You disappear with all your good intentions.
And all I am is all I could not mention.
Like who will bring me flowers when its over?
And who will give me comfort when it's cold?
She took a plane to somewhere out in space.
To start a life and maybe change the world.
See I never meant for you to have to crawl.
No I never meant to let you go at all.
Oh no, Oh no. Don't ever say goodbye.
See my head aches from all this thinkin'.
Feels like a ship. God, God knows I'm sinkin'.
Wonder what you do, and where it is you stay?
These questions like a whirlwind, they carry me away.
And I said who will bring me flowers when it's over?
And who will give me comfort when it's cold?
And who will I belong to when the day just won't give in?
And who will tell me how it ends, and how it all begins?
Oh, oh, oh love. Yeah. Don't ever say goodbye.
I said, I'm only human. I said I'm only human...
Flowers for a Ghost
-Thriving Ivory
She couldn't believe he was standing in front of her, and then without thinking she had wrapped her arms around him. He buried his face in her dark curls, breathed her in, disbelieving what he saw. Needing that physical contact just as much as she did.
"Oh my God." She whispered and found that he had in turn wrapped his arms around her waist. He pulled her closer for a fraction of a second, that lump of emotion threatening in his throat.
"Not exactly." He teased to break the spell, her body warm against his.
"How have you been?" She asked, as she pulled back ever so slightly, her hands on his shoulders. The years had been kind, but his eyes still held a trace of that sadness. That ever present reminder of why she had never picked up the phone.
His eyes wandered up and down her body, taking her in like a parched man. She looked just as amazing as ever, but there was a darkness she tried to hold back from him. Her smile not as large, her voice not as light.
"I'm ok." He smiled, that famous smirk of his. The one that she couldn't help answering with a grin of her own. She chuckled and shook her head in disbelief. This was what had been missing. In her lonely little life, his presence banished the ugliness for awhile. Why did he always make her feel better? What was it about his hands on her waist, or that knowing look, that always lit up the dark corners of her heart?
"Dad?" Clem tugged at his pants and he released Kate to attend to his daughter. Keeping her in the corner of his eye, as if he was afraid she'd vanish. Seeing her again reminded him once more. That life was still out there. It was written in her freckles; the sun rose every morning, and he really needed to get back into the game.
"I see you've been busy." Kate smirked and Aaron tugged on her shirt from behind.
"Auntie Kate?" She turned to look at Aaron and saw that the look of confusion on his face matched the one on Clementine's. She could see each child try and place the familiar faces. "You remember Clem, don't you Aaron?"
It had been two or more years since she had stopped in and visited Cassidy, their friendship having fallen by the wayside when she had been confronted with the possibilities that Cassidy offered for why she had kept Aaron, and then with her leaving for the island. When they had come back... Well, she didn't want to step on Claire's toes, and it had been hard enough explaining to the boy that she wasn't his mother.
Clem's face lit up upon Kate's words, matching Aaron's understanding and excitement.
"Auntie Kate!" Clem threw her arms around Kate's stomach and squeezed. Kate laughed. "Guess what?" She pulled back and grabbed Kate's hand. "This is my daddy! Daddy, this is Auntie Kate, and my friend, Aaron. We used to play together all the time." Aaron climbed down from the booth and bounced up and down next to Clementine, her excitement contagious.
"We know each other actually." Kate smiled, her eyes locked on Sawyer's.
"Yup Princess, Freckles and I go way back." He smiled, his eyes teasing hers right back.
Aaron tugged on Kate's free hand, dragging her down to his level.
"What should I call him?" Aaron whispered and pointed. Kate smiled to herself, sadly. The poor little guy, didn't want to know who Sawyer was in relation to him, as much as he wanted to know what to call him. She supposed that was her fault. It had been confusing for him to find out that she wasn't his mother, and to switch to Auntie Kate. Now he always asked, and every time he did it hurt and reminded her of the guilt. She hoped one day to forgive herself for what she had done to him.
Sawyer overheard his question and noted the almost pained smile on Kate's face. He wondered just what the dynamic was between the two of them. When she had first walked in, he had not questioned her as his mother. But knowing some of the circumstances now... God, if anyone took Clem from him...
He suddenly had an all new respect for the woman in front of him.
