=II=
A mother's lesson
Clare felt as if grabbed violently by a force she could not oppose, her spirit dragged into a spiraling tunnel without end. Then she found herself in a pool of water. She was in human form, naked. The pool had an otherworldly pale blue fluorescence and the water was milky and tepid, welcoming. She saw another figure in the pool, first blurry but then, over time, becoming recognizable, her faint smile on her face.
She wanted to cry, but the ambience was soothing and a sense of peace had embraced her since the beginning, and she kept calm, even if tears were flowing from her eyes.
"Teresa…"
"Child…"
Again memories flashed before Clare's eyes. Teresa hugging her in the woods, with the flickering light and the popping sounds of the campfire. Clare falling asleep in Teresa's lap, in an inn room that felt like a long-lost home. When she was given her first traveling suit. When she was rescued by the bandits. She rushed to Teresa and hugged her, with all her strength.
"So… There is paradise… Every day, every instant of my life all I wanted was to be with you again…"
"You are alive, child, and fighting."
"It cannot be, I must be dead by now. I sought vengeance all my life, and failed. I failed you. I killed you and then failed you, I…"
Teresa's image release the embrace and waved a hand to shush her.
"You gifted me with the best moments of my existence, Clare. The only worth living. I would not trade those for anything. And it's me that failed you, I should've protected you from a life like this. It is me that should have been stronger, you were a little girl."
"But… I did no good to you, you'd never died hadn't it been for me. You broke rules for me, I made you weak and you died because of me!"
"I died, yes. Had I remained harder and less forgiving, I might have survived, but never lived. You taught me to live again Clare, when I felt it was no longer possible. What is a long existence without life…"
"Teresa… Let me stay here, forever, with you."
"Soon there will be no 'here'."
"Where are we?"
"You tell me… I think this is a space generated by your spirit and your youki."
"Eh?"
"I am just a… guest. You let myself, my flesh, my blood, inside you. And with them, my spirit."
"Your spirit? You have been with me?"
"Yes. I watched every step. I witnessed every moment. The pain, the sorrow, the happiness... the rare happiness."
"I have never been happy…"
"Yes, you have been. With Raki. For a few moments I sensed your happiness, against all odds. You were happy with Miria and the others, too, sometimes. In front of a campfire you could find relief. Fragments of joy, in a sorrow's path, but there nonetheless. Those moments should remind you that the sky cannot be grey forever. And maybe, that there is something worth fighting for."
"Teresa… Why haven't you showed up in all these years?"
"I have. I have been with you when you were in need."
Clare recalled the times she had felt like someone was helping her, even teaching her. Moves learned overnight, yet untrained. Warmth embracing her when she needed, hope sustaining her when in dire straits.
"It was you, Teresa. I should know it, I should… understand, follow the way, find you. Why couldn't I come here sooner…"
"I don't know, child. Perhaps because it is the only time you are consciously giving up humanity, and your last bits of it sensed me and wished to say goodbye one last time. I don't have all the answers."
"Yes, perhaps. All is lost, now. I cannot return, I will die as the monsters I have been chasing all life. But it was worth it, just for this time with you…"
"That girl, had more spirit than you."
"What?"
"I saw courage, when you hit that bandit in the woods. What am I looking at now?"
"I tried Teresa, but I cannot beat her. I know I made a promise, but I cannot keep it. I tried… everything. And I awakened. I… accepted to awaken. No, I wanted to, it feels… good, it is like leaving the world behind, and misery too. I accept it, and not to return."
"If you could not return, we would not be here, child."
"The beast, I cannot resist… And… there is no purpose…"
"You chose to become a warrior, your purpose is to fight."
"But… I can't beat her, I am useless."
"And why can't you beat her?"
"I do not have enough strength. She's too powerful. I tried everything, I… accepted to awaken, not to ever return. It was not enough… She just laughed at me. I knew it, but I did it anyway, I don't know, I just wanted everything to stop. I cannot take it anymore."
For the first time, Teresa's smile left her face and her eyes grew harder.
"Answer my question."
"What?"
"I asked why can't you beat her."
"She's stronger than me…"
Teresa slapped Clare, her expression becoming tougher.
"Now you will be answering me, and quit with this childish excuses."
Clare could not understand. She did not feel any pain being hit, but it was like she felt the hit nonetheless. Mechanically she covered her cheek with a hand.
