Thanks to Janet for providing the original material. If you know the characters, they're hers, and the only reward I get is the satisfaction of playing with them.
A/N: Sorry for the delay in posting. I AM fully developing this story. I don't write in a chronological method though, but instead I write scenes as they come to me and then start blending them all together to make a coherent story. I'll likely post everything all at once or in large sections. Feel free to hassle me though if you think I'm taking too long ;) I've also changed her break with Morelli to three weeks and not three months.
Ten minutes later I walked in to the office and Lula and Connie were sitting huddled together behind Connie's metal desk and apparently whatever they were busy with was more interesting than me as they didn't even look up. I didn't get so much as a "Hey, white girl," from Lula.
"Hey guys." I said as I sat down on the brown faux-leather couch that isn't nearly as classy as it sounds. Vinnie's Bail Bonds was not a corporate affair. My weasel of a cousin was only interested in questionable sex partners and cashing in on bail jumpers. He could care less what impression the office décor gave.
"Hel-lo!" I said a bit more loudly.
Lula finally glanced up with a look of surprise. "Hey girlfriend, check this out! I got one of them new fruity fancy phones with all those apps you can download and launch rocket ships with and shit." Lula was a generously curvy black woman who was a ho in a previous life. Her clothing, hair and speech have stuck around though, and since I took her under my wing and got her the filing job at Vinnie's, she's surprisingly become one of my closest friends.
Connie relinquished control of the new toy back to Lula and finally acknowledged me with a "Morning Steph." Connie is the office manager and is like a breathing Betty Boop. She is a little older than me, a little shorter, and her boobs and hair are a whole lot bigger, rivaling her curvaceous hips. In Jersey, she was an Italian beauty. The rest of the world might use different descriptors.
"Please tell me that some dumb shmuck missed court yesterday afternoon."
"Lucky for you, Louie Frizoli must have had more important plans yesterday. He's facing assault charges for smashing a guys face into a wall. He owns a bar just off South Broad Street and runs numbers out of the back. He also has a reputation for being…persuasive when he wants something." Connie's family has ties to the Family, which comes in quite handy for getting information at times.
I pulled out my own no-frills phone and dialed Louie's bar to see if he was in.
A man answered with a straight to the point, "Louie's".
"Hi, is Louie in?" Never hurts to be direct, right?
"Who's asking?"
"Louie and I were supposed to have a meeting yesterday," I purred suggestively. "I was hoping he would want to reschedule."
"Lou never came in yesterday, said he wasn't feeling too hot and haven't seen him yet today. I tell you what though, I am feeling hot, how about I fill in for him and you and I have that meeting."
The nice thing about phones is that you can hang up on people.
Just then Lula jumped out of her chair and said, "Damn, I think I'm calling my doctor. How'd I do that? How do I hang this thing up? Shit, I don't want to talk to my doctor, someone help!"
I grabbed the phone and hit the big red End Call icon on the screen and passed it back to Lula.
"Boy they sure make these things complicated. So what do you think girl, it's fabulous, right? And did you see how I'm dressed to match? I bought a bunch of these little rubbery things for the outside so that I can change it whenever I want. Now I'm like the whole coordinated package."
Her current package involved yellow spandex pants and a yellow and black clingy shirt. I thought she looked like a bumblebee, but at least her phone was yellow, so I suppose that had to count for something. "So do you wanna come with me to check out Louie's house?" I asked.
"Louie who?"
"Louie Frizoli! You know, the skip we've been talking about for five minutes?"
"Calm down girl, no need to snap. You're just cranky cuz you're not getting any man lovin lately."
I rolled my eyes and handed Lula the file. Officially she was only the file clerk. If you asked her, she would probably say that she was my assistant bounty hunter or my bodyguard. Really, she was just fun company who was sometimes more distracting than helpful.
"Hey, it's Little Lou! I remember this guy from my corner on Stark."
Connie looked over her shoulder at the picture in the file. It listed him as just above six feet and about three hundred pounds. "He doesn't seem all that little."
"That's only cuz he's got his clothes on in this picture. Lucky for us, they keep mug shots above the neck and not below the waist, see what I'm saying?"
