The sounds of him crying and screaming could actually be heard through the walls, that's how intense it was, and how long it would carry on for. Skwisgaar lie awake in his bed silently hoping that somebody else would tend to the rhythm guitarist. His phone buzzed casting a blue light in the mostly dark room, he reached over picking it up off of the night stand to see who had messaged him.

'Go fucking take care of him'- Nathan

The guitarist tossed his phone onto the bed, he took his time getting up and pulling his jeans on. It had to be four in the morning, he had a mild hang over, the screaming from the brown haired man's bedroom wasn't helping all too much, and now he had to go calm him down. He tried to remember who had done it last time, but to be perfectly honest he was pretty sure he'd done it last time as well. He really did wish somebody else would tend to him, even if that did sound mean. He wanted to be good with these things, but he wasn't; he had been raised to just man the fuck up at a very early age. His mom had never been around and when she had been there was generally another step father for him, another man who beat him around and insulted him. He'd learned by age nine that crying and telling his mom didn't change anything, he'd just turned sadness into anger, and everything else into his passion for music. It did annoy him that Toki couldn't learn to do the same thing, but he'd seen how much the young man could repress and just how bad it got over time.

As he made his way to Toki's room he wondered how long until he'd start to get over this. He wondered why therapy didn't seem to be doing much and why the Hell he always ended up having terrible nightmares that caused him to have fits. They were pretty sure he didn't even sleep all that much anymore, he only slept if he was over medicating himself or if he was drinking himself to sleep. Skwisgaar tried to make sure he didn't over do his medications, but it was really difficult to keep an eye on another person let alone a grown man. He had problems watching out for himself let alone somebody else, he really wasn't sure how to handle it, and he hated that he didn't.

He went from a slow pace to full out running when he heard something break in the direction of the rhythm guitarist's room. He pushed open the door and stepped inside to find Toki on the floor curled up in the fetal position, a broken lamp on the ground, and his feet bloody from where he'd kicked or stepped on the broken shards of glass. Skwisgaar knelt in front of him minding the glass on the floor, he cautiously placed a hand on the younger man's shoulder. He wasn't too surprised when his hand was hit away, the younger man whimpered either from pain or fear. Skwisgaar tried again, this time placing his hand lightly on top of his head; his fingers ran through damp brown locks.

"Heys it's me, c'mon little Toki" He whispered trying to get his band mate out of whatever state he was in right now.

He did this a lot, even when he was awake he would do this. Something would just make him go; they were used to seeing him be put under too much stress and lose it in the form of violent rage, but this was different. He didn't really get violent he just got scared, usually cried or screamed; they were less sure how to handle him this way. Though nobody really wanted to go near him when he wanted to beat any human he saw half to death.

"Relax it's okays, I promise. Ja that's it just relax, come ons"

Toki's body relaxed, he lifted his head looking at the older man through bleary tear filled eyes. If he had slept it hadn't been for too long; most of the time he slept he just had nightmares.

"I needs to clean your feet, yous cuts yourself."

The brunette looked down just now noticing the broken lamp and the blood on the soles of his feet. He nodded slightly not speaking or arguing when Skwisgaar got up and went into the bathroom to get the first aid kit. They had decided a good while ago to just go ahead and put one in the rhythm guitarist's bathroom since he was the one who seemed to hurt himself the most, generally on accident.

He returned to find the other man still where he had left him, that wasn't too big of a surprise. He didn't fight or squirm when Skwisgaar began removing the glass from his skin and cleaning the cuts, he just stared off like he normally did. It freaked them all out wondering when or if he'd return to normal; they usually just waited it out. This seemed like something they couldn't do that to. Once he was finished he set the box to the side, he helped the younger man up and back onto his bed. He didn't even allow the thought of going to his own room cross his mind, he knew that wasn't going to happen anytime soon. He leaned back against the headboard; Toki wrapped an arm around his waist and rest his head against his chest, Skwisgaar held him against his side.

"I hads a nightmare thats they killed me"

The blonde gently rubbed at his back, he allowed him to talk.

"I thoughts when I woke up that I was still there, it looked like theres, and I guess I freaked out. Sorry, I knows I do this a lot, it's fucking stupids."

"It's not stupids Toki, yous went through a lot."

"I shoulds get over it though, ja?" he asked looking up at his band mate.

Skwisgaar brushed his hair back out of his face, fingers lightly touching his cheek.

"No, it's...Looks everything is very weird right now ands we all have a lot to deals with."

The younger man still looked unsure, at least he wasn't zoned out.

"I knows when I get this way like when my parents came here or after my dad died and all of that, that yous guys were annoyed with me. I'm trying reals hard to get over this, I really am, bu-but I can't."

He sounded frustrated, he looked away again like he was too embarrassed to look the older man in the eye.

"It doesn't annoy us Toki, we just...Looks when Magnus was in the bands..."

He felt Toki tense at the mention of the previous guitarist's name, Skwisgaar ran a hand up along his arm hoping to get him to relax; he couldn't blame him for not even wanting to hear that name. Hell they'd all hoped they'd never hear that name again.

"We cared abouts him a lot, he was a very good friends of ours. Then he sort of just, well lost his shit basically; it freaked us outs seeing him thats way. One second he was normals then he just went, well you knows how he...Anyways we agreed thats if we got another guitarist that wes wouldn't cares about them. If we didn't care or at least said we don't cares then if our new guitarist turned out likes Magnus then it wouldn't hurt as badly."