Bending over to Aaron's level he ruffled the small boy's hair.
"How about you just call me, Sawyer?" He asked, taking the pressure from Kate's shoulders. She smiled in gratitude and Aaron scrunched up his nose in an adorable little grin.
"Kay." He murmured suddenly shy.
"You guys live in the area?" Sawyer asked as he stood again, and Kate also straightened her form. Aaron climbed back up on the seat and slid to the window, pulling his ice cream with him.
"Claire and Aaron, live just around the corner. I have a little place a few blocks further." She stepped aside as Clem scrambled past her and climbed up on the bench seat next to Aaron. Sawyer watched Kate's eyes follow the two kids. Clem was showing Aaron her new toy.
He could hear the pain in Kate's words. It must have killed her to leave the two of them alone. She wouldn't meet his eyes, which said plenty. A few years ago she wouldn't have made the distinction.
He watched as Clem tried to explain to Aaron the whole naming thing. To his credit the little boy appeared to be interested in the topic.
Kate stood suddenly silent, awkwardly tugging at her sleeve. She was wearing a soft green shirt, much like the one she had on all those years ago when he had conned her into that kiss. It made her eyes and freckles stand out, he thought idly as the sun streamed through the window and danced off her skin, leaving her with that familiar warm glow.
He didn't know what to say to her. In all the years, after everything they had been through, nothing seemed right for this moment. So instead he monitored her out of the corner of his eye as she picked up a napkin and wiped at Aaron's chin. The boy turned his head away from her and she let it go, crumpled the napkin in her hand, then smoothed it out again.
"What about you?" Kate finally tossed over her shoulder in his general direction.
It hurt too. Standing next to him, not knowing if tomorrow this would all be but a memory. If he would disappear just as easily this time.
He wore a leather jacket over a faded gray tee, some random print snaking up the side. Reminding her of that time on the beach when he'd given her a 'mix' tape, making her smile sweetly at the memory. She watched him out of the corner of her eye as he stepped up beside her, his hand hanging quietly next to hers. Close enough to feel his body heat dancing against her skin, making the butterflies in her stomach swarm.
"Not too far from here. Clem stays with her mom most of the time though." He answered. She crumpled the napkin again.
"Kind of a long drive isn't it?"
He picked at some imaginary piece of lint on Clem's shirt.
"Cass, moved to Phoenix a while back," he shrugged. "...and it's worth it."
She smoothed the napkin out again.
He shifted closer.
She shied away.
"I know." She murmured, a frown tracing the edges of her lips. Part of him wanted to touch her shoulder. Offer comfort. She always did have that ability. It was nice to know some things never changed.
"Mandy also says that boys don't have cooties... but I'm not sure I believe her... Auntie Kate?" Clem turned her attention to Kate and Kate immediately lit up again. It was amazing, the game she played. He figured that every moment with Aaron must have been some kind of inner hell, knowing she had to leave him with his mother at the end of the day. But she never let him see that. He knew she was good at playing pretend, he just never thought she could be so content to do it.
He supposed he would do the same though. Hell, he did do it to some extent. Every time he had to take Clem home was torturous. He couldn't imagine what it would be like if she started calling Cassidy's new husband, Dad.
"I don't know, Clem. I think your dad might know more about boy cooties than I do."
"Thanks." He muttered under his breath and Kate laughed. Clementine seemed to ponder her words for a minute before turning to her father.
"Well?" She asked.
"Yes, until you are thirty all boys have cooties." He simply stated. Clementine seemed to accept this.
"Do I have cooties? What is a cootie?" Aaron seemed rather concerned at the thought and Kate slid into the booth and took one of his hands in hers.
"No Baby, you don't have cooties. Little boys don't get cooties." She tried to comfort him.
"But I'm a big boy." He insisted, now clearly concerned. Kate quirked an eyebrow at Sawyer, fully expecting him to clean up the mess he had made.
"So you are." Sawyer stated, then cocked his head to one side and pretended to study the little boy. "Stick out your tongue." He continued.
Sawyer slid into the booth next to Kate and leaned over, invading her space. He put his hand on Aaron's chin and turned the little boy's head so he could look into his mouth.
