Disclaimer: I own nothing. All characters belong to SM. I am just going with an idea of what could have happened years after BD.

Chapter 1

I stand alone looking over a sleeping city and I think about what got me here. It's two in the morning- the time when everybody should be in bed dreaming about sugarplums and fairies. I don't dream anymore. It's because I don't sleep- can't sleep actually. My name is Bella Cullen and I'm a vampire.

A few years ago I would have never been alone. I had a family who loved me, and the most wonderful husband in the world. But one day my inner monster started rearing its ugly head. Of course vampires by nature crave blood, but my family only drank blood from animals. I never had the normal bloodlust like most newborn vampires, and I was fine with that. I always figured it was because I had Nessie. Once a vampire is changed they are frozen in time. Everyone had their theories. Carlisle always believed it was part of my power, Jasper believed it was because I was prepared, but I believed my strong maternal instincts at the time of my change were what kept me in control. Everyone assumed that I'd always be in control. Boy, were we wrong.

This is not a pretty story, and I am not happy with the things I have done. But I can't change them now. This is the story of why I left my family, and became the monster my husband never wanted me to be.

X

Edward and I were out hunting. Our family had grown annoyed with us and our constant honeymoon stage, so we were on one of our solo trips. We had split up, because he'd caught the scent of mountain lion in the opposite direction of the elk I had already started on. It had been eight years since my change that I had longed for, so he didn't feel the need to watch over me as closely anymore. After draining three elk I was quite full. I began sniffing the air to follow Edward's scent. As I was tracing the path to him, I caught a mouth watering scent. It was warm and musky with a hint of cinnamon. I wondered what kind of animal could smell that good out in the woods. I lost all capacity to think straight because I needed to find it. I stood turning in circles deciphering what direction it was coming from. The warmth filled my nose and I heard a faint heartbeat. I stood completely still when I realized the scent must be from a human hiker. My first thought was who would miss a lost hiker this far from any human trail. I was completely stunned by my reaction, but I couldn't help but began to wonder what human blood would taste like. Sure I drank it when I was pregnant, but that was from the blood bank and I was still human. I wondered what it would be like with my vampire senses. Even though I was in full control, the idea consumed me.

"Bella, love, we need to get back. Some hikers have just wandered off their trail." Edward interrupted my thoughts. Part of me resented him in that moment. I was never happier that he couldn't read my thoughts.

"Yeah, I want to call Ness before she goes to bed," I said as I took his hand.

The whole way home, all I could think about was the smell of human blood. It smelled better than anything I'd ever smelled in my life or after life. I remembered when I was human the smell always made me sick to my stomach, but now it was all I wanted. I had to try to shake the thought away. It wasn't our lifestyle.

"Are you okay, Mom?" Ness asked me over the phone.

"Of course, sweetie. Why wouldn't I be?" It was always odd how perceptive she was. Edward says she got that from me.

"You just seem distracted."

"Just a lot on my mind. How's Jacob?" I talked to her for hours just trying to think about something else.

When Edward and I cuddled in bed that night, I desperately wanted to think only of my husband. But my damn vampire brain started calculating how I could quench my curiosity. The only option I could think of was leaving my family.

"Love, what are you thinking?" That was my Edward's favorite question to ask me.

"Nothing," I lied. In my human life I was a terrible liar, but that changed when I changed.

I wished I could sleep. At least that way I could avoid the awkward nights with Edward. When he would try initiating our nightly love making routine, I couldn't say I had a headache, but I just couldn't make myself focus on him. He was everything to me, and shutting him out was the last thing I wanted to do. Some nights I would tell myself that I'd forget the idea of human blood. I had begged for this life with him, and leaving him would only prove his point in not wanting to change me in the first place. I was afraid it would destroy him. There was also Renesemee to think about. She looked like an adult and acted like one, but she was actually only eight years old. Every night these thoughts would fly through my mind, but as they say vampires have a one track mind, and that was completely true for me. Every night my mind would always end up right back where I started- the hiker.

"Where are you, Bella?" he asked one night.

"I'm right here." But I wasn't really. I never wanted to hurt him, and I knew I was going to. It was inevitable.

For the next few days, I fought internally with myself. It was almost like I was going through the bloodlust I should have gone through as a newborn. I could feel the monster inside me roaring to be freed. I had to leave my family. It was going to be hard, but it was the only way to get over what I was going through.

Luckily, I'd gotten better at controlling my shield over the years, and I was able to block my plan from Alice. She would've stopped me in an instant if she saw that I was even thinking about leaving. I tried to rationalize my plan to myself. If I stayed I'd end up pushing everyone away and hurting them even more.

"I'm going up to the main house to hang out with everybody. Alice wants to have a family movie night," Edward said to me one night. I knew this would be my best chance to leave.

"I just want to hang out and read," I told him.

"Are you alright?" His velvet voice asked out of concern.

"Yeah, I'm just getting to a really good part." I didn't even look up from my book. My dead heart clenched.

"Okay, but if you change your mind come on up." He kissed my forehead before leaving.

When he was gone, I packed a bag quickly and took what cash I had stored away. I knew I needed to hurry just in case Alice was able to see anything. I left a note that simply said "I'm sorry." It seemed so impersonal, but I couldn't write him a full letter explaining myself. I didn't really know where I was going, so I just ran. I needed to get as far away from Forks as possible before I did anything.

I ran north, but I didn't have a destination in mind. There was really only one thing on my mind, and that was blood. I wanted it, but I think I needed it even more. The life I had with my family was forgotten.

X

Wow, it has been FOREVER since I updated. So SORRY. I still believe in this story line and I really hope to finally touch on the emotions Bella is feeling. THANK YOU to wonkeygirl for always encouraging me with this idea. I heart you more than I can say. Also thank you to tiffanyanne3 for the beta.

I love reviews. They let me know what my readers think and keep me motivated for the next chapter. I will try to work faster on my rewrites.