Saturday
Seaborn-Lyman Residence – Charlottesville, VA – June 2031
Sam's POV
After the hardest call of my life, I've retreated to Josh's study on the ground floor I can't face our bedroom but I need to hang on to his lingering prescience. It's easy to believe that he's just left for a visit and that later I'll hear the door open and his "Sam!" His study is just as he left it a few weeks ago when he was taken ill. The room has a stunning view across the back of the house with its sweeping lawn and a glimpse of a lake in the distance. Josh had grand plans to turn his study into a library but as his health worsened he never carried out his plan.
I walk over to his desk which all his life which ever desk he's worked at is an untidy jumble of books, files and even more poignant is a post-it-note with "call Sam." How long it's been sitting there I don't know, but I trace my hand over his handwriting.
"Sam, give me a break! I don't think I'm gonna get out of the Senate till gone midnight and I just wanted to say hi!"
"I still think it's adorable!"
"The last one went cold!" I look up at the sound of Peter's voice and he stands in front of the desk with a mug of coffee. "I thought I'd find you in here!"
"Yeah, I...needed to...," I begin then fail to string a sentence together.
"I know!" Peter says softly. "It's almost as if he's still here."
There's never awkward silences between us Peter's one of my oldest friends and he just stands and sips his coffee and smiles at a picture of Jamie, Josh and I taken when Jamie was five and we'd just moved into our first joint house in Georgetown.
"Jamie's getting the next flight." I dully inform him, as my eyes follow his gaze and I attempt to take another drink but fail and put the mug down on the desk.
"OK."
"Alex...I...need to call Alex...I'd forgotten he's staying at the cottage." I say suddenly remembering Josh's former Press Secretary who arrived two days ago to visit us and has been left to his own devices as Josh's health meant he wasn't seeing anyone.
"I know, I called him and he's gonna stay down there, make some calls till you're ready for visitors."
"Thank you," I don't know what else to say.
"I'll go and unpack then. Usual room? Don't let that go cold."
I must look like one of those nodding dogs but the power of speech seems to have deserted me. Staring down I notice that it's Josh's mug that Peter has handed me. It's the dark blue mug with the Presidential seal and slightly chipped but Josh wouldn't let me throw away. It's a memento of his first day as Deputy Chief of Staff to Jed Bartlet. Hands trembling, under Peter's watchful gaze I pick the mug up and take a sip of the hot sweet coffee. A cell-phone bleeps in the pocket of my jeans I pull it out and go to answer it but Peter takes it from my hands.
"Peter Jameson, no, he's not..."
The rest of Peter's conversation becomes a rumble of words. It's just hit me, for the first time in 23 years, I'm all alone and all I can think about is when I knew Josh and I were on borrowed time.
Seaborn-Lyman Residence – Charlottesville, VA – January 2025
"Josh!" I drop my bags to the floor and call upstairs.
I know he's here, his agents are stationed outside. I would love to get rid of the protection detail, but unbelievably three years after the years after Josh left office we still get threats and were advised to advised to make use of the full ten years of protection we're entitled too. Josh insists he'll end it after five, but I can envisage us with their shadowy presence for the next seven years.
I know from the routine Josh has established that he's in the study, pretending to write. His book, a study on American modern political history is twenty chapters in and I know it's kicking his ass.
"Sam! I'm in here." He calls down from the landing.
I stomp my way upstairs, not even attempting to calm down. As I enter the room Josh shuts down his laptop and gets to his feet.
"Hey, sweetheart, how was the journey?"
I can tell he's trying to stave off the inevitable explosion.
"Don't you dare sweetheart me! I thought we were past this." I start to get into my stride of righteous indignation. "I could understand it to an extent when were in the White House, there was a certain inequality to our relationship, however much we tried to ignore it, but now...now it's just you and me and I won't be kept in the dark like this!"
"Sam, would you mind calming down and telling me just what you're pissed off at me about? I'd like to be sure before you start yelling again!"
Josh sits back down and I can see that despite his combative response he's wishing he could be anywhere but here talking to me.
"I call in to my office on the way home and I'm accosted by a reporter asking me why you're meeting a top cardiologist at GW."
"Sam I..." Josh starts.
But I am so wound up I don't hear him.
"Which is funny because for one thing you didn't have a doctor's appointment scheduled for another six months and for another your doctor is based at Georgetown, for reasons passing understanding when there's a perfectly good hospital just a few miles down the road! Thank you for making me look a complete fool, again, Josh!"
With the anger abated I flop onto the couch which is usually used as an extension of his bookshelves much to my dismay! But, it's currently tidy because I insisted on a cleaning frenzy, before I left to visit Jamie at Harvard.
"That wasn't my intention." He replies quietly, looking down at his hands.
