Cearbhail:
There are a few changes to this chapter, mostly the note carried in Quaranir's hands. The note never existed before, and the premise of this chapter had changed a bit because of it.
Oh...and enjoy =^.^=
The first thing that occurred to me was that I was dead. That and my body was back. When I opened my eyes, I was surrounded in nothing but white. There was no floor, no ceiling, nothing that could even be considered Sovngarde. It was just a white gravity-less nothing. As my eyes started to focus, I could see tiny thousands of these small floating worlds, all Nirn, all spinning around in their natural rotations. Where was I? This wasn't Sovngarde!
I paused to push a deep breath out. I was hoping that when I died that I would be able to…I don't know…at least see my friends in the afterlife. Spend the rest of my eternity with my husband, my parents, or mother at least. Go to the grasslands and hang out with Ruby and her daughter. You know, the afterlife stuff. So…why was I floating around a white room filled with small palm-sized Nirns?
I allowed a small invisible sigh out. Well, I could say that this was a fitting punishment for someone who had the ability to change the world but didn't use it. I guess I didn't deserve to see my friends because I led them all to their deaths. I lived my life as I thought it was supposed to be. I should have no regrets, but there were so many. I had the power to change my fate. I had the power to right what was so wrong. If only I had taken the chance. If only.
"Then why don't you?" I heard a light voice call from behind me.
I snapped myself around, my body turning in some floating manner. Standing a few feet away from me was Quaranir, one of the Psijic monks that had taught me why changing the past was so bad. He was holding onto one of the small floating worlds, running one of his fingers over the glass-like bubble that contained it.
"Quaranir?" I asked. "What are you doing here?"
He smiled and started walking around the nothing, still holding onto the Nirn in his hand. "You have piqued an interest, little one. You listened to us, even when you knew that it would lead to your death. Your initiation to the Psijic Order is complete, or… would have been if not for your little rebellion at the end." He stuck out his hand, holding the very letter I wrote for the other Cecilie. "The Psijics believe that one who has seen the vileness of the world and wishes to change it, but doesn't…because they understand the way the world flows is the very essence of what a time-traveler needs to be. So…congratulations…if you can call it that…are in order. You would be one of us right now if it were not for this little detail." He shook the note in his hand. So… I did that for nothing then? They intercepted it… and kept the other me from getting it? "Now, onto the question at hand. You wish to change what has happened. Do not try to contradict me…we wouldn't be speaking if you did not have some regret. So, you wish to make your history better? Why not also help others who's past have been worse off? Why only fix yours?"
I shook my head. I could not just stand here and claim that. I knew that I was only one person… one in the few billion that ever existed. I'm not the only one that suffered. People suffer every day… worse than I ever would. I could not claim to be special. "I did want to change my fate, but that would have been wrong. If I can do it, other people should be able to as well. It's not fair to only fix your own life and leave others in the dark. And if everyone could change their fate, the world would be a chaotic place; no one would fail at anything but that by itself would be unbalanced. Too many people living with success and no one failing…the world wouldn't be able to handle it. That's why balance exists. Why people die and new people are born. Why everything is the way it is."
Quaranir smiled. "That is what we would want you to believe. That some people must suffer for others to live life happily. And for the most part, that balance exists. But, where do we draw the line? If one man can be so cruel as to destroy an entire race, enslave them, punish them for no reason, and then execute them brutally…is that too much? Should he be able to do so, or should someone put him down? And if someone knew what he was capable of, of what he would do…do we have the right to kill that person before he does these acts? Before he plants the seeds of hatred, murder, unjustified racism for not only his generation but several generations that follow? Is that balanced?"
I shrugged. This was a normal test question that the Psijics drilled into my head since I was eleven. I already knew the proper answer. And it's not like my little rebellion would change their opinion of me. I'm already dead. "But if he hasn't committed the acts yet, then he isn't guilty of doing it. If history could change like that, maybe he'd make a different choice. Change his own fate. Not to mention, we don't know what would happen if that person died. Would there still be a massacre? Would something just as bad happen to someone else? Maybe killing him will produce an imbalance that can't be fixed. Changing the past will only lead to more pain for others in the future. It's about balance."
