I always thought Maria let our Captain off just a bit too easy...I think she's going to make him sweat a bit. She's one of the few people who could make him squirm...
Chapter Three
An ugly cry, that's what Sister Margaretta would call this. These were no delicate tears that glisten on eyelashes and then fall in a graceful track. She was sure the baroness would cry beautifully...or at least have a handkerchief at the ready, French linen and monogrammed.
Maria was a mess of gut wrenching sobs and hiccuping and splotchy cheeks. Curled into herself on the floor of her room Maria was certain her breastbone had splintered when her heart had broken and that was the reason for the devastating pains she felt where her heart used to be.
Engaged.
To be married.
To her.
Out on the terrace when he had touched her cheek she had felt such hope swell within her. Certain he was going to declare himself, say all the things she had secretly dreamed of hearing him whisper to her, take her in his arms and...never once had Elsa Schrader waltzed in during her imaginings. She reached up to rub at her cheek which was still tingling from his touch. Recalling the look on his face as he had brushed her skin, the same he had worn as he had held her close during the last strains of the Laendler. Always always their eyes seemed to say what they couldn't bring their mouths to speak.
But perhaps she had read him wrong all along and it was the brush of a goodbye on her cheek after all? Embarrassment flooded over her at the words she had spoken to him. How would she face this? Or him?
Maria shifted on the floor so her back was against the door. She swiped at the tears on her face angrily but still they kept falling. She should have known better, really. Who was she to come back and hope to have any chance with a man such as the Captain? A girl raised in the mountains, with no money, who has spent the last years cloistered in a convent? Elsa Schrader was probably cutting her teeth on society pearls whilst she was learning to muck out a stall!
Deciding that the floor was horribly uncomfortable for a proper crying jag Maria pushed herself to her feet and crossed to the table by the window to retrieve a tissue.
And there he was.
Standing on the terrace in plain site engaged in close and apparently serious conversation with a suitably elegant Elsa, cigarette trailing behind her. And wasn't it just hateful that in this horrible moment she couldn't help but notice how handsome he was. She stepped back from her window and sat down on the bed praying that she hadn't been seen. They made a lovely and aristocratic little vignette down there amongst all the trappings of wealth and privilege. Never had she felt so keenly that she didn't belong. Wasn't wanted. Why did this have to sting so deeply? Would she feel like this whenever she saw them together? This wretched ache? Or worse yet overwhelming anger. Maria had a bit of a temper but never like this. Simply imagining the Baroness with him made her want to scratch her eyes out and pull all her perfectly coiffed hair until she was bald! This was an unmitigated emotional disaster.
Feeling the anger and irritation creep in at the frustration of it all Maria tried to remember Sister Berthe's advice on maintaining poise and a sense of calm in all situations. She took a deep breath and blew her bangs out of her face.
It hadn't worked when she set a wee corner of the Abbey barn on fire and it wasn't working now.
As she blew her nose she snorted at the thought of the Reverend Mother's fine words of the Lord closing a door and always opening a window. He'd opened a window alright, right onto the man she loved standing with another woman. How ironic.
Yet almost as soon as she'd thought it she regretted it. The Lord had closed one door, but perhaps He was using the lack of open windows to show her that life at the Abbey was truly His will. As usual, she simply needed to learn the hard way that what one wants is not necessarily what is best. A cruel lesson. One which she knew she would feel the bite of for many months to come. Because she wanted him. Wanted a them. Whether or not she returned to the Abbey she would return a different person having left a part of herself behind with the children and the Captain, well, it wouldn't do her any good to dwell on that now. Weeping into her Wiener schnitzel wasn't going to help her situation at all and frankly she'd frighten the children. Despite the heartache, Maria knew she simply wasn't made for prolonged sorrow and the sooner she plucked herself up the better.
Dabbing away the last of the tear tracks she went into the bathroom to splash some water on her face, carefully avoiding the view from the window. Soon enough she would face the happy couple...
Turning the taps she held her breath to try stop the hiccups. Looking into the mirror as the water dripped down her face she assessed herself. Splotchy. She blew out the breath she had been holding and grabbed a towel. She hiccuped.
