"Time. Sometimes there's too much, sometimes too little. Sometimes we wish it didn't exist, that we can stay suspended in the same moment forever, sometimes we wish we could fast forward and never have to experience some things. For a surgeon, it all freezes in the OR. The outside world doesn't matter, how many hours of sleep you got the night before doesn't matter, it all just doesn't matter. A surgeon is often happiest in the OR, because it means we can forget. And sometimes forgetting is all anyone can ask for."
~*GA*~
"Meredith, what are you doing?" Teddy Altman asked, walking into the scrub room and tying on her blue bird scrub cap.
Meredith scrubbed harder, trying to forget why everyone to pass through this room looked at her like she was a civilian, like a patient's visitor who insisted on assisting with a surgery. Meredith looked up through the window to watch the scrub nurses prepare the patient, fifty-eight year old Bryce Harman. "I'm observing a valve replacement, Doctor Altman." Her tone was snappier then she had intended. She was tired of fielding questions about her health. Sure she was in pain, and sure she wouldn't be able to stand the whole time, but she needed to be here, and as soon as Christina had cleared her to be discharged, she wasted no time with locating a pair of scrubs.
She knew she couldn't help operate, but she needed to get away from the too white walls, too white sheets, too white pillows and curtains and monitors of his room. She needed to escape the sight of him in pain while he slept because he refused higher dose of morphine, to get away from his pale skin covered in a layer of sweat. She was by his side whenever he was awake, but most of the time he was asleep, and she just needed to get away.
Last night she had had a dream that she was standing in her kitchen, looking out the window into the hospital, where she watched Derek negotiate with Mr. Clarke. "Be extraordinary," a voice had whispered behind her, and she turned to face her mother with a scalpel to her wrist, watched her pull it down fast, leaving a torrent of blood to pool on the floor, but the blood turned to water, and soon the room was full of it, and Meredith couldn't breath. She was drowning again. She heard the shot from the hospital on the other side of the window, and gave up. What was the point to life without Derek in it? She closed her eyes, and she was in the OR, holding Derek's hand feeling the bullet tear into her abdomen….
"Doctor Grey? Meredith!"
"Huh?" Meredith asked, trying to tear her eyes away from the operating table in the center of the room on the other side of the glass. Was this the same OR? She couldn't remember….
"I don't think this is smart Meredith. You were shot not three days ago. Maybe you should go be with your husband, you can come in the OR in a few days." Teddy said sympathetically, putting a hand on her shoulder.
She kept staring at the table, and then she slowly pulled her hands out of the tub, turned around, and holding them up she stared at the woman across from her. "Do you know I was practically raised in this hospital? My mother died here, I died here, Derek… Derek almost died here. Izzy had cancer, George died here, my baby died here. I need to be in this OR. Out there sucks. Out there gives me the dark and twisties, and I want to be bright and shiny, as bright and shiny as possible right now, I need to do that for Derek, but I cant do that when out there reminds me of everything I've lost." She was breathing heavy from her rant. Teddy looked extremely confused, and when the door opened, she looked relieved.
"You paged?" Christina asked, looking in, then she sighed. "Meredith, what are you doing?"
Meredith opened her mouth, ready to repeat her entire speech, but Teddy got there first. "Something about the dark and twisties, and people dying and being bright and shiny; I don't know, I was just trying to help. Please, just… please. I have a double valve replacement to do, and I cant do it if I'm worried she's going to pass out or something." Teddy said, turning to scrub in.
Christina grabbed Meredith's arm and dragged her out into the hallway, ignoring her protests. "Look, I know you think the best place for you is the OR, but as your person, I'm telling you that if you go in that room you will regret it." Christina said, rolling up the sleeves of the maroon shirt she had on under she scrubs. "I haven't cleared you for surgery, and I know you are on pain meds, but you know as well as I do that standing even for as long as you have been now is not good for you."
"But—"
"I haven't even been in the OR yet Meredith. Me. So just… just go be McLove sick with McDreamy for a few weeks. No surgeries for at least two." She grabbed a spare wheelchair that happened to be sitting next to them, popped it open, and pointed at the seat. Meredith just stared at her with her mouth open, incredulous.
"Christina!" she cried, unmoving.
"Meredith!" Christina mocked, raising her eyebrows. "I'm your doctor, and I'm telling you to get in the damn wheelchair!" When Meredith still hadn't moved, she sighed. "Now!"
~*GA*~
"Derek, I know that you're all… drugged up, but could you please use your McDreamy powers to make Meredith stay out of the OR?" Christina asked as she pushed a very angry Meredith into his room upon seeing that he was awake.
He turned his head to look at her, and she immediately lost most of her grumpiness, though there was still enough for her to shoot Christina an annoyed look. "Mere…" he said hoarsely, "You were… shot. You're not ready."
Christina scoffed. "Like that's going to convince her! When I said use your McDreamy powers, I meant guilt trip her into staying here with you. I can't be worried about her roaming the hospital and getting into trouble."
"Christina, I think you've made your point. I'll be a good little Meredith and stay." Meredith said, not looking at her, but instead taking Derek's hand in hers.
"I don't believe you," Christina said. "But you have a thing tomorrow you cant miss, and if you know what's good for you, you'll stay put until then." Meredith gave Christina a questioning look. "You know, an appointment, in the west wing? A thing appointment?"
"Oh," Meredith said, turning back to Derek, but ignoring his confused look. "That thing."
Christina left after making Meredith promise once more that she would stay in his room or go home, knowing she'd do the former. As much as she hated this room, she hated the thought of leaving the hospital more.
"Thing?" Derek said, as soon as she was gone, struggling to keep his eyes open.
"How long have you been awake?" Meredith asked, pretending she didn't hear him, brushing away the hair that was sticking to his forehead. She hated seeing him so weak.
He shook his head. "Not long, it's hard to stay awake long though. What thing?"
Meredith shook her head, not meeting his eyes, a hand unknowingly traveling to her abdomen to hold the child that was no longer there. "Its nothing. I'll tell you later."
"Meredith," he said, raising a hand to caress her cheek. It look like it was a struggle just to do that. "I want to know."
"No you don't."
"Tell me."
"It's the uncomfortable moments people want to skip. Where you know you might hurt someone you didn't want to hurt, or watch them get hurt. But we can't really control time. Sometimes our problems follow us into the OR, and we have to deal with them whether we want to or not. Being human, with all the emotions and knowledge that entails, gives us the responsibility of dealing with the kinds of things less intelligent creatures don't care about. Conversations can be hard, even if they hurt the person you love. So why cant we all just be as carefree and ignorant as our pets?
