Miss Ratina: (yelling at the top of her voice) DAISY! GIANNA!

Speedy, Guido: (springing up in their beds) WAHA!

Speedy: (momentarily confused) But mom, I don't wanna go to school today! Wait … where am I?

Guido: On the air, school's over!

Narrator: It's five-thirty the next morning –

Speedy, Guido: (shocked beyond measure) Five-thirty!

N: Don't shoot the messenger! You think I'M happy to be up this early, looking at you two gender-bended boneheads? Nobody considers my feelings …

Guido: Get on with it!

N: I will! It's five-thirty the next morning when Miss Ratina decides to bang on Speedy and Guido's door to rouse their lazy behinds out of bed. THERE!

Speedy: (rubbing his eyes) Why's Miss Ratina waking us up at freakin' five-thirty? I thought we weren't supposed to wake up 'til freakin' six-thirty!

Guido: I have a feeling this has something to do with our punishment … (yawn)

N: Guido was freakin' right! Seeing as Miss Ratina was about as merciful as Speedy's morning breath, she forced all those who attended Daisy and Gianna's infamous slumber party to run ten laps around the field before breakfast.

(Speedy and Guido are now running outside, dressed fully in their 'girly' attire.)

Miss Ratina: (yelling at the girls as they run their laps) Nothing like a morning jog to get your digestion pumping, huh ladies?

Speedy: (muttering) Yeah, I'd like to pump her!

(Guido stares at Speedy weirdly.)

Speedy: Okay so that came out wrong … but listen! I'm convinced Miss Ratina is the Big Cheese.

Guido: How do you figure?

Speedy: Because she's a rotten, good-for-nothing RAT! That's how. It's the Big Cheese down to a tea.

Guido: Whatever, we're still calling Polly later.

N: Guido has a right to be suspicious. For you see, if Speedy and Guido don't uncover some dastardly scheme at this self-defence course, then basically their presence is … meaningless. But funny! For us. And isn't that what really matters?

(Guido runs past Miss Ratina again, on his eighth lap. She gives him a wink … )

Miss Ratina: Nice form, Gigi!

Speedy: (highly amused) Ah ha ha ha!

Guido: (revolted) Shut up!

(After their run Speedy, Guido and the others congregate in the mess hall for breakfast.)

Speedy: (sarcastic) Gee, I wonder what delicious meal they'll be serving us this morning! Tofu flakes?

N: Ask and you shall receive!

(The waiter serves Speedy and Guido a bowl of tofu flakes with skim milk.)

Guido: (glaring at Speedy) Nice going, 'Daisy'!

Speedy: (ears flopping in disappointment) Since when did the writers ever listen to what I have to say? I was being a smartass, I didn't even know tofu flakes existed!

Guido: The next time your ass wants to get smart, tell it to take a hike would ya?

(Once Speedy and Guido finish their breakfast, they dash back to their room to make the call to Polly. As Guido dials the number for Polly's apartment, Speedy briskly searches through his luggage.)

Speedy: I swore I had an extra bag of potato chips hidden somewhere … damn it! You think those smelly soaps in the bathroom are edible?

Guido: (talking on the phone) Hey, Polly! It's us, how's it going? You still sick?

Polly: (from the other line) ACHOOOOOOOO!

(Guido holds the receiver far away, as if to protect himself from any possible telephone transmitted germs.)

Guido: (bringing the receiver back to his ear) Ask a stupid question …

Polly: I'm not that sick!

Guido: Yeah, and Speedy's not trying to eat soap right now.

Polly: What?

Speedy: (calling out from the bathroom) They're not edible!

Guido: Thanks for the tip! (Talking to Polly again) Nevermind. I'm calling because I need to ask you about the Big Cheese and what he was like when you went to his charm school. Was he ever …

(As Guido tries to think of the right word, Speedy calls out again … )

Speedy: Was he the reincarnation of Hitler?

Polly: Huh?

Guido: (talking over Speedy) Was he really bossy and militant? Like he made you do heaps of rigorous exercise and put you on a really strict diet and stuff?

Speedy: More like starving us to death!

Polly: (answering Guido) Well sure he was! He made us all dance with these iron shoes on our feet to build up our thigh muscles, and then he made me go through a series of dangerous booby traps! Thank goodness I perform all my own stunts.

