*A.N – sorry if it's a bit short, I just didn't want to ramble to much.
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Beckaa x*

Her hair rippled in the wind, her hand reached out to me and I tried to grasp it, I pushed every single one of my fingers forward with all of my might, but I couldn't reach her, her closed eyes snapped open and I became entranced by her beauty, when she turned her body to face me, all I wanted was to do was hold her, but I couldn't reach her, her lips puckered, and tears began to form in the corners of her eyes, she shouted my name, over and over, I tried to shout back, begging her to wait for me, but I couldn't speak, and then as suddenly as she had appeared she turned her head, then her arm was pulled back to her body, her hands closing into fists, her whole body turned from me, and began to walk away, then run, and then she was gone.

I was finally able to scream her name, and I suddenly realised that I was in my bare bed, the covers were sprawled across my bedroom floor, and just as I turned my groggy head towards my alarm clock, it began to beep, my hand smacked down on top of it, quickly turning it off. The digital numbers were still jumbled and I waited for my eyes to focus to read the numbers, it was 7:30, if I wanted to get to my parents before Alice found me I would have to get up now, and I just couldn't stand another one of her , "let's dress up Edward games", so I staggered into the bathroom, brushing my teeth, shaving, showering and covering the purple rings which had encircled my eyes for the last 3 years with concealer, my deepest darkest secret was the ownage of that particular item, so when I was finished with it, I carefully stashed it back into an unused pipe.

Finshing towel drying my hair, I stuck on an old record, in my multi use, old fashioned stereo.
The second the music started, I sighed in relief, hearing Debussy's masterpeices was the only thing which was really able to calm my nerves after a night full on twisting and turning and running after the woman I loved.

In the three years since I was unable to see her, I not escaped one night without these agonising nightmares. It was always the same, her name wouldn't ever escape my lips until I had woken up. I would never feel her touch, I could never hold her in my arms.

When I had been first told that I couldn't see her, I had kept in the apartment for weeks, leaving only to pick up some food from the shop around the corner, it seemed for a while that my only comfort was in reliving the moment when I had her in my arms, yet that moment was also painful as that was the moment when I really lost her. For about a year I was so confused as to what to do, how to handle it and then I began to hear her voice when I dreamed about her, the nightmares were just as painful as before, but at least when I woke up I could remember that voice, so now I have a little routine worked out it goes something like this:

Wake up shouting.

Have a shower and play her voice over and over in my mind.

Cover the circles around my eyes.

Play Claude Debussy, Reverie and Clair de lune to calm me.

And then get on with the rest of the day.

Even I admit that it's completely sad and stupid that I do that everyday, but it's how I get through life without her.

Even thinking her name was becoming to much while I was awake. I had hardly even known her, yet my whole heart was given to her the day I first met her, I would have taken it back if I could, I mean, why should I live life like this, I don't think I'll ever be able to love again and I'm only twenty four years old, but the whole giving your heart away was completely involuntary, she stole it really. Somehow, I can never hold it against her, it clearly wasn't her fault she took my heart, and now nothing will ever stop me from missing her every second of the day.

I have such a sad, monotonous life and I admit it, sometimes music would break the barrier between me and the world, but only now and again, that's how I chose to teach music, I couldn't stick university into my "timetable", I couldn't do it again knowing that I would have to do something that no matter how many people I saved, wouldn't save her, effectively stopping my medical career in its tracks, so I started tutoring kids in music , teaching music in my own home, then I was approached by a junior highschool and I soon had 4 hours a day training young musicians, and getting highly paid for it too.

I think everyone around me believes me to be happy and single, it's true, I would rather stay single, but I'm not happy and haven't been for a long time. The show I put on for my family is a thing that I somethimes enjoy and somtimes hate, I enjoy joking around with them, watching movies with them on movie nights, but I hate being so cut of from them, knowing that whatever they think I'm feeling they're wrong, knowing that they're never truly in tune with me.

I've be cut of from the world so long now that it's just my little schedule, my own feelings only ever reveal themselves early in the morning when I'm waking up screaming, or late at night when I lay awake for hours.

She is the cause of this, but it was never her fault.

