A/N: Thanks for the review(s)! I'll make changes. It may take me longer to update, but I'll also try to make it more novel-like than a half-assed attempt at changing the game script. From here on out, all my ball sack jokes will vanish, mostly because they get old quickly. When I get another review, I'll post Chapter 3.–Dark Lord

Chapter 2: Conversation after Chapter 1

"Hell yeah! They're dead! And now for these perverts of Lycia. You were going to share your story with me?" "Yes," said Kent. "We have ventured from Caelin, in Lycia, in search of someone. And Sain's the perv here." "And proud!" Sain shouted off in the distance, and then went back to, in a Shakespearean manner, asking one of the village ladies to flash him.

"Lycia... Mom said she grew up there. Then she met Dad, and moved here," said Lyn.

Kent said, "Correct. We've come as messengers to the lady Madelyn, who slept with some random nomad about 19 years ago."

Lyn exclaimed, "The way you put that… devoid of all emotion. I'm dying of laughter."

Kent, obviously agitated, continued. "Your mother was our Lord Hausen of Caelin's only daughter. He was heartbroken his own daughter would abandon him. Eventually, the marquess simply disowned her." "And then this year, we received a letter from Lady Madelyn. It sain that she, her husband, and their daughter were living happily on the Sacae plains. The marquess was ecstatic to learn he had a granddaughter of 18 years. The granddaughter's name is Lyndis. This was also the name of the marquess's wife, who faked her death at an early age, then ironically died after her zombie impression at her supposed funeral," Sain chimed in, his face burning from the gin and tonic splashed in it.

Lyn seemed confused. "Lyndis?" Sain continued Kent's monologue. Madelyn's daughter yet lives. We heard that she was living alone on the plains… alone… WITH A CRIZZLE!*

*anyone who gets this reference gets the square root of negative pi dollars.

Kent started monologuing. " I... I knew it immediately. You are the lady Lyndis." "No, I'm not," Lyn said, just to be contradictory. "Your resemblance to your departed mother is remarkable," Said Kent. Lyn said, "What? Did you know my mother? Please tell me Sain didn't…""No, I never met her. Sain never met her either, and perhaps that's a good thing."

"Okay, so I'm the new ruler of Caelin?" Kent seemed unresponsive. Lyn suddenly realized something. "Wait. That bandit! He called me Lyndis, too! "What? Lundgren…" Kent mumbled. "Lundgren? Sounds like the noise a constipated walrus would make," Lyn stated, then went off on a tangent on walruses.

Kent explained. "He's the marquess's younger brother. Everyone assumed the lady Madelyn was gone forever. This made Lord Lundgren heir to the marquess's title."

Sain continued. "To be blunt, milady, your existence is an obstacle to your granduncle's ambitions. You see, he and Hugh Hefner had a deal. Lundgren wanted to trade in Castle Caelin… for the Playboy Mansion!" "That's horrible! But I have no interest in inheriting any title!"

"Unfortunately, your granduncle is not the sort of man to believe that. Biggest douche I ever knew," Sain stated calmly. "I feel I have little choice. I will go with you." Lyn stared at me, and saw my video camera. She promptly put on makeup and partially unbuttoned her shirt. "Cephus... I'm sorry. This changes everything. What will you do, Cephus?" "I really don't give a damn," I said. "I'd do either for a Klondike bar." Lyn started frothing at the mouth. "You... want me to decide? Of course, your companionship would do much to ease my journey, but... I have something to tell you…I see dead people."

A/N: I don't feel like writing another chapter now, so I'll just publish this to keep you people happy. And by the way, "Sexy Beast Tribe" mentioned in chapter 1 will be featured in a Tellius story.