Guido: And was he ever … kind of butch?

Polly: Butch? The Big Cheese? No. The Big Cheese is about as butch as Lucille. By the way, how's it going over there? You two boys fitting in? (She giggles)

Guido: Well our skirts haven't been blown yet, if that says anything. I'm 'Gianna Brown' and Speedy's 'Daisy MacGyver' …

Polly: (laughing) Ha ha, that's adorable! I wish I was there to see it. But Speedy's name sounds kind of fake.

Guido: That's what I said.

Polly: So what's with all the questions about the Big Cheese? Haven't you guys figured out what's going on?

Guido: Not as yet. I'm having doubts whether or not our Miss Ratina and the Big Cheese are the same character.

Speedy: (interrupting loudly) Yeah! Our Miss Ratina has the hots for Guido!

Polly: (who heard Speedy clearly this time) What! Is that true?

Guido: (sounding very disturbed) I fear deeply for my sanity.

Polly: Wait … if Miss Ratina's really a guy posing as a woman, and she's interested in you thinking you're a girl but you're actually a boy, what does that make Miss Ratina?

Guido: Confused.

Polly: I'll say! Look Guido, all you and Speedy have to do to solve this thing is find the robot. If you really are dealing with the Big Cheese, then there's always a robot hidden somewhere! Meanwhile, I'll talk to Big Al and see if he's got any new information from our end …

Guido: Cool, you do that. When you're feeling better.

Polly: (angered) But I AM feeling better! I – ACHOOOOOOOO!

Guido: Go to bed! And drink fluids.

Polly: You drink fluids!

(Polly hangs up on him.)

Guido: (hanging up, and calling out to Speedy) Polly sends her love!

Speedy: (spitting out a chunk of soap) Yeah right. So what did she say? Anything helpful?

Guido: Apart from saying 'achoo' a whole lot, she said we should search for a robot. Good advice, really! Considering the format of our show.

Speedy: Yeah, good plan. There's always a robot! I'm holding out for the one that launches bowls noodles as its primary weapon …

(Speedy's stomach grumbles at the thought of noodles. Suddenly, he gets an idea … )

Speedy: (looking longingly down at his chest) Hang on …

Guido: (realising what Speedy's thinking) Oh no, Daisy! Don't even go there.

Speedy: But they're milky!

Guido: You can't eat your own boobs!

Speedy: I'll give you the left one?

Guido: (disgusted) NO!

N: Puts a whole new spin on the term 'breast-feeding' …

(Back outside, on the field …

Miss Ratina has set up a number of wooden planks; each individually held up by stone walls. Each student stands before a plank, awaiting instructions.)

Miss Ratina: Today ladies, we're going to attempt to punch our fists through wood!

(All the girls gasp in disbelief and whisper amongst themselves. Speedy raises his hand.)

Miss Ratina: Yes, Miss MacGyver? Do you have some other health problem I don't know about?

Speedy: Miss Ratina, isn't punching our fists through wood a little … advanced?

(All the girls nod in agreement.)

Speedy: (continuing) I mean, when I was training to be a samurai –

Guido: (clearing his throat loudly) AHEM!

Speedy: (quickly correcting himself) Er, I mean! When I was training to be a … a lumberjack! We ah, we didn't have to chop wood until … second year.

(Guido gives Speedy a very harsh 'what the HELL are you talking about?' look.)

Miss Ratina: Fascinating as ever Daisy, thank you. Yes ladies punching wood with our fists is quite advanced, but considering certain events that took place last night, I think you all need a stern lesson in discipline! Now begin.

(Moans and groans of pain surface amongst the class, as everyone attempts to punch though their wooden plank with zero success.)

Speedy: (punching) Agh! That smarts! You know Guido, we could snap these things easy if we wanted to …

Guido: (sarcastic) Yeah, especially with all that 'lumberjack training' we've had. I can't believe you almost blew our cover! Again! Whatever you do, DON'T snap this wood. We're namby-pamby pollyannas with no martial arts experience whatsoever … (punching) … OUCH!

(Miss Ratina, who'd been circling the group to check on everyone's progress, has stopped in front of Lucille.)