I pulled on a good pair of jeans for Alice's sake, a black v-neck and a green hoodie which Alice had picked out for me, I wonder sometimes why I give into her pleads to buy most of my clothes and then I realised that if I bought my own clothes, I'd have one pair of jeans, one pair of shoes, one top, and the only thing I 'd have more than one pair of is boxers, and that's only because they're easier to buy in packs.

I grabbed a banana and quickly munched it as I got the elevator down to my car, I hopped into my swift silver volvo and started the engine, I drive at least ten mph higher than the speed limit so I reached 90 quickly and sprinted off towards my parents house.

When I arrived everyone was sitting in the kitchen munching down Breakfast, by everyone I mean my parents, Alice & Jasper, Emmett & Rosalie and my cousin Tanya.

A chorus of happy birthday erupted from the kitchen table and I inwardly groaned at the fuss they had made, a huge cake with a picture of my face printed on it sat on the kitchen counter.

"You didn't have to do this," I muttered when they'd finished singing.

"Nonsense, darling, and anyway, we couldn't stop Alice another year. I'm sorry to inform you that you will be having a party tonight," my mother giggled as Alice's face spread into a mischevious grin.

"Edward," she moaned as I began to protest. "You've used countless excuses for the past 5 years and I'm not letting you get away with it again, everyone backed me up this year, they've all helped."

They all winced in turn as I turned my futile glance onto them.

"I don't see how you get any enjoyment out of making my life a misery."

"Oh cheer up, Alice has some hot girls coming to your party, so you can't really complain." Emmett laughed, little did he know that was just another reason to try to get out of it.

"I just don't see why you bother."

Alice's bottom lip began to tremble as her smile fell from her face, "I'm sorry Edward, I was just trying to do somthing nice for your birthday, and you've not had the best of times lately, so I thought this would cheer you up."

I could feel the water works coming so I backed down. "Fine, you can throw me a party." I huffed.

Her face sprang into a smile and she began to give me the details.

The door bell rang loudly and Alice jumped from her seat, almost squealing into the kitchen, "That's the guests arriving, we'll need to lay out the buffet soon." As she walked by me she grabbed my hand and pulled me along the hallway, she had surprising strength... for a pixie.

As the guests began to pile into the large living room, I decided to go and speak to my dad, our relationship was on very good grounds, and had been ever since the accident, I was making my way up to his room when he walked downstairs.

"I can't believe you allowed this torture to commence," I joked, while asking the question I was quite serious about.

"Actually, I saved you from the worst part, she was going to set you up on a date with one of the girls from her class at University, I stopped her at that, I reeled her into only her roommate and her roommates partner, I didn't think you'd want a date forced in your face, especially by Alice."

"Okay, fair enough, thanks."

"No bother son, " he brushed of the compliment and then redirected me back into the our living room, now sporting a disco ball and blaring with new music.

I decided to go over to Alice and thank her for the party, she really was trying to make my life better, I had a sneaking suspicion that she realised I wasn't completely right. My eyes scanned the room for the tiny form of my sister, she shouted my name from somewhere behind me, I scanned the group of people behin me for my sister – Emmett, Rosalie, Tanya, Jasper –

It couldn't be.

My eyes searched the back of her head down to her toes, I would know that person anywhere.

I saw her everynight.

Her hair was a deep mahogany. Her head tilted backwards slightly, laughing at one of Emmett's outbursts.

My knees began to buckle, "Bella..." I whispered as my vision blurred, pure agony ripped through my body when the name escaped my lips, I couldn't hope, I couldn't go throught that again, my eyes were slipping closed and my legs were failing me, I saw Alice's happy face change to shock as my body began to fall to the floor.

When I opened my eyes again it was to see my sister with her back to me having a discussion with Jasper, the music was now muffled and I realised I was in my own bedroom.

I began to think up excuses for my embarrasing hallucination when I caught a pair of eyes with mine, my whole body jumped with shock, the feelings that surged through my body were so strong, blissfulness swept through me, my hand reached out to her, my head rolling with dizzyness at sitting up so quick, my eyes stayed locked with hers, the chocolate brown irises better than I had ever been able to imagine or remember them, her eyes betrayed her shock as she leaned forward, her fingertips brushed mine and the electric pulse which had first led me to her hit. Contentment filled every single bone in my body.

"Edward?"