TRIGGER WARNING
Drip, drop
Drip, drop
Like rain down a window
I stroke my brush
I make my picture
As paint runs down my hands
Is it beautiful?
Is it enough?
Do you like what you see?
Can you even see it?
Of course you can't
My picture is private
One I've been painting for years
No one notices
No one sees
I'm running out of paint
As I bleed
Where am I? Why is it so bright? I don't remember anything. I don't think I want to. All I hear is constant beeping. Someone please make it stop.
I am not a coward. I am not a coward! Who am I kidding, I am nothing but a coward. I can't do anything right. I mess up everything. I guess that's why my father doesn't want me. I guess that's why he makes himself keep me. Somewhere deep inside I hope he needs me as much as I need him but I know his need is much different than mine.
21 hours 17 minutes 37 seconds
I've been counting down the time. It always happens at the exact same time every year. I know when it's gonna happen but I'm never prepared. I never prepare myself. Then again I never know what to expect. It's different every time. Someone always says something wrong. They always apologize, 'I'm sorry', 'I wish it never happened', 'I wish your family the best'. I don't know why people insist on saying things they don't mean. No one really feels sorry for us. I don't even feel sorry for us. I stopped a long time ago.
Who would believe me if I said 'I'm done' or that 'I'm in pain'? No one, that's who. They never believe the quiet person is the one that's hurting the most. It's always the alternative people or the goth. The ones dressed in black who smoke cigarettes. But what about the girl sitting in the corner, not saying a word. The girl who is hurting so bad that she silently cries herself to sleep at night so no one will notice. What about her? What about all the other people you never suspect of hurting? Maybe you should realize who you're sitting next to.
I always notice but, the worst part is, I never do anything about it. I know I should. I know I could. I can be the one to save that girl but how can I save them when I can't even save myself. Who's going to be the one to save me? Who's going to see that I'm hurting? I know I say I don't need someone but as the time counts down, I know that I do. I need someone to save me from the pain that's consuming me. Someone to keep me from myself. But I can't find them. I can't need them. I wish and I wish but there's nothing I can do. There's nothing I can say. There is nothing.
19 hours 12 minutes 5 seconds
Can you feel it? Can you hear it? I can every single day. I can feel the breath. I can hear the hate. Every. Single. Day. I know I'm not wanted in my house. I don't want to be there anyway. There once was a time when I did but now I just can't. I have nowhere else to go though. How do you hide without a hiding place? How do you stay hidden in all the light. I know most people dream of being in the spotlight but what's the point? That's how we get hurt the most. We get close to people and they leave. They show us they never really cared. They show us we are nothing.
Who really made up the rules? Who came up with all the things society follows? Who made the images everyone wants to be like but can never accomplish? This person, whoever they may be, has started what could very well be the end of a nation. With everyone trying to be something they're not, it's hard to find the people who are honest. The people you can trust. I've been looking for them for a long time. I can't seem to find a single person who truly cares and I guess you can call me a hypocrite. I'm one of those people trying to be someone I'm not. Trying to fit into this impossible mold of the perfect person. I know I will never be perfect but can you blame me for trying? Can you blame anyone from trying?
It's like a never ending circle. Everyone goes around and around but they never get off. I don't think you can ever get off once you get on. It's like being stuck in superglue. But maybe there is a way. Maybe you can get off. I just need to find out how. I keep going on and on. I always trip at the end but, I can never make my way off. Maybe the way off is not a something but a someone. Maybe they have to grab you and pull you to safety. If that's the case, I might just be here forever.
15 hours 1 minute 49 seconds
The time is growing near. With every tick of the clock I can feel my skin crawl. I can see the goosebumps form on my arms. I relive every moment from before. All the hours that I waited. All the seconds that felt like years. It all takes too long. Every moment is like an eternity. An eternity that will never, ever stop being painful. Every twist and every turn. Every tear and every scream. I can feel it on my face. I can hear it ring in my ears. I've never forgotten but then again, I never remember. How can you remember something that's not worth remembering. How can you forget something that's embedded into your brain. The answer is you can't.
Even in the darkness do I see everything. Even in the silence can I hear everything. When there is nothing to see or hear, I can still do both. That's what happens when you're scared all the time. You gain skills you never knew you'd need. You utilize every sense you were given. Everything is so heightened that you feel as if you have super powers. But if I had super powers, I sure as hell wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be stuck in a nightmare where I can't wake up.
Sometimes I dream. Sometimes I let myself have those sweet memories. It's always the same thing. I always wish for a better life. An easier life. One where the grass is green, there's a white picket fence, the dog, and the 2.5 kids. Then my w-. No. This is not the time. This is not the day. I can't fantasize about things that are never gonna happen. What good will it do? Why should I let my imagination show me the things I can never have? I shouldn't and I won't.
12 hours 19 minutes 35 seconds
The thumping of my heart is the only thing letting me know I'm still here. There is nothing else but silence around me. I can't even hear my breath. I know that time is not on my side right now. It seems to be going faster than normal. I don't understand. Why does this always happen? Why must I be haunted by the click on the wall? Hasn't it had enough? Hasn't it seen enough? What makes it want this to go faster. Is it for my own benefit? I don't see how it can be. All I want is for time to slow down. To let me have at least a moment of inner peace. To let me be...normal.
What is normal? What is this word that everyone uses? I don't think I've ever heard a true definition. I don't think I've ever seen a true definition. Is it a human capability to be normal? Is it something that you are born with or does it have to be accomplished? Are babies even "normal"? Can anyone be normal. Does normal mean boring, monotone, unenthusiastic? I don't think normal means anything. I think it's just the somebodies' way of making the nobodies feel as though they are worthless. Well let me tell you, it's working.