Miss Ratina: Lucille sweetie, is there a problem?

Lucille: (eyes watering) Miss Ratina, please! I can't do this. It really hurts and it's chipping my nail polish!

Miss Ratina: You can do this, Lucille. Harness your energy, focus!

Lucille: (shaking her head) No, I want my stunt double!

Miss Ratina: You can do it!

Lucille: (hatch opening … ) NO I CAN'T!

(Speedy and Guido duck for cover.)

Speedy: HIT THE FLOOR!

Guido: THUNDERCATS ARE GO!

(To everyone's immense shock, Miss Ratina places her hand on Lucille's head and forces the hatch closed.)

Guido: Wha … what's Miss Ratina doing?

Speedy: (distressed) NO! Lucille will implode!

Miss Ratina: (keeping her hand firmly on Lucille's head, and speaking calmly) Lucille, listen to me. All the energy that's rushing to your head right now – use it. Send it to your fist, and punch!

Lucille: But –

Miss Ratina: PUNCH!

(Though reluctant, Lucille takes a deep breath and tries to concentrate. When feeling safe to do so, Miss Ratina removes her hand from Lucille's head. Everyone is silent; watching in awe. Taking another breath and focusing with all her strength, Lucille cries out at the top of her voice and smashes her wooden plank to smithereens.

More silence. Until Speedy says – )

Speedy: Holy mother of codfish, she did it!

(Everyone whoops for joy and applauds! Lucille is beside herself with happiness.)

Lucille: I did it! I did it!

(In the height of the moment, Speedy decides to smash his wooden plank as well.)

Speedy: (jumping up and down with vigour) I DID IT TOO! I DID IT TOO!

(Then Guido … )

Guido: (feigning surprise at his own ability) Well what do ya know, I did it too!

N: Because of Lucille's miraculous achievement, along with that of Speedy and Guido's (thanks to their top secret 'lumberjack' skills), the class is suddenly infused with renewed confidence. Not since a kung-fu movie marathon have you seen so much desecrated wood!

Faye: (destroying her wood) YAH!

May: YAH!

Honey: YAH!

Clover: YAH!

Saskia: YAH!

Tinka: YAH!

Bobbi: YAH!

Prudence: HIYAAAAAAAAH!

(Every single plank of wood has been obliterated. Speedy and Guido are startled, yet highly impressed. Miss Ratina is so proud she's weeping.)

Miss Ratina: (clapping) Bravo ladies, BRAVO! I've never witnessed such progress so soon from a beginner's class! Bravo!

N: As reward for their outstanding efforts, Miss Ratina decided to serve the girls a little extra food with their lunch –

Speedy: (blissful) WOO HOO!

N: – which essentially consisted of one added california roll and a salad with no dressing.

Speedy: (severely frustrated) WAAAH!

N: The next five days at Miss Ratina's self-defence course went by like a butt-kicking montage to the song 'I am Woman'! The girl's abilities exceeded expectations, and everyone was very happy. Speedy and Guido were happy too – SO happy in fact that they began to relish their roles as 'Daisy and Gianna', forgetting they were actually undercover Samurai Pizza Cats hunting down a robot. In the end they decided to remain as women; to give up their manhood permanently and audition for Sailor Moon …

Speedy, Guido: (interrupting angrily) SAILOR MOON!

N: That got their attention.

Speedy: We're not going to stay dressed as women permanently!

N: I'm just saying! It's Friday afternoon and neither of you have bothered to do what you were originally assigned. You've been too preoccupied bonding with the womenfolk. Discussing spray tans and Zac Efron! It's embarrassing! Why do you think we stopped filming you until now?

Guido: He's got a point.

Speedy: We only talked about Zac Efron once!

N: Yeah, for two hours! While Speedy and Guido get overly in touch with their feminine side, Polly has recovered from her illness – for real, this time. She returns to the Emporium in bright spirits …

Polly: Morning, Francine! How's tricks?

Francine: (hurrying over to Polly on crutches) Oh Polly! Thank goodness you're here. We have a serious problem!

Polly: Already?

(Meowsma appears on the scene with a large plunger in his hand.)

Fran: (turning to Meowsma) Any luck?

Meowsma: Nope. Stuck as ever I'm afraid.

