Chapter 3
Billy and Johnny are already home when Victoria opens the door. "Hi" she says when she sees him. She has decided to not tell him the good news, yet, if it is good news; she wants to keep it to herself for just a little while, she doesn't want this moment of bliss to be spoiled. She smiles at him, he responds with "Hi" and he hugs her, as if he has missed her, one arm around her waist while his other hand strokes her hair, his face pressed against her neck. She hasn't felt that for a while, him hugging her 'just because' and is unsure how to respond. Too many times he has acted as if he were in pain at the least little bit of physical contact from her. She breaks the embrace and walks over to the couch, in front of Johnny who is sitting on the floor, playing. She picks him up and hugs him, tightly.
"Did you and Johnny have fun while you were out? Where'd you go?" she asks.
"Well, we went to look at the Christmas decorations in the park and then we stopped by Crimson Lights for some coffee and Christmas cookies. Johnny loves the cappuccino there." Billy jokes. "I saw Dylan, your new big brother. We talked a bit."
"Oh, about what?" Vickie is sitting on the couch, playing with Johnny and looks up at Billy.
"About you."
"What about me? Why were you talking about me?" she asks, with a quizzical look. "Wait, don't answer that. Let me put Johnny down for his nap, first." With that, Victoria heads upstairs with Johnny in her arms, kissing him on his head, whispering words of 'mommy loves you' to the little boy.
A few minutes later, Victoria returns, still curious, "Johnny went out as soon as his head hit the pillow. So, now, tell me, why were you and Dylan talking about me?" She smiles, thinking they were discussing her as Dylan's newly found sister, an idea she readily accepts. After all, a girl can't have too many brothers. She has been looking forward to getting to know him better and welcoming him into her family.
"He asked how group was going, and I told him about that and Kelly and how it's helped me. Then, he asked me a question I couldn't answer. He asked me who do you talk to. I didn't know, so I'm asking you now. Who do you talk to about Delia and me and everything? I know it's not me, so who?" Billy sits down next to her on the couch, facing her. Victoria is startled by his question but answers him honestly, he asked so maybe he want to know how she really feels.
"I've talked to Nick and my mother, but mostly there is no one. The night you were at Nick's club with Kelly, I was at Crimson Lights with Johnny, I had nowhere else to go and no one to talk to. At that moment, I was taking off Johnny's coat, and there was this rash around his neck. I was on the phone calling the doctor when Stitch, Dylan's friend overheard me. He came over, took a look and recommended some antihistamine; it looked like Johnny had a reaction to the sweater he was wearing. Well, Stitch was very helpful, so we talked for a few minutes about Delia, and I unloaded on him, probably more than I should have, but I just needed to talk to someone. I needed someone," Victoria stares into Billy's eyes as she speaks; her calm façade is overtaken by her emotions, "because I can't talk to my husband. I couldn't even tell you about Johnny's allergic reaction because I can't talk to my husband, I didn't want to burden you. My husband, who thinks he has to pretend to be okay, who has to force a smile to take a picture with his son and Santa Claus. My husband, who doesn't want to talk to me. My husband, the man that I love more than anything, can't talk to me, can't make love to me, can't support me and won't let me share in his grief. So, who do I talk to? A man I hardly know, who just happens to be at Crimson Lights at the same time I'm there, having an emotional breakdown because of my son's allergic reaction to a stupid sweater." Victoria said all of this, her gaze never wavering from Billy's face, the last sentence spoken in anger at herself for losing control. This is not how she wanted this conversation to go, but she has to acknowledge how little control she has at this point.
Billy stares at his wife, the love of his life, this amazing, strong-willed, stunning beauty, her large, expressive blue eyes are full of another emotion, not with anger, but with something else he can't quite decipher.
"Victoria, I love you. But, I don't know how to explain what's going on with me. I know I've been shutting you out, but I never wanted to hurt you. And don't think for one minute that I don't want you. I do, every day. I just can't" he stumbles over his words, "I just can't right now. I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing, of doing the wrong thing. I just can't. At group, no one is judging me or expecting anything from me. I don't have to worry about disappointing them, the way I worry about disappointing you."
"And Kelly, what about Kelly? How do you think it makes me feel, knowing that my husband is turning to another woman? How do you think I feel when she comes up to us during the limited family time we have together, talking to you, letting me know how much of yourself you are sharing with her? And nothing can convince me that she didn't know what she was doing. You can't convince me that she doesn't know that having drinks with another woman's husband is wrong. You couldn't go to your niece's birthday party, but you had no problem going to the same club to have drinks with Kelly. I lost Delia, too. It didn't just happen to you. I'm grieving, I'm in pain, but somehow you think your feelings are more important. Somehow you think that my pain is more manageable, because I get up every day and put one foot in front of the other and do the things I have to do, so as not to burden you. Are there new rules I should be following? Is it okay for me to find some man who claims his wife doesn't understand him so we can commiserate together? Would that be okay with you? No, I don't think so. Am I jealous? Hell, yes I am! Show me one woman who wouldn't be?"
"Vickie, there's nothing going on between me and Kelly, I promise you. We're just friends."
