Darling Kate
It hurts. I've lost track of the number of nights I've spent sat here by the window, basking in the tender bite of the crisp night. There's a blanket around my shoulders, but it's there as a feeble attempt at comfort rather than any hope of warmth.
I have a playlist on my IPod for these occasions. More often than not I spend all night listening to it. I sit until the sun comes up. Alexis has found me here a couple of times.
The raw and unashamed heartache on her face every time she sees I've spent the night here again is a relief. Feeling something. It means I can feel something.
I'm empty. It's all gone Kate. All of it. My inspiration. My appreciation for the world around me. I'd rather be hurting than feel like this. But that's what I can't do. Feel.
I want to hurt. I want to cry. I want to be mad. I want to be, but I can't. I could sit here until the end of time Kate. Just sit and stare all day.
I'm hurting my daughter, but I can't see her. I'm in a vast cavern. It took me when my back was turned. It took me, and it has me, and it's a welcome relief. In here, I can't see the pain in people's eyes when they look at me. In here, I can't see how I disappoint everyone.
It's been a long time since I wrote to you last. I talk to you in my head every day, of course, but I haven't felt the need to write my thoughts down for some time now. Alexis saw me writing to you on your birthday. She told me it wasn't healthy, I had to let it go. But I couldn't. So now I'll see something and I'll think Kate,didyouseethat? Or I'll just talk to you when I'm hurting. I haven't told anyone. They would try to make me stop. But I can't. It hurts too much to stop.
So why am I writing now? Alexis is getting married. Married, Kate. She's been dating this guy for a few years now. I like him, I guess, as much as a father can like the other man in his daughter's life. I'm happy for them. But God, it hurts Kate.
Every time she shows me a dress, I picture you in it. Every time she asks me about food, I wonder if you would have liked it. I'm trying to be there for my baby girl, to be excited about her wedding, but all I can think about is our wedding. It's arrogant I know, assuming that you would ever have looked twice at me romantically, let alone agreed to become Mrs Castle.
I remember when we were working that case that involved my friend Damien, so long ago now. You came in and said 'Detective Kate', but then you saw me and said 'Castle.' I hear your voice saying those three words over and over in a loop sometimes. DetectiveKateCastle.It has a nice ring to it, I think.
You would have kept your name as Beckett at work though. But I would have forced you to take my name if I'd had to. Everything about our wedding and our lives could be at your discretion, but I would have needed you to be Kate Castle.
Not that it matters anymore.
I miss you, but it's more than that. I miss the future we never got to build. I think of all the time we wasted and it's a raw kind of ache that both burns slowly and slices uncontrollably.
I bet you think I'm being utterly ridiculous. It's not like I ever had you, to be able to miss you properly. But I love you so much that I think its worse that I never got to have you. I don't get to have the memories of our time together as a couple, because we never had that time.
I'm so glad that Alexis found the love of her life and had the sense to tell him, to hold him close. I hope she never lets him go. She's learned from my mistakes, and that is the only comfort I can draw from this.
I envy her. I try to tell myself not to. It's wrong to envy your daughter's happiness I know. But she's got her whole life ahead of her, and most of mine is behind me. Smouldering remains at my feet.
I love you Kate. I wasted so much time. I should have told you in the freezer. In front of the bomb. In LA. After we kissed. When you shot your mom's killer. When I saved you from your burning apartment. When I asked you to go to the Hamptons. When I came back after the most painful summer of my life. After you saved me from the triple killer.
I'm telling you now. I know it's not enough, but it's all I have.
I love you
Rick