He paced around the room, frowning at me now. Did… did I not give the correct answer? "Balance? This man…kills an entire nation of people, enslaves them…you call this balance? How is that balanced? Who benefits from that? Other than the person pulling the strings, I cannot see benefit. I only see victims… the ones committing the acts… and the ones receiving them. Everyone but the string puller himself." Quaranir looked at the Nirn in his hands. "The question being stated happened in a world far away from our own, it a history that is not known to us. A war so grand in size that it drew in every country around their world. They all acted to silence this one man who had decided that a race of men was to become extinct. For years he got away with it. Billions died for his hubris before the world decided enough had been enough. The world stood against him, but… he had the final choice. He killed himself. Balance was not restored, but he was punished all the same. But if he hadn't died… if he had been allowed to exist in that world… what would have happened? The entire world acted to kill one man. Millions of humans died…just to kill one. So, what could have this world been like if they didn't have to worry about killing him?"
I sighed. It was true. I didn't see anything balanced about it. It just seemed wrong. "Ok, maybe you're right. But, changing the future can have adverse effects. You taught me this very vividly. So…I would choose to not change it. I would let the history play out as it had been written." I just had to play his game. It's not like it would matter; this was probably my own punishment for doing what I did. I was brought here to be shamed for attempting a little rebellion.
Quaranir shook his head, pacing around. "But choosing to not change this event will still reflect the ability to change it in the first place. Now you're pretending that the power you possess is better off being not used at all. You're actively choosing to keep fate this way…in this blacked state of misery. All the lives that die because of this one event, lives that you could save…will all blink out because you actively decided to look the other way and shrug. While snapping your fingers could result in a longer peace for all. You are actively allowing these people to die, knowing that you could change it. You are accepting these deaths as your own. In this way… you're the real monster."
"And choosing to change fate will be a slap in the face to the Gods, who also have all the power in the universe to halt it from happening. You're saying I should play God and choose how history will write itself?" I screamed at him. I had no idea just how adamantly I felt about this. I was no longer just pretending to answer these questions. I was furious at my past life and how I refused to act. I was so angry at myself that I couldn't hold it in anymore. "Such power can be disastrous. I could become easily greedy and fix every little mistake that I wanted to fix. It would leave a trail that would eventually create something bad in return!" That much was true… there was no way of knowing what my choices could end up doing for another Cecilie in another timeline.
Even though I was fighting so hard to prove what he taught me to be true, I secretly wanted to go back and change my fate. But I didn't want to go back because it never changed what happened in my world. I saw the results already… nothing I did changed my present. I was selfish… only thinking of me instead of another me. A more… permanent me. And now… the other me would still have all that misery of my dead mother, my inattentive father. She'd have to slowly watch him die in front of her, pleading to her to at the last second to forgive him. And if that Cecilie ever decided to keep doing what I should have done, she might not be looking at a vampire glaring at her throat like it was a chew toy. Still the same past, maybe a different result.
Quaranir smiled at me and nodded. "You did learn well, little one. Too bad you have not learned the lesson we intended for you to learn. Even though… you did at the last second." He walked up to me waving the note. "I should be congratulating you, but… I feel like it would be a useless gesture. I could continue to explain what it is you should have learned, but I feel like you already know. After all… if the gods did not want you to change history…would they have given you the ability to do so? Your finding of the Elder Scroll was not coincidence. You were driven by fate, by the hand of Akatosh. Everything happened the way it was supposed to happen, but there were always hints that it didn't need to be. You saw the future, not just your own, but the world's itself. If the Gods are willing to let the world slip into such a massacre, then I shake my head at the possibility that the Gods do not have our best intentions in mind." He looked back at me, saying, "Your whole world was a gift to you. Everyone you knew tried to change your mind. All your friends were trying to teach you the proper lesson, the lesson the Gods wanted you to learn. You ignored them. I thought you had failed your quest."
Quaranir waved his hand and the images of my friends started appearing. My husband appeared as a wisp of smoke, his face shifting but still detailed. "How can you just…sit there and accept this? How can you sit on your throne and not do anything? You're a Psijic! The magic you can create can end this whole war."
The smoke shifted over to Brelyna, who looked as understanding as ever. "Your mother did not believe in running and neither to do I, milady. High Queen Cecilie, I feel I must remind you that today is not a day for running. It is a day to stand up and give all we have to defeating the Dominion."."
Then the face of the six-year-old Ranjha formed in the mist. It was the first time I had woken up from my nightmare with her dying. "Oh dear sweet gods…Ranjha…I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's never happened like this before."
She looked questioningly at me, arching one of her eyebrows. "Oh? What's wrong?"
"You…you…" My old nine-year-old voice rung in the air. "You were killed by the same man that killed me."
She paused and looked at me, her eyes glaring into mine. She finally pushed off my bed and crossed her arms. "Well, if you're just going to sit there and let me die…then I won't be your friend anymore."