"What do you think, Auntie Kate? Do you see any cooties?" He turned his head, to face her as he spoke. For a heart stopping second, she didn't respond, distracted by the distance between his lips and her nose. The arm closest to her had wrapped around the back of the bench so he could reach Aaron's chin more easily with his other hand. Trapping her between his arms. If she just leaned a little closer...
No. She shook her head, forcing the memories away.
"Nope." She choked out, then swallowed and composed herself. "Nope, no cooties."
"You must be pretty special." Sawyer agreed. "I think it's safe to say if you don't have them by now, you're not going to get them." His voice serious. Aaron smiled and sat back as Sawyer pulled his hand back and removed his arm from behind her. The silence returned.
Why couldn't he just talk to her? He had a million questions to ask her. Why couldn't she just look at him? It would make him feel a lot less guilty. And why did he feel guilty anyway? He wasn't the only one who never called.
If she would just look at him.
She was so stupid. Did she really think that they could just fall back into step? What did she even want from him? She was doing perfectly fine. So then why couldn't she look him in the eye? Why did she think he would see everything written there? Why did it matter?
It's not like he would be staying around. She couldn't let him in, not until she knew. If he left again...
"Dad?" Clementine interrupted their silent test of wills. "Can we go play on the swings?"
There was a small park across the street; depending on the weather, he sometimes took her there after their ice cream stop. It was a little cold outside, but he didn't want to leave yet. They all had jackets and would be fine for a little while anyway.
"Aunt Kate?" He asked as she finally met his eyes, surprised at what he saw in them. She simply nodded. He looked away quickly.
Too much. Maybe he didn't want to see that much. Fear. She was afraid of something.
He quickly slid out of the booth and helped Clem and then Aaron down as Kate gathered their trash.
"Put your jacket on." She told Aaron who had started to run for the door without it.
"Slow down." Sawyer cautioned as Clem nearly ran into the closed door.
Kate handed Aaron's jacket to Sawyer, then went to throw their trash away. He helped Aaron into his jacket as Clem tapped her foot impatiently by the door. Kate returned to his side and took Aaron's hand. Sawyer opened the door for Clem and held it as Kate and Aaron trailed through.
"Hands." Kate called out as Clem approached the street. She huffed and stopped waiting for the adults to catch up, then impatiently stuck her hand up to grab Kate's before crossing the street.
"She's yours alright." Kate joked. Sawyer smiled unapologetically.
"Well, that little guy has got to be the most mellow tyke I've ever seen. Clearly Claire's." Kate's smile faded and she looked away, finding interest in something off in the distance.
Good going. He was such an idiot sometimes. She had always brought that out in him too.
They crossed into the park and Kate let go of the kid's hands as they ran toward the playground equipment. Aaron tumbled and she started toward him but Sawyer held her back, his arm in front of her.
"He's got it." Sawyer said softly, and sure enough, Aaron quickly picked himself back up and ran to join Clem. Sawyer pulled his arm back and Kate bit her lip.
"I know... It's just..." It was impossible to express to someone who didn't know. How every time he fell she just wanted to pull him into her arms and kiss away his injuries, imagined or not.
"I know." His voice was low and soothing.
Kate turned to look at him. He smiled sadly. He did know. If anyone knew what it was like, it was him. She couldn't imagine what he had to go through every time he brought his daughter home. How he could drive back without her. Knowing that if anything happened to her, it would be hours before he could rush to her side and comfort her. That he couldn't just drive down the road and stop by.
"You do." She agreed; her voice was barely a whisper, almost lost on the wind that teased her hair. He reached out and grabbed her wrist. Why couldn't he stop touching her?
A park bench stood not too far from where they were, so he tugged on her arm trying to give meaning to his touch by directing her to the bench. They sat in silence and he let go of her to fold his arms across his chest.
Clem and Aaron ran around, shrieking in childish delight as they watched silently. Kate wrapped her hand around the wrist he'd held. Something inside started to wake. It squirmed in the pit of her stomach and she wasn't sure she liked it all that much.
"What have you been up to?" She finally asked.
So he told her. Joked about all his little misadventures and tried his hardest to make her smile. Smile she did, and laughed as she shared little tidbits about the past two years with him. He told her about Clementine. About how scared he'd been that first time he'd taken her for the weekend. She told him about the first time she'd left Aaron with a sitter, how she'd called every ten minutes and only been gone half an hour.
