"This thong is from a certain Lady Angelique. Note the lace. These frilly knickers are from a duchess's daughter. These…well, I'm not sure where these came from; I was drunk at the time. But they're very nice. And this sequined pair, the one I keep wrapped up; those came from a prostitute who visited the house to talk to me. Beebe. I take good care of those. I felt bad about how that one turned out."

"What, with no nooky?"

"Well, I felt a guilty about it, you know, what with the whole 'my mother's forced me into prostitution' thing. And just when I was getting over that, she dies. So no, no nooky."

"Oh, stop complaining, Cain. You've had plenty of other girls."

"Watch your mouth, Oscar, or I won't let you see the rest of my collection."

Riff twitched. Cain smirked at him.

"Well, you didn't think that poisons were the only thing I collected, did you?"

Oscar laughed while Riff frowned.

"I certainly didn't think you collected women's panties…hey, didn't I shoot and kill you yesterday?"

Cain shrugged carelessly. "I don't know. Maybe." He made sparkly eyes at Riff. "Why, were you upset?"

Riff pushed him away gently. "Distraught."

Pleased, Cain went back to his underwear collection.

Then Mary Weather burst into the room.

"Cain!" she shrieked. "Did you get yourself killed yesterday?"

Cain slipped the pair of panties he was holding behind his back. Oscar quickly grabbed them and shoved them out of sight.

"No, Mary Weather, it was just one of those clockwork dummies…"

"Well, I'm still angry at you, dear brother!"

"Well, I got you a present, Mary Weather!"

Mary humphed. "It better not be another teddy bear!"

Cain waved his arms in reassurance. "No, no, you said you were tired of those…so I got you something better!"

A loud growl, followed by screams, echoed down the hall. Riff turned to stare at Cain in horror.

"Cain, you didn't buy her a real bear, did you?"

"She didn't want a stuffed one!"

A long shriek was cut abruptly short. "There goes one of the maids." Said Riff, exasperated. "It's hard hiring more to replace the ones you lose."

Cain shrugged. "I like new faces. Get some prettier ones this time."

A loud galumphing was coming toward them from the hallway.

"Well, here comes the bear." Said Oscar. Don't you suppose we ought to run?

"No." said Cain. "It's not dramatic enough yet. We have to wait for it to be standing in the doorway before we run. And there has to be a close-up of Mary screaming, for full effect."

Mary Weather huffed indignantly. "I'm not screaming just for your drama, big brother—"

The bear appeared in the doorway. It was enormous, and its roar was loud. Mary screamed.

"Perfect!" said Cain, delightedly. "Okay, now we can run."

"Only one problem." Said Riff. "If the bear's in the doorway, how do we get out?"

"Ooh." Said Oscar. "I think you just got burned, Cain."

"Shut up or I'll kick you out of my house."

"Mary, Cain's being mean to me!"

"Serves you right!"

The bear roared again and they all jumped. It stared at them beadily with its tiny eyes. Then it charged.

They all scattered to the far corners of room. (Except for Cain, who only ran in suitably dramatic circumstances and refused to be chased around by an angry bear.) Oscar grabbed Mary and ran for the door. Cain followed at a leisurely pace. Riff started to trail Cain, but the bear made a dash at him and he started running, dragging a protesting Cain after him.

By the time Cain had decided that while it might be considered romantic to be hauled out of danger, it was also very uncool, Riff had already got him halfway down the hallway. He shoved Riff away and stood up. Oscar and Mary peeked around the corner. Mary's eyes got wide, and Cain turned around.

They froze. The bear was standing right in front of them. It had a tiny pair of panties dangling from its mouth. Cain was already frozen, but he got freezier.

"No." he breathed. Riff sensed what he was going to do.

"Cain, don't." he hissed. Too late. Cain had already darted past the bear, which lurched around and galumphed after him at full bear speed, which, fortunate for Cain, was slower than full Earl speed.

The bear stopped at hearing Cain's shriek of anguish. It decided to bypass the room Cain was in and ambled along, where it was shot with a tranquilizer dart eight and a half minutes later and dumped in some Romanian woods just off the coast.

Riff, Oscar, and Mary looked cautiously around the doorframe. Cain was standing in the middle of a panty explosion. Ragged bits of silk and lace were everywhere.

Cain hung his head in despair.

"My collection…"

-…-

"Ooh, Cain, you're so…bold." Elizabeth cooed. Cain waggled in his eyebrows in what he thought was a rakish fashion and slipped a hand up her skirt.

His eyes went wide. "Ooh, Cain." She gasped.

"You—you harlot!" he sputtered. "You aren't wearing any underwear!"

She giggled. He shoved her away in disgust and ponced back off to the main part of the party.