Notes: If you're curious, we will be seeing more of Taure in Arrows and Apples. Eventually. XD Also, his name means 'Forest' in Sindarin elvish from Jrr Tolkien's works.


Chapter Three: Acceptance


When Loki awoke some time later, it was to Taure lightly shaking his shoulder. It was early evening as he could tell by the breathtaking sunset visible through the enormous arched window on the far side of the room. He looked up at Taure blearily, wishing he could have just let him sleep until morning. Rest unmarred by nightmares was something Loki got precious little of.

"Come, supper will be ready soon." The healer said simply. "It is very important for you to have a balanced diet." Grumbling to himself, Loki followed him out into the living area of his study. It was just as he remembered. Neatly stocked bookcases dominated the wall space and the second floor was nothing but rows of shelves containing ancient tomes. If he looked, Loki knew that every book, scroll and sheet of parchment would be numbered and carefully stored. Taure was mindlessly obsessive about order and structure. And so was Loki, even with being called the God of Chaos.

They sat at the large ornate oak table in the center of the study. Dejectedly, Loki picked at his food with his utensils. He just didn't feel like eating. If anything, he felt like vomiting. Which was a shame, because he rather liked the food here. The elves preferred diets rich in vegetables instead of revolting half-raw slabs of meat like the Aesir. He pushed the plate away. Taure was absorbed in a book he was reading and didn't notice. Slowly, Loki stood and went to go lie down again.

"You need to eat." Taure said firmly, without looking away from his book or moving an inch. Some things never changed, Loki noted. He sighed and scooted back into his chair.

"I am not sure I can." The Aesir replied, putting the plate of steamed vegetables back in front of him.

"Nausea?" The healer asked, still not looking up from his book. Yes, indeed, some things never changed – especially not Taure's ability to multitask that would have been the envy of every handmaiden and servant in Asgard. Loki nodded mutely at the question and Taure set the book aside. "I believe you know the cure for that."

"Mint tea?" Loki said, after having to think about for far longer than he would like to admit. But really, when had he actually needed to know?

"Hm." Taure muttered, making eye contact. "I see we might as well revisit some of your past training while you are under my care. It appears that you may benefit from it. If nothing else it will pass the time." Loki looked away, shamefaced. Taure never lost his composure, he never got angry and he never, Norns forbid, raised his voice. Oh, but he knew just which buttons to push make even a king squirm with guilt.

"I will make tea." Loki said shortly and put a pot of water in the fire to boil. He knew the statement was Taure's way of saying he would not be spending his time moping around in bed. In other words, he was perfectly capable of seeing to his own needs and would not be waited on like a spoiled princess – unless he was really feeling too sick to do anything himself. Taure would never abide by idleness, after all. Loki should have expected, or at least remembered that. Still, he was grateful. He knew the old elf wouldn't just let him sit there and feel sorry for himself. If he kept busy 'revisiting his studies' perhaps it could keep his mind off the morass of negative emotions within.

Loki was a little impressed with himself that he found the mint without any trouble. Of course, Taure kept everything immaculately organized but it had been centuries since he set foot in the study. It was kind of amusing that almost everything was in exactly the same place as it had been so long ago. He added the leaves to the water and waited for it to boil. Carefully, he poured the hot liquid into a teacup and rejoined Taure at the table.

"Wait for it to cool and sip it slowly." Taure instructed, his attention back on the book he was reading before. Loki stared down into the cup much the same way he had while speaking with his mother the afternoon before trying to lure Svadlifari away from the city walls back in Asgard. "It will be good for the morning sickness, too." Loki only grunted in reply. Taure finally marked his page and set the book aside, giving Loki his undivided attention.

"I was thinking, how will the child be born?" Loki asked, wincing. Childbirth, as he knew from witnessing it enough times in the past, was excruciatingly painful. And he wasn't exactly female.

"Can you shapeshift?" Taure asked, watching his expression carefully. The master healer knew when Loki was lying. He was the one single person Loki had ever encountered that had the ability to see through his lies with little to no effort. At first it had unnerved him, but over time he was glad that someone understood him in some way.

"No." Loki replied truthfully. "I noticed a few days ago that I could not. But I attributed it over-strain as I had been excessively working on learning new spells to distract myself from..." His voice trailed off and he pushed a piece of broccoli around his plate, forcing memories of the rape out of his mind. "But I have not recovered that ability, no. So I do not think I can change my form now."

"I see, I was afraid of that. It would have been easier to just have you take on a female form, but I don't think that's possible now." Taure pushed the book across the table to Loki. "You may want to read this, it is mostly about the physiology of shapeshifters. The passage I marked explains that after the point of conception, most shapeshifters lose the ability change. The body must be in a constant, balanced state while the child grows, and taking on a different form could harm it."