Resolving to make her last days here count as much as they could for the children Maria started to feel slightly less self pity, steadier at least. Or you're simply out of tears right now and the dehydration has finally gotten to you. She sighed, pushing her own misery and disappointed feelings aside would be hard for her. She tended to wear all her emotions all the time. Sister Margaretta had once told her that she lived "out loud" and she should be proud that she had no artifice in her.
"You can do this," she told the sad girl in her reflection. "You wanted to find the life you were born to live didn't you? So it wasn't what you thought it was going to be. There are still seven people who are counting on you to prepare them for a new mother." And she loved them dearly. Running her fingers thru her hair she crossed over to the wardrobe and found all her dresses, just as she left them. It was touching, truly, that they had not wanted to rid themselves of her memory. Perhaps they had held out hope she would return. Fingering the soft fabrics, and sheepishly patting down any pockets for hidden "gifts", she felt a stab of sadness again. She would have to leave them all soon, permanently.
She rubbed her thumb into her breastbone unconsciously to still hurt blooming again.
"You have to face it. You have to face him..." she murmured.
For heavens sakes, perhaps my expectations were out of line if I can't even call him by his name in my own head! She had to face reality where the Captain was concerned.
He had chosen another.
He had made her no promises.
He had entertained his children by dancing with the governess and there was nothing more to it for him. He couldn't have known what Elsa had accused him of the night of the party although she hoped he would get a satisfactory explanation from her as to why she would wish to marry a man she thought capable of such callous behavior.
And in his defense he had seemed angry on her behalf when he had heard what the baroness had said the night she left. Truly, he was an honorable man. And that made the situation of trying to stop loving him all the harder.
Maria was jolted out of her little swirl of self pity by a knock on the door. Followed by a few giggles and some very loud "shhushes". Hoping her face had cleared of the evidence of her jag she opened the door to seven hopeful faces. And she knew. Whatever happened between her and the Captain this was worth it. They were worth it.
"We've brought your guitar and luggage," Friedrich announced as he and Kurt held up the aforementioned items with pride.
"Might we come in Fraulein Maria?" inquired Leisel politely gesturing to her brothers and sisters. Maria noticed Leisel seemed wary of her, almost as though she was watching for signs she might leave again. She glanced over at Brigitta and found the same wary look in her eyes as well. It was clear they needed reassurance and they deserved an explanation.
"Oh, of course! Come in and tell me all your news!"
The children happily piled onto her bed and started talking all at once, everyone except for Gretl who remained suspiciously quiet. Maria pushed the door closed and sat down on the bed and tucked the little girl into her lap before she attempted to pick apart the seven different threads of conversation headed her way.
"...it fell over and broke but Frau Schmidt wasn't too mad. Then I built a kite..."
"My parasol got a tear in the frilly part, can you fix it Fraulein Maria?"
"I started the best book the other day you'll have to read it when I've finished so we can talk about it!"
"...invented a new game with strings and rocks and a ball. We accidentally tossed the ball into the lake, but I jumped in and saved it!"
"I found a pattern for a new dress and now that your back perhaps we could look over it together?"
"You should have seen how high I climbed the tree by the stables Fraulein Maria! Would you come and watch me climb up again?"
As Maria was trying to answer everyone in turn Brigitta heard the snick of the doorknob turning and narrowed her eyes to see who it might be. The door opened only a fraction but she caught the glint off her father's ring. He poked his head in for just a moment and held his finger to his lips to keep her from alerting everyone to his presence. Brigitta was sure he was making a show of shutting the door seeing as how he had left it open just a bit. He was most certainly listening in on them. A clever girl, she knew that people who eavesdrop rarely hear good news... She shook her head and turned her attention back to Fraulein Maria.
"...and I can't wait to take your kite up to the mountain Kurt. Right after we see Louisa's amazing tree climbing demonstration," declared Maria.
"Fraulein Maria?", asked Gretl, subdued. "Why did you leave us? Was it because Marta and I spilled our water colors on you?" The children fell silent, finally the question on all their minds had been asked.
