Thirty-four days.
That's how long it had been since she showed up on his doorstep. That's how long it had been since she had had some sort of contact with him and she was damn proud of herself.
Or at least that's what she was telling herself.
She still wasn't all that comfortable with the whole "time" concept, but she was making a valiant effort and that had to be worth something, right?
If she was being perfectly honest with herself she'd admit that although she had managed to keep her distance, it was probably the hardest thing she'd ever have to do. And singing with him in Glee wasn't exactly helping her either, but she was an actress and so she put on her brave face and she pretended like it was all okay, and that she wasn't completely dying inside.
If you say something long enough it kind of becomes the truth you know?
So she said it, over and over and over again, until she was convinced of her own growth in the situation.
She would never have even been able to point out the lie if it hadn't happened the way it did.
It was so subtle she barely even noticed it herself, but her finely tuned intuition, or her Finn-tuition as she sometimes liked to call it, picked up on the look. The one that was very obvious in it's message, the one that used to make her heart melt, the one that was very much not intended for her.
The way he smiled at her, and the way Rachel's heart shattered when he did it, told her the gig was up. She was calling her own bluff.
Who was she trying to kid anyway?
Finn would always have a vice grip on her heart and up until that moment she had been perfectly okay with that.
She was sure that Finn hadn't seen her yet so she tried to bolt around another corner, one that was ridiculously far away from him.
This time she succeeded in her mission. She was in the girl's washroom before anyone had even seen her. That was, she supposed, the upside of being small and invisible in high school.
The tears were out before the sobs, but she could feel them welling up and she couldn't stop them, she couldn't control them and when she heard the door open she couldn't even bring herself to care about someone seeing her cry.
It was only when the person put a comforting hand on her shoulder that she managed to look and see who it was.
The look on Quinn's face was enough to make Rachel start sobbing all over again.
Who had she been trying to kid? Finn was the only thing she cared about. She wanted him more than a Tony, more than a starring role on Broadway. Being with Finn had made her feel like a person, not just a talent, but a genuine person. Someone who was worth loving.
The ache that she had been holding in for those ridiculous thirty- four days unleashed itself in the most violent of ways and Rachel barely had any time before she found the contents of her lunch swimming at the bottom of a school toilet. Quinn's soothing rubs on her back brought her back to this moment and she looked at the blonde girl whom she had idolized for so long and couldn't help wondering why on earth she was choosing to help her right now.
Quinn seemed to sense this and gave her a half-smirk before explaining her very out-of-character actions.
"Everybody deserves someone. And despite everything that happened you were there for me last year when I got pregnant."
Rachel could barely acknowledge the almost declaration of friendship because her body had decided to repeat its course of action an empty its contents into the school toilets. She knew that she had noting left in her system when the aching dry-heaves took over.
But through it all Quinn stayed right by her side. They didn't need words, it was almost as if their bond transcended them. There was nothing really to say anyway. No words could ease Rachel's pain, and Quinn wasn't naïve enough to her insult her by offering any anyway.
When Rachel had managed to somewhat get herself under control, and looking as best as she could be bothered to care, she turned to Quinn to thank her.
"No need." Quinn smiled before the words were out of Rachel, and Rachel smiled gratefully.
"There is one thing you should know though" Rachel stared at Quinn afraid of some hidden camera the girl might have stored somewhere.
"He loves you. Just give him time." And with those wise words she left Rachel standing there contemplating.
Time.
There it was again.
She wasn't sure how much more of this she could take. She was absolutely aching all over, and she was half-way to her car when she realized she had Glee practice. Groaning inwardly, and seriously contemplating not going, she trudged her way to the choir room where she was no doubt the last one to arrive.
She realized how bad she must've looked when even Santanna had nothing to say to her. With nothing left in her tank she took a seat at the back of the room and kept her head as far down as she could.
"Rachel?" The sound of her name snapped her out of her daze and she looked towards the voice to see an expectant Mr. Shue looking at her.
