She could hear the gravel crunch underneath her shoes as she walked up the short drive to her grandmother's trailer home. She opened the door and her brother and father were inside on the couch. Her father was smoking cigarettes. Her brother was smoking weed. She wanted to know why her brother was there. He was homeless and needed to stay in one of the rooms. Her father had been dead now for five years. It was good to see him again. He never spoke in her dreams, he only looked at her with those calf eyes of his. He could talk to her that way and it was fine. She didn't want him to speak for fear of what bruises would come from his mouth. She walked to the very end of the trailer and there was an enormous room big enough for a bed she could share with her two children and another section to turn into a living room. She went back up the long dark hallway and went into the kitchen. Dishes overran the sink. Grease and God only knows what was burnt all over the oven and stove. Garbage was piled all over, in bags and out of bags. She looked through the cabinets for something to eat and found only melted popsicles. She would have to buy more popsicles. She passed her father and brother again as they sat silently on the sofa watching a television that was turned up entirely too loud. She went back down the hallway locking the windows to each room she passed. She came to the end room and began to imagine how she would set it up for her family. As she walked around the room the scene shifted and she was at the little door again. The door was bigger now and she could see scratches on the white paint as though someone had tried to break in. She opened it easily and went upstairs to her grandmother's secret room. She loved being in this room but never seemed to be able to stay in it long enough to find it's treasures and secrets. She once found a hidden compartment in a jewelry box here and inside found missing jewelry that she had misplaced since childhood. She noticed two twin beds in the room covered in thick quilts and dolls. She crept closer as a voice whispered "don't wake The Aunts up". It was him! It was her ghost. She turned around and felt his power around her. "You left me" was the only thing she could say through a soft, scared little voice that sounded too small to be her own. "I have haunted your dreams since you were a child. I will always be here. I will decide when you need me and when you don't. You will have me when I say you will. Only then". This was said in her head in a hushed voice that was not unkind and sent a thrill through her.
"Who are The Aunts?"
"They will die soon and then you may have all you see, but do not wake them up. They will be angry."
"Is this real? I cannot trust myself to know."
Suddenly her sex was filled with heat and desire she had never known. Her labia throbbed as she was jerked into mid-air and filled between her legs so much that she cried out in pain and pleasure. Her nipples ached to be touched, caressed, bitten. Desire overtook her so fully that she couldn't see through the tears that ran into her eyes and couldn't hear over her own gasps of ecstasy. Something strong gripped her buttocks and pressed hard at the hole between them. This intensified her pleasure to levels she had never imagined. She wanted to open herself completely. "Fill me up, please, oh, God, fill me with yourself", she moaned between sobs of ache and want and impatience. "Is this real?" he shouted at her. "Do you need more proof? I will always be here and you cannot will me away! Do you understand?"
"Yes"
"UNDERSTAND ME!", he shouted into her head as with one final thrust inside her body she shuddered and convulsed as the rapture of her orgasm brought her to tears of joy and fear. Fear that she was speaking to the most terrifying and beautiful creature she had ever imagined. Her body lay naked and trembling on a stone floor. She cried out for him. Where was her beautiful nightmare? She felt warm as a silky cloth enveloped her and warmed her. She could feel him within and wanted to fly. All she needed to do was think about flying and she was up. She wanted to see the ocean he had taken her to before. She flew into sunshine and could smell the salt air as she descended on a vast ocean. She landed on the white beach and walked it's sandy shores. She dove into the waves and swam out to sea in search of the beautiful animals she had seen before. She was alone. There were no giant creatures of the ocean to marvel at and no one to accompany her solitary swim. A small wooden boat rocked slowly on the waves. She swam to it and climbed in. Drifting. She lay down and felt his power leave her body as she drifted aimlessly in the deep blue water. "Look", he whispered. She propped her head lazily on the side of the boat to look out and was startled to find sharks circling her small vessel. "Please don't leave me here", she pleaded. Praying to him she waited to feel his power encompass her and it would not. "Return to me, please", she cried to the still air. She buried her face in her hands and cried. Her sobs rang out into the silent, silver dream sky; the silent green waves; the silent monsters circling beneath her. "Never sleep and you'll never die" he spoke into her ear as the shark's teeth broke the surface of the water. She awoke to her own shrieks of terror and a ringing in her ear.
