Stay awake

Disclaimer: I don't own Dr Who or any of its characters or trademarks etc. This work of fiction is written for entertainment. I do not intend to profit from this.

Warnings:depression, suicide attempt, cutting, self harm, BDSM

Pairings: Dom!Rory /Sub!11. Amy/Rory.Rory and 11 in a non sexual way. Amy allows Rory to enter a BDSM arrangement with 11.

START

Rory POV

He seems calm again. Not so agitated. Not so panicked. Still my nurse instinct is screaming at me to heal him. But its not a physical wound and mental wounds are harder to heal. Still I feel an uncomfortable uneasiness...despite his appearance, something is wrong.

He sits silent, in deep thought by the look of it. The haunted look in his eyes is worrying. Maybe if he talked about it. Carefully I walked into the kitchen and made some tea. "Mind if I join you?" I ask to announce my presence. Despite his calm, the jumpiness hasn't faded.

He looks startled and I see a great depth of sadness in his eyes. An instant later the pain fades into a well practised mask of indifference. Its like the pain is all gone. He nods and sips his tea.

I decide to take the lead. "Are you feeling better?" I ask casually, though he knows exactly how concerned I am about him. Still the emotion might scare him away.

He pauses and looks hesitant. His mask slips back on and he smiles back at me. Its a fake smile though. "You know me, king of okay" he says quietly. He doesn't even sound like he believes it.

I frown at the lie but if he doesn't want to speak, I can't make him. "Well if the king of okay ever needs someone to talk to, I'm here" I say calmly. He knows I couldn't fall for such a poor lie but doesn't call me out. He seems greatful (yes I know its a spelling mistake but this spelling looks better, sue me I'm a rebel!) for my lack of prying into his pain.

After a few minutes of silence he speaks. "You know Rory, it wasn't always like this..." he begins. His voice is low and rough, full of pain. "I used to be okay...before my 9th self I think...after so many regenerations I don't remember" he muses.

I speak equally quietly "Was that when the self harm started?". My tone is even. Despite my nurse instincts urging me to push him and my instincts as a friend to hug him and tell him how it hurts me to hear him say these things.

He look away, ashamed. "Yeah, when I was him...me...well the 9th me.. I mean it wasn't so bad then"

He pauses and I wait it out. I am rewarded when he elaborates. "Just a few times when things got too close for comfort. When my companions got hurt or almost killed. Or worse. It was before I actually enjoyed it" he says quietly.

He looks ashamed. I speak up "I have heard the stories from the psych ward. Not that your crazy but they say similar things. Its okay. It doesn't make you a monster or a freak. Its the body reacting to pain. It can be like a drug though" I say gently.

He looks up, a hopeful glint in his eye.

I need to tread lightly here. "What helped?" I ask gently.

He blushes and looks away.

I stay silent.

Then I hear him whisper "him".

Him? Who?

"What did he do to help you?" I ask.

He looks undecided. He nervously figits. "I can tell you but you can't think I'm a freak. I mean you can but I'd rather you don't say that out loud. Its sort of odd by human standards" he says nervously.

I try not to laugh. "Your odd by human standards anyway. Why would this make a difference?" I say.

He smiles back "of course. Your right" he reasons.

After a moment he speaks again. "Don't think anything is wrong with me but I sort of like pain. I like being submissive. What your kind would call BDSM" he says.

I'm not shocked. After all the things he has told us about himself, this is the most normal. A bit expected too. I mean the way he acts sometimes gives it away.

Besides its not like either me or Amy are unfamiliar with this. She may be bossy and in control most of the time but in private, its a different story. "I can't say I'm surprised. Who was he?" I ask casually. He looks surprised but recovers.

He gathers his voice again after the shock of my acceptance. "Another timelord, The Master ironically enough. He was rough. I thought I would hate it and want to leave. When he...well I found I enjoyed his torture as much as he enjoyed torturing me" he stops smiling to himself "Then a time travelling anomaly named Jack. He wanted more than I thought I could give...we eased our lonely hearts and when I mentioned it, he was more than eager. He said he didn't wanna scare me off by telling me. I don't think you understand how far we went for my needs. He has a dark side that enjoyed our playtime"

"Do you really think that Amy or myself are that innocent?" I ask.