"Josh, why is a reporter asking me about cardiologists at GW?" I sit forward expectantly; worry making its way to the surface as I know he very rarely goes to the doctor voluntarily.
"Probably because I met with one two weeks ago and then again yesterday. She's nice, you'd like her."
"Josh!" I growl at him, fed up with his diversion techniques.
"Sweetheart, I need you to sit there and I need you to listen, without interrupting or going off on one of your rants, OK?"
At the tone of his voice I get up and kneel in front of his chair and take his hands in mine.
"Josh, I won't say a word as long as you tell me everything."
"And I need you not to yell." At my look he smiles slightly. "OK, OK. You know I had that cough at night and I was getting breathless and tired. I asked around and Dr Andersen was recommended to me, apparently she's the next big thing in cardiology." He moves his hand to rest it against my cheek and I lean into it, three days away and I've missed him. "I have what's considered to be stage C heart failure."
"What are you talking about, you said you had the flu. You've jumped from that to heart failure!" I jump to my feet, shaking my head, believing he's gone way over the top with his assumption. "That's ridiculous."
"No, it's not. She's done all the tests Sam, an ECG, blood work everything. If I take the plethora of medication that she's given me and get some exercise, change my diet, there's no reason anything has to change, at least not for a long while yet."
"Why didn't you ask me to go with you? You obviously knew I would be out of town when you made the appointment." I'm trying so hard to control my anger because that's all I can let myself feel right now.
"If it was nothing I didn't want you worrying. You had that case and you wanted to see Jamie."
"I could have rescheduled my flight to see Jamie, and the case is nowhere near as important to me as you. I would have moved everything, you know that!" I've started pacing in an attempt to stop myself saying something to him I might regret.
"I do know that. If you want me to be honest I wanted to do this by myself. I love you Sam but you've been telling me to see a doctor for so long and I just needed to hear what she said and process it without you saying I told you so."
I look at him, unable to believe he actually said that, hurt that that's how he sees me, and suddenly I can't be in the same room or I'll say something that can't be taken back, "Go to hell Josh." With that I stalk from the room, slamming the door behind me.
"Well that's just great." I hear him say to himself as I walk away.
Two hours later, after much internal ranting and pacing I decide Josh and I have to start talking or this silence will rival some of our worst fights in the White House. Walking downstairs I stop and light a fire in the living room hoping the cosy atmosphere might help us to relax enough to talk properly without fighting. Getting up I head into the kitchen and find him sitting at the table half-heartedly eating one of the meals I had put in the freezer before I left, and he's reading the paper
"Josh, can we talk?" I've got to be the bigger person in this row and make the first move to patch things up.
"I was ready to talk two hours ago." He puts down the paper and his fork, pushing his plate away.
"I know, and I'm sorry but...why did you say I'd say I told you so...I don't understand, why would you think I'd do that?"
"You've been telling me to go to the doctor...ever since we left the White House you've been watching me, every cough, if I get tired you're on edge."
"Because I care about you...are you telling me you've felt ill since then? Josh!"
"No, I've been fine but the past few weeks I've been tired and coughing again so I thought I'd get it checked out."
"I just don't understand, you told me you had the flu, you assured me you'd be ok if I went to see Jamie. I just don't understand why you would exclude me like that."
I'm 60 years old and I swear I sound like a whiny child.
"For God's sake, Sam I didn't have the flu! Do you honestly think even I would go all the way into DC to see a cardiologist for the flu? I thought something was wrong like before when we got back together, and I wanted it checked out. You know I don't get on with the new guy at Georgetown, I wanted someone else." At that I get up again and start pacing.
"Why did you lie to me?"
"I didn't lie, I just didn't tell you every detail of my life."
"We're married, Josh! We've been married for 12 years coming up on 13, and you don't think I deserve to know when you feel ill and you think you might possibly need to undergo heart surgery again! You're unbelievable."
"I didn't want you to worry."
"Josh I've worried about you for 25 years now, ever since a bullet tore your chest apart and you put your hand through a damn window! It's what I do, because I love you. I love you more than anyone I've ever met and I'm not going to stop because you feel I should."
I shouldn't have brought up Rosslyn. It's something we silently agreed on years ago. He still suffers rare nightmares, and when it's mentioned it still affects him but I need him to understand how much this is affecting me. At my words he gets up and leaves the room. I follow him into the living room, glad I set the fire because he's shivering. When he stops he turns and faces me.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have mentioned Rosslyn but please will you tell me what's going on in your head right now because you're scaring me."
"I have heart failure, and I'm scaring you?" His voice is incredulous.
"Yes because you're deliberately trying to pick a fight with me, so that you can push me away and then feel self-righteous that I'm not there to take care of you. You did it then when we were just friends but you're sure as hell not going to do it now, so cut the crap!"