He remembered the fight that had happened when they had kicked Magnus out of the band, remembered how pissed off he had been. He remembered how scared they'd been the next day to see he'd written on the living room wall in blood that he would have his revenge, for months they'd all been on edge waiting for the crazy bastard to attack them or their families. They didn't know what he would do, he was obviously off in the head, and for the most part they hadn't seen it coming. They hadn't taken the time to pay attention if there had been any signs. Thinking about it he realized that if they had paid more attention this time around then they would have noticed and stopped Toki from getting so close to the crazy fuck.

"Sos you didn't want mes to end up like him, I don't think I could be like that. He told me I shoulds be like him, because you guys don't cares about me. I feel like shit, because I sort of believed him when he said thats to me. I know yous guys care, just never say it or nothing."

"I'm sorry abouts that, we shouldn't have isolated yous when you joined our band. You aren't Magnus, at all...Just it seemed safer that ways, I was always close to him so it really was dildos when he turned on us. That's part of the reason I always treats you like garbage."

He never had anything against the guy; he wasn't sure why in Hell they had thought that the brown haired homeless boy would ever turn out like Magnus. He was too innocent and happy, he'd never really cared about making money or getting laid; he'd just wanted a place to live and people who wanted him around. They had just always sort of waited for something to change for the worst, Skwisgaar had been nice enough to him when he'd first joined the band; over time things had changed.

Toki sat up so he could more easily make eye contact with the blonde haired man.

"I remembers when I joined the band, yous were always real nice to me. Used to compliment me and everythings, I always wondered what I did wrong to make you hate me."

"I don't hates you, don't be stupid"

He knew in a weird way that was how they connected; competing, fighting, and bullying each other. Even if most of the time Skwisgaar was the one doing the bullying, it was just their way of communication. He had never thought once that it actually bothered the younger man until the few times when he would just snap and go off about how badly he'd been treated.

"It's hards to tell sometimes, like now; I knows you listens to me when I talks about things about what they did to me. Just I also knows you don't wants to have to take cares of me and that you don't wants to hear these things. I really am trying to be braver, but I've never been good at that." He smiled sadly

Skwisgaar sat up, he caressed the younger man's cheek noting on the way he leaned into his touch.

"I tolds you it's hard to handle and it's really hard to listen to yous talks about these things. You are braves though, the things you told me happened to yous as a child...Nobody coulds have survived thats, but somehow you dids."

It was hard to believe how much Hell one person could go through before even turning eighteen. A couple of times he'd wondered if he himself could have survived the kind of childhood that Toki had had, but realized he couldn't have. It would have killed him completely, but it didn't do that to the brunette; it just somehow made him a better person. Far too forgiving and overly trusting, always trusting and forgiving the worst people.

"I thoughts about you a lot when I was there, I knows that sounds really creepy, but I did. Abigail told me to think about things that makes me happy. You and the others do that, but I still thought about you a lots too."

"Do you haves that many good memories of me, I figured they'd mostly be bad ones." He said smirking

"Nos I gots lots of good ones, mostly when we first met. We used to hangs out a lot and you'd teach me things on guitar and tell me how talented I ams. I used to have nightmares then too and you'd be theres for me and never made funs of me for crying or nothing. I always really liked having yous around Skwisgaar, I still do."

The blonde took hold of his hand brushing his thumb along his knuckles.

"I'm goings to not be so means to you, okay? It's just a stupids waste of time. I still thinks you're a great guitarist, not as great as me, but still goods. I missed yous a lot, I wish you were better"

Toki smiled, he leaned in closer to the older man.

"I feels better when I gots you around, it was really weirds not being around you."

His bright blue eyes looked over the blonde haired man sitting before him; he looked more awake right now than he had for days. Skwisgaar placed a hand on the back of his neck his fingers rubbing against his skin, he could feel his breath warm against his face. He could pretty much guess where this could and would go unless he said something.

"I'm always here little Tokis"

He didn't objectify when lips pressed against his, he felt the man kissing him was more unsure than he was. He tangled his fingers in the younger man's hair holding him still as he kissed him back taking control of the situation. Toki wrapped his arms around the older man's shoulders, he lay back on the bed pulling Skwisgaar down on top of him. The blonde bit at his lower lip, he kissed along his jawline and down along the side of his neck; Toki groaned in response to the lips on his neck and the hands wandering up his sides. He felt the younger man press up against him, he took hold of his hips pushing him back down against the bed. Skwisgaar broke away looking down at his friend, he traced his index finger along his jawline.

"No, go to sleeps"

Toki narrowed his eyes at the blonde, he rolled his hips allowing Skwisgaar to see just how awake he was at the moment.

He kissed him, not as long this time to the disappointment of the rhythm guitarist.

"Please, I really needs this"

"No yours just confused and maybe a little drunk. It'd be a bad ideas"

They shouldn't even have kissed, but it had felt nice. The younger man looked feminine minus the facial hair, he spent so much time around Skwisgaar, and they could have lost him. He found himself kissing the brown haired man again, slowly this time; Toki's body pressed up against his, Skwisgaar placed a hand on the small of his back feeling along the map of scars. He felt his friend shudder when he touched them, ran his fingers along them almost tracing them; he'd seen them enough times to know how they looked from memory. He broke away from the kiss again, this time getting up from the bed completely. Toki sat up looking hurt and lost, the far off look was staring to come back to his light colored eyes.

"Your leavings" he muttered looking away

"Ja I gots to, we shouldn't..We shouldn't do that, this; it's a really bads idea."

He expected some argument or maybe even a plea to stay, but instead Toki remained silent. He didn't meet the older man's eyes like he was just too ashamed about what had happened. Skwisgaar left his room returning to his own; he didn't notice until he looked out the window that the sun was rising.