AUTHOR'S NOTE: hey guys! Brigadier General here. I just wanted to clarify the tunes of the following songs since some of them are kind of obscure. Here they are in order; "Hey There Delilah" (Plain White T's), "If you're into it" (Flight of the Conchords), "Rebecca" (South Park), and "We Go Together" (Greece). And if you don't get the last one on your own, you are beyond help. Also, the middle section gets really into obscure Australian Pop Culture. You might want to look up The Magic Pudding.

The Lieutenant General would like to let everyone know that she is extremely proud of that last line. She would also advise against searching for the Magic Pudding, because it reminds her of the side effects caused by acid. Lot's of tripping, not all the pretty colors.

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"Hey there New Zealand

What's it like in Auckland City

I'm out here shoveling dingo shit

Tonight you look so pretty

Yes you do

Dingo shit smells much more than you

I swear it's true"

Wait…I don't think she'll like being compared to dingo shit. Let's try again…

"New Zealand is so great

She really is first rate

Wanna take her on a date

And then up to my bedroom!"

Er…lets not be so obvious…crap!

Australia swore as he stepped in a rather fresh pile of dingo excrement. He was just getting the hang of it too.

"Everywhere I go I'm thinking of you, New Zealand

I don't know what to do, New Zealand

I really do enjoy meeting you at your book club

Even if it means you think I'm gay

But I'm not a homosexual, New Zealand

I think that you should sleep with me, New Zealand

New Zealand, I'm not a homosexual, I'm not gaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy"

Ugh I think the dingo fumes are getting to my head

"We go together like a vegemite sandwich and a bucket of shellfish

Together forever like Tom Cruise and that chick Nicole Kidman

Chang Chang…."

Australia's eyelids began to flutter

We go together…dingo…feces…

Australia awoke to a bright starry sky.

What happened? Have I really been out cold this whole time? Wait…something's not right. I'm moving?

Australia looked to his left and jumped as he realized that the ground was whooshing past him a thousand feet below. He was on a carpet. Australia pondered the sheer probability of passing out in dingo feces and waking up on a magic carpet. It was not looking good. The wind was whistling in his ears. It took him a while to realize that it wasn't the wind he was hearing. His heart leapt.

Could it be?

Australia slowly turned his head from the side of the carpet, and there she was. She was really there. Australia's heart soared, for sitting right next to him was none other than New Zealand. On a carpet. And she was singing. On a carpet. In the air. On a flying carpet. Australia couldn't quite wrap his head around the whole carpet business, but instinctively he knew that this was no time to be confused

"Unbelievable sky! Indescribable feeling.

Soaring, tumbling, free wheeling

Through an endless diamond sky

A whole new world"

New Zealand looked at him expectantly, but when he missed his cue and failed to answer, she went right along singing as if nothing had happened. Australia was crestfallen and became determined to do better next time.

"A hundred thousand things to see"

"Fuck land I'm on a carpet"

"I'm like a shooting star, I've come so far, I can't go back to where I used to be"

"What do I say?"

"Every turn a surprise"

"How did you make this damn thing fly?"

"Every moment red-letter"

As New Zealand continued to sing, Australia slipped back into his thoughts. He formed a plan after awkwardly belting out the last few lines of the duet. He was going to kiss her, tonight was the night. The song ended, and as the mysterious background music faded, he nonchalantly scooted to closer to where she sat.

Act cool, he thought as he leaned in. She was staring into his eyes dreamily. I can do this, I can…

The background music began to swell again. Australia paused.

What could this mean?

New Zealand threw her arms around him, sending Australia's testosterone levels to new heights.

Was she really supposed to get that close? What does this enthusiasm mean? Does she like me? She likes me!

Australia was so overcome with this realization that he was not prepared for the actual kiss. New Zealand quickly leaned in, throwing Australia's depth perception into a whorl of confusion. Australia slid back in shock. He clearly had not previously worked out the technicalities of snogging. Had his hormones not been raging, Australia probably would have grasped the relatively simple fact that sliding backwards on an airborne carpet was not the brightest of ideas.

