Plans Never Work
Chapter Three: In Which There Is An Abundance of Monologues
A\N: This is random, utter crack with some parody and what ifs mixed in. It's based off of "What would have happened if Xehanort's crazy plan in 3D had actually worked? What if Axel hadn't saved the day?" Some of it's quite intresting and some, if not all, of it is weird. Luckily for you, as strange as it is, there isn't anything inapropriate here; no cussing, no real pairings or any of the things that come with them and nothing that any one should find offensive. This is humor, plain and simple. It's also my first foray into the KH fandom so any OOC behavior is my inexsperiance with these characters. And... I don't own anything except my own ideas!
"Riku," Sora's body intoned, voice deeper than a fifteen year olds should ever be. "We meet again. King Mickey," the new not-Sora bowed his head respectfully.
"Vanitas?" Xeha-braig-bar questioned,
"No. I am a data construct left inside Sora of the man you call Ansem the Wise." Not-Sora responded,
"Ansem?" Mickey burst out,
"DiZ?" Riku said at the same time.
"Yes. I am him."
"Why are you here?" Mickey asked,
"Vanitas cheated at chess, therefore I am the winner of this body."
"That body belongs to Sora!" Riku growled,
"He is unable to claim it at the moment. Xehanort informed us that he is sleeping in the darkest darkness, to deep to ever be woken up. Therefore, this body is not in use." Ansem's presence was changing Sora's appearance like Vanitas had. Sora now had white blond, straight hair and golden eyes. Riku couldn't believe Sora's spikes where gone. It just didn't seem possible. Riku had grown up with Sora and this was the first time that Sora's hair had ever been flat. It was mindboggling and horrifying. It was the greatest crime ever committed in history. Riku screamed a little in his head.
"Why won't my thirteenth vessel take!" Xehanort screamed,
"Many non-entities reside inside the heart of Sora, as do some entities. The majority voted to have a contest to decide who got the body. Xehanort did not win and was tied up with something the last time I saw him."
"I think thirteen is cursed." Xeha-braig-bar remarked,
"No! It can not be!"
...
"Simon says kill the old bald man!" Vanitas ordered gleefully,
"Erm, Vanitas? I don't think you can do that." Xion protested,
"But I'm Simon! If you wimps can't do it than I win and I get the body!"
"That's cheating."
"Dark. Side." Vanitas smirked,
"We aren't going to kill Xehanort." Xion said, "Are we guys?" She looked around to the two blond guys, "Oh, don't tell me you're actually considering it!"
"Master Xehanort destroyed my life." Ven justified,
"I've killed people before," Roxas scoffed, "At least we know this one's evil."
"MMMMmnnnmmmmffftnnnnmmmmytfg hnmFF!"
...
"Thirteen is a little high. Couldn't you have gone with like seven or something?"
"You dare suggest that I only divide my heart seven times? With ambitions so low, I would have been defeated by an infant!"
...
Somewhere a noseless man added Xehanort to the list of people he would kill if he wasn't dead.
...
"Which bald old man, Simon? I don't see a bald guy." Xion said,
"How can you say he's not bald?" Vanitas asked incredulously,
"He has a beard and eyebrows."
"They don't count."
"The beard."
"Ok, fine." Vanitas sigh, realizing she did have a point, "Simon say not to kill the old guy at the moment. Simon says... do a handstand!"
"I hate you." Roxas glared.
"Would you rather kill Mister Bald-a-lot?"
"Yes."
...
"...And that is how I came to be here, sitting amongst you." Ansem the Sora finished,
The rest of the room of white highchairs of doom stared blankly at Ansem.
"Did anyone get any of that?" Xeha-braig-bar asked,
"Nope." Axel answered, "Was some of that C++?"
"What's C++?" Riku asked,
"Something to do with computers," Axel said breezily,
"Did you understand what I just told you? Yes? No?" Ansem asked,
"No repeating!" Xehanort shrieked. This made everyone else in the room look at him strangely. Xehanort realized how foolish that had sounded and snatched back his dignity that was quickly running away. He had just had an extremely nasty flashback to an unmentionable point in his life. A lesser man may have chosen this moment to clear his throat but, no. Not Xehanort. He would never clear his throat. Such a thing was beneath him. Instead, he started monologing.
"When I was a boy," his uncleared voice hammed, "I sought to escape the confines of my prison and-"
Everyone zoned out. Pretty much it was "Blah blah, X-blade, blah, X-blade, darkness, hearts, Kingdom Hearts, X-blade, blah blah blah darkest darkness. X-blade wielding unicorn blah blah darkness, hearts, Kingdom Hearts, keyblade war, destruction, creation blah X-blade. Nyheheheh! Thirteen. I have a beard. X-blade!" Basically, nothing we haven't heard before. Most of the vessels took naps, regardless of actually being this bald bearded man. Xehanort was obsessed with the X-blade. Next!
By the time he was finished, someone had won Simon Says.
...
"Yes!" Xion cheered, jumping up and down. "I won! I won! I actually get a real body now! Not a chunk of ice and weird Vexen-y stuff! Whoohoo!"
"Oh, thanks for not rubbing in my face, Xion." Roxas crossed his arms.
"At least you had a real body!" Xion defended herself,
"I think you let her win, Vanitas." Roxas accused,
"Why would you ever say that?" The evil one smirked,
"You know that only Xion can tell which seashell is which! The girl is obsessed! I never even hit the beach!"
"You live on the beach." Ven corrected,
"Not when I was alive!"
(STAY OUT OF THIS GLADOS!)
"If I did cheat, I'm not saying I did. I have a good reason."