"I can't," He whispers from his seat on the sofa.
"Why?" I drop down beside him and take his hands in mine, rubbing them gently when I feel how cold they are.
"Because if I do, if I let you in, then I have to stop pretending that this isn't real."
That's when my heart breaks and I stare at him, not knowing what to say. My strong, sure, confident Josh is sitting in front of me shaking. I mentioned Rosslyn and I've not seen him like this since then. The whole time in the White House he more or less kept it together, especially when I didn't, but never did he get like this. I move my hands from his and put my arms around him pulling him to me gently, pressing soft kisses to his hair, willing him to calm down. The best thing I can do now is let him calm down, hold him close so he knows I'm here. My anger can wait.
"It's ok, darlin', everything is going to be ok."
"You're mad at me, aren't you?" He whispers.
"Yeah, but it doesn't matter. We'll talk about it, but not now. Now we're just going to sit here. Then when you're ready tell me about what the doctor said, ok?" Josh nods against me.
"How's Jamie, and Molly? Is Jamie freaking out yet?" He lifts his head from my shoulder.
"He's fine, Molly's doing great. Jan and Chris fly in, in a couple of weeks, they're fine. I told them we're just a phone call away."
"Good. Sweetheart, do you mind if we don't talk about the doctor tonight?"
"I need to know one thing? Did the doctor say if this has been made worse because of the stress of the Presidency? Could it have been happening that long?"
"She said that my medical history and probably the lifestyle and stress wouldn't have helped but she couldn't say for sure. She did say that some people don't have any contributing factors, it just happens. There's nothing we could have done." He takes my hand, "I really don't want to talk about this anymore, not tonight. I just want to be with you. I missed you."
"I missed you too darlin', we can talk tomorrow." I hesitated, I want to ask him, want reassurance but I find I can't voice my fears, the fear that had clouded the whole of our conversation since I got home; the same fear that has been in the back of my head ever since that night in May so many years ago.
"You want to go to bed darlin', you look exhausted."
Josh nods again so I gently move him so I can get up and I kiss him gently on the forehead.
"I'll be up in a minute." I promise.
After he's gone I take care of the fire, lock up, taking the opportunity to calm myself needing to keep myself together for him. When I enter our bedroom Josh is standing at his dresser, staring at a small white box, a glass of water in his hand. As I get closer I see it's a tablet organiser, labelled with days and times, and it's full. He throws his head back as he swallows the handful of pills and gulps back water.
"Much more and I'll rattle," he smiles when he sees me.
"Is that it for tonight?" I ask him as I pull my sweater over my head. I can't think about this tonight, I need to let it go. When he nods his head I walk over to him and kiss him sweetly on the lips.
"I missed you." I say softly.
"I missed you too, you don't know how much."
"I do. Want me to show you how much I missed you?" He raises an eyebrow. "Are you ok to..?" I tentatively ask. I hope to God the answer is yes, but, I'm not going to take any chances.
"God, Sam, things aren't that bad yet." He laughs.
I don't say another word; I just begin unbuttoning Josh's shirt. As I undo each button I press my lips to the revealed skin, paying special attention to the raised white line running down his chest and I hear his breathing hitch as I do. As I do that I'm busy pulling his shirt from his pants and push it from his shoulders. I rest my hand over his heart and let out a shuddering breath as his hand comes up to run through my hair.
"It's not going to stop," he whispers.
"Just checking." With that I resume my journey down his body, unbuckling his belt and unbuttoning his pants.
"You know I can undress myself."
"Never said you couldn't. Lie down."
He lies down on the bed and I free him from his pants and boxers before pulling off his socks. When he lies in front of me naked I take my time, drinking in the sight of him, leaner than he used to be, and not so toned, but still beautiful. When I'm sure he's watching I unbutton my own shirt, letting it fall to the floor and unbuttoning my jeans. He sits up and rests back on his elbows as I push my jeans to the floor and step out of them. When I'm also naked I join him on the bed.
"Josh, just tell me...did she say...I mean...?" I still can't articulate what I want to know but thankfully Josh can read me well enough to know what I want.
"You're not getting rid of me yet, sweetheart."
"That's all I needed to hear."
"Sam...I...not to sound too uncaring or selfish but do you think you could do something!"
I smirk at him before lowering my head and kissing him. After a few minutes, frustrated with my slow pace he rolled us over so that he was on top of me and smiled so that I forgot everything except him.
"Sam?"
"Yeah,"
I'm back in the present and Peter is back in the doorway with the phone in his hand.
"I'm sorry, but, that was Alex again, The..." He pauses to choose his words carefully. "News is out and you're about to get a call from the White House!"
I sigh, and Peter must have seen a look on my face, as it's well known that there is no love lost between Josh myself and the sitting President.