Georg found himself leaning closer into the door, wishing he had grabbed a water glass on his way thru the kitchen. He wondered what she might tell the children, hell, he wondered what he was going to tell the children if she left again. The truth he supposed, it was his fault this time. When he was taking the steps up to her room three at a time he hadn't a thought in his head beyond his need to see her. Talk to her. Touch her.
Finding his children already ensconced on her bed had been a disappointment. Yet the intrusion had given him a minute to collect himself and he was grateful for it. What had he been about to do? Barge into her room and declare his undying love to a woman who was more than likely angry with him. Whom he had hurt, confused, and misunderstood. No, he would need to be patient and let the children have their turn first.
Daring another peek into the room he found the picture of his children surrounding Maria to be a hopeful picture of his future. Their future together. Whatever happened between the two of them as they moved forward this moment was important. The moments she had given his children, drawn them out, taught them to be confident again in themselves and in their father. Those memories where precious. If she left tonight never to return she would have already marked them for the rest of their lives.
Almost pressing his ear to the door he strained to hear the answers she would give.
"Oh darling of course not," Maria said as she cuddled Gretl closer and sought to pull Marta into her embrace as well. "You mustn't think it was your fault, not for a moment."
"But you left. And you didn't say bye to us," Gretl mumbled into Maria's neck.
"It was wrong of me to leave without a proper goodbye. I'm sorry. I was missing the life I had at the Abbey and I had some important feel, ur, questions to ask the Reverend Mother and I just couldn't wait anymore. But I'm here to stay..." she drew a deep breath. "Well, at least until you return to school or a new governess can be arranged. You'll have the, um, you'll have the wedding to look forward too." She smiled sadly. "You must be looking forward to having a new mother."
"Not at...".
"Yes, of course we are Kurt," Brigitta cut in with a quick glance at the door. She gave her brother a hard stare and glanced at Leisel for help.
Kurt pointedly ignored his sister and simply responded in a louder voice, drowning her out, " Not at all! She can't catch a ball and she doesn't seem to like fish much…".
"She doesn't know any songs."
"She wears too much perfume and I always sneeze when I get too close. She doesn't like to be sneezed on," Marta whispered.
"Probably never climbed a tree in her whole life!"
"And she doesn't like us at all… I heard Leonie tell Hannah that she's sending us to a lovely boring school."
"You mean a 'boarding school', corrected Friedrich with a disgusted sneer at the idea. "Father wouldn't allow that, would he?"
"Yes, well, father just told us today so we are all getting used to it," interrupted Leisel diplomatically.
Marta chimed in next, "Can't you stay with us for always Fraulein Maria?"
She cleared her throat of the sadness gathering there.
"Oh my darling, I wish I could but... the baroness and your father will want to start fresh... as a new family." And I would be in the way, in every possible meaning of the word. "I am sure that Leonie must have heard wrong. Your father, even when he was at his saddest after your mother passed, never sent you away. You must remember that the Baroness hasn't much experience with children and she'll need lots of advice..." the children giggled at that. "And not the kind of advice you gave me when I first arrived!" she exclaimed, tickling Gretl and Marta.
Clapping her hands together and forcing a smile, "Now that that's all settled let's get ready for bed. It's been a big day, for everyone."
"Could you sing for us?" asked Gretl rubbing at her eyes.
"Of course."
Georg stepped back from the door and crept down the hall to the back steps. He felt heavy, in mind and heart. If Elsa hadn't already been packing he would have done it for her himself. Boarding school? Did she think he would simply roll over and acquiesce to her every whim? Not bloody likely, he snorted. He had thought a mother, any mother, would be a help to his children. But he could see now that only one woman would do. He walked back to his study trying to find a way to let Maria know, tonight if possible, what was in his head. He wanted the chance to explain, to confess, or to beg her if need be.
After settling the children in and promising Leisel some time for a long talk in the morning Maria found herself standing in the hallway about to return to her room. Her mind still swirling she thought perhaps a walk would help her to sleep. She headed out the door of the terrace and wandered off down by the lake towards the bench by the gazebo.