Hopefully this was all too much information that I would never need. I grabbed the file back from Lula and led her out the door to my Subaru sitting at the curb.
"I don't know if I want to be riding around with you in that thing, Steph. I've got a reputation and I don't want people thinking I'm switching teams."
"What?"
"You know, this here car is a lesbian car. Everyone knows that. It's not tough enough to be a man's car, and it's not girly enough for a lady. It's butch."
I looked at my Outback and almost cried. Lula was right. I had a butch car. This is so not the image I'm trying to project right now! I closed my eyes and pictured myself driving a red Ferarri. I opened my eyes and there stood Lula, hand on hip staring at my navy blue poor-girl's purchase. "Just get in."
We'd been driving about five minutes when Lula said, "Steph, look at me and say sex".
I looked at her like she'd lost her mind and heard a funny little clicky noise. Just great, Lula was taking my picture with her new gadget.
"Girl, what kind of a face is that? How am I going to have that be the face I see every time you call?"
"That's not fair, I wasn't ready! I didn't know you were going to take my picture."
"Why else would I ask you to say 'sex'. Everyone knows that's what you say before you take a picture. It's the 21st century way of saying 'cheese'. You think I just wanna hear you say 'sex'? Maybe this car is getting to you."
Another eye roll. I was starting to give myself a headache. Lucky for me, we'd pulled up in front of Louie Frizoli's house and I was able to hop out of the car. I knocked twice at the front door and had no luck so we went around back to try the same routine.
"Ugh. It smells like an outhouse back here. I think Little Lou might need his septic tank flushed."
"I'm thinking you probably shouldn't call him Little Lou to his face. Doesn't seem like the kind of thing that will inspire friendship and cooperation."
"Sure. I know that."
I looked up and saw a small rectangular window open so I shouted, "Hey Louie, are you in there?"
The response I got was a "Who the hell is in my backyard! If you know what's good for you you'll get out of my damn garden!"
If only I did know what was good for me. Instead, I thought about poor Rex starving at home and the new outfit I would need for this stupid reunion and before I knew it I'd knocked out one of the glass squares in his back door, reached in and unlocked the door. Today, I meant business.
Pepper spray in hand and Lula on my tail, I walked in trying for an air of confidence. I'm not sure how successful it was because as soon as I remembered to breathe my face scrunched up at the smell of Lou's house.
"I think I'm wilting. The inside smells worse than the outside. Good luck girl, I gotta go breathe some non-stinky air."
I grabbed her wrist and dragged her with me towards the stairs. No way was I going to be the only one leaving here smelling like a diaper.
"Louie Frizoli," I shouted, "I'm Stephanie Plum and you are in violation of your bond agreement."
We got a muffled shout back as he yelled something about not stepping foot on the stairs unless we wanted a foot in the grave. Never one to head sensible advice, I pulled Lula up the stairs with me and my eyes started to water at the ever worsening odor.
Clearly desperate for escape, Lula hollered, "I don't know what kinda stinky operation you've got going on Lou, but if you don't get your big ass out here in the next three seconds, I'm gonna use you as target practice."
More muffled shouting from behind the door to our left. I pushed the door open and froze. It was like a ten clown-car pile-up.
"Hey, what the hell lady! Are you stupid or something? Don't say I never warned you."
I wasn't really hearing what he was saying because my mind was still reeling. Little Lou was sitting on the toilet, pants around ankles, no shirt, holding a Better Homes and Gardens magazine surrounded by a green cloud of stink.
"Hey Lou, say sex." The flash and click from Lula's camera phone snapped me out of it.
"What the fuck is this? You make a habit of breaking into homes and disrupting men while they're sick and now you need a souvenir?"
I agreed with Louie. Why Lula wanted a picture to remember this moment was beyond me. I was hoping I wouldn't need brain surgery to remove this image.
"I'm thining that if you don't pull your pants up and come with us nicely, I got me a pretty little picture to give to your friends and maybe some not-so-friendly friends. I like to think of it as motivation."
I couldn't help it; I smiled.