How can you let people believe in things you know don't exist? How can you let them think that there is a possibility to be something they're not? To see something that you know can never be seen. It's like letting a kid believe that they can be president or fly to the moon. The chances are it's not gonna happen, so why let them think that? It's filling their heads with unrealistic ideas and images. Your little girl will probably never be a princess, so don't let her think she will be. It's only fair to them. What happens when they grow up and realize you lied to them? How do you explain that? They will never trust you the same way again. Why risk it? Just let them know the truth. It's all that's left in the world. If there is any to be found anyway.
7 hours 13 minutes 10 seconds
Is there really someone watching over us? Can they really shield us from pain and loneliness? Can the people who go to heaven keep us safe? Can my mom keep me safe?
I've never really believed in heaven or God but every year on this day, I always pray. I always hope there is someone up there who can hear me and keep me from drowning in everything to come. I always say the same prayer.
Dear God,
Can you keep me safe? Can you show me you exist? Can you use your powers to protect someone who hasn't done anything wrong? Now, can you help me? I'm sorry for what I did. I promise it won't happen again. I'm sorry for being greedy and taking more than I needed. I know you needed another angel but did you have to take mine? Is she still watching over me? Is she still protecting me? Are you still letting her? It was my fault, I know. I'm the reason she's with you. Am I still allowed to want her. Am I still allowed to miss her? Do I have the right? Can I have her back? I know it's pretty much impossible but can you send her back to me? I promise I will be grateful. I promise I will love her with all my heart. I promise I won't do anything wrong. I will never give up on you. I believe you can do this for me. I hope you can do this for me but, if you can't, if it's too much, can you at least stop the pain. Can you keep it away? Can you hide me? I know he won't be in heaven but, I'm trying to make it there myself. Can you forgive me for all my sins? Can you look past all the bad I've done and see all the good I'm trying to do? Will you? I know I'm asking for a lot. I know there are millions of other deserving people out there. People who come before me. People who should come before me but, I'm asking you with all my heart to just let me have this one thing. You will never hear from me again. All I want is to be happy again. Can you give me that? Something I haven't felt in so long. Something that is so foreign to me that it seems like an impossibility. Something I've been wishing for for so many days. I just want that feeling back. The one where I feel loved by someone. Anyone. It doesn't have to be him. It really doesn't. But can I have someone? Just one person to like me for me. To want me for me. To love me for me. Just one person to hold me and tell me they love me. One person I can trust. Someone I know won't leave me no matter what. Even when the times get hard. They will see my bad and think of it as my good. They will think I'm perfect just the way I am. Can I have that? Am I worthy enough to have it? Have I lost all my chances? Please, I'm begging you God, I'm on my knees, let me be loved. Amen.
It's like a mantra in my head. It plays over and over. I've said it since I was 8. I don't think I'll ever forget it. It's my plea. My one way out and I'm still waiting. I will always wait.
3 hours 42 minutes 28 seconds
I wonder how long this will actually go on. Why haven't I told anyone? Why haven't I tried to escape? Who would listen? Where would I go? No one. Nowhere. He would just find me again and it would be worst than ever before. I wouldn't be able to handle it. I wouldn't want to handle it. At least now I can. At least now I have a place to live. A place where I can sleep, even if it's a living nightmare. I'd rather have a nightmare than a blank mind.
I don't have enough time. I never have enough time. It's going to happen. All I can hope is that my worst fear doesn't come true. All I can wish for is a miracle that will never happen. Who would save me anyway? Do I even deserve to be saved? Can I even be saved? What would happen afterwards? Would I live happily ever after in a castle in Neverland? Please. Why would I get something I know I don't deserve.
I always do this. I always doubt myself but, it's easy when there's no one to bring you up. But this is the day where it's the worst. It's always bad but today, it's terrible. I remember all the things I did and I hate myself for them. I hate myself for being that way. She was kind enough to put up with it but I'm not. I can't put up with myself. I can't stand to look at my face in the mirror. To see the face that looks so much like her but so much like him. I hate that I look like him and I hate that I look like her. I always get reminded of what I don't have. Of what hurts me more than anything else on this planet. Of what doesn't want me. I'm always reminded that I'll never be whole again.
1 hour 2 minutes 6 seconds
It's coming soon. I can already feel it. I can already smell it. It makes me want to throw up. Why does this happen to me? Cause you're worthless. I know. Cause no one wants you here. I know. Cause no one needs you, you don't belong here. You're the reason everything went to shit. You're selfish, ungrateful, and not worthy of love! You are nothing and you should just disappear. I know. You tell me every time. I know, ok.
I'm not ready but I'll handle it. I'll do what I can. Maybe just one. That's all I need. To be a bull. To see red. This will be the last time, just like all the other last times. I need it. I want it. I got to have it.
The third drawer, all the way on the left, underneath the Reds cap. That's where I keep it. That's its home. That's where my release lays. The metal feels cool to the touch. A feeling I know so well. Just a little pressure here and my problems disappear. I live by that. I can feel the metal slicing my skin. I can feel the warm blood dripping down my wrist. I can feel the artwork being made. I can feel, something. That's the goal right? To feel what I have before. To feel something other than loneliness. Just one more line. Or maybe two. Three to be safe. Or how about four and no more. No, five and see if I'm still alive. Six to get over the fix. Seven, will I see heaven? Eight, I think I'm too late. Nine, I think it's my time. Ten, is this the end? No. I'm almost there. Almost.
10 seconds
I can hear the door slam.
9 seconds
I can hear the footsteps.
8 seconds
The stairs creak.
7 seconds
The air thickens.
6 seconds
He's at the door.
5 seconds
The handle turns.
4 seconds
He's in the room.
3 seconds
He's coming towards me.
2 seconds
It's go time.
1 second
"You know what's about to happen"
AN: Let me know what you think!
