It's Friday night and I'm exhausted. Steve hasn't only made me make copies for all of Los Angeles and edit every wannabe's music but now he has me following him like a puppy dog to all his meetings.
I haven't heard from Brittany since our trip. It's not like I'm waiting for her to call me- well I am. Before we left Salton we exchanged numbers and she said we needed to keep in touch. I agreed, but she should know me enough to realize I'm not going to call first, so either she calls me or we're not going to talk until we run into each other again.
The thing is, I have huge pride issues and that's why I refuse to call her, but I really want to just throw that out the window, pick up the phone and dial her number. It's probably a bad idea though. I can't get too close to her. Keeping her at a distance is the best thing to do right now. If I start letting her in, I know I'm going to get attached again. I could easily fall back into being her best friend if that's what she wanted. And that would be great except for the being in love with her part.
My bedroom door swings open and Adam's head pops in. "Hey are you going to have dinner with us?"
"Have you ever heard of knocking? I know this is your place but what if I were naked or something?"
"It's nothing I haven't seen before." He smirks. "So dinner?"
"Sure."
Jax prepared one of his most famous dishes tonight. It's some kind of Indian food with ingredients I haven't even heard of before so I'm not going to bother trying to name them. What's important is that the thing is delicious. As we dig in, I notice Jax flicking his eyes between Adam and me.
"What?" I ask casually.
He shrugs and shakes his head simultaneously.
I roll my eyes. "Cut the crap."
Jax puts his fork down and swallows the food in his mouth. "I was just wondering how you're doing with Brittany?"
"How I'm doing with her? What do you mean? I haven't talked to her since we got back."
"He thinks you're still into her." Adam pipes up.
My eyes dart nervously around the table. "Why would you think that?"
"Jax is a hopeless romantic. You know that. It's just one of his crazy ideas."
"It's not a crazy idea," Jax defends. "I'm really good when it comes to these things. And I could tell you still have feelings for her."
"But I don't."
Jax is good at these kind of things, so I know I'm not going to be able to hide the truth from him. I don't know how he does it but he can see right through people. And he's always so open about his own feelings. In some ways, he reminds me of Brittany.
"Are you sure? It's okay if you do. It's understandable."
That last part interested me. "Why would it be understandable?"
"Well you didn't break up with her. She broke up with you, meaning you still loved her when she ended it, right? Did you ever stop loving her?"
"Just drop it, Jax," Adam says. I know he noticed my discomfort earlier and is trying to help me out. He and I have a lot in common. We're much more private about the way we feel.
"But babe, don't you see? They've been away from each other for so long and now they have a chance to be together again. It's fate."
"She just told you straight out. She doesn't feel anything for her anymore."
As I watch the two argue about Brittany and me, I can feel my hands becoming clammy at the thought of getting back together with her. It hadn't crossed my mind before. I honestly thought I would never see her again. But now I can't help and wonder if she's thought about me during these past few years. How would she react if I confessed that I still loved her?
"I mean, I know she has a boyfriend but if she still loves Santana it wouldn't be right to stay with him right?"
"She has a boyfriend?"
They both pause to look at me.
"She didn't tell you?" Jax asks.
"No. We didn't really talk much."
"Oh. I'm so sorry Santana. I didn't know."
"No..I- that's okay. I'm glad I know. I could've done something really stupid."
"What do you mean?" Adam asks.
"'Nothing.. I-"
Adam's eyes widen in realization. "Santana?"
I swore I would never tell anyone how I truly feel about Brittany but these are my friends. I know I can trust them with my life..or any secret. Plus I'm going to need as much advice as I can get now.
"I never really stopped loving her." I whisper. "No one can just suddenly stop loving someone right?" I say trying to make myself sound less pathetic.
Jax's lips stretch into a smile. "I knew it."
"It's not a good thing, Jax. It might have been if she were single but she's not."
"That should be the least of your worries. If you love her and she loves you then things will fall into place. Don't you think maybe she didn't tell you about her boyfriend for a reason?"
I shrug and look down at my food. Just a minute ago it had looked so appetizing.
"Look if she didn't mention him then-"
The sound of my cell phone ringing cuts him off.
I look at the screen and take a deep breath before answering.
"Hey," I say dryly.
"Hey, you! I've been waiting for you to call me but then I remembered you don't do first calls." She giggles.
"Yeah, sorry. I've been busy."
"Are you okay?"
I look at the guys who offer me supportive smiles before answering, "Yeah. I'm fine. Just tired from work."
"Want to go out tomorrow? We can all go dancing!"
Hanging out with Brittany is the last thing I want to do. On top of being extremely tired I don't think I'll be able to stand seeing her with her boyfriend, that's if she ever decides to introduce or even mention him to me.
"I'm going to be pretty busy this weekend with some work I have to get done," I lie.
"Well…I could go over? Watch a movie or something? Just to keep you company. I'll pick up some Italian food from this great place I know. It doesn't compare to Breadstix, but it comes close."
