Huur, oi be troiyun' to speak en molespeech. I bain't be troiyun to be insultin', just be moi way of bein' sarcoistic. Winders may be holes, but them varmits aoin't gotten through 'em yet, and bain't be tryin', just too hoigh up. An' Redwallers don't 'ave radio collars, 'oo hoigh-tech.

Zurr, my head be hurtin' and I aoin't be troiyun to speak molespeech.

Right ho, much better now chaps, wot wot? This tone is much more effective at sarcasm, not to mention my terrible rendition of a mole. So onward Redwallers, to another lesson of the Redwall Defense Guide!

Lesson Three: Don't Argue With Dumb And Dumber

Now, we all know that gossip is bad. This is one of the many lessons learned in Abbey School. Now, while gossip within Redwall may be a bad thing, outside of Redwall there are rumors galore about Redwall. Most notably are the Big Fort rumor, the Weak Defenders rumor, the Big Fat Treasure & Etc. rumor, and of course, the Magic Sword rumor.

As in the case with all gossip, gossip tends to be very difficult to kill. They tend to stay forever, like old cliches and Mary Sues. Also, because of the low IQ level of most vermin, most vermin will not be able to distinguish fact from fiction. Do not attempt to argue with vermin about Truth. Let Hellgates do that for you; the nice beasts at Hellgates are much more capable at making vermin learn something. (Note the irony that vermin tend to avoid Hellgates.)

Because of these rumors, (foolish) vermin tend to flock towards Redwall in hopes of attaining one of these rumors. Note the word foolish, as by now the more intelligent vermin tend to know that Redwall is a tough nut to crack. Unfortunately, there are a great many non-intelligent vermin, and also great many of hubris-inflated vermin out there.

There isn't much you can do about these rumors; vermin take rumors very seriously. So unfortunately, you will, from time to time, have to deal with the petty fox or weasel or gang of rats looking for some freebie. (Now remember what you were taught in Abbey School: Do Not Take Things From Strangers Nor Give Things to Strangers.)

The first thing you can do to lower the amount of conflict is to write a big sign in the front of the abbey saying,

"WE DO NOT HAND OUT ANYTHING OTHER THAN FOOD, PHYSICAL AND MENTAL CARE, LIVING SPACE AND BATHWATER. ALL OTHER THINGS ARE PROPERTY OF THE CREATURES LIVING WITHIN AND UNDER THE JURISDICTION OF THE ABBOT OR ABBESS. TO REQUEST FOR MORE INFORMATION, PLEASE KNOCK AT THE MAIN GATE."

However, the common vermin tend to be stupid and most likely will not listen. For the ones that don't, they tend to be predictable, and as such I have written a set of guidelines of what to do.

Action One: A vermin (or group of vermin) come up to the gates and demand something, saying that they have X amt of vermin hiding in some X place. They may or may not have a Bargaining Chip, usually some unlucky woodlander.

Guidelines: Do not, under any circumstances, stand up on the battlements, say something, and then leave. This is a sign of weakness. What you should do is:

1) Lock (not just close) all doors.
2) Arm yourselves.
3) Stand up on the battlements with as many armed fighters as possible (with appropriate weapons, please do not show yourselves with wooden spoons -- use those weapons stored in the cellar).
4) Say something with a lot of force. Show as much force as possible.
5) Stay there and stare at the offending vermin until the vermin leaves, not you.

You are to defend Redwall at all costs. You appear weak if all you can do is stand up on the battlements with a wooden spoon and cooking apron, say something fairly weak as, "We will never give up X," have no support of said statement, and then turn away. The vermin will get cocky, and that is not in your favor if you haven't readied for defense yet.

On the other hand, vermin will get scared if they see a lot of armed abbey creatures with Sharp Pointy Objects all aimed at him (remember, use those bows and arrows stored in the cellar) and then all of those said creatures staring at him. This is to your advantage, because either they will retreat or they will squabble amongst themselves for a stronger leader, giving you time to properly defend.

If you have one, the Abbey Warrior or Mother Badger should make a show of force and/or speak to the vermin. This adds to the sense of control that you Redwallers must have. Do Not Show Weaknesses. Make a little show of Bloodwrath if you want to.

If the vermin say that they have X amt of vermin hiding, check it out by slinging a few stones and/or shooting there with a few arrows. If they are hiding in a place out of range, assume that this is true. Do not underestimate. Do not head out in the middle of the night to check this out; you may be caught and become a Bargaining Chip. If you feel that you must, have the decency to tell somebeast or have some support with you.

If the vermin say that they have a Bargaining Chip, do not go mad. (Unless you have a Abbey Warrior or Mother Badger. Have them go mad; more show to them.) In the history of Redwall, no Bargaining Chip has ever been killed. Make note of this. You Redwallers have a nice history of saving those Bargaining Chips. Remember that you will save them -- later.

Action Two: Vermin repeatedly demand X thing.

Ah, here comes in the gossip. Under no circumstances should you attempt to argue with them. They will not understand. They will not reform magically before your eyes. If you attempt to argue, they will attempt to shoot you.

If they demand for treasure or other such thing, do not attempt to argue otherwise saying you don't have any. They will not listen. End of story. (However, they will listen to Hellgates.)

If they demand for Martin's (Magical) Sword, have the Abbey Warrior wave it about, challenge the leader, and have at it. If you do not have an Abbey Warrior, wave it about anyway and shoot them down as they attempt to get it. If that offends you, hide it somewhere and again, do not attempt to argue. Concentrate on defending, not talking.

After this, it is usually a cycle of cause and effect. They demand, you refuse, they attack, you defend successfully (usually barely), they retreat, they attack, you defend, they retreat, they demand and then attack, you defend, they attack and succeed, then poof! Abbey Warrior/Badger/Otter/Hares/Shrews/some helpful beasts/luck appears and ta-da, you're saved. Along the way, you usually lose one or two abbey creatures, or somebeast is seriously hurt. Your goal is to successfully defend before you lose one and/or the "saving mechanism" appears. This is the aim of the Redwall Defense Guide.

* * * * *

Now, wot important lesson have we learned today?

Mmhmm, rumors are bad but vermin believe them anyway, so do not attempt to dissuade them otherwise. Defend first, talk later. Send 'em all to Hellgates, or at least far, far, far away.

~LoneWolf16, Recorder of Redwall Defense in Mossflower Country