Fran: (stressed) Oh!

Polly: What's going on? Is our toilet blocked again?

Fran: I tried to blast off General Catton about an hour ago, to make a delivery downtown except he … got stuck.

Polly: (shocked) In the Cat-apult?

Meowsma: I've been telling him to watch his waistline …

(Polly and Meowsma go outside, to stare up at the Cat-apult. They see General Catton stuck halfway inside the opening, from the waist down.)

General Catton: (waving and yelling down to his comrades) HEY GUYS!

Polly: (waving and yelling back) HEY GENERAL! WE'LL TRY AND GET YOU OUT IN A JIFFY, JUST HOLD TIGHT!

N: Holding tight doesn't appear to be his problem.

Meowsma: (speaking to Polly) At least it's the afternoon. We'll be closing shortly, and then we can concentrate on fishing him out.

Polly: Only something like this would happen on our show …

(Near by … )

Junior: (pointing up to the Cat-apult) Hey mom, how many hamburgers do you think Mr. Catton had to eat to get stuck in the Cat-apult?

Mama-sun: I don't know Junior, but I guess whoever said his ass spanned three cast members wasn't kidding.

Junior: I thought that rumour was about you?

N: It was, I started it.

Mama-sun: (turning to the screen, hands on hips) Hey!

N: Er, or was that Speedy who started it? Anyway! After going back inside, Polly excuses herself to make a call to Big Al at the Palace …

Big Al: (on the other line) Big Al speaking?

Polly: Hiya Al, it's Polly here.

Al: Polly! How are you feeling? Have you recovered?

Polly: Pft! Like I was that sick to begin with! Anyway, I was just calling to see if you'd heard anything from Speedy and Guido?

Al: Not a peep. I assume they're still trying to crack the case.

Polly: Really? You haven't heard word from them at all? Because I spoke to Guido on Tuesday and he said he was worried that maybe Miss Ratina wasn't really the Big Cheese in disguise …

Al: That's preposterous! Of course Miss Ratina is the Big Cheese in disguise! As if I'd make an error of judgement like that –

Big Cheese: (entering Big Al's quarters) YOO HOO!

Polly: Who's there? Did I hear someone?

Al: (panicking) Nobody! Nothing … my mother-in-law. I'll call you back!

(Big Al hangs up on Polly.)

Al: (indignant) What the devil are you doing here!

(The Big Cheese, standing with Jerry Attric, Bad Bird and some ninja crows, are all smiling and wearing tropical shirts.)

BC: Hmph! Greetings to you too grumpy guts. We just got back from Bora Bora!

Al: BORA BORA!

Jerry: Cheesy learnt to play the ukulele!

BC: It's true, it's true! Yet another one of my many prodigious talents. Here, have a listen …

Bad Bird: (rolling his eyes) Here we go …

BC: (pulling out a ukulele from behind his back and beginning to sing … ) "Running wild, lost control! Running wild, mighty bold! Feeling GAY – "

Al: (shouting over him) THAT'S ENOUGH OF THAT!

BB: I agree. I've been listening to it non-stop on the plane ride home!

BC: There's nothing wrong with a little in-flight entertainment!

BB: The captain had to come out of the cockpit to tell you to shut up and take your seat!

BC: Ha ha! You said "cockpit" …

Al: Wait a second! Didn't you say you'd be gone for a week?

Jerry: That was the plan, but the weather report said there was a hurricane approaching so we had to leave early.

BC: A shame, too. Saturday was limbo night at our hotel …

Al: But … but you're not supposed to be in Bora Bora! Or here! You're supposed to be in the suburbs, teaching young girls self-defence!

BC: (baffled) Teaching self-defence to girls in the suburbs? Ha! That sounds more like my twin sister …

Al: (eyes popping in surprise) Twin sister! You have a twin sister?

BC: Yes, I have a twin sister! Her name is Selma.

Al: SELMA!

BC: Is there an echo in here?

Al: As in Selma H. Ratina?

BC: I don't want to talk about my sister, Al! I can't stand that infernal woman! We've never been close. Not since …

Al: Since … when?

BC: Christmas Day 1960, if you must know ... (becoming visibly upset) … we were four years old, and Santa Claus did NOT buy me the original Fashion Teen Model Barbie like I had asked for. Instead, he bought it for her! Selma! Because she's a 'GIRL'! Can you believe that?

