I'm gonna start coming up with funny titles for these chapters.


(Peggy's POV)

"Hello, we are back!" I declared to the camera two days after the last chapter. "So I got the Tinder app, and we're gonna get started with finding a date for my sister!"

"You seriously forgot for two days before you finally remembered your Tinder plan," John muttered. "Talk about a terrible Cupid."

"Sally, make sure to edit that out of the video."

"Yes, ma'am!"

"Really?" John said.

I glared at him. "Yes, and for your information, I didn't forget. I was simply waiting for the perfect time to do this behind Eliza's back."

"For two days?"

"Hey, a matchmaker's gotta be extra stealthy if she's gonna do her job right." I turned back to my phone. "Now, where was I? Oh right, this terms and agreements shit I have to accept." I clicked "Accept" without looking at it for a second longer. Let's be honest, no one reads those. (Lol I dunno if Tinder has that kind of thing but every app that I've ever used has it so…) "Ah, we need to log in with our Facebook. Luckily…"

I shot a nasty grin at the camera. "Because Eliza is so trusting and kind, she tells me all her passwords." I punched in Eliza's Facebook password and bam! We're in.

"Eliza trusts you with her passwords?" John asked. "I don't even trust you with my sandwich."

"But you said I could try it!"

"I said you could take a nibble out of it. Instead, you bit off, like, half of it off!"

"Aaaanyway, back to Tinder. Let's see. What gender do we prefer? Eliza's pan, so I'd say both male and female. Age range? Somewhere around 40 years old. I don't think Eliza's a pedo. What should we put in our profile? Hmm, how about…" I started typing. "'Hi, my name is Elizabeth Schuyler, but I go by Eliza."

"Looks pretty normal so far," Herc commented carefully. "Where's the twist?"

"'I'm the proud owner of a small coffee shop called the Cinnamon Roll Café,'" I continued typing. "'But I can be a total sinnamon roll when it comes to bed. Winky face winky face. P.S. I also have a teenage son named Philip, but don't worry, he doesn't bite. I like flowers, little kids, setting stuff on fire whenever I'm pissed off, kittens, and'"—I snickered—-"'tits.'"

John spat out the mouthful of water he was drinking. "EXCUSE ME WHAT?!"

"Ooh, maybe instead of 'I go by Eliza' I could say…" I grinned as I typed out the next words. "'Roses are red, high school depression is blue, you can call me Eliza if you are my boo!' Pretty cute, huh?"

"Yeah, especially that second line," Herc snickered.

"We gotta include a profile picture, huh? Lemme see." I scrolled through all my photos, until I got to one of Eliza standing before a colorful garden, her white teeth showing in her smile. "Mm, nah." I looked at a photo of Eliza at her thirty-god-knows-how-old birthday, laughing in the soft light of the candles. "Nah." I saw one of Eliza at the beach, building a sandcastle with Philip when he was ten. "Cute, but not what I'm looking for." Finally I got to a random picture I took of Eliza sneezing. "Oh, this is the one, alright!"

John looked horrified. "Why are you going with that one? Go back to the other pictures!"

"I'm just kidding! This one is the winner." I turned back the garden photo. "And now for the fun part! Dayum, look at all these babes!" I swiped right on the first three. "Ooh, they all gonna have competition! Ew, I don't like this one." I swiped left on the next picture.

"He looked pretty cute," John retorted.

"Nah, he looks like one of those movie characters who looks sweet at first but turns out to be some creepy stalker."

"How can you even tell—you know what, I'm not even questioning you anymore."

"Ooh, this one looks promising. Nah, that one gives me playboy vibes. Eh, this one will probably catfish Eliza faster than you can rap 'Guns and Ships.' Aw, this guy got glasses. Ima swipe right on him! Oh my Miranda, this guy has a puppy! Keeper! This chick is a soccer player, but the real question is: is Eliza into sports? Mm, no. Ooh, this chick is also posed in front of a garden. Right!" I swiped left and right until I got to a particular photo of a woman. "Hmm, this is gonna be tough."

Sally peeked over the camera. "She looks nice," she said.

I nodded. "Oh, that rack is looking fine, I tell you."

John looked disgusted. "Are you seriously commenting on a girl's chest size now?"

"Hey, I'm not done yet. Even though it's obvious she's buxom, she's still wearing a sweater, so it shows modesty of some sort. Definitely Eliza's type."

"Or she's just cold," John muttered.

"But?" Herc asked.

"But look!" I pointed at the little girl next to the woman. "She has a daughter. Or a niece. You never know. My point is, is it alright if Eliza's significant other already has a child? Actually, who am I kidding, Eliza loves kids. She'll win over that little girl's heart in no time. Right!" I stood up straight, and spoke to the camera. "You know what, we have enough contestants for our dear Eliza, so that's gonna be it for today. Stay tuned for the next video! Once again, this is Peggy on How to Play Cupid, signing out!" I did a small salute. "Cut!"

