A/N: DONE. As always, review, add to your alerts, or whatever it is you feel the need to do~

Next chapter will be up on Monday, June 4th!

As you may expect, John loves Sherlock. Not only does he love him, but he's in love with him, and deeply so. How Sherlock has not managed to find this out is a mystery beyond him, but he's grateful. Ever since the day at Angelo's when he learned that his flatmate is married to his work, John kept those sorts of feelings to himself. It was just too high of a risk to tell him. It would only lead to rejection and awkwardness, which would then eventually lead back to loneliness.

By no means is John a gay man. He loved women and their bodies and all they had to offer. He wanted to have children with a gorgeous woman who had red hair and green eyes and live in a nice house. When Sherlock came in, though, it all changed for him. It took him a bit to register that he fancied the consulting detective and when he did realize it, he did all he could to push it to the back of his mind. Besides, his parents already had one gay child, he didn't know if they could handle another. But as he thought more and more about it, he realized that no other attractive man he passed by ever got a second look from him. When Sherlock comes into a room, though, it's hard for him to take his eyes away for more than a few moments. He still fancies girls, quite a bit actually. However as soon as Sherlock comes into play, it's him. It's always him.

He's heard of this before, an exception to all rules. Why Sherlock Holmes of all people has to be his exception, he doesn't know. Some how, though, it feels right to him.

John loves (pretty much) everything about Sherlock. He loves the messy curls on his head that extended more towards his chin when he got out of the shower. He loves how his eyes see through every façade you throw at him. God, those eyes. Those eyes could bring any man to his knees. He loves the way Sherlock tells people they're wrong, and he loves how Sherlock can never admit that he's wrong. He loves the arrogance that surrounds him and just how sure of himself he is. He loves that Sherlock doesn't know how to interact with people on a normal standard and always manages to screw things up to some degree. He loves how much Sherlock knows and how he uses that knowledge to put the most complicated of things together. He loves the look Sherlock gets on his face when he realizes something or when he's just solved the riddles. He loves it when Sherlock gets bored (though not that much), and he loves it when Sherlock curls up in a ball on the couch and sulks for days on end. He loves when he wakes up in the middle of the night to hear the violin creeping up the stairs, the sweet notes that the taller male creates with every stroke of his bow.

It's also safe to say that John cares about Sherlock. He cares about this insane man so much that he's willing to do anything at the drop of a hat. It doesn't matter who he's with or what he's doing. If Sherlock needs him that badly, you can bet John will be there. It's cost him quite a bit of relationships, but to him it's fine because as long as he has Sherlock, life's okay and never boring. He cares about Sherlock enough to let things slide. He doesn't want to waste their time over petty arguments that Sherlock will outwit him in, and so he lets the other get away with a few things. He also cares about him so much that he's willing to kill for him. He's done it in the past, and he's willing to do it a hundred more times if it protects Sherlock. He's willing to put himself in danger. He yells at Sherlock repeatedly whenever Sherlock does almost get himself killed (which isn't often anymore) all because he cares so much about what happens to him.

John is also extremely terrified of Sherlock. He knows what this man is capable of and what his goddamn brother is capable of. He's terrified of the power that said man has over him. It's terrifying to think, even for a second, that one day John might not be enough anymore and Sherlock will kick him out. Sherlock has done so much for John, and if they were to part… John doesn't know what he'd do. He's terrified that Sherlock will one day face off against Moriarty and he might possibly die because Moriarty has powers that John hasn't even thought of. He's terrified that one day he won't be quick enough and Sherlock will be dead because he couldn't hurry. He's terrified of losing Sherlock in general.

All of these feelings towards that man kill John. It's not because he's ashamed or embarrassed about who has his heart, but because he can't do anything about it. Sherlock is married to his work, and these things are not his "area". This makes things extremely complicated for John, and in order to bear it even the slightest bit, he goes out with other women so they can, even for just a moment, distract him. It's really not easy, to be honest. They all seem to like him and want to get to know him more, and while he really does try to get interested in them, he always stops at a certain point. Yes, the women he goes out with are extremely beautiful and kind, but they aren't Sherlock. No one is. Yet he still kisses them and tries to take them to bed because every time he starts pulling away from them for the simple reason that he has the tall male on his mind, he gets the awful reminder that his feelings will never be returned. So, he takes those beautiful women out on other dates and, on some occasions, to bed.

And it absolutely kills him to be so fake and to be such a heartless, selfish player at the expenses of these women, who genuinely care about and like him. But he can't help it. He feels it's out of his control now, and it's absolutely terrifying.

So you can imagine his relief whenever his phone goes off and Sherlock's name appears. It's ruined a few (or more than a few) potential relationships, but when he thinks about it, he can't bring himself to care too much for it's the self-proclaimed sociopath that he wants. He can only hope those women will eventually forgive him for his selfishness.

It is because he loves, cares for, and is terrified of Sherlock that one day he decides that sometime soon he's going to tell Sherlock exactly how he feels. It's only fair that the detective knows how his blogger feels, no matter where it might take them. He can only hope that Sherlock will simply brush it off or delete it so they can continue on with a little less stress on John's shoulders.

But before he has the chance, Sherlock leaves him.