She had been wrong, alone with her thoughts out here was ten times worse. Everywhere she looked there was the ghost of memory and knowing she would have to leave soon only made them harder to bear. Just the thought of returning to the Abbey, alone again, was enough to bring the tears out.
"Hello."
Oh, no. Alone had been better. Why was he out here? Swiping at her cheeks and trying to feign an air of indifference she turned around on the bench and gave a very calm and steady,
"Good evening Captain, sir." But she was anything but. Seeing him again after the tumultuous events on the terrace was ripping her apart inside. She thought she would be able to handle all this, but she was going to fail just one hundred percent.
"I thought I just might find you here…"
"Hmm, its rather the last place I thought I might find you in. Hence my being here," Maria muttered the last bit, gesturing to the air around her.
Suddenly she was irritated, with herself and with him. Had he come down alone to dismiss her? Sent by The Soon To Be Baroness Von Trapp to talk to the poor lovelorn governess about curtailing future declarations of love? She would be firm, but kind, professional...if only he didn't walk too closely to her. She was certain that if he smelled half as good as he looked in that suit she would forget her vows completely. Her eyes narrowed with determination and she forced herself to watch him.
Georg swore he could hear the faint sound of the diving bells from a submarine, warning him that he was heading into dangerous waters, possibly to drown in his unrequited love for her. When did you get so maudlin old man? She was clearly feeling something, well, not pleasant towards him. Reminding himself that he had won Agatha's heart even after she had pitched a vase full of flowers at his head he pressed on. What choice did he have?
"Um, may I?" he asked as he gestured toward the bench.
"It's your bench, sir."
Sass, he thought. And found himself attracted to her all the more because of it. Rubbing a hand behind his ear and feeling the sweat start to prickle his back he played for time while he decided what to say next. A hundred tawdry phrases came to mind but in the end, as always with her, he just blurted out his true thoughts.
"Are you angry with me? Wait, don't answer that… I can see that you are, upset, and I'd like the chance to…"
"I'm angry with myself, sir. For forgetting myself earlier, forgetting who I am. Where I come from."
"Forgetting yourself?" He snorted, on his feet once again, his nervous energy making sitting an impossibility. "I've never known anyone who was more certain of herself than you."
She watched him pace in front of her. "Well, I'm certain of one thing. I'll not embarrass you or the baroness with a messy scene...," she said sadly, more to the grass then to him. Plucking a green blade between her fingers she started knotting it. "I'll stay only until arrangements can be made for another governess."
"Another governess?," he shook his head in confusion, he was having trouble following the thread of conversation. "I don't want another governess."
"Well, I suppose that will be up to you and your new wife then. I can't possibly stay, she wouldn't want that..."
"Maria, the Baroness and I, we are..."
"You really needn't explain yourself sir," she interrupted. "I saw you, on the terrace, after my humiliating exit. I could see you talking from my window and I realize the problem my return has caused. What I said to you..." She tossed the knotted grass onto the lawn in frustration.
He walked right in front of the bench and crouched down in front of her to capture her full attention but he didn't touch her. "Maria, there isn't going to be any baroness."
"There isn't?"
"No," he said standing up and walking a few paces away. "We did have words, as you saw, but they were," he cleared his throat, "...unpleasant words at best. Maria, I asked her to leave, immediately. What she said to you, in my house, about me...about you. I haven't been that angry in a long time. I couldn't marry her. I knew as soon as I saw you...my feelings for you...".
She scoffed at his words and he turned to face her. "Just hours ago you were going to marry another woman, I don't understand. If you thought you had feelings for me why would you propose?"
"Maria, I...you left. I didn't find the note, Frau Schmidt did. She found me in my study that next morning and handed it to me...she had the oddest expression on her face." He ran a hand thru his hair. He felt as though he was on a tightrope, afraid to say the wrong things and cause her to cut the line beneath him.