(The Big Cheese begins sobbing. Bad Bird rolls his eyes again, as Jerry goes to comfort his boss.)

BC: (wailing) Selma got Fashion Teen Model Barbie, and I got … (sniff) … I got a toy fighter jet! What's a boy supposed to do with a damn fighter jet!

Jerry: (patting the Big Cheese on the back) There there. We don't always get what we want for Christmas …

BC: (quickly recovering) Well, in the end my sister and I just swapped! It was only natural. Selma's always been into that kind of thing … she wanted to join the army when we were teenagers. I wanted to go into musical theatre!

BB: Shock horror.

BC: Now she's a self-defence teacher, helping women empower themselves and whatnot. And I'm Prime Minister! Out to conquer Little Tokyo and ultimately empower myself.

Al: No no no NO!

BC: (baffled further) What do you mean 'no'?

Jerry: Yeah! He's up himself, what do you expect?

Al: NO! I mean I thought the Big Cheese was posing as Selma H. Ratina! I thought the self-defence course had something to do with one of his evil schemes. I thought maybe you were all going to take the girls hostage and then use it against the Pizza Cats!

BC: (intrigued) Hmm … take a bunch of innocent girls hostage you say? What a fabulous idea! And I thought I was going to be bored this weekend.

Al: Oh crap …

N: At last! We have a PLOT!

(Big Al makes an urgent transmission to the Pizza Parlour … )

Polly, Fran: (standing in front of the intercom screen) What's up, Big Al?

Al: I made a boo boo.

Fran: Not on the rug again?

Al: I'm talking about the Big Cheese! It turns out he was actually vacationing in Bora Bora this week, and Selma H. Ratina is his estranged twin sister!

Fran: (shocked) Wow! The Big Cheese has a twin?

Polly: As if one of him wasn't bad enough. So is the Big Cheese's sister just evil as he is?

Al: Apparently not. She's a legitimate self-defence teacher.

Polly: So what you're saying is, Guido was right for once and the girls doing the self-defence course were never really in danger to begin with?

Al: It would appear that way, yes. However! The Big Cheese came back early from his holiday and overheard me mention the scenario where he takes the girls hostage and uses them against the Pizza Cats. The idea went to his head and so now he's gone over there to do just that.

Polly: (unimpressed) Yep, it's a boo boo all right.

Fran: (equally unimpressed) A big one.

Al: Polly, are you up for a rescue mission?

Polly: Sure, but how am I supposed to get suited up and blast off? General Catton's still stuck in the Cat-apult!

Al: Then it's time for plan B. Francine?

Fran: (who understands what 'plan B' signifies) Rodger that, Big Al!

Polly: Someone mind telling me what plan B is?

Fran: A pink motorcycle and matching tracksuit ensemble!

Polly: (totally confused) What?

Fran: Don't you remember, Polly? The writers are spoofing 'Kill Bill' this episode.

Polly: I thought we were spoofing 'Some Like it Hot'?

Fran: That and 'Kill Bill'! You're going to motorcycle your way to the 'House of Blue Shrubs' where the Big Cheese is going to take Speedy, Guido and the other girls hostage. Then you're going to defeat him and his ninja cronies in a choreographed samurai sword showdown!

Polly: I … am?

Fran: (frustrated) Oh for Pete's sake! Am I the only one reading the script around here?

N: Apparently. Does Polly even know how to ride a motorcycle? I guess it doesn't matter at this point.

(We suddenly see Polly outside the Emporium, wearing a pink leather racing outfit over a pink tracksuit. With her matching pink helmet in hand, she swings her leg over the motorcycle and waves up to Francine standing on the veranda.)

Polly: Bye Francine! Doesn't this outfit make me look hot?

Fran: (waving back) It's less trampy then the last one!

Polly: (who didn't quite hear her) What was that?

Fran: I said SUPER SEXY!

Polly: Oh … (waving up to General Catton) … BYE GENERAL!

Catton: BYE POLLY, GOOD LUCK! (Now calling to Francine) SAY FRAN, DID YOU CALL ME SEXY?

Fran: AS IF!

To be continued ...