"Why?" Roxas demanded overdramatically,
"Evil." He pointed at himself, "When are you losers gonna remember that?"
"But why Xion?" Roxas whined,
He smiled evilly.
"I'M NOT YOUR DAUGHTER!"
...
Ansem disappeared from Sora's body and it changed back to normal. For a moment Riku thought that Sora was finally reclaiming his body.
"I have a body!" the new not-Sora cheered, then not-Sora looked at the two hands attached to the arms, "And I'm a guy!" Not-Sora shrieked with disgust, "Not again!"
"Who are you this time?" Xeha-braig-bar asked, sounding bored. The room was trying to come back to life after Xehanort's long speech.
"It's not important, no one remembers me anyway..." Not-Sora grimaced, "Axel. Riku. Hello."
"Hi...?" Axel looked at not-Sora questionably, "Do I know you?"
"You did once. And then you forgot."
"What's your name?" Mickey asked,
"Xion." The not-Sora introduced, "I'm Sora's clone made of memories."
"You!" Xemnas said, just because he could. His head was a little cold now since his hair had all burned off.
"So you're a clone of Sora?" Riku asked,
"Yes." Xion responded, "So who wants to go get some seasalt icecream?"
"What?" Xehanort looked confused,
"Everyone can go!" Xion announced,
"Wait, I'm the one who eats seasalt icecream!" Axel protested, "Me and Roxas!"
"And me!" Xion and Saix said at the same time.
"Isa?" Axel looked up at one of the black cloaks, shock written on his face.
"No. I am... Xehanisa!" Saix responded,
"You picked Isa as a vessel?" Axel asked Xehanort, "Isa?"
"Yes."
"Whatever." Axel grew slightly morose, knowing that his dream of actually seeing the old Isa again was long gone. He looked to Xion, "So how did we eat ice-cream together without me remembering it."
"I was number XIV and you and Roxas were my best friends. It's a long story but, to wake up Sora, Namine had to put me back into Sora. Roxas killed me and I merged with Sora. Since I was made of memories and the memories were all in Sora, no one can remember me."
"That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard." Xeha-braig-bar commented, "You make as much sense as that Ansem dude."
"So can we go for ice-cream now?"
...
Roxas was pacing.
"What is she even going to do with body?" He ranted to Ven, "Get ice-cream?"
"If she wants to, I guess. Disneytown has some really good-" but Ven got cut off. Roxas was just ranting, not really caring about anyone else's opinion.
"I mean think how lonely I'll be without her! And there she'll be, sitting on our clock tower, eating icecream without us!"
"I guess we could try to make some icecream if you want," Ven offered, "There's the sea right there so we can probably get some salt and-"
"She's going to have so much fun and-"
"Would you stop it already?!" Vanitas glared, "I had to wait ten years for about five minutes in a body. You at least had one a few months ago."
"Which totally isn't fair." Roxas scowled, "I think that we should get another chance."
Vanitas considered this and liked that plan. He may have appreciated Xion but he wouldn't shed a tear if they switched places.
"What are you suggesting?"
...
Slowly, Sora's body had grown slightly more feminine and his hair had darkened. Riku wanted to believe this whole day had just been a dream, an actual dream that he would wake up from and none of it was real. The whole concept of the dream within a dream within a dreaming world thing had been strange enough to begin with, and now with the time travel and body snatching had been thrown into the mix. Now the person who was possessing Sora currently was trying to organize a trip to Twilight Town for icecream with even Xehanort. And apparently a girl. While being Sora's clone. Who no one could remember. Because she was made of memories. Huh?!
Riku officially decided that his life made no sense anyone. No one stayed dead. Potions cured everything. Even if someone shot a lazar at a fatal area, you weren't going to die unless someone had hit you enough beforehand. Heartless were hearts and nobodies were bodies. That apparently also had hearts. He was able to bludgeon insanely big monsters to death with an oversized key. Gravity was a joke. Physics were optional. He could breathe underwater and in space. Nobody's hair ever got messed up. Any stated fact would eventually turn out to be wrong.
"Xion!" He finally snapped, "Look around you! This isn't when you go out for icecream!"
Xion went quiet and shrank in her highchair. Mickey looked at Riku disapprovingly,
"Gawsh, Riku! I know you're right but you didn't have to be so rude about it."
"He wasn't that rude," Axel commented, "In fact that's like saying please and thank you when you comparison with-"
"It still wasn't very nice." Mickey said.
"Nice is overrated," Axel said, "Sometimes you just gotta do what works."
"I thought you were a good guy now," Xeha-braig-bar said, "All friendship and light and teaparties."
"Oh." Axel suddenly remembered his precarious position in his new group. He also recalled that his new allies where a bunch of goodie-goodies who thought a lot about politeness and optimism. "But nice is still good. Always do what's right, yes sir."
Xion facepalmed and Riku wanted to.
Xehanort wanted more attention again so he waved his hands wildly, widened his yellow eyes and raised his bushy eyebrows, "But what is right if not-"
"Right is the side that doesn't make an 'L'." Xion interrupted, "I never used to be able to tell right from left but then I got showed the trick. It's easy, see?" she held up her hands and made 90 degree angles between her thumbs and index fingers, "This one's right and the other ones left."
"That wasn't what I meant!"
"You asked what right was and I answered." Xion said huffily,
Xehanort groaned and dropped his head in his hands,
"All I wanted was to carry out a plan that I made ten years ago, just in case my main plan failed, that had to deal with time travel and dreams. Is it so much to ask that it all works!"
Xeha-braig-bar turned to him and just snorted once.
A\N: Poor Xehanort! No one takes him seriously!
Next- The next not-Sora makes a bid for the body and the X-blade is deemed useless.
