Don't forget that this fic disregards all the episodes after episode 9 of season 4 "O Come, All Ye Faithful"
I hope you like the chapter and please tell me what you think of it :)
I just figured that Elena wouldn't be that far gone even with turned off feelings since she still has Jeremy ... Anyway, you judge ;)
Elena's PoV:
After escaping Stefan's presence and the useless exchange of words I sped up to the lake house. Once there, I stopped in front of the porch as usual, facing the driveway. This is the place where I last saw him. This is where it happened. I never got to see him after he set me free, and did the right thing by me. I cannot blame him because when I put myself in his shoes I understand why he did it. All he knows is that when I was a human my feelings for him weren't as strong as those I had for Stefan and that only when I became a vampire that they became overwhelming, which is not true. I'm the one who never tried to explain the choice I took before my death. It was so natural and easy for me to make the realization that what we had was worth everything, and that I wanted to be happy and free that I didn't even consider explaining myself. He didn't demand it but now I know that he needed it. He tried so hard to believe me and be strong for me but I understand why it wasn't possible. I mean this is Damon, the one who was rejected his whole life, the one who got nothing but rejection from me.
I sunk down to the floor and held my knees to my chest as I do every time I start thinking about my regret. I regret not telling him about the depth of my feelings for him. I regret not being courageous enough to surrender to what we had.
The sire bond had nothing to do with my decision because I'm well aware of how my desire to give in to him started kicking in. I tried to stick to my decision but it got harder every day. I was walking on eggshells around Stefan, because I knew one wrong word would send him away and I didn't spend four months trying to have him back just to lose him the next day!
I admit being selfish with Damon. I chose to follow my mind, afraid of the unknown. I was afraid to commit to my undefined feelings that consumed me to the core of my being. I do blame myself for shying away from giving Damon something more just because I had a feeling that there would be no going back once I commit to him.
Something about the way Damon loves terrified and excited me at the same time. I took advantage of his unconditional love and kept him at arm length knowing that he'll be there whenever I needed him. I kept my eyes closed to how he feels about me to keep my selfish self from thinking about the wrongs I was doing. I protected myself from my feelings for him by denial, and was hurting him deeply in the process.
I will never forgive myself for deceiving him so many times that I lost count. I'm ready to sacrifice everything now to right my wrongs and make the scars of all the rejections he encountered in his long life disappear. I'm ready to do whatever it takes to give him his life back, and selfishly have mine in the process.
When the sun moved up in the sky to indicate it was about 10 a.m., I sped up to my family's home to talk with Bonnie. I needed to convince her to help me. Before knocking on the front door I made sure I was smiling, and thanked god for this humanity switch that prevented me from crying my eyes out. I feel fine, actually I feel nothing. I'm always thinking of Damon, because basically that's what's keeping me alive, and I'm always thinking of what I should've said and done but, I do not have to feel regret and pain. They're just thoughts with no concrete feelings.
I straightened my hair from the effect of the speed, and knocked on the door. I heard Jer moving through the house. He didn't ask who it was, just opened it passively. His whole expression brightened at my sight. I stood still in front of the look on his face; my absence had obviously worried him.
I said "Hi, J…" and before I could manage to complete my sentence he pulled me into a bear hug. If I wasn't a vampire I would've suffocated. I hugged him back and wanted to really feel happiness upon seeing him but I couldn't allow it: that wouldn't serve my greater purpose. I felt him go rigid against my chest as his heart started beating like he was going to get out of his chest. When he pulled away, I sensed that something wasn't right because he kept staring at me with a worried look on his face. I concluded that I didn't play my part very well, so to erase his worry and to keep him from figuring it out, I added "don't worry Jer, I'm just …"
When I couldn't find the words to excuse my behavior, he got everything wrong, or was he right? No, it can't be! I can't blame him for something he had no control over. He looked down and said "I understand 'Lena and I'm deeply sorry …you were …friends…" he sent me a look after his statement that said I don't buy that's what it really was and added "He was my friend too, and I miss him. It crushed me, and if there were a way to reverse what I had done, and what happened to you …"
I couldn't take it anymore, I know he shouldn't blame himself, feelings or not "Jer, I don't blame you okay? I know …" What did he mean by what happened to you? What did he figure out exactly? I ignored it and tried to reassure him "I, I'm better now …" I came to a stop deliberating whether or not I should tell him about the plan.
I told Stefan to let Bonnie know that I wanted Jeremy out. I was afraid he would take Bonnie's side on this, I admit. This is my chance though, but would he go on board with it? Would he still be okay with it after learning we're going to have to bring Silas back and kill a human being in a condition just like him? Would he agree knowing that Bonnie will have to do her expression thing? I hope he would, actually I hope his guilt will be strong enough to help me convince Bonnie. He's not going to get hurt… I won't let it, but I need Damon back!
I decided to take the risk and added my acting long lost by now "…about what you said on undoing it, it's possible" I got closer to him and lowered my voice "and that's what I've been working on". Jer just stood there shocked upon my revelation. I stood there waiting for a reply that never came.
He just stared in the space right next to me, dumbfounded, and after what seemed like an eternity I saw determination in his eyes …
End of Elena's POV.
I'm doing my best to update fast enough, but I'm still new at this and don't find enough time to write, and when I do, I find myself in no mood to do so :/ Can you bear with me? Please? I just need some time to find a balance between university and my beloved ffic :D
Once again, review! Your reviews do push me to write + they make me happy :D