The offer sounds extremely appealing. I would love to stay in with her and relax for the weekend just like old times. But I know I need some time away from her to decide how I'm going to handle this whole situation.
"That's nice of you but maybe some other time."
"Why are you upset?" It's been so long since I've talked to Brittany that I forget she can read me like a book. She doesn't even need to look at me to know something is bothering me. It's a huge disadvantage right now.
"I- I'm not. Just tired."
"Right. Okay well, sorry if I said something that upset you."
"You didn't I just-" I inhale and exhale forcefully through my nose. "I'm just busy. We'll hang out soon, okay?"
"Sure. When ever you can is fine."
The sad little tone in which she speaks makes me feel like a complete ass. Brittany is being so sweet and understanding as usual and I'm being a complete bitch. Some things never change.
"I'll talk to you soon, okay?"
"Yeah. Okay. Bye, San."
"Bye."
"What happened?" Jax asks. He had been listening with close attention.
I set my phone down and rest my head on my palms.
"Santana?"
"I don't know what I'm going to do guys. For a second, I thought we could maybe be friends again but I don't think I could handle it."
Adam places a comforting hand on my arm. "Santana, you know I hate to be cheesy but if you really do still love her, you should let her know. You don't want to look back twenty years from now and ask yourself 'what if?'"
I sigh. "No, I've already tried that with her once and it didn't go very well."
"But that was then. You guys were kids. She might handle it differently this time."
"She was being faithful back then, I doubt she has changed." I look up at them. " I actually hope she hasn't."
Jax redirects the conversation. "What did she tell you on the phone?"
"She wanted to hang out."
"And you said no?" he asks surprised.
"I said no."
"I can't believe you guys are actually going."
"We paid good money for these tickets, a lot of good money. Of course we're going ," Adam explains.
"It's the freaking Opera! People in their twenties aren't supposed to go to things like that. Can't you wait till your sixty or something?"
"We won't be able to stay awake when we're sixty." he says as he fixes Jax's bowtie.
"Whatever, I'm gonna take bath. Have fun sitting on your asses for two hours." I make my way to my room to grab a towel. As I shuffle through my closet I hear the front door swing open then slammed shut. I thought the guys were gone until I hear footsteps coming up the stairs and stopping near my bedroom door.
"Did you come back to clean the bathroom before I take my bath?" I ask sarcastically as i continue to look through my closet.
"Not exactly. But I brought food," Brittany says holding up a bag.
"Brittany," I say, finally turning around.
"Please don't be mad. I know you told me you were going to be busy today but I really wanted to hang out with you and I have to work tomorrow so today was my only free day."
I forget my previous idea of a bath and stare at Brittany still a bit surprised. Seeing her at Salton was very surprising but seeing her here in my house. In my bedroom. It feels a lot more surreal than the first time i saw her.
"San?"
"It's fine." I finally react and take the bag from her. "Here, let's go to the kitchen."
"You aren't mad right?" She asks worriedly but follows me to the kitchen.
I set the food down and start digging through it. "No, 'course not. I'm just surprised. I thought you were Adam."
"Oh yeah. I saw them on their way out. Jax said it was ok for me to come in."
Of course he would say that. Jax means well most of the time but sometimes he can be more harmful than helpful. I really hope he doesn't tell Brittany anything I wouldn't want her to know. I definitely need to have a talk with him.
Brittany moves around the kitchen island and comes stands next to me. Her shoulder gives me the chills as it graces softly against mine.
"You can get started on your work," she offers. "I'll serve us some food." She grabs a container with pasta and dumps some of it on one of the plates I brought out.
Oh my "work." I had forgotten about that. "Actually, I stayed up all night and finished it this morning." I feel really bad about lying to her. It's true what they say 'one lie leads to another.'
"Oh that's great! We can both watch a movie now."
After we finish stacking our plates with pasta, salad and breadsticks, we make ourselves comfortable in the living room. Brittany was right about the food, it's amazing. I really wish I had a glass of wine to go with it but Adam and Jax drank the last of it last week and no one has had the time to go pick up some more. Luckily, Brittany brought a bottle of her favorite apple cider. It doesn't compare to wine, but it's something. And she loves it, so if she's happy then i'm happy.
I pop in the movie she brought. It's some lame alien flick that I have already watched but I lie and say i've never seen it before. There i go lying again. But it's okay if it's for a good cause right?
Anyway, halfway through the movie Brittany reaches for her glass that sits on the coffee table and casually scoots closer to me on the couch. I turn to look at her and she gives me a friendly smile before returning her attention back to the television.
It might just be my imagination but i feel like she's trying something on me. I panic. "Hey, Brittany?"
"Mh?" She doesn't take her eyes off the t.v.
"Are you dating anyone?"
She looks at me and blinks her long blonde lashes a few times. She seems confused by the question but then her cheeks turn a little pink and I know what she's thinking.
