Special Agent Kensi Blye does not remember how she got into the back of Callen's truck, or how long she was in it or even where it was that it took her too. All she knows is that eventually they stop and she knows she has to get out. Special Agent Blye knows that she must get to her partner as soon as possible because he was in danger and alone, two things her partner should never be. Callen and Sam were the first two exit the vehicle and they quickly navigated the landscape of an abandoned warehouse, looking for anyway to get into the large structure.

"This is where Eric tracked the phone's signal." Callen assured his partner as they continued to search.

"Spread out." Sam advised them, drawing his gun when he moved away from them. He signaled for the S.W.A.T team behind them to fan out and they silently followed his lead. There were several minutes of tense stillness and the only thing that went through Kensi's brain was the sound of a gunshot coming from the other end of the phone line. It rang in her brain over and over again until it was one continuous noise that kept every other intelligible thought at bay. All she could do is mechanically fall back on her instincts and let them lead her through the actions required of her.

"East side of the building." Callen's voice muttered through the earpiece she wore and the entire S.W.A.T. team marched as directed, executing the raid with perfect precision. Kensi followed behind, branching off on her own to clear a small office that sat in a far corner of the warehouse. She leveled her firearm and allowed adrenaline to fuel her actions. While she checked every nook and cranny of the dusty room, she heard several gunshots go off and an exchange of shouts from her LAPD counterparts. She instinctively found cover until she felt confident enough to step out and provide backup for whatever was happening in the rest of the building. It was not long before the suspects were overpowered and taken into custody.

"We have five males detained, two are injured. We're going to need an ambulance here." The team commander reported, several minutes after the gunfire stopped. "Otherwise it's all clear."

"What about Detective Deeks?" She asked, navigating her way through the building, desperately searching.

"Kensi…" The remorse in Callen's voice was enough to knock the wind out of her. What had they found? Where was her partner? She did not have to wait long before her questions were answered.

Special Agent Kensi Blye was not one for hysterics but when she saw the long, lanky form layed out on the floor topped with blond, unkempt hair and the red red stain of blood all around it, she could not help the way she reacted. She dropped the handgun she carried on the ground, wanting nothing to impend her from reaching her partner. But there are some things that cannot be helped. Before she could reach him, the overpowering form of Sam Hanna blocked her way. He grabbed her around her waist, turning her away from the scene that unveiled itself in front of them, literally lifting her off of the ground so that she could not immediately fight against him. Agent Blye was not one for hysterics but there were times when there was no other way to respond.

"Let go of me Sam." She cried flailing her arms and legs in front of her. "Let go!"

" No Kensi," He spoke softly in her ear. "You don't need to see that."

"Yes I do! Let go of me!" Kensi's voice rose as her movements became more violent and frantic. She thought of nothing else but to get away from Sam's grip until Callen came into her line of vision. He bravely stepped in front of her and caught both of her arms, holding them tightly between them until she had no choice but to stop struggling. "I need to be with him." Her voice cracked, suddenly sounding like a small, vulnerable child.

"Not right now." Callen said gently, releasing his hold on her arms. "There is nothing you can do for him." Kensi felt like she was going to be sick, as if her body wanted to physically reject the words that had just been said.

"He's…he's…" She could string the words together to ask the question she already knew the answer to.

"He's gone Kensi." Callen said, lifting a hand to her cheek. "Deeks is dead."

"How?" She choked on the tears that had begun to fall.

"A shot to his chest, he would have died almost immediately." Callen managed to keep his voice even.

"He was alone." Kensi mumbled. "I wasn't there for him and he was all alone."

"This isn't your fault Kens." Sam spoke up. "Deeks was doing his job."

"Alone." She ignored his words as she continued to mutter to herself until her body violently caved and she knew she was going to be sick. She tore herself away from the pair of arms that still held her, meeting no resistance this time, and sprinted toward an open door. She fell to her knees just outside of the dimly lit depot and emptied the contents of her stomach on the ground. All control was taken from her as her whole body shook with each heave. Eventually she was able find her footing long enough to move several steps away from the mess and collapse once more. This time she did not bother to try and move she could stay here forever for all she cared; there was nowhere else to be. Some part of her was aware of her surroundings, the arrival of ambulances and more officers of the LAPD. Kensi did not realize how cold she had become until someone placed a thick blanket around her shoulders. When several hands lifted her back on her feet, she knew to step one foot in front of the other until she was sitting again, probably on the back of one of the ambulances.

"She's in shock." Someone reported.

"How long has she been like this?" Another asked.

"Over an hour."

"We need her statement on what happened before they found the body." The words stuck enough for her to comprehend them before they went through one ear and out the other. Before the found the body. That was what he was now, just a body.

"Don't say that." Kensi's voice startled the paramedic and LAPD officer that had been conversing in front of her.

"What was that?" The officer asked.

"He's not a body." She said carefully. "He is Detective Marty Deeks, liaison at NCIS for the LAPD. He is not a body."

"I am sorry ma'am." The young officer said. "I just need your statement about what happened before you found the – Detective Deeks." Kensi was ready to slip back into her universe of ignorance, leaving the intolerant officer's questions unanswered until they were joined by Assistant Director Granger.

