AN: So sorry for the long wait! My personal life was so hectic and I needed a break. Here's the third chapter.
Disclaimer: So I forgot about the disclaimer for the past two chapters. But, here it is: I do not own Twilight. This is just me borrowing the characters for my own enjoyment.
Chapter Song – Going Underby Evanescence
I open my eyes as the plane begins its descent. Wiping the sleep from my eyes, I glance out the window and see the ground gradually grow larger beneath me.
Soon, the plane lands and I walk out with my carry-on in hand. Grabbing my luggage of the conveyor belt, I make my way to the front of the airport. Sitting on a bench outside, I take out my cell phone and call the taxi service. When the taxi arrives I ask him to drive me to the nearest hotel. The drive there is quiet, but the driver isn't having it. He goes on to tell me that the city has been his childhood home and that he doesn't plan on leaving anytime soon. Then he asks me what brought me here. Well I like to think it was Trevor that brought me to move to the other side of the country. But not wanting the driver to try to figure out why Trevor Caldwell would cause such a drastic move, I don't say anything. Persistent, the driver asks again.
"I needed a change." That's a broad enough answer. He didn't need to know that the change was from my abusive husband. 'Hopefully ex-husband soon' I think to myself.
By now, we've arrived at the hotel. Retrieving my luggage from the taxi, I pay the driver and check myself into the hotel. After grabbing my room card from the counter, I head to the elevator, rolling my suitcase behind me. Arriving at my room, I place the card into the slot and open the door.
Closing the door behind me, I glance around the suite. The suite is nice: beige in color a small kitchen with a table for two. Across the room is a medium-sized couch with a TV in front of it. There's a door leading to the bathroom, and on the other side of the bathroom, there's a door that leads to the bedroom. A king-sized bed with green covers lies in the middle. There's a TV in the corner and a closet across from the bed. I walk across the room and towards the open window. Looking down at the view beneath me, I see the scenery behind the hotel. There's a pond in the middle with benches on the edges. Trees are scattered around the pond. The sight is absolutely breathtaking. Yet, my mind is not focused on the scenery.
It's clouded with images of everything that's been done to me. How he meticulously broke me down until there was nothing left. He took it all, everything from my self-esteem to my virginity, and destroyed it. I trusted him but he still played me to his will.
To him, I was home. No matter what he did and how much he changed, I was always there and that gave him a sense of belonging. He knew that I'd always be waiting for him when he got out of work. I don't know if Trevor deluded himself into thinking that by giving me so much of his emotions, whether it be lust, rage or disgust, he proved that he still loved me or if he even loved me at all. All I know was that whenever I mentioned leaving him or started fighting against his hold over me, there was this wild desperation in his eyes. The kiss that always followed was forceful, painful and possessive, yet there was always this underlying tone of vulnerability and terror. It was as if he wouldn't function without me or as if he was scared at the thought of being emotionally alone. He could get as much sex as he wanted, but nobody would give him what I gave him. I devoted eight years of my life to him. I was married to him for six years. I loved him whole-heartedly and I knew him inside-out. Whenever his father was on his case or he would screw up, I was there. I helped him get himself back together and I made sure he was stable. He loved me. I know he did. I was his everything…I know I was.
I didn't realize that I was on the ground at this point. My back was against the wall and my knees were against my chest. I could feel tears stinging my eyes but I refused to let them fall, especially now that I was sure that he was going to fall apart without me. He'll be out of control until he gets what he claimed as his and nothing is going to keep him from getting to me. What he'll do when he finds me, I don't know and neither will I ever be able to comprehend why he did what he did to me.
All I know was that I couldn't take it anymore. I had enough of it all: the rape, the beatings, the verbal and physical abuse. I had had enough with having him making me feel like I deserved what I was getting. The worst part of it all was that there were times that I believed I was getting what I deserved. Sometimes, I yearned for him to beat me, just so that he would pay attention to me. On the off day that he would break down in front of me, I held in my arms a different man than I was used to receiving. I would take care of him and he would hold me in his arms like I was the one thing that kept him alive. He would look at me with love and adoration shining in those cerulean eyes of his and then he would whisper in my ear that he loved me and that he didn't know what he would do without me. And then he'd kiss me.
The kiss differed greatly than the ones he would normally give me. It was one of pure love. His hand would cup my face while my hands wound around his neck. And then I would remember our last kiss and I'd push him away in terror. I'd close my eyes and replay each of those moments in which he raped me. Trevor would ask me what was wrong as he slowly came closer to me and I'd scream at him to stop. I'd open my eyes to see him in front of me with understanding in his eyes.
"Isabella, I'm sorry. You don't know how much you're screams have haunted me…the look of terror in your eyes as I…You have to understand that-"
"I don't have to understand anything! You say this every single time! Every single time Trevor! How you have to remind me that I'm yours and that I can't leave you. How you do it all because you love me and can't stand to see me walk away from you. I know that when you proposed to me, you said you'd do anything to keep me by your side. I didn't think that it meant you'd constantly rape me and beat me. Tearing me down so that I'd have no choice to stay by you. No matter how screwed up you are."
"I am not screwed up! I love you! No matter what I do to you, I love you! And I meant it when I said I was going to do anything to keep you by my side. I love you! You have to believe that," he said, advancing on me.
"I'd never have thought about leaving if you hadn't treated me like this Trevor. But I have to leave for my sanity. As much as every single cell in my body begs me to go you, to take you in my arms and love you-"
"Well, why don't you? I need you, Isabella! I make you happy, don't I?"
