Confusions & Delusions.
It was weird, Jacob and Jessica. They both had been my best friends at one point, and I wasn't the slightest bit jealous, except maybe of the love you could feel from them. I used to have that. I had a feeling Jessica was still mad at me for ignoring her over the time the Cullens had gone, but she seemed absolutely fine about it. Funnily enough, I don't think she knew about imprinting and werewolves, though I thought Jake was allowed to tell his imprint. She did seem truly in love with him though. I got time alone with both of them, to talk. First, Jessica ran into me, squealing happily.
"Bella! Bella, Bella!" She said, hugging me. I wondered why she'd changed her feelings toward me, maybe because she'd found her true love, rather than Mike. "How are you?!" She asked, still hugging me. I hugged her back hesitantly.
"I'm great." I lied, though I could see Jacob scowl thoughtfully behind her back. "How about you?"
"Oh, I'm fabulous, Bella," She said earnestly, releasing me, though keeping hold of one of my arms. "We haven't spoken since school! We must have a catch up..." She let go of my arm and ran toward Jacob. "Bella and I are going for a walk on the beach, back soon, love you!" She hugged his waist, but he picked her up to give her a proper hug. I noticed he did this with one arm, showing off his strength, though she didn't seem to notice. She just giggled, "Put me down! I'll be back soon." Jacob tapped his cheek, raising an eyebrow. She laughed, and kissed his cheek, before he set her down.
Our walk was exactly what I expected –Jessica told me everything I'd missed from her life, plus everything I'd missed in school, being a zombie. She didn't ask me once about my life, thankfully. Maybe there was something off about my face, or my expression. Jake seemed to think so. Then I had a thought. If Jacob told Jessica about werewolves, he'd have to tell her about v-the Cold Ones, too. And me, with them. She didn't seem to know, frowning, confused and worried as she talked about Jacob's skin temperature, how he always shook, never wore a shirt and all other kinds of werewolf oddities. She voiced her concerns about his friends to me too, saying how they all did the same. She was half way through telling me about Embry getting injured, but healing too quickly, when I had to stop her.
"Jess? Do you actually know about Jacob and his brothers- I mean pack- I mean group of friends?" I asked, choosing my words carefully.
"Um... What exactly about them?" She frowned. Either she was truly in the dark, or she didn't think I knew. Only then did I realize what I'd done. If Jessica truly didn't know, she wouldn't give up till she did, and it was my fault. What if Jacob wasn't ready to tell her? Oh, crap.
"Never mind, Jess," I tried without hope to brush it away.
"No, tell me. What about them? Are they all right?"
"Seriously Jess, it's nothing. He'll tell you when he's ready." Damn, that was probably an even worse thing to say. She stopped walking.
"He'll tell me what? That he imprinted on me? Yeah, I know. That he's a wolf? Yeah, I know." She lifted her sleeve to show a scratch mark on her arm, just below her elbow. "When we first met, he was a wolf, see it's much stronger then. He got pissed, 'cause he thought he imprinted on someone else-" I had a feeling who-"and tried to get rid of me thinking he was truly in love with this other girl, no matter about the imprint. But the imprint thing stopped him, not before he gave me these scars." She smiled sadly, stroking them.
"And you still love him?" I asked, though not surprised, Emily –Sam, the Alpha of the pack's imprint- had gone through worse. He wrecked her face, and broke her cousin's heart.
Jessica was as informed as I'd feared. "And you still love him? Your bloodsucker?!" Though I was worried that she would know, it still took me by surprise; I couldn't answer. A fiery hole ripped through my chest when I remembered how Jessica used to act around him, seeing the two in one picture. "Yep, I know it. And I know that there is still some ferocious blood-sucking woman out there, trying to hurt my Jake to get to you! All because your little leech family left you. Goodness knows how I curse yours –and Edward's name every time Jake's out there, protecting you, after what you did to him." That stung too much, though I knew it was true. I was incredibly grateful to Jacob for saving me on countless occasions, and guilty of what I had done, despite him saving me. If I could build up the courage, I would walk right up to Victoria, and let her do her business and be done with me. Plus, there was the pain of hearing that name again, ripping through me. I felt like I needed to faint, the same way I did when there was blood around... The same way I did in Biology class, that time so long ago...
You could barely call it collapsing; I fell neatly onto the sand, lying on my back as though I'd planned it. "I can't believe you." Jessica fumed, getting angrier by the minute. I guess it was deserved. "Though my boyfriend is out there protecting your life, you can do nothing but wish for your darling family to come back to you, and weeping when you remember they won't. Because they are cold, heartless, emotionless leeches!" She shrieked, throwing her hands in the air.
"You're right Jess. I'm so sorry." I whispered, meaning every word, yet unable to think properly.