"I do not…"
Teresa slapped her again on the other cheek, more strongly. Clare lost balance for a moment, and waves of milky water formed and dissipated over time; again she did not feel pain, but saw the consequences of the stroke, as in Rafaela's world.
"Why do you do this to me… Not now, Teresa, please… I beg you…"
Teresa slapped her again; yet, she did not feel pain, but was hurt, deeply.
Teresa's expression was hard, but there was no malevolence in her eyes: "One last time, child, why can't you beat her?"
It was as if Clare listened to the question for the first time. She had heard it already, but had not listened. She could not understand, or could she? She thought of Priscilla, and she saw flashes of her on the battlefield, her moves, her strokes. She considered.
"Her youki has no bounds, she is too fast… I cannot hit her, I cannot defend from her. Even when we were hitting her, she regenerated in seconds…"
Teresa's smile came back, gentle: "So you could hit her, or not?"
"Well yes, a few times, but she was still building up her power, now she got Cassandra and she is complete. I cannot anymore. I tried, Teresa, I…"
Again, Teresa waved a hand to shush her, with authority, yet kindly.
"What is speed, Clare?"
It was the first time she called her by name, as if she was not longer a child.
"Speed? Well… It defines how fast things move in space."
"And during a fight, is it the same?"
"Why, yes… The consequences are how many blows one can land and face. The ground you can cover, many things."
"And what defines your speed?"
"My strength, my muscles, my stamina… My youki…"
"Your skills, your balance, your clear mind, your vision."
"What do you mean?"
"Was it your brute force allowing you to control your legs against Rigaldo, or did you learn how to? Every fight is a dance, to dance you must be balanced. You do not dance well if your strength is our of control and there is no finesse. You do not fight well if you do not dance well."
"Well, yes, of course, but… I reached the limit of my skills and experience. They are what they are, I can only seek more and more strength. I trained, Teresa, I trained … Every day, I welcomed every fight, because I felt it could help me improve. I did, but she is more skilled, she just is. I tried to become stronger, but she just is…"
"You do not believe in you, Clare. You do not realize how far you have gone. The Claymores that met you saw your infinite potential. If they were foes, they tried to kill you. If they were friends, they tried to teach something to you. No, more than that, they trusted you with their essence. In all this you learned, but you do not trust what you learned. Let them help you, let your experiences help you."
Clare seemed tired of a discussion she could not completely understand: "Well, I trained, yes, with other Claymores. I tried to teach them what I had learned, too. So we had better chances to win. Same reason why they did it…".
Then the memory of Jean's smile hit Clare, so did the memory of Irene severing her remaining arm, and awareness started to grow. "No, it was not just… training…"
Teresa nodded, then continued: "Say, what part of what you have learned is failing against Priscilla?"
"I told you! I... told you... She is faster, she is more… She is complete!"
"Have her skills improved? Has her speed?"
"Of course…"
Teresa slapped her again.
"Think Clare. Think. Is it so?"
Clare was not sure what she was supposed to do, but tried to scan the last moments of the fight. She felt like there was something obvious, so close to her and yet so slippery. She saw again Priscilla, how fast, how unreachable her speed was, how clumsy Clare looked in front of her. Then, a glimpse of understanding.
"Wait… She is stronger, and faster. But… I can't explain…"
"Try harder, Clare."
"She… Our… The difference between us, increased but… It is as if…"
"See it Clare, stop watching, just see it."
"She is faster than she was. Stronger. She evolved, but… considering her alone… marginally, she was insane already. It is us… together… That changed more…"
"Yes. You welcomed the awakening, a feral status. It is driven by hatred and instincts. You turned into a brawler. Skills and experience must control the strength to exploit it, but they can do so up to a certain point. After, raw strength can no longer be controlled, channeled. It just takes over."
"So, the awakening does not make you stronger?"
"Strength, power, can assume many forms. The youki flowing enhances some of them, at the others' expense. Your body becomes faster, but it is for your mind to use it and if the mind tires too much or, to the extreme, regresses to feral status, you use only a portion of the potential and let yourself to be blinded by rage."
"I recall… When you fought Priscilla the second time, you said you had to fight… seriously…"
"She was extraordinary, even then. Her youki was immense, and yet her control was almost perfect. I had to try my best."
"But you did not awake…"
"I could never beat her brawling, but I had a chance dancing."
"I cannot beat Priscilla brawling either."
"No, but if you stop wasting time trying, there is still something for you to learn and you will know if you have a chance dancing."
