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How To Climb a Tree At Speed When You Are Being Pursued, and Wearing Your Shinigami's Uniform

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There was a time when playing pranks on senior members of the Seireitei was regarded as being the most daring thing one could do. Some of the tricks people played when I was there were so genius that they have survived the ages (one thinks of the 'super gluing the captain to his desk' scenario. Timeless)

But whilst pranksters in general were viewed as the heroes, the saviours of the mundane, there were those who were revered with an almost God-like status. I am proud to say I eventually became one of those fabled few; known as the People Who Played Pranks and Got Away With It.

Initially, whilst attempting to make a name for myself in the prankster world, I suffered quite a bit for my art. There was one time I remember particularly, during which I put a live bumblebee in a fortune cookie belonging to our division's lieutenant. I won't go into the fiddly details about how I got the thing in there (it required very thick gardening gloves, and a bottle of industrial strength vodka), because what is important is what happened next.

For reasons I still can't fathom, rather than cracking open the cookie like a normal person, getting scared by the bee and then reading the humorous note, signed by me, the man proceeded to stuff the whole cookie into his mouth. And bite down.

I suspect the swearing could be heard for miles. Needless to say, he wasn't amused. Having spat out the bee and cookie, he discovered the note – cleverly signed with my own name (possibly not the best idea, looking back).

After being gamely warned by a friend that our lieutenant was after my blood, I decided that the best thing to do was hide. Rather unfortunately, I ran into him as I was searching for a good spot. I couldn't tell what he was saying, due to the fact his mouth was so swollen (how was I to know he was allergic to bee stings?) but it was obvious I was in trouble.

Getting to the point, in the process of escaping I climbed a tree for the first time in my life. In hindsight, I should have practised beforehand, but I wasn't expecting to be running for my life. Needless to say, I was caught, and 'got what I deserved' as he put it. Later pranks I played on him went much better, partly because I had my tree-climbing down to 11 seconds. Here's how to do it in a rush.

Required:

A tree. This method can be used on any tree, but it is best to use one with lots of branches to provide optimum cover.

A bottle of whisky.

How to do it:

Get a good run up. If you are being chased by a fat howling lieutenant, all the better. You will be running faster.

Next thing to sort out is the uniform. When refining my technique, I discovered it's best to just get rid of all lower body clothing. However, my next run in with the lieutenant proved that removing clothing whilst running is a bit of a job – have you tried it? So after much experimenting I discovered it is relatively easily to tuck clothing in whilst running. It may slow you down a little, but as long as you're faster than the pursuer, you'll be fine.

When you are about 3 metres from the tree, jump. Your aim is to land with one foot on the truck of the tree, about half a metre up (higher if the branches are far above you). Your other foot should have landed on the ground behind you.

Using the foot on the ground, push off hard. Use the foot on the tree to create friction, propelling you upwards with more force (note – the first time I tried this, I broke my foot. It's probably best to practise with a friend)

Grab the branches nearest to you and haul yourself up, swinging up your feet to avoid being spotted.

Wait for 1 – 2 hours, longer if possible. It may be wise to take a newspaper or some other form of entertainment.

When you get down, have some of the whisky. You deserve it.

If you can do it fast enough, you can appear to have completely disappeared. The effect is somewhat ruined if you are spotted climbing the tree. That just gives the game away.


so, how is it? anyone have any ideas they'd like to go in the book? please leave me a review! i really need them XD

xxx