I grinned at the rest of the café peeps. "Whoo, I feel accomplished! How 'bout the four of us go get a drink tonight, to celebrate? It's all on me!"

"Um, Peggy," Sally said nervously. "I'm not of legal drinking age."

"I have a nice supply of fake IDs at home."

"No way is Sally going," John said defiantly.

"Ugh, fine. Be a goody-two-shoes, why don't you. Then I guess we'll just invite Alex along. Haven't seen him in a while."

"Don't! He's probably busy working at the law firm—" John started.

"Too late, Johnny boy. Already dialed his number." I waited for the guy to pick up. "Hey, Alex! You wanna go for a drink tonight? What, you busy?" John gave me a "I told you so" look. "Aw, that's a shame"—I smirked at John—-"because your boyfriend's gonna be there. What's that? Great! See ya at 6!" I hung up. "Your dear Alexander is coming with us. Looks like he misses you," I singsonged.

John blushed an adorable pink, and didn't say anything else. "Fine, but I'm not having another drinking competition with you."

Three hours later…

(Alex's POV)

"Ha!" John bellowed. "Looks like Margarita had too many margaritas!" He slammed his latest glass on the bar counter.

"What are you talking about?" Peggy slurred. "I'm on my fiiiiifth glasss." She hiccuped and chugged another glass. "I doubt you're—hic—even on the third one."

"Actuuually—hic—I'm on my—-hic—seeventh. Suck it!"

"They're both wasted, aren't they?" Herc muttered.

I nodded, taking note of how flushed both their faces were. "Yes, very wasted."

"Bringing then both here was a bad idea."

"Agreed."

"Aaleeeex," John said, coming over to me and flopping down on my lap. "Coome dance with meee." He grinned his stupidly adorable goofy smile.

"Yees," Peggy chimed in. "Goo daance with him. Make my dreams come tru-u-ue."

"Babe," I said, lifting John's chin up. "As much as I want to dance with you, I think it's time we go home."

"Yeah, dude," Herc said. "You had too much to drink." He glared at Peggy. "The same goes for you."

John pouted. "Aaaaw, pretty pweez?" He stuck out his bottom lip.

"Yeah!" Peggy cheered. Herc was already picking her up off her stool. "Dance with him! Make my ship float on the Caribbean sea!" She started giggling maniacally after that.

I sighed. How could I say no to that face? "Fine, one dance. Then we're leaving."

John pulled me off my stool, and led me to the dance floor. "Yippee!" he giggled like a little kid. God, my boyfriend's gonna be the death of me.

A few hours later, we arrived at my apartment. I had to give Peggy a piggyback ride, while Herc did the same for John.

John flopped down on my couch facefirst when we got back, drunkenly commenting on how it smelled nice. Peggy ran to the bathroom, probably to throw up.

"Maybe I should stay here with you," Herc pondered. "Obviously, Peggy can't go home by herself, not in this state. And John, well, he's not going anywhere either. It will probably be hard taking care of two drunks at the same time."

I shook my head. "Nah, I can manage. You can go home, Herc. I can take care of these two."

Something dawned on Herc. "Wait, what about your son? Oh man, maybe they should stay at my place."

"Philip is staying with Eliza tonight. You know, the whole switching between divorced parents thing."

"Ohh. Well, call me if you— oh my god, what is Peggy doing?!" He and I ran over to the bathroom. To our absolute horror, Peggy had one foot in the toilet bowl, and was trying to flush herself down the toilet.

"Peggy! What in the name of Daveed are you doing?!" I cried.

Peggy looked up at us, her eyebrows scrunched up in annoyance. "I'm going to Narnia," she deadpanned.

"Aren't you supposed to go in a wardrobe?" Herc asked. "Ugh, never mind. Doesn't even matter."

"Get out of there!" I wrapped both my arms around her waist and attempted to pull her out.

Peggy wriggled around in my grasp. "I'm going to Narnia and you can't stop me!" she shouted in a drunken stupor, splashing around the toilet water.

"Herc, a little help here?"

With Herculean (ha!) strength, Hercules hoisted Peggy out of the toilet. "Unhand me, fiend!" Peggy yelled.

"Fiend?" Herc cringed, and he half-dragged, half-carried Peggy to the living room. "Hey, hey, hey! Where you going?" He stopped Peggy from running back to the toilet. The girl scowled and reluctantly marched over to the couch.

"Move over!" She shoved John, who let out an undignified yelp, off the couch and plopped onto the couch herself. "My couchie!"

John glared at her. "Gimme back my couchie senpai!" he cried, and the two of them started a ridiculous kitty fight, swatting at each other like little kids.

"You would think that John would be the more mature one," Hercules commented. "But nope. As soon as you give him a bottle of whiskey, his maturity level gets reduced to a 5. Peggy, her maturity level doesn't change at all, drunk or sober."

"I gotta admit, they're kinda adorable when they're like this," I chuckled.