"I see. I changed back to this form right afterward. Perhaps conception occurred in the middle of transforming, and something was disrupted... Leading to apparently being female on the inside?" Loki commented, trying to wrap his head around it.

"Probably. I will have to have a good look at you after we eat and we can determine what happened." Taure explained as Loki sipped the tea. "As for your previous question, the child will probably have to cut out of you when the time comes. Loki choked on the tea and coughed. Oh, that didn't sound painful at all. Not a bit.

"That... does not conjure a pleasant image." He mumbled, thankful the tea was slowly getting rid of the nausea or he probably would have retched.

"No, but probably much easier on you than natural birth in a female form. You will, most unfortunately, still need to be conscious for the procedure." Taure replied thoughtfully. Loki forced himself to eat some of his food to keep Taure from hounding him. He would too, he knew it. Either way, he didn't say anything else. He knew he was in good hands – the best, really. But that all didn't bear thinking about. Not yet, anyway. He didn't need to work himself into a nervous wreck over something that was months away.

After they finished eating, Loki lay in his bed and allowed Taure to properly examine him. Unlike his mother's healer, Taure's touches were light and precise. There was no unnecessary prodding and nothing particularly awkward about it. He asked Loki a series of questions about his overall physical state which he answered to the best of his ability. Things like when the morning sickness started, and if noticed anything else out of the ordinary. He noticed nothing, of course. But he might have if he hadn't been so emotionally unstable afterward. Taure came to a diagnosis easily enough.

"I do believe your theory was correct. Due to an incomplete transformation, it would seem that you are possessing of female reproductive organs on the inside, but you maintained your masculine appearance on the outside." Taure said in curious manner as he slid the covers over Loki. He snuggled into them and buried his face in the pillow. "Emotional scars need healing, too. If you want to talk in depth about what transpired, I will listen and tell your secrets to no one."


It was two days later when Loki finally broke down and decided to tell Taure the whole story. He started not with the giant and Svadlifari, but with the emissaries from Vanaheim that had raped him. As far as Loki knew, that was the real starting point. He felt defiled, he was angry and he had no one to turn to for comfort. His only hope, was to possibly please Odin by righting his mistake. Maybe then, he could find comfort in their praise. That, of course, only led to more pain.

Taure listened attentively, never once interrupting. And where Loki was so sure he would find scorn and derision, he found only concern.

"The Aesir are far too ignorant. They act as though these horrors do not occur, and treat those who suffer them as though they are deserving of such shame and pain." Taure said from his seat on the opposite side of the large oaken table when Loki finally finished speaking. "It does not make you less of a man to study magic. And your current situation... What right is it of theirs to judge things that they do not understand?" Loki was endlessly grateful for the old healer's support. Simply finding the will to talk about it had made it like a weight was lifted from his soul.

"What will become of the child?" Loki asked, uncertainly.

"That is your choice. There are many here would be willing to adopt it and teach it the way of the healers. Likely it will be a shapeshifter like you. Or, you could keep it and raise it. Whatever decision you make, do not hate your child. Hate the being that did this to you, and those that hurt you, but not the child. It was not it that caused this. Rather, he or she is no less a victim that you are." The master healer said almost enigmatically.

Loki hadn't thought of it that way, but it made sense. A bastard child born of a horse and an Aesir, what future would it have? He would keep it, he would have to. Who else but it's mother would understand how it felt to be shunned – to be different? If this child was going to have a life worth living, Loki would have to accept it and raise it himself. Maybe he had no idea how to care for a child, but he was sure that his mother, Frigga, would help him in any way she could. He could just tell the rest of them that he found the child left to die somewhere. He was a good enough liar to make them believe it.

"I will keep it." Loki said hoarsely. Taure regarded him silently for a moment before speaking.

"I do think you will make an excellent father, or perhaps it should be mother?" Loki snorted and Taure gave him a rare smile. There was no mocking in his tone upon the word 'mother' like there might have been if were any of the Aesir speaking. And thinking about it, which was he? The mother, technically, but... Well, it wasn't like this happened all that often.


The next few weeks passed quickly, Loki fell into a comfortable routine of studying whatever topics Taure left for him. He hadn't forgotten as much as he had thought at first. Most of it came back to him relatively easily. They spent their mornings in the study, Loki with a cup of mint tea and Taure with chamomile. Well, usually. Some mornings consisted of lying in bed wishing he could just die while Taure sat with him until the sickness passed. In the afternoons he read through the medical texts and took notes of what Taure wanted him to remember. They shared dinner together, and then Loki would go to bed at a 'reasonable hour'. Taure did not allow him to stay up half the night as he needed all he rest he could get, and the elf noticed early on that the Aesir did not sleep well. It was only for fear of causing the child harm that Taure did not give Loki medicine to make him sleep. Though, after opening up and telling Taure of his emotional anguish, the nightmares became less somewhat less frequent.