"Yeah?" It was all she could muster, and even that was a struggle.
"Are you ready to perform?" In all her realizations today she had forgotten about the Glee assignment, and of course she had something prepared but the desire to sing had completely left her body, and the waiting eyes of all her teammates was making her wanna cry again. So she bit her lip and shook her head.
"No?" Mr. Shue wasn't the only person who was confused, the entire classroom stared at her.
"Did you not prepare something?" MR. Shue wasn't angry, he wasn't accusing her of anything, because to be perfectly honest he knows in her darkest hours she always has something prepared.
"I did. I just don't feel like singing right now." The voice that was clawing its way out of her throat felt so foreign, it was too quiet, too timid, and it made her feel sick again.
Knowing the signs she bolted from the classroom before anyone could ask who the pod person inhabiting Rachel Berry's body was.
Relief washed over her as she made it to the awful school toilets again, where her stomach had yet again emptied itself. If she had been thinking rationally she would've asked how she could still have something to throw up.
She heard the distinct sound of the door opening again, and to be honest she was a little glad that Quinn had followed her, having someone there was a little comforting, even if that person was a little more than an acquaintance.
"I'm okay Quinn." She tried to make herself not sound pathetic, but even her acting skills were failing her at this point.
"It's not Quinn." The sound of his voice made her heart leap into her chest, and if she had had anything left in her system she's sure that it wouldn't have stayed there.
He moved closer to where she was sitting hunched over the toilet, and if she hadn't felt so horrible she would've laughed at the ludicrous way he was trying to squish his abnormally large frame into the tiny stall beside her.
"You don't have to stay here Finn I'm fine."
"Yes, you seem absolutely fine." The sarcasm he laced in his words made her wince a little, but the soothing motions he was making with his hands on the small of her back made her melt a little.
And even though her stomach had nothing left to offer that didn't mean that her tear ducts were feeling the same way. They started out slowly and worked there way into full-fledged sobs within no time.
She felt like she had no control left in her.
But she was Rachel Berry and Rachel Berry always had control, and this thought just made her feel worse, because who was she anymore?
"Rachel talk to me, what's going on?" She knew the voice he was using was supposed to make her feel calmer, to make her want to open up to him, but she couldn't at least not about this.
She shook her head at him, and pleaded with him with her eyes to not push the subject.
"Rachel…" His voice cracked and her head snapped up to see tears filling his eyes and she couldn't stop herself from reaching out to him. To stroke his cheek. To run her fingers through his hair.
He closed his eyes at her touch and this seemed to fuel her and she moved herself closer so that she was straddling his legs, which had stretched themselves under the stall wall. She didn't allow herself to do anything other than touch his face, she kept her hands in his hair as long as she could.
He eventually opened his eyes and the pain she saw there almost killed her.
"Rachel. We can't. We can't just go back. I need…" She wouldn't let him finish.
"Don't say time. Please just don't say time." She was shaking her head and she was refusing to look at him.
He tucked a loose piece of her hair behind her ear, and let his hand linger a little longer than was necessary.
"We'll get there. I promise." She managed to look directly at him then, and she just about broke all over again.
"I don't know how much more I can take Finn. I'm not that strong. I love you too much." Her eyes had a fresh batch of tears to assault her with as she made her weak confession.
"I love you too. You know that Rach, but I can't just go back to what we had, I need time to get there. Please." He was pleading with her, and she could feel herself crumbling, but she couldn't do it anymore, she couldn't just stand around waiting for him to come back to her. To realize that being apart wasn't helping either of them.
"I can't Finn. I can't keep waiting, I know I screwed up. I know that! But you've had time, and I've had nothing. I just don't understand what to do anymore." She got up off his lap and walked over to the sink to clean herself up.
"So what're you saying? Are we…are we over?" If she hadn't been standing so close to him she wouldn't have heard him.
She honestly didn't know how to answer him.
So she felt instead of talked. And she kissed him one last time.
And then she left.