"That's where you're wrong, Billy. There already is something going on. There is a connection there, the one you used to have with me. And if you can't see it, then we are in big trouble! In this situation, she is the only one with nothing to lose and that's dangerous! You're just too blind to see it." Victoria is in an uncontrollable rage, screaming, with tears of pent up frustration streaming down her face. Weeks of holding back her feelings had finally gotten the best of her. She collapses on the couch, sobbing.
"Victoria..., baby". Billy sits on the couch next to her, gathers her up in his arms and lets her cry. Dylan was right; he hadn't really looked at his wife. He holds her close, stroking her hair; this moment is about Victoria and her pain. His pain, for once, can wait, his wife needs him to hold her and let her know that somehow, it's going to be alright.
While Billy continues to hold her, she calms down enough to speak. "I'm sorry for my tirade. I didn't mean to do that, but, I just had to let it go. I didn't mean to make you the target."
"Don't be sorry. I do believe I had that coming. That and more. This is the thing, I don't want you in that place with me. One of us has to maintain their sanity; we both can't be wallowing in grief. What would happen to Johnny if I took you there with me? I couldn't let that happen. I didn't know if you would end up pulling me out or I would pull you in. Kelly has been there and made it out, so it just seemed safer. Plus, I didn't want to burden you any more than I already have. Guess I was wrong. I didn't understand that you were just treading water, too and that you were breakable and I'm sorry. That big red "S" you wear on your chest makes you seem so invincible sometimes." Victoria, tears still in her eyes, smiles at the last comment, and snuggles closer to him, her head on his chest.
They continue to talk, more openly and honestly than they have for some time, neither trying to protect the other from their feelings. Billy admits that he does feel safer talking to Kelly, but realizes that he may have been leaning on her too much, maybe, since he has some other personal issues to talk about, that Kelly doesn't need to hear, he can seek out a therapist, one who has an understanding of grief. He and Victoria can do that together, they both know now that she needs support, too. Victoria speaks about her insecurities regarding Kelly and about being left out of this aspect of Billy's life. Victoria even admits that even thinking about using it, and between that and her insistence that he needed help is what drove him to the group therapy meetings.
After a few minutes of quiet, still holding her, Billy asks, "Baby, where did you go today? Did you go see your doctor?" She nods affirmatively. "Did you find out what's wrong?" Vickie lets go of Billy and rises from the couch. As she does, he sees something different about her. He knows her body, almost as well as his own; he knows every curve, every line, every sensitive spot. He notices the slight extra fullness of her breasts. His mind goes back to this morning, and her sudden illness and briefly recalls that was not the first time. How could he have missed it? How long has she known and not told him? Are they so far apart that she couldn't tell him, didn't feel safe to tell him, terrified that he would be unhappy? And ruin her joy? He stands next to her, encircling her in his arms.
The look on her face tells him the answer before his next question is asked. A silent, "Are you pregnant?" passes between them. She nods and, says yes waiting for his next words. "How far along are you?" The answer, "Almost 12 weeks" is shocking for her to say and for him to hear. "I'm due sometime in June."
The fact that Delia's been gone about the same amount of time is not lost on either of them. "I didn't know until today." Twelve weeks. They had lost their first baby after only 7 weeks. Billy lets go a sigh of relief. Twelve weeks, is good news, very good news; in Billy's mind, this means they have a second chance. Confused, how could she not have known? No need to ask Victoria this, he already has an answer. With everything Victoria has been dealing with, somehow this child has survived. Surely, Superwoman has nothing on this woman, and he, once again is amazed at how brave she is. That she would be willing to take another chance, after so much loss, touches him deeply, knowing this will be her fifth pregnancy. She needs him now, to take care of her, to love her, to be with her, to make sure she knows he only loves her and this baby only cements that love. Billy kisses her, then bends over and kisses her on abdomen, that place where miracles happen and life grows and he sends up a silent prayer of thanks.
"I love you." His speech is low and soft. "Thank you for all of gifts you have given me. Thank you for being so strong, I would have never made it this far without you. And thank you for this" he says, placing his hands on her stomach, still in awe that their prayers have finally been answered.
Victoria gives in to those feelings of love for this man, Billy Abbott, as he holds her close and kisses her again. She returns his kiss, still loving him and needing him, she always will. She knows, in her heart, that she will never love like this again. He is part of her now, he lives forever in her mind and there is no true happiness without him, but another part of her is still determined. If there are choices, there is no choice but the one she has already made. She and Billy made a promise that their children would always come first, which is as it should be. She will live up to that promise, no matter what the cost.
Billy watches her face, almost reading her mind. He understands the reservations she must be feeling, wondering if he will be there with her and for her during this time. He is still grieving Delia's loss and is still struggling with his guilt. He has to find a way to reassure her, because, knowing his wife, she is going to do everything she can to make sure this baby is okay. He can no longer be the priority, it's about Victoria and helping her with this pregnancy; it's about their new baby, Johnny and Reed and he accepts that. He will miss Delia, forever, they both will; another child can never take her place, but this new baby will have a place of its own, in their lives and in their hearts.
Later that night, in bed, Victoria's back is to him, and Billy holds her, his arm around her waist while they sleep. His closeness comforts her and she sleeps peacefully for the first night in a very long time. Her husband is not as far away as he once was, the rest will come with time.
