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Chapter 3: Losing Myself

Nick had arrived within minutes. Her had hugged Olivia tightly and for a moment they just stood there. She didn't cry or scream but instead focused on her breathing. Eventually as they pulled away from their embrace Olivia decide it was time to come clean. She told him all she had told her doctor as well as everything her doctor had told her. When she mentioned the tests he sighed and looked her deep in the eyes. She was comforted when he told her that it was probably just stress and that these tests were just a precaution. For a moment she almost believed him.

Nick flicked on the kettle and they sat down together on the couch. It was a comfortable quiet and everything seemed so peaceful considering the circumstances. Olivia watched Noah as he played on the floor and she smiled to herself every time he giggled. Then, suddenly without looking away from Noah she asked the one question Nick had been dreading.

"What if it's cancer Nick?" She almost whispered.

When he didn't answer she looked at him. Her eyes were glassy and they pleaded for answers. Nick didn't know what to say. He wished he could tell her that it was all going to be okay, but they both knew it was a lie. So instead he just shook his head and took her hand up in his. He squeezed it gently, and although Olivia had never been more scared in her life she squeezed it gently back.

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The tests were fairly simple. She had an MRI and a blood test and they tested her reaction times as well as her memory. She hadn't really done anything but at the end of the whole ordeal she had never felt more tired. She grabbed her stuff and thanked the doctors and nurses before exiting the hospital swiftly. She didn't have to wait long before Nick pulled up with a sleeping Noah in the back.

"Thanks for picking him up." She whispered gratefully.

Nick just nodded back at her and smiled. He could sense she didn't really want to talk about it. So they drove away as the rain began to drizzle down onto the darkening New York City. It was late as they arrived back at her apartment. Nick carried the sleeping Noah into her apartment as she held the door open for them. He gave her shoulder a small squeeze before going of into the night and leaving Olivia with her thoughts.

The apartment was cool. It would soon be winter and everybody was starting to prepare for the cold months ahead. Already, Olivia had brought Noah a cute pair of snow boots with a matching coat and she was holding out the hope that they would have the chance to play together in the snow.

She turned away from where she was standing and walked towards the window. The view wasn't great but unless you had a high price flat looking over Central Park you didn't really get good views, and Olivia couldn't afford that. Her breath clouded on the glass as she looked out over the city. The night was brilliant and although there weren't any stars the glimmering lights of the city more than made up for it. Even when the city was quiet it was loud. Even now she could hear car horns and other background noise, but she had been accustomed to this from the day she was born and the sound seemed to soothe her.

As she stared out into the night her mind began to wonder. She thought of her future and what life would be like for Noah if she wasn't around. She couldn't bear the thought of him going back into care, but there was nobody she could ask to love him like their own. Nick had kids of his own, and she couldn't burden him with Amanda or Fin. Then, something occurred to her that hadn't before. What if Noah forgot her? What if he didn't cry for her or didn't miss her? She couldn't bear the thought of her beautiful baby boy growing up with just a blurry memory of her, thinking she was just some women who had held him once. These thoughts seemed to rip her from the inside out and a fresh pain settled deep within her.

Olivia tried to shake these thoughts from her mind. She had just under a week to hear about her test results and until then she couldn't wallow in self pity. She had to carry on like she always carried on, with her head held high. This, is exactly what she intended to do. For the next week or so she tried to forget her own ailments and focus on her job, and it appeared to work as the squad whizzed through one case after another...

Then the dreaded day came. Olivia just wanted to hide. Most people wanted to find out about their test results as soon as possible, but not Olivia. If she could have had it her way she would never want to know. Sadly though the call from her doctor came quickly and when the phone rang she hesitated before picking it up.

"Sergeant Benson" she answered quick and curt.

"Hello Miss Benson. It's Doctor Williams here and I was just wondering when you are next free to talk about your test results?" He asked.

Olivia sighed. This wasn't looking good.

"Can we not discuss this over the phone?" she asked hopefully.

"I'm afraid it would be better to talk face to face and as soon as possible." He replied gravely

His tone made Olivia go cold as she mumbled a reply.

"Is three o'clock this afternoon okay?" She questioned...

Later that afternoon Olivia swung her coat on. She breezed through the squad room only stopping to brief the team on something and even then it took mere seconds. She was halfway down the corridor before she realised Nick had caught up with her. When she gave him a questioning look he just shrugged and said he was there if she needed support. Olivia rolled her eyes attempting to be light hearted, but she was grateful as she knew Nick had been worried about her when she told about her appointment earlier.

Their car ride was silent and tense and Olivia felt both glad it was over but nervous when it finished. She walked into the doctors surgery with Nick following her and the receptionist led her straight through. She didn't stop Nick when he followed her and sat down next to her in front of Doctor Williams, and she gripped his hand tightly when he placed it on hers. She had never been more glad he was with her.

The doctor looked sadly at Olivia before starting.

"Olivia, I'm afraid I've got some bad news."

The sentence made Olivia tense up and Nicks hand around hers felt it. He rubbed her shoulder gently, and the doctor continued.

"It appears that you are showing the first signs of early onset Alzheimer's disease..."

Olivia didn't make a sound. She felt Nick slump slightly beside her but her heart and mind were racing too much to notice. The rest of the doctors words were lost in a rush or her thoughts. Suddenly she realised that Noah wasn't going to forget her, she was going to forget him. She was going to forget everything she ever stood for. She was going to forget the good times and the bad. Elliot, William Lewis, Noah's adoption, her mothers abuse, and she didn't want to lose any of it. Not even the bad. The bad made her who she was just as much as the good. Everything hurt, and she didn't know if anything would ever be the same again.

She was briefly aware of nodding in certain places, and of Nick guiding her up and out of the doctors surgery. As they walked onto the street Nick engulfed her and in seconds her emotions came pouring out, but she didn't cry for her future, she cried for the past she was losing, her friends, her job. Above all of this though, she cried for Noah. She cried for Noah's future.

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