"Oh no no. I don't mean it that way. I'm not trying to ask you out. I was- " I shrug. "I was just wondering."
The color on her cheeks goes from pink to light red and I smile at that.
She looks down at her glass before answering, "Yeah. I am. Um..his name is Liam."
I nod and feel a sting in the pit of my stomach. God, that hurt. Why did I even ask her?
I don't ask anything else and she doesn't go into further details. We sit in silence for the remainder of the movie and when it finishes I quickly get up and slide it out of the dvd player and into its case.
"So..that was a good movie," I comment and stand awkwardly in the middle of the living room. I begin an internal debate about whether or not I should sit back down.
"Is this too weird for you?"
"Wha- What?"
"Is spending time with me too weird? You can tell me if it is."
"No," I shake my head and sit back down next to her. "No, it's not weird."
She hides her face behind her glass as she drinks the last of her cider. "'Cause, it's okay if it is."
"Brittany, it's not weird."
I can tell by the look on her face and how she's avoiding eye contact that she's ashamed of something. I feel like holding her and telling her it's fine that she has a boyfriend and it's fine that she dumped me, even if it doesn't feel like that to me. I want her to know she should never feel ashamed about anything she does. She should at least not feel that way with me.
"I know I hurt you when I-"
At the sound of hurt, I jolt off the couch. "Whoa!... Look, I'm over that... and I would rather not talk about it."
"But-"
"No, Brittany. Really. I don't want to talk about it."
She looks up at me with her baby deer looking eyes and it forces me to take a minute and relax.
"Sorry. I just don't think we need to talk about it. Is that okay?"
She nods.
"Look, we're fine. This isn't weird. We can be friends, can't we?"
She presses her lips together and forces a smile. "Yeah.."
Brittany has really taken advantaged of the "friends" label we're now sporting. She spends most of her days off of work with me and when we're not together she's texting me throughout the day. It was strange spending time with her at first, but like I said before, falling back to our old routine is easy, so it wasn't long before I started feeling like we were the Brittany and Santana from high school. With Brittany being around so much, I had to make things clear to Jax about what he wasn't allowed to say, which was basically anything that had to do with me. He argued with me when I brought it up but eventually promised he wouldn't say anything.
Brittany has most Saturdays off so we either stay in and watch a movie, go dancing with the guys or go out to dinner.
This week, we decided to stay in. Adam and Brittany have had a very stressful week and are dead tired, so we rented some movies. When we go back to Adam's place , the boys want to watch the movie they picked out while Brittany fights for the one she picked. I have actually been wanting to watch the movie the guys chose but I take Brittany's side and pretend to want to watch hers.
We argue about it until I take Brittany's hand, along with her movie and lead us to my room. "We'll watch it in my room," I say already walking up the stairs.
"You kids behave!"
I glance back at Jax with a glare.
Once we're in our room, I close the door and put the movie on.
Brittany sits on my bed. "Your room looks nothing like the one back in Lima."
"Yeah, I haven't really decorated it. I don't think it's worth it. I'll be out of here soon."
At this, Brittany quickly turns to look at me. "You're leaving?"
"Well yeah. I'm not going to stay here forever. This is only temporary."
Brittany looks down at my sheets and runs her hand over the padding. "But what about your job? I thought it was going well."
I squint in confusion. "It is.."
"So why are you leaving? Are you going back to Chicago?"
I laugh as i catch on. "No, Britt. I'm not leaving leaving. I'm moving out of here, to my own place, but I'm not leaving LA."
When Brittany looks up at me her cheeks are flushed. I raise an eyebrow. I hadn't said anything to embarrass her.. Had i?
"Why are you blushing?" I ask with a curious smile.
"You called me Britt."
"I did?"
She nods with a huge grin.
"Well, we are back to being friends so I guess it feels right to call you that now." I climb onto my bed and lean against the headboard. She follows and positions herself next to me.
"I'm glad you aren't leaving LA. I like having you around."
My heart flutters. "I like being around."
She seems to be done talking but there's something that I've been very curious about.
"Hey Britt, your boyfriend doesn't mind you hanging out with me?"
She glances at me and shrugs. "I don't see him often. He travels a lot."
"Oh. What does he do?"
"He's a geologist."
Brittany's dating a geologist? How the hell did that happen? Well on second thought, it actually makes sense. He's probably full of the type of knowledge Brittany finds interesting.
"Wow. A geologist. That's impressive."
"You're impressed because I managed to catch a geologist's attention or because he's a geologist?"
The question caught me off guard and I stutter as I try to form an answer.
She chuckles at my struggle. "I'm kidding, San."
"Not funny."
"It's a little funny."
I spread my hand for her to take. When she does I say, "I'm happy to keep you company while he's gone." I think about what I said and quickly try to make myself clearer, "Not- not like that.. I meant like you know.. just company."
"I know what you meant," she says in between a giggle. "Thank you."