"I can't control it." My avatar screamed.
She turned to face me. "Sithis poo! If you wanted to keep me alive, you could! You're dreaming of my death because you won't!"
Quaranir let the images fade. He smiled at me and said, "I think those speak for themselves. But…there is one more memory I'd like to dig up."
The smoke redeveloped into…me. I was standing on some tower next to…Bloodstain. "Because it's before my birth. I am willing to disobey the rules of the Psijics to bring people from the near past and the near future to help me in my time…but even I am unwilling to go back in time to change the past in a distinctive way. I may go back and help others do what they are doing and offer support, or even nudge toward something that will improve their time. But I will not change the past myself. Even so…" My avatar's eyes started tearing up. "I do not want to die like this. It does so much bad. Even if you fix it…I am still the cause. I can change it; we can stop it. This future never has to be so dark. And I don't have to die…not yet."
The smoke shifted over to me…again. The same young me that I kept seeing in my mind right before I died. The other me… the one I helped. The one I sent the note to. She was standing in front of a bound Fiirnar (the son I dated). "Fiirnar, your father would go to the ends of Tamriel to find me. If he knew I was here, he would destroy all of Skyrim just to make sure I'm dead."
"Yes, he would. I could totally believe that he would do something like that." Fiirnar nodded. "Which is why I can't let him know that you're still alive." He looked down at the ground. "The Aldmeri Dominion upholds peace above all. If my deranged father, who oversaw the destruction of the Imperial City, found out that his number one hit is still alive…the entire country of Skyrim would be burnt to the ground…just to sate his anger at a teenage blind girl that whopped his butt during the Aedra Wars. The damage that would follow his conquest to kill you would lead to too much unnecessary death. I can't let anyone do something so vile. Especially if it was only done so that one teenage girl who…captured my heart five years ago during a spring fling would die."
Finally Quaranir looked over at me. "There is just…one more thing I'd like you to hear." The smoke started to shift. I could see my father. He stood near a pile of rocks.
"You are right about one thing: I am just one man. That's all any of us are. We are just one person. That didn't stop Talos. That did not stop the Champion of Cyrodiil, the Nerevarine, nor anyone else who changed history. Every time our history demanded change or face annihilation…it was one person who stood up and took the attack head-on. It was that one person who weathered the storms, pushed others to fight alongside him. All it takes is one person to stand up when all the chips are down. When times are tough, one person is all it takes to fix history." My father called from the ground, screaming at something I could not yet see.
An image of Bloodstain flashed in my mind. He was standing in front of his army, standing right outside of Solitude. He was talking to a man dressed in shoddy armor. "So, you have your hope again. Has your bubble popped?"
The man shook his head. "No, it's not our bubble that's been popped. It's the Thalmor's. They lived each day thinking that they owned us, that we would just accept our fate. They forgot what happened when the Wild Elves controlled Cyrodiil, what man is capable of when push comes to shove." He looked back at the men and women forming up behind him. "Everyone here has realized what needs to be done. We need to get our lives back; to live the way we want, not the way elves dictate."
Just seeing Bloodstain in the same light as my father's speech… about one person being the change. Bloodstain was my one person. He was the change I wanted to take Skyrim back. And that was the moment his rebellion took real. It was when the people of Skyrim decided to fight back. It was also the very second his entire army fell to one massive magicka cannon blast, nearly wiping everyone out. Bloodstain survived and killed the Councilor in charge of Skyrim, crowning Vivian, and making her High Queen of Skyrim.
Quaranir let the smoke fade away. "That was your father, before he lost his soul to Alduin. You should know what he's like; you spent a lot of time around him after all."
I nodded. "Yeah, that was Daddy, alright."
"And Bloodstain… the person you chose to save the world, at the precipice of his greatest failure… and his greatest victory." Quaranir smiled. "Just right when you think you're about to lose… something comes along and saves you. And right when you're about to win… something comes along to remind you you're not invincible. Lessons to be learned. Right as you…" He pointed at me. "Were about to lose… you had a flicker of hope." He held out the note again. "Just like Bloodstain."
I started wondering what this was really about. I decided to roll my eyes. "And what's with the note? Are you just going to stand here for all eternity and taunt me with it?"
Quaranir nodded. "If it takes that long, yes. I have a point that I want to drive home and you do not understand the full meaning yet. Now, I know you found out that another you existed and affected your time-stream. Any questions about that?"
I nodded. "Yeah, who was she?"