"Piss off, Bella." She said without emotion, walking back toward Jacob's house. I stayed where I was, arms spread out at my sides, letting the rain fall on me. I briefly wondered what the world would be like without me in it. Victoria would of course, stop hunting me, so Jacob and his pack wouldn't need to hunt her anymore. Charlie and Renee wouldn't have a depressed, lifeless teenager on their hands. The Cullens, I doubted they would be affected, but at least they wouldn't need to be away from Forks, if they didn't want to. They wouldn't have the worry of running into dull human Bella again. Back at school, after the holidays, people wouldn't need to keep pretending they felt sorry for me. And what about me? I wouldn't need to be in this life anymore, not upset others with my depression, not need to feel the pain, not have others watch what they say around me. I wouldn't have to live this life of loss anymore.
Jacob –and my hallucination- found me then. I could hear the desperate anger coming from my dream-Edward, and also Jake's confusion as to what had happened. "Bells? Bella honey, what happened with you and Jess? I thought you two were friends?" He paused for a minute, since I didn't respond. I liked the feeling of lifelessness now, I guess. It was appealing. "She just stormed into my house, really mad. Was it because of the... the wolf... and other supernatural thing?" He chose his words carefully; he knew that any other description could tear me apart. He didn't know that it wouldn't really affect me at this minute, for I was still being dead. There was no response again. He sighed, seeing it would be a one-sided conversation. "I'm so, so sorry, Bella. I didn't know what else to tell her, she got all worried about me and the gang, and Sam said I should tell her, and I couldn't tell her about wolves without telling her about... Y'know." He squinted at me, before looking away, pain filling his eyes. "You're really not okay, are you, honey?" My hallucination was still angry and upset, and the more I focused on the wordless snarls and cries, the more lifelike they became. There appeared to be movement, close to where Jacob was crouching. My eyes flashed to the space, to see my delusions had taken a stronger form. There he was, in all his beauty and glory, yet only as a ghost. I wasn't strong enough to see all his perfection, just a basic picture of him.
His eyes sparkled sadly, then he smiled. My eyes darted to his mouth. "I don't love you, Bella," The honey voice whispered, slicing through me, worse than anything anybody could ever say to me. The cold air caught in my lungs, and I couldn't breathe out. I could feel tears flowing to my eyes, faster than anything else. Oh, how I knew it was right. How I knew also, it was a delusion; a mirage, only it showed what I didn't want to see. It was a mirage of truth, something I was too stupid to accept. I could feel my heartbeat slow, and I felt like I was sinking into the sand. Jacob noticed, and he began to panic. My eyes flashed back to him, and though I knew there was no way I could stop him, I wanted desperately to tell him to leave me alone, not to save me, again.
It was useless, he reached out for my hand, "Bella," He said in a pained voice, smiling sadly. He grabbed my hand gently, but I was off. At what I wished could be vampire speed, I got up and started to run away. And, what I wished would be vampire grace, but it failed. I fell over, only just managing to put my arms up to protect my face on time. "Bella!"Jake yelled as I scrambled up again, letting my tears flow carelessly. I knew he would run after me, so I tried to run as fast as I could, no matter how useless it would be against him. I got to my car, with seconds to spare before he got me. I slammed the door in his face, tears streaming so freely now as I remembered everything, even things my heart didn't have the power to. "Bella!" Jake shouted, pulling on the car door handle, which I'd just managed to lock. "Don't do this... Bella! Please.." He banged one hand on the window, not hard enough to shatter it, and left it there.
"I've hurt you." I whispered, though he would hear it. I remembered all the crimes I'd committed against his happiness, all the things I'd done to him. "I don't want to again. You have Jessica, be happy, Jake." I smiled, pushing the keys into the ignition and starting the car. How ironic would it be now if my car wouldn't start?
It did, and I was out of La Push as quickly as I could. I had surprised myself today, especially with all my dangerous thoughts, and how quickly I had got away from them. Sheesh, my life was turning into a bit of a drama. I got home before Charlie; though I had no idea where he'd went. Fishing, probably. As I stepped in the door, I stood on a little white sheet, folded up neatly. I opened it as I walked through to the living room.
Bella.
You will probably have a good idea who this is, but soon enough, that won't matter. Normally, I don't have this style when I'm set on doing something, but James got me into it with his ways, so why not? As you know, you have your mongrel friends after me, all the time. That's getting a little tiring, don't you think? Eventually, I may get mad and SNAP. Oh, I could easily finish them off and get to you, but it's just not my way, you see? It wasn't James' either. You can see I miss him, so I will enjoy my revenge, you can't imagine how much. Basically, it's you – or your doggy friends. Come looking for me, and you know I'll find you, and be off again, without having to damage any werewolf, see I don't really want to have to bother. But, if I have to, Bella, I WILL. Make no doubt. Hopefully, see you soon. Victoria.
And, just like that, I knew the future. I didn't need to be Alice. I winced at the name, but the pain was coated in relief. It would be over soon, and that family especially wouldn't miss me.