The phone. The phone was ringing. Where the fuck was the phone. It was 8:30 in the morning on Saturday, who the hell was calling. She found the phone and picked it up after the last ring. She checked the ID and called her friend back. Could the kids stay another night? Sure. Fine. Be good. She rolled back over and faced the empty side of the bed where her husband would have been until he left for work this morning. He worked six days a week. What a man. A hard worker; a good provider. She was so lucky. That bastard never took off work long enough to look at her sideways much less long enough to take a long weekend with her and the kids or anything. What an asshole. Never sleep and you'll never die. The words played in her head as she remembered the fantastical dream she had last night, or maybe it was this morning. The sexuality of those dreams always consumed her thoughts, but now other thoughts were pushing the sex aside. She noticed her hands trembled slightly as she remembered the terror of the ghost leaving her to the sharks after making her feel so safe and loved and carefree. He had used her. He had controlled her. He had raped her and she had enjoyed it. He raped her. She gagged. How could she be raped in a dream? It was real though, real enough for her body to respond. She ran to the bathroom and threw up in the sink. Shaking, she looked into the mirror at her pale face. She had not been raped had she? She knew she had thought of it this way before, but not really thought about it. Before last night. Before, she was having a wet dream without meaning to. Last night she had been satisfied like never before but then had been left. Abandoned. Cruelly abandoned. She certainly wasn't bruised and had had no physical contact, even with herself, but she felt raped all the same. Stupid. How stupid. Raped in a dream. Stupid woman. She turned the hot water on and reached for a thick yellow washcloth.
Her husband came home at four o'clock. He worked shorter hours on Saturdays. She had put on loose cotton pants and a low cut t-shirt. She greeted him at the door and kissed his lips. How would he like it if she changed and he showered and they went out. They had the whole afternoon and the kids were staying the night again with their friends. They had the whole night to themselves. He needed to work on the fence around the yard. "Honey, you can work on the fence anytime", she gushed with a smile "we have a night to ourselves with no kids. I mean, c'mon how often does that happen? Never? Please, honey."
"I really want to get that fence done so we can get the goat. I'm excited about getting the goat babe. Sorry, maybe another time, but let me get this done today. OK?"
"Sure."
Anger rushed through her as she realized she had lost her husbands attentions to a goat fence. If it wasn't so fucking pathetic, it would be pretty funny. A Goddamned goat. She hoped the goat would put out when her husband started feeling frisky. If he started feeling frisky. Ever. Again. She went to her room and changed into cotton pajama pants and a short sleeved t-shirt. She sat on the made bed and reached for her novel. She opened it to the bookmark and read the same sentence six times. A tear fell on the corner of the book and she thought how romantically pathetic she would look now if only her husband would walk in at that precise moment and see the single tear she had cried over him on the page of the book. He never heard her cry though. He would never notice a single tear. He wouldn't notice if she stripped naked and ran screaming through the yard; unless maybe she tripped over the goat fence. Fucking goat. She came second to a fucking goat. She grabbed her cigarettes and went to the porch on the opposite side of the house from her husband. She called her mother and all of her friends and griped about what an idiot she had married. They all agreed on this one. Well, all but one who told her to help him out and see if he would take her out later. Meet him in the middle, her friend had advised. "Meet in the middle my ass", she scoffed, "the middle road was Goat Avenue way back there and it's going to meet Kiss My Ass Boulevard in a few short minutes". Her friend had laughed. She felt smug and liked it. She was smug and right. He was a goat loving asshole. A wrong goat loving asshole. She smiled in triumph to herself before going back inside. He came in and asked her to come help him with the fence. If they got done early, they might still be able to go out and do something. She looked at him with all the disgust she could muster and said "well, at least I'm only second to the goat, and you'll pencil me in for later if there's time". He sighed and walked back out the door. Never mind, he didn't need her. Good. She had never begged anyone for a date, and she wasn't going to start with him. Good. He wasn't going to take out someone with an attitude like hers.
He was such a good guy. She didn't deserve someone as good as him. He was an excellent father, had seen her through a massive stroke, had supported them all financially until her disability was finally approved – 3 years after her stroke – and he loved her no matter how ugly she was or how difficult she was. In all their years together she could count their fights on one hand. They just worked together and he was a good man. She'd be damned if she'd go help with that goat fence though. Maybe she would make him some ice water later. Probably not. He was such a jerk.