"Your creation. You went back to a timeline and saved M'aiq and introduced yourself to your mother. That little thing… saved your mother. And that Cecilie grew up knowing of you! She wanted to repay your kindness so… she went back to the Aedra Wars… in a dreamwalk… and let's just say… she sacrificed her body for a certain Khajiit Monk… and fired off a bow to make it real. Her involvement with Babette became real… her echo forever reflected. Babette knew you because of her. It was her way of telling you… you can fight. You don't have to give up. And when it came time to face us… she told us to go fuck ourselves. When she completed her Psijic training, she told us that we were wrong and that she had to go fix the world. It was her duty since she knew what it would become." Quaranir offered the world that he held in his hand. When I didn't take it, he shrugged and gazed down at it. "That Cecilie existed in the parallel world that I hold in my hands. I've been watching her progress since she defied our orders. I watched her go back and help all her friends. She changed her fate. And… she managed to leak parts of her world into yours, at least in the parts that you were not actively participating in."
So, she was trying to help me? "Then… why didn't she come help me when I needed her most?"
Quaranir sighed heavily. "The rule of the soul is that you cannot exist in two spots at once. You cannot travel where you already are. She wanted so bad to come to your aid and protect you but…she was unable and resigned to wish you luck on your journey, instead."
"And…" I said. I had to admit, I was thrilled to hear that she was able to do it. To succeed where I failed, but…that did not help the fact that it still wasn't me that did it. "That's like me having a birthday and getting a spanking while my twin sister gets cake and presents. It's nice to see her getting a good life, but…that I still have a sore butt."
Quaranir actually laughed. "That's a good way to look at it. But…what if every you in existence were to become exactly the same. Be able to push the reset button at the end of their life and go back and fix it? Be the Cecilie that had the guts to defy us from the start."
"Be her? But… I can't. I'm just me. She's the other one." I'm so confused now.
Quaranir held up my note. "You didn't seem to think like that." He opened it up, smiling. "I rather liked this. Dear other Me, I know you have defied the Psijics. I know you want to save us from this fate. So, I have a plan. Go to another Cecilie's world, make sure she's born. Make sure she lives to be a teenager. And when it comes to escape this fate, when we know she has lived a full and great life, have her dream-walk back one day. To her own past, one that she lived through. When everyone is safe, and no one has died from this nightmare of ours. And… have her pick up a bow. And let her fire it to the heavens… forever locking us as one… all of us. Let us create a brand new world, one of our choosing. I don't care how many times we have to repeat this hell, one of us will eventually get it right. And when we do, that bow will make it fact for all of us, in each and every world. We'll defy this destiny of ours. But only if you help. Love… the weaker me."
"You took that from me though. She never got it." I was so torn up about it. That was my ultimate plan. Sure to come true.
Quaranir shook his head. "No… she gave it to me. She's doing it right now. And I've decided to back it up. And now…I've chosen you, Cecilie Battle-Born…to join the Phoenix Circle, an order that I'm a recruiter for. It is a group within the Psijic Monks that exist to help others reclaim their fates."
"What?" Phoenix Circle? What the heck is that?
"I will allow you to be resurrected. Your soul will pass from this timeline into another." Quaranir said with a small smile growing on his face.
I stood there. This….this was really happening? I was going to go back and what? Go die again and again? No, it was different. He was offering to give me a change to change all that. I had to be sure first. "What exactly are you talking about here? I go back and…what exactly?"
He shrugged. "You change your fate. And, no…before you ask, you will not just wake up as a baby and know what you already know. No, we have more…interesting ways of informing you. I will be your guide. As was before when you exited the portal and was harassed by me and my colleagues, this time it will only be me. And I will train you to become something else. Not a Psijic Monk but a Phoenix. And this position is not a one-time offer. This is for the rest of your lives. You may push the reset button every time you die. You may finally rest in peace when you've come across the life that you are willing to accept. And when you've found that perfect world… that perfect you… we'll let you fire that bow of yours. And it will forever be that way for all of you. But until then, you must keep going back and see if you can do it right the next rotation."
"But…that means that I'll just wake up to a dead mother an apathetic father again, won't it?" I asked. I had to know if I could change more than just my death.