"You had returned to the Abbey, that's all I knew. I had no hope that you would return," he sighed. "I had been up all night, after the party. I had planned to talk...well, I don't really know what I had planned. You wanted to be a nun and...I just wanted you. It would have been wrong of me to ask you for more. But I was going to anyway. I was going to beg if necessary."
She stood up from the bench to face him. "The dance...you felt it too?"
"Maria, if you hadn't backed up I'm afraid I would have kissed you. In front of my children, and Elsa, and most of Salzburg. I can't stop myself where you're concerned."
She felt the sting of tears threaten and she clenched her fists, "Oh, but...She was right. The Baroness. I don't have anything or anyone. I come from nothing," she knew she sounded hollow and sad. Ashamed that her feelings seemed to be leaking out despite her best efforts she felt her self pity start to turn to anger.
"Men like you don't marry girls like me, they give you orders at birth," she snapped.
He smirked at her. "Men like me don't take orders, we give them. That is until sassy women from convents come along and take our whistles and refuse to follow the chain of command. We fall for those women."
He took the last few steps forward to close the distance between them and took her hands in his. When she refused to meet his gaze he let go of one hand and gently tilted her chin up with his finger.
"I didn't get a chance to finish what we started on the terrace. Let me say it now. You have changed my life, melted my heart and then broken it. Maria, you must know that I love you. I haven't wanted, needed, a woman the way I do you for a very long time."
"But surely you and she, well..." she blushed at her own remark horrified that she had said it aloud, at this moment. He had just told her he loved her...her heart was in so far into her throat she wasn't sure how she had managed to put her foot in her mouth as well.
Georg scoffed at that. "How could I take another woman into my bed when I was terrified I'd call out your name?" he answered with honesty, watching the blush paint her cheeks and spill down her throat. "I'm trying to do this right…" he murmured under his breath, more to himself than her. Was nothing with this woman ever going to go according to what he planned? He smiled, probably not, and he wouldn't want it any other way.
"So you admit the rumors about your, umm, colorful past are true?," she blurted out, clapping a hand over her mouth in shock. Would nothing stop her tongue this night?
"Rumors? What goes on at that Abbey? Well, uh yes, some of them might be true...," he trailed off sheepishly. Maria rolled her eyes and walked a few steps away. He followed her, reaching out for her hand. She turned and allowed him to hold it, feeling the tingle of his touch.
"It's true I, behaved rather badly as a young man, until I met my wife. I loved her, deeply. Since her death there has been no one else." He flattened her palm against his chest, knowing she could feel his heart beating, hammering because of the nearness of her. "You weren't my first love. But I think you might be my last."
She reached up to brush her thumb across his cheek as he had done to her on the terrace, "I love you too." For a minute they simply looked at one another, feeling the shift between them, friends to lovers. She stepped closer to him and smirked a little as she as she asked, "Can I kiss you now, Captain?"
"I don't know, can you Fraulein?" he smirked back.
Instead of making a reply she stood on her tiptoes and brushed her lips across his. As she made to step back he caught her around the waist with both hands and pulled her close until their bodies were pressed together. "My turn," he whispered. He leaned in and kissed her bottom lip running the tip of his tongue along the seam of her mouth. She pressed in closer, letting him lead her into deliciously unfamiliar territory. One kiss merged into another and he felt himself losing control, he pulled away, not wanting to frighten her. But she was having none of that nonsense. Reaching for the knot in his tie Maria tugged until they were once again just a breath away. She smiled at him, reading his mind, "I'm not afraid, Georg. Kiss me". He slid his hands into her hair and swept her into a desperate kiss, sliding his tongue against hers, teaching her and letting her teach him in turn.
"What was it you said today, about looking for your life? Find it here, with me...with my children," he kissed her again, softly. "Marry me?" he whispered against her lips.
"Yes."
The End.
I just want to thank everyone around here who have made my first forays into SOM so "warm and happy and pleasant"! I was more than petrified to post this because so many others have done this scene marvelously and it's rather intimidating to cast your lot in with such brilliance ;) In fact, I wasn't even sure continuing with this was such a smart idea...but I couldn't help myself. I like to write the kisses (and everything that comes after) and I hadn't gotten my chance yet!