"You don't have to take it," He tells me as it rings.
"No I'll take it!" I say with a sigh as I take the phone from Peter. "Sam Seaborn,"
"Mr Seaborn," A receptionist's gentle voice comes over the line. "This is the White House, would you hold for President Jesson?"
"Of course." I say politely.
A few minutes later I hear the commanding voice of the sitting President comes across the line. I really have no axe to grind with him, not anymore, but Josh did. When we were first campaigning for the White House, Jesson was a low ranking Democrat Congressman. He was caught on an open mike in his district giving his opinions on a same sex couple raising a child in the White House. He wasn't the only politician to do this, but Josh took it more personally from him. His family had been friends with Jesson's for years and Josh had helped him with his campaign when he was still Deputy Chief of Staff as a favour to his parent's friends, believing him to be a good candidate. Years later when asked for a comment on Jesson on one of the Sunday shows about the Presidential race; Josh gave his very frank opinion which ruffled a few feathers, much to his delight, as well as refusing to help campaign for him. Whatever the opinions of our relationship, Josh was seen as a great President, his second term achieving more than we ever imagined and his opinion carried a fair amount of weight.
"Mr Seaborn, Sam, are you there?"
"Yes, I'm sorry, Mr President. What can I do for you?"
"I wanted to personally pass on mine and Lauren's condolences to you and your family. I know that President Lyman and I had our differences; but he was a great servant to the nation and it was a privilege to know him."
Ok, the man sounds sincere, but I can't help but compared to Josh and Jed Bartlet when they made these calls and somehow it seems fake.
"Well thank you. Please thank the First Lady for me won't you?"
He mumbles a few more platitudes before crying off with an appointment and I've never felt so relieved to end a phone call. Then I remember to be charitable as Josh used to dread such calls.
Seaborn & Associates – March 2015
"Sam Seaborn." I hit the speaker button as I attempt to make inroads into the paperwork mountain on my desk.
"Sam, it's me, I need you." Josh's voice sounds strange but I can't make out why over the speaker.
"I'm pretty busy, darlin'." As I speak I hear something on C-Span I have on in the background. "Hold on a sec."
"...we're just getting details of two army fatalities in Somalia, from what appears to be a mine explosion..."
"Oh Josh." I reassure him as I start to shove the files into my briefcase. It's the first military deaths of his term, the first time he'll have to make the dreaded call to the grieving families. "I'll be there as quick as I can."
Half an hour later, I stride in to the Oval Office from the portico. He's sitting at his desk, chair turned to face the window. "Josh?"
"Donna's bringing in the details." Josh swings round to face me and his face is pale. "God this is a weird thing to say but, how do I do this?"
"You've done it before, darlin', when you were in the Senate." I crouch in front of the chair and rest my hands on his knees. "Those troops were not sent out on your watch! " I try to reassure him.
"I've done nothing to bring them home!"
"Josh...you've hit the ground running and it's barely two months in office! I know you're very powerful now but even you have your limits." I see Donna hovering in the doorway. "Donna's here. Come on, I'll be right here." I get up and sit in the chair by the desk usually used by CJ as Josh takes the files from Donna. I take his free hand and grip it tightly as he picks up the phone.
"Mrs Shepherd, this is President Lyman. I'm so very sorry for your loss. Would you mind if we spoke for a while, and maybe you could tell me some more about your son."
It's not till after lunch where I've picked at a sandwich under Peter's watchful eye that we hear the crunch of tyres on the drive that signals the arrival of family and friends. Peter says that he'll let them in and I decide to go and change out of my jeans and old sweater that I've been wearing since last night. As I reach the first floor landing I stop by a large window and watch the procession of cars led by Jamie in a rental car come to a halt in front of the house.
"Now it begins," I say to myself as I watch Daniel Davis my former chief of staff, CJ Cregg, who flew in from LA only yesterday to visit Josh, and is staying by a nearby B&B, and Jamie, and Molly with my six year old granddaughter Claudia, in her arms, greet each with hugs and emotional embraces.
I head for the small sitting room next to the master bedroom that I've been using the past week, as Josh stubbornly refused to stay in hospital and our bedroom was filled with medical paraphernalia. The truth is although there is a sofabed in there I've spent most nights beside Josh in our bed, but my clothes and toiletries are in this room and I retreated in here most mornings when the nurse we hired was taking care of Josh. The simple task of choosing a clean set of clothes is beyond me. I stop at the door to the closet, my eyes closed for a moment as I try to banish from my mind the absurd but persistent thought that suddenly I'll wake up and Josh will be laughing as he always did when he caught me nodding off in the afternoon or over late night television. Meeting the sympathetic stares of friends and family and witnessing the shock and grief etched on the faces; I'll have to acknowledge that Josh has really gone.
TBC