He looks surprised. "Uh who does what?" he asks blushing madly.

I laugh. Sometimes he acts like a child not the 900 year old alien he is. "Amy has a surprisingly submissive side. It shouldn't surprise you that I am the dominate one." I say smirking.

Some emotion I can't identify flickers in his eyes and he shivers slightly. Was that interest? Was that attraction? He speaks calmly "Of course Rory the Roman".

"Thats Sir Rory the Roman to you" I joke.

Again he shivers and bites his lip. He smirks and laughs "yes sir" he says with a laugh.

The air is thick with anticipation. He can tell that both of us were only half joking. His sharp eyes seem to assess me, the strange emotion now clearer in his gaze. For my part I give him a wolfish grin, my own gaze predatory. Not leaving his eyes. His body is tensed. He refuses to let me out of his sight. Like a cornered rat.

I make the first move. With a calm control I offer my hand to him. He barely hesitates and lets me lead him to his room.

It seems so strange to see the great timelord so silent. So willingly following.

The Doctor POV

A calm I have not felt in a long time seems to settle in my mind.

Rory has a firm hold on my hand. I would pull away if I didn't feel a strange urge to follow. His moves are deliberately controlled and effortless. I wonder how he knows his way but I don't ask.

We stop at a bedroom the Tardis has moved closer. Plain grey carpet and white walls with a rack of various toys and a chest. The bed is large with a red cover. I remember this room well.

Suddenly I feel nervous. He won't expect anything will he? Surely not a flogging so soon?

What about sex? Or a blow job? I feel sick.

Panic sets in and I freeze, readying my body to fight.

He seems to notice and I feel his hands rubbing my back as he softly speaks. Despite my fears, I feel relaxed again soon. I can breath again.

"Tell me whats wrong" he says softly. "I won't hurt you." he insists.

I find myself looking into his eyes, judging the truth of his words. Seeing no lies I force myself to speak. "What do you want from me?" I say in a wavering voice.

He seems to realise my thoughts. "Did you think I wanted sex? Or even that we would play?" he asks gently.

I look away.

He forces me to look at him...he looks pained. "I would never hurt you. If I wanted sex I would ask. If I want anything of you, I will ask. What I want now is to understand your pain. If I can help you, I will offer." he says clearly.

I can relax. I know I can believe him. I nod my understanding.

He smiles back. "Tell me how your feeling. I got you okay?"

Where to start? It all just feels like a messed up ball of...well mess. Like sadness and anger. Like fear and anxiety.

"I don't want to be like this" I say brokenly. Its the most honest thing I have said to him.

He only takes me into his arms and offers his comfort.

"Its like I don't want to be alive, because that means feeling all of it. But I don't wanna die either. I don't wanna not feel either." I say trying to explain.

"I get the idea to try again...but I know it would upset you and Amy. I don't like how much sense the idea makes. I also know that it doesn't make sense."

"If I only cut, then I won't die. I can feel normal and you won't be sad."

He only grips harder as I cry and try make sense of my thoughts.

"I don't like being alone. I don't like thinking all the time. I don't like devising new ways I can hurt or kill myself in only minutes. I don't like remembering..."

My words fail me as I sob harder into him. He quietly mutters comforts and rubs my back. The motion calms me and after more sobs, I fall into a relaxed half sleep.

Normal POV

Rory smiled at the near sleeping timelord in his arms. Rory was trying not to react to the words confessed. The timelord felt that awful? The whole time? It wasn't right.

Still after his emotional release, he looked more peaceful. Rory would make sure the Doctor wasn't alone if he could help it. The Doctor had him and Amy.

The roman felt a strong protective instinct toward his friend. Smiling he picked up his friend and took him to his bedroom. When he tried to put The Doctor down, his friend whined and buried his face into Rory. Rory almost laughed out loud. It seemed the two were to sleep together but in the actual sleep way.

That was how Amy found them hours later.

She wasn't angry. How could she be? The Doctor looked peaceful and was showing a lot of trust in her husband.

Whatever her boys had now, it was fine with her.

AN: As usual read and review.