"She will not be giving you a statement." He told the man without any introduction. "She is with NCIS." He said it as if that was all the explanation the officer would need.

"But—"

"Leave." Granger interrupted anymore argument, the single word said with such command that the other man had no choice but to do as he said.

"Agent Blye, I am sorry for the loss of your partner." Granger turned his attention to Kensi. "I know that you and Detective Deeks got along well." Kensi felt anger begin to rise at the Assistant Director's words.

"He was here because of you." She breathed, her vision came into focus as the fog cleared from her thoughts.

"Excuse me?"

"He was here without backup because of you." She said a bit louder.

"I think you should remember who it is you are talking to Agent Blye." Granger said, his own anger clearly rising.

"He was put at risk because of you." She continued, ignoring his warning. "He died here, alone, because of you." Her voice had risen to a shout so that everyone in near proximity could hear her words.

"Stand down Agent." He articulated each word.

"You sent him on a suicide mission. On what, a hunch?" She hollered. "It was no secret you hated him. Did you think was the most disposable, someone you could do without if the worst was to happen?"

"I'm putting you on suspension." He said. "You have stepped out of line agent."

"You will do no such thing." Hetty's voice surprised both of them. She stepped from behind Granger to reveal herself.

"You have no say in this Hetty." Granger spat.

"Agent Blye is under my supervision and say when and when she is not allowed at work." Hetty held her ground. "She will becoming with me to the Boat Shed where she will be debriefed on the case Detective Deeks was working on and where she will give her official statement." She motioned to Callen and Sam to come forward and together they escorted their shaken teammate back toward the truck. Hetty boldly ignored any opposition the director had to her plan and found her way to her own car to follow her agents.

When the car stopped it was no at the Boat Shed like Hetty had said, but back at the Mission. "I thought we were going to the docks?" Kensi asked.

"Hetty thought a drive in LA traffic would do Granger some good while we regrouped here." Callen explained while Sam opened the door for Kensi and helped her out of the truck. Kensi was sure she would have found the statement funny at any other time than right then, instead just followed closely behind the two men into the familiar surroundings of the Mission. As soon as they entered the open common area, Kensi could feel the solemn atmosphere all around them. She saw tearful and somber employees everywhere she looked and for some reason that bothered her. When she saw Eric at the top of the stairs, tightly holding a tearful Nell against him, she had enough. Kensi wanted to be anywhere but there, the feeling was overwhelming but so was the exhaustion that took over everyone of her limbs. Instead of leaving, she collapsed on the couch burying her head in the collection of pillows gathered there and allowed her tired eyes to close and her tired mind to wonder to her universe of ignorance and quiet.

Special Agent Kensi Blye was not one to evade a problem, to allow herself to completely ignore the situation and move on from the problem. But there were times when she could do nothing else. This was one of those times, when Kensi woke up alone to a dimly lit Mission, she knew that was exactly what she had done. And for moment she could not remember why she would do something like that, she only remembered the desperate need to separate herself from everything else. Then the events of the day came rushing back to her like a load of bricks and once more the air was knocked out of her lungs to the point that she could not catch her breath for several minutes. When she was finally able to compose herself somewhat, Kensi noticed the small outline of standing in the shadows watching over her.

"Hetty?" Kensi croaked and the petite woman stepped forward to where she could be seen.

"Yes dear?" She said, taking slow steps toward the agent.

"I don't know what to do."

"About what dear?"

"I'm forgetting him." Kensi panicked. "I don't remember what the last thing was that I said to him before he left."

"It is nothing to be alarmed about." Hetty assured her as she sat next to her on the sofa. "It is your mind's way of dealing with such a loss, it will all come back to you in time."

"I want to remember everything." Her voice broke.

"Would you like me to remind you of the last time you two stood in this room together?"

"Please."

"You were both standing over there," Hetty pointed toward the lockers. "Trying to look casual but you should know you were fooling no one. He leaned over and said something to you that made you smile they way only he could make you smile." Kensi closed her eyes as she let the memory unfold in her mind.

"One last case and then it is just you and me and the NCIS." He reminded her of his impending initiation as an official agent.

"'Can't wait." She offered him a small smile at the reminder.

"I'll see you soon." He surprised her by quickly leaning forward and planting a soft kiss on her cheek. "But not soon enough."

"If there is one thing you must remember Kensi Blye, it is that you were loved and cherished beyond all doubt and so was he in return." Hetty gently said as she led Kensi's head down to her lap where she tenderly stroked the younger woman's hair.

Special Agent Kensi Blye was not one to evade a situation, to ignore the headache and heartbreak. But there were some situations, she came to learn, that you have no choice in as was such was the case when overpowering sobs shook her entire frame, as endless tears stained the pants that belonged to the woman she thought of as a surrogate mother and she wept for the one that meant the most to her, that she could never feel again. Love is not fully felt until it is lost.

A/N: I apologize to anyone I may have traumatized with this story. I love love love Deeks and would never wish any sort of harm to come to him. Thank you so much for the feedback and following this story despite the depression that may come with it , it means the world to me.