He told her about their first trip to the ice cream parlor across the street and she'd howled in delight when he told her that he had been unable to tell his daughter no. She told him she always knew that if he had a daughter, or met his daughter, that that little girl would have him wrapped around her finger.
He asked about her house, how long she'd been there. How she dealt with it, with leaving Aaron behind. She only shared that same sad smile, and told him she just did.
He didn't know how long they sat there, at one point Aaron had come over and sat on the bench next to Kate, laying his head in her lap. She combed her fingers through the fine blond hair and he drifted off. Clem came back and climbed into his lap, resting her head on his shoulder and playing with a strand of Kate's hair. Wrapping it around her finger and then unwinding it.
"I missed you." She finally admitted. He nodded and gruffly admitted he missed her too. Then noticed how late and cold it was getting. Trying to distance himself again.
"It's freezing out here. What's wrong with us?" He stood and turned Clem in his arms, she wrapped her arms around his neck and her legs around his waist.
"Daddy. I don't want to go to the zoo tomorrow."
Kate slid her arms under Aaron and pulled him up against her shoulder. He sleepily snuggled into her as she stood.
"And what do you want to do instead?" He asked as he picked up her bear and handed it to her, waiting for Kate to secure Aaron in her arms before they both started back across the street to their cars.
Clementine looked over at Kate and Aaron and then back at her father.
"Well, it was really fun playing with Aaron today and he lives here. So I'm not going to see him when I go home..." She started her argument with all the facts. He kissed her forehead.
"You wanna hang out with Aunt Kate and Aaron?" He asked and she nodded.
"Puhleeease?"
"Claire is going out tomorrow night anyway. I don't think she'd mind if you and Clementine wanted to stop by for a bit. I'm sure she'd love to catch up as well." Kate supplied. That hope in her voice, the one he couldn't ignore. He was tired of pretending not to miss her. It was stupid and a waste of time.
Now that he had found her again, he didn't want to leave her behind.
He had spent the afternoon having the best time he could remember in a long time. It seemed pointless to go back to the way things were.
She hoped he would take her up on it. She didn't care what happened as long as she could see him again. He was if nothing else, the best friend she had ever had. Claire was wonderful, and she loved her like a sister, but even she couldn't fill in all the gaps. She could never talk to her about how much leaving Aaron behind hurt. Sawyer understood that. Hell, he understood her in a way no one else had ever been able to do.
It was nice to have someone who could read her silence just as well as her words.
The setting sun cast an orange glow on her face, he noted. Her eyes dark in the dimming light, but somehow she seemed to embody everything he had missed these past two years. His best friend. That girl that part of him would probably always miss, even when she was standing next to him. They were both older now, wiser too. Maybe this time they could make their friendship work.
"You got a number?" He smiled.
She let out the breath she didn't know she'd been holding.
"Yeah, it'd be wrong to keep these two apart." She smirked and dug her phone out of her pocket with one hand, leaning back to shift Aaron's weight to her shoulder more. He pulled his phone out and swapped phones with her.
"Of course." He set Clementine down and programmed his number in her phone. She struggled with one hand for a minute before he took his phone from her and pressed a few buttons, then took Aaron from her and handed her the phone back.
The display read: Freckles. She smiled, and typed her number in then handed him the phone back and tried to take Aaron from him.
"Where you parked?" He asked instead. Taking Clem's hand she walked over to her car and opened the back door for him. He fastened Aaron in, closed the door and leaned on it. Clementine rubbed her eyes and yawned, leaning against his leg. He picked her up and she cuddled into his neck.
"It was good seeing you again." Kate said softly, and bit her lip almost nervously.
"You too." He felt like a teenager on his first date.
"Tomorrow, then?" This was beyond silly. They were adults. But her heart wouldn't stop pounding in her ears.
"Tomorrow." He confirmed but didn't move.
For a minute she thought he was going to lean in and kiss her. But he didn't. Instead he gave her that smirk and then started for his truck.
Shaking her head at her silliness, she climbed into her car and buckled her seatbelt. She let out a soft laugh at herself, then turned the car on and started toward Claire's.
It wasn't until she pulled up that she remembered she forgot Claire's ice cream.
