything to report B'Elanna asked.
"Nothing at all, everything is working within normal parameters Vorik informed her ."
Looks like its going to be a routine day, she hoped. The Captain had requested a level five maintenance check on all systems, and it was already in progress thanks to her well organised efficient staff.
Thankfully Neelix did not have to wait long, he was begining to worry about not being ready for the lunch time rush. Seven had come to rescue him, and in her usual brisk no-nonsense unflustered fashion she had the force field deactivated in five seconds. After asking if he was unharmed she updated him on the situation so far, and instructed him to return to the mess hall until further notice.
Some of the turbolifts were now operational and the levitating crew had been returned to terra firma in an upright position with only a few minor casualties. They were making their way to sick bay with just a few cuts, grazes, lumps and bumps.
Upon arriving, they were greeted by the floating head and torso of the Doctor who was wearing nothing more than a pair of angels wings on his back and horns on his head, chanting, I am the Grim Reaper not a Doctor, what do you want? Unless you're dying don't bother me. Needless to say the injured beat a hasty retreat, their cuts and bumps instantaneously forgotten at the sight and sound of this strange apparition that confronted them.
Kathryn was pacing around her ready room angrily, these pranks had gotten way out of hand. Tom had been sent to the mess hall where the injured had collected while the Doctor was indisposed. Communication throughout the ship was still erratic, and B'Elanna was missing. Lt. Carey was doing a great job coordinating things, but all hands were desperately needed on deck, to clean up this mess as quickly as possible.
Thankfully the Klingon song had stopped, Chakotay had realised that it was her voice that set it off, hence why she was ensconced in her ready room to prevent any further activation of the by now very irritating tune. Five renditions of it from start to finish was more than any sane person could bear.
Alas the Bridge had a new tormentor. Tuvoks voice reciting the Painway Protocol. When ever he used a console it would list the six rules...
If you want to live long and prosper, always remember the Painway Protocols!
The Captain is the Boss.
The Captain is always right, even when she is not, and her logic is flawed.
You don't mess with the Captain.
You always play by the Captains rules.
The Captain has the first, last and any words in between, on all matters.
Obey the Captain at all times, even at your own peril.
Tuvok was now forced to give verbal instructions when he wanted something done, as everyone's nerves were pretty much frayed already after the singing. At least the disco lighting that went off every time he spoke, was quiet, if not overly bright from all the colours of the rainbow.
In The Hot Seat.
Chakotay was on the whole a patient man with an easy-going temperament, but even he had his limits. He'd had his ears assailed by a strange song repeatedly that was hardly euphorious, and recited impudent protocols over and over, the shipwide systems were in shambles, not to mention the crew, and Kathryn relegated forcefully to the ready room, was not his idea of a good start to the morning.
He had been unable to sit down, as his chair would do one of three things each time he tried. He had given up and taken the Captains seat, to avoid the farting sound , having his rear burnt or being forcefully ejected unceremoniously to the floor, each time he sat down or changed position.
He was going through a mental list of things he would do to those responsible for these morning antics that he thought the Captain would let him get away with. So far it was a very short list of can's and a very long list of cant's.
Neelix had made it safely back to his kitchen, much relieved to be able to make a start on his Happy Meals as he called them. Pizza was top of the list as most people enjoyed it. He also paid extra attention to desserts too, as Naomi had once told him that sweet things always cheered her up if she was feeling unhappy. After six hours of manic activities, Neelix felt sure everyone would be ready to have their spirits lifted with something enjoyable.
A Parody of Errors.
B'Elanna's morning was going slowly, she was looking forward to lunch with Tom and an afternoon on the holodeck together at Sandrines or the beach. She and her team had almost finished the shipwide diagnostics and everything seemed to be in good working order, she was about to make a start on the warp core assembly when the alarms began.
Warning Structural Integrity Field failure in thirty minutes!
Warning Hull Breach on deck 18.
Warning Warp Core off line.
Warning Inertial Dampening Field flux generator fluctuations detected.
Warning Klingons detected on the starboard bow.
Warning Kazon flying to the stern.
What on earth is gong on here, the computer has gone crazy or the ship has, damn there goes my peaceful routine morning B'Elanna thought, as her brain got in gear to deal with the incoming problems.
"Nicoletti run a diagnostic on the SIF generators and the warp core."
"Vorik check the IDF generators and activate the backup systems."
"I'll check the computer cores, subprocessors and optical data network." B'Elanna ordered.
"Computer check the processing cores."
"Unable to comply."
"Why?"
"This service is unavailable."
"Activate the backup computer main frame and processing core.
"Unable to comply authorisation code required."
"Authorisation Torres Omega Phi 93."
"Unable to comply authorisation code unrecognised.
B'Elanna was ten steps away from a breach herself, as well as the hull at the rate the computer was driving her patience and sanity to the brink .
"Run a diagnostic on the subprocessors"
"Please rephrase the question, unable to compute.
"Run diagnostic on the gel packs and isolinear chips."
Unable to comply, insufficient data.
B'Elanna was torn between despair and rage, she did not know whether to tear her hair out in frustration or punch the computer in the nose, but it did not have one and she'd be damned if she was going to cut off her nose to spite her face. So she plowed on, although it felt like she was clutching at straws, trying to get this demented computer to understand anything she said, let alone do what it was asked to.
"Is there anything working correctly on this ship?" She asked in desperation, hoping to get some truthful helpful answers.
"All systems are working correctly and at peak efficiency."
B'Elanna gave the console a murderous stare.
"Status of Structural Integrity, Inertial dampening field and warp core."
"All systems are working within normal parameters."
"Status of the computer mainframe?"
"The computer mainframe is unavailable for comment, at this moment in time.