"I know you're only talking about John."

My cheeks turned pink. "Ok, ok, you got me there."

"Say, have you told Philip yet, that you and John are"—he made a vague gesture in the air—-"together?"

My eyes widened. "Holy shit, I didn't. I was waiting for a good time to tell him, but I guess it never came."

Hercules shook his head. "First Eliza, and now Philip. You guys need to practice communication more." He looked concernedly at John. "Does Philip even know who John is?"

"I mean, his mom owns the coffee shop where John works, so yeah, Pip's seen him from time to time, but they never actually talked."

Herc breathed a sigh of relief. "Well, at least John won't be a complete stranger to the kid." He made his way to the door. "You sure you'll be okay on your own?"

"Yeah, don't worry. Thanks for the help, Herc."

"No problem. Call me if you need anything."

"I will. Bye."

Right when Herc closed the door, Peggy had to throw up all over John. John, who didn't seem to notice the vomit covering the front of his shirt, lumbered over to me.

"Alex," he slurred. "Let's go to bed." He leaned against me, and I was practically staggering under his weight.

"Oh yeah, baby!" Peggy giggled as I dragged John toward my room. "You go get that action!" Then she started singing, offkey, "John and Alex sitting in a tree, F-U-C-K-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes the bed, then comes the day you say 'I do' and wed!" She laughed at her little song.

"Har har, very funny," I drawled. I was able to sit John on the edge of my bed, before he fell backwards with a flump. "Alright, don't take this the wrong way, but I'm gonna have to undress you, so you don't wake up with Peggy vomit all over you."

"My shipping sensors are tingling!" Peggy yelled from the living room.

I ignored her and carefully moved to unbutton John's shirt. "Easy, easy," I murmured, more to myself than to my boyfriend. I finally undid all the buttons. "Alright, babe, I'm gonna need you to sit up so I can get it off you."

John winked at me, making my heart lodge into my throat. "Anything for you, handsome." Sober John would've never said that.

Slowly, he moved to a sitting position, and slowly, I slid his button-down off. Thank goodness Hercules used his top-notch fashion sense to convince John to wear a button-down. He looks pretty good in it.

No sooner did I drop the wet, sopping shirt on the floor did a pair of strong arms wrap around my waist and pull me down with them.

"J-John?"

He stared intensely at me, and I could see the pink of his cheeks deepen. "Alex…" His hands ran up and down my back("I smell that increasing sexual tension!" Peggy called).

"Y-yes, John?" Unholy shit, I'm straddling him.

He brought his face closer to mine, until we were less than an inch apart. I could smell the margaritas in his breath. "Alex… sleep with me." And then he passed out. His arms fell limp at his sides, no longer holding me.

And just like that, things went from 0 to 100 and then back to 0.

Still blushing furiously, I crawled off of John, and picked up his shirt. Then I went to put it in the laundry machine. When I checked on Peggy, she was fast asleep, with the stupidest grin on her face. It was like she knew what was up. To be honest, I wouldn't put it past her if she did.

I made myself a sandwich for dinner, brushed my teeth, checked on Peggy one last time(she was snoring), and went to bed. I tucked John under the blanket, then pondered if I should snuggle next to him. Not wanting to disturb his privacy, and because the couch was already occupied by Peggy, I thought about taking Philip's room for tonight. But then I would be disturbing Philip's privacy. So I just went with sleeping on the floor instead.

"G'night, John," I whispered, and kissed his forehead. Then I got out a second blanket and struggled to fall asleep on the cold, hard floor.

The next morning…

(Philip's POV - yass my boy Philip is finally here!)

"Bye, Mom," I said as I got out of the car.

Mom smiled and waved. "Bye, Philip." She blew a kiss. "Love you, hon."

I laughed. "Love you too, Mom." She waited until I was inside the apartment before she drove away. I made my way up the stairs, and then walked down the hall until I got to Apartment 1776.

I unlocked the door with my keys, and stepped inside. Pops was already cooking something, probably scrambled eggs, for breakfast. He looked up upon hearing the door open.

"Hey, Pip!" he greeted, waving at me over his shoulder.

"Morning, Pops," I greeted him back. That was when I noticed Aunt Peggy lying on the couch. "Um, Pops, what's Aunt Peggy doing here on our couch?"

Pops turned around and jumped, as though he was seeing Aunt Peggy for the first time. "Oh, she had a drink last night and passed out," he explained.

I frowned. "Is she gonna be okay?"

"Yeah, she just needs to sober, but she'll be fine."

"Alright, I'm going to my room, ok?"

"Wait, Philip, before you go, there's something I need to—"

But it was too late. As I was making my way to my room, I saw that Pops' door was halfway ajar. And then what I saw inside scared me so much I let out a loud girly scream that startled Aunt Peggy awake.

"POPS, WHY IS THERE A HALF-NAKED MAN IN YOUR ROOM?!"