"You make me happy when you're like this! When I see the boy I fell in love with in high school. Not the man I married. I don't want to leave, I really don't. But I can't take this anymore Trevor. You've almost broken me and if I stay here any longer, I will lose myself. I have to leave Trevor. If you care you-"
The look in his eyes stopped me. They clouded over and became a dark blue. I knew what was coming and ran to the bathroom. A hand shot out to grab me around my stomach. He slammed me against the wall, attacking my mouth with his. As usual, his kiss took on a possessive tone. I struggled, knowing it was useless. His kisses moved down to my neck and I was sure they would leave marks there.
"You're" kiss "never" kiss "going" moan "leave" hands lift my shirt over my head "me."
I don't know how we got to the bed. I learned by now just to let him ride out his emotions and try to ignore the pain.
He takes me and marks me as his over and over, while I plead and beg with him to stop. "Mine…always mine." he claims over and over again. When he feels that his dominance has been established, he turns gentle. He begins murmuring words of consolation, caressing my body, kissing away the tears that are steadily falling down my face. A minute ago, he was brutally asserting his control over me and now he is treating me like a breakable doll.
By the time I've stopped crying, he's already started running a bath. As he carries me to the bathtub, one look in his eyes and I've seen that they've turned into the cerulean blue that I've fallen in love with. He gently puts me into the tub and gets in behind me. His hands start washing my hair and then my body, occasionally leaving kisses in his path. He tells me to relax and that he'll take care of me. It scares me how he can completely change his emotions with a simple action.
Now he's in front of me, caressing my face. I touch his check, astounded at the change that has just occurred. He leans into my touch, knowing that he's won me over. I start washing his hair, and he keeps his eyes on my face. I feel like I'm doing all the actions on auto-pilot, considering the fact that my mind is on something else. He leans in to kiss me. I let him. And he knows that all is forgiven until next time.
I stand up, heading to take a shower myself. Like my memory, my actions are on auto-pilot. My mind is on what I was feeling while I took my revenge. Rage, gratification and pleasure being the most prominent emotions that coursed through me at the time. I know that although what I did to Trevor was justice and less than what he deserved; when it comes down to it, it was wrong. It's even more wrong that I want to go back and do it all over again and make the experience even more painful. None of his pain will ever compare to mine. It was all purely physical and even if it does leave an emotional toll on him, it won't be as horrible as mine is.
I get out of the shower and wrap a towel around my body. The mirror on the other side of the room catches my eye, yet I try my hardest to not look in it. I don't want to see what's left of me just so that I can once again compare it to what I once was. I honestly don't know what to do with myself at this point in my life. I didn't have a grandiose plan ready when I left. I'm in a foreign city and I don't know anybody. My closest family member is in Washington and I haven't talked to my father in five years. I cut off all contact with him at Trevor's demand and I don't know how he'd take to me showing up when I'm supposed to be living in New York with my husband. Besides, I have fresh bruises and stitches that I wouldn't be able to explain and with my father being a cop, he'd find out things eventually.
I'm been beaten and now I'm broken. Plain and simple. I fooled myself into thinking that I had changed. The girl that talked to Dean and took the flight from New York isn't real. She was the last resort I had to stop myself from recognizing that I'm broken. By acting like what I want to be, I deluded myself into thinking that I was actually her. How am I supposed to build myself up? What am I supposed to do? I hadn't really thought it all through when I left New York. I need a job and a place to live.
But, I'm not stable. I know I'm not stable. Proof of that lies in New York and is probably on a hospital bed by now. Any little thing can knock me down and I don't know what my reaction to it would be.
As I open my suitcase to find my pajamas, I realize that I'm not going to be able to do it alone. What's happened to me isn't something that someone could forget on sheer will. And I refuse to start my new life as an emotionally unstable woman. I'm going to forget all about Trevor Caldwell for now and focus on myself. He has family that'll make him forget all about me and I'm on my own. Although I'm still not sure how he'll take the news to me leaving or if he'll even sign the divorce papers that will set me free. Now that I put it that way, he won't sign them. Great, how did I not think about that? Physically, I'm free, yet legally, he still has a hold over me.
I suspect his recovery time to be from two to three months. Dean won't dare mention anything about my leaving to him until he's better. And when he knows that I'm gone, that his family let me just walk out on him, he's going to be mad. But enough about him, I don't have to worry about any of the Caldwells for at least three months. That should be enough for me to find a job and a place to live.
Finding my favorite blue pajamas, I put them on and get into bed. I turn off the light on the nightstand and the room goes dark.
Tomorrow I'll find a place to live and start looking for a job. Hopefully, my master's degree in linguistics will do some good. It won't be that hard to find a place to live with my bank account. And in a city as big as this one, it won't be that hard finding a job…hopefully. I'll settle for anything really, even something outside my area of expertise. I just need a steady income and the money that I transferred into my bank account a week ago will let me buy furniture and settle all the beginning expenses. I'll even hire an interior designer to go through all that tedious stuff that goes into getting a house ready. I won't have the patience to go through it alone and maybe that person will help me get started in Los Angeles.
It won't be hard to physically start over. It's the mental process that worries me. But, I know that I'll get through it. The only thing that worries me is how long it'll take. I need to be ready when he comes looking for me. Because if it's one thing I'm sure of, it's that he won't let me go. I've learned that little piece of information throughout the past six years.
With my plan ready for tomorrow, I close my eyes and go to sleep.
So, I originally planned on introducing the Cullens in the chapter, or at least one of them, but I figured that Bella needed to come to terms with everything that happened to her. But, hopefully, you figured out that I plan on introducing one Cullen in the next chapter and you know who it'll be. I'm writing the chapters as I go so bare with me please. Hopefully the next one will be up on Friday. Review please! Tell me your thoughts!