He smiled. "It will take possibly three lives to fix all your mistakes. The first life will have to go back and be born from the same situations. That life will have to go back in time and fix your parents past. She will possibly still raise an army and be killed, or maybe she'll live to the end of her days. Maybe she'll accept fate as it was and move onto the afterlife. Perhaps not, though. If she decides to go back, it will be to new circumstances. The second life will be born from actual parents but I will have to show up and teach that life about what needs to be done. She will have to go prepare an army. That will save her life from being killed. After that, that Cecilie might finally move on and let you all rest in peace. If not, the cycle will repeat. Or perhaps that Cecilie will go back to the source of it all and kill Fiirnar. Perhaps it will happen sooner. But doing something like that would result in such a different life for everyone you knew. Nothing would be the same. If she didn't like that life, she could choose to not go back and kill Fiirnar at the beginning of the Aedra War. The possibilities are endless but they often only get better for everyone involved in that person's life."
"What about all the people that died? Are they going to reset like me?" I sure hope so.
He shrugged and gestured to all the floating worlds. "These worlds here are all different lives. There are billions and billions of them. Some of them involve you, some don't. The ones that do will accept you coming into them, but only at your birth. You'll be moving from world to world when you die and decide to try again. It's never the same one, but let me make this clear." He grabbed me by the shoulders. "What you do will permanently affect the next world you settle in. It will take the history of what you did to the past world and morph it accordingly. These worlds here are possibilities for change. You touch one and it will take the changes you made. Before you're born the history will play out as how you changed it. If you choose to leave upon death, your spirit will not stay in this world and you can never go back to it, nor will the spirits of your friends follow. But they will be affected in the next life that you choose to settle in. No, you'll be like a wanderer, looking for the right place to settle down. Until you find happiness, you can't stop. That is the price of being a Phoenix. But when you do accept your final resting place, you can never leave that world either. But then…you shouldn't care either way."
I nodded. "Ok, I think I understand. So, in a way, my friends will come with me."
He nodded. "They will know the stuff your previous lives did. Just like how Babette knew who you were before you were born. She already acknowledged the previous Cecilie who existed before you did. Well, every timeline has that knowledge now because of that dream-walk bow boundary breaking. She affected the change you could not. This Cecilie's path was an interesting one. In one life… she managed to fix everything she wanted to fix. Her second life would have been the one she could have dreamed for. If you had followed her example, you would be on your second life right now and you could have changed it so that you would be born to normal parents, but since your spirit hasn't done this…you cannot take credit for what another you has done. You will have to follow her path…almost exactly if you want to win in the long run. I can share with you her memories… and through her example, I feel like you stand a chance at a happy ending. Not only for you, but for your family and friends. For everyone involved in your life. Are you ready to begin?"
I stood there for a second. This was it! My rebellion had begun.
I nodded to him, and Quaranir pulled another world out from behind his back. He stuck his hand out, offering it to me. "All you have to do is touch this world and will yourself to be given…another chance."
I reached out to the world. I could just turn around and go to my afterlife. I could be happy with everyone laugh about how I was right and how they were wrong. But…something stopped me. I…I could make this better. I knew I could. We deserved a real chance to defeat this darkness. Bloodstain, I know you would do the same. Everyone in my family would do it without thinking twice. Why should I be the one to reject this wonderful offer? I touched the orb and pushed my will into it. "Give me…another chance!" I'm coming, Mother. I'm coming, Dad.
Cearbhail:
I know I normally don't do this, but I'm going to share something personal about me. When I first started writing, it was because I suffered from a lot of suicidal thoughts and whatnot. I joined the Army with the soul thought of dying in battle or something like that. And I had to deal with those thoughts every day or so ever since I was a child. I never told anyone about them; I knew it wasn't normal. So.. I had to find a way to channel those thoughts, escape them. Reading was my medium. Writing was my cure. I threw myself into creating new worlds, new people. I thought that... If I decided to kill myself, then at least I would leave something that was part of me on this world. A piece of my soul... like a horcrux... kind of.
And as I started writing in Fanfiction... I did it for me. It was going to be my legacy. And as I did it, I found myself feeling better. And then... one day I received a message or a review. Someone who was dealing with suicidal thoughts found my Fanfiction... and they were saying how they always felt better after reading one of my newest chapters. And that's when this no longer became about me. I realized that my calling, whether it is or not, is to write to help those like me. So, I put everything into doing this. And I don't plan on stopping. I still deal with these crappy thoughts from time to time, but at least I haven't succumbed to my own fate. The Cecilie in this story was actually based off of me the whole time. The creation of Cecilie was my own reflection. A person doomed to their nightmares... nightly terrors, watching family and friends dying before her... and knowing that one day I'd give into my own darkness and give into the fate that awaited me. Changing Fates was always more than just a story for me. It was a goal.
Sorry for telling you all this. But... as you read these stories, keep it in mind that I'm not the only one that suffers. There are a lot of us, and it takes all of us to make this world worth living in.