Australia's face fell as he felt the floor disappear beneath him. He was filled with intense fear as he hurtled toward his inevitable destination. Australia did not know how far he was from the ground, but he was certainly not looking forward to his arrival. Fear turned to pain as he realized his failure as a male, and that pain was magnified as he saw New Zealand's smiling face lean over the carpet and wave.

Australia blacked out.

The first thing Australia noticed upon opening his eyes was the intense pain in the back of his skull.

The second thing Australia noticed was a horrible rancid smell.

The third thing Australia noticed was that he was lying in a large heap of fresh dingo excrement. The English language does not currently have enough expletives to exemplify the situation.

***

DAY 1:

Australia was pissed. Puzzled, but definitely pissed.

The previous day, after a long shower following the dingo shit incident, Australia had gone out and bought himself a box of Tim Tams to cheer himself up. He had placed the container of Tim Tams in the refrigerator so that he could eat them cold for breakfast.

Mmm cold biscuits…delicious!

But his hopes and dreams were crushed, as he found that the Tim Tams were no longer on the shelf. Australia stared bewildered at the place where the biscuits were supposed to be, eyeing them as if glaring would magically bring them back into existence.

Grandpa! Thought Australia angrily, He knew these were mine and he went and ate them anyway! Australia was half way up the stairs, irritably muttering to himself, before he realized that Grandpa had stayed out late with his motorcycle gang and was still asleep. He couldn't have eaten them.

"CLOSE THE FRIDGE DOOR YOU NINNY"

Australia sighed. He trudged back to the fridge and slammed the door shut.

"Hey!" shouted the voice in the fridge, "don't be so rough! I'm a delicate freaking flower in here!" Australia grimaced and grabbed his keys, he needed more Tim Tams.

Day 2:

Australia was pissed. Puzzled, but definitely pissed.

This time, Australia had printed his name in large black letters on the container holding his Tim Tams. In addition, he had placed them in the fridge very late and had gotten up extra early to enjoy his treat. They were gone again. Obviously, a different approach was in order. He closed the door and walked away full of purpose.

"Hey you!" said the voice in the fridge. Australia tried desperately to ignore it, but the voice would not be silenced.

"I know something you don't know." Now Australia was annoyed, but also intrigued. He turned around and yanked open the fridge door.

"Watchya lookin' for hotshot?" said the pudding sarcastically, "ooh what happened to your poor breakfast?"

"Oh Albert, you're back from England how splendid! Though I thought for sure he would have eaten you. England's got a taste for disgusting foods."

"Careful fruitcake," said Albert menacingly, "You know what? If you're going to say such mean things then I just won't tell you what you want to know."

"Fine fine," said Australia, giving in. Getting his Tim Tams was more important than tormenting a magical bowl of pudding, albeit an obnoxious one. There were a few long moments of awkward silence.

"Well," Australia prodded.

"Not so fast," said the pudding quite smugly, "first you've got to eat me." Australia watched as Albert transformed into a macadamia nut pudding before his eyes.

"Look," said Albert cheerily, "I made myself just the way you like. Extra nuts!" Australia stared at the detestable pudding in disgust. Then he closed the fridge door and walked away. His dignity was worth more than a few Tim Tams. As Australia was marching off, he muttered under his breath "strawberry with frilly frosting." A cry of horror came from within the fridge and Australia laughed.

Day 3:

Australia had a plan. It was a hastily thrown together plan, but a plan nonetheless. He was stalking the refrigerator. The previous day he had gone out to the store, bought twice as many Tim Tams than usual. He hurried home, poured the Tim Tams into the container, wrote his name upon it in large shiny letters, and placed it in the fridge. Australia then proceeded to hide under the table with a pair of unnecessary binoculars, waiting, until finally, as the sun was just about to rise, something stirred in the kitchen. Australia shook himself awake as the fridge creaked open.

"AHA!" Australia yelled triumphantly, hitting his head on the table as he scrambled towards the thief. The figure ran out of the kitchen door, Tim Tams in hand…no, in paw.

"Weren't you satisfied with the damn baby?" Australia shouted after his stolen biscuits.

Goddamn Dingoes.

***

Australia was sitting in the kitchen, happily munching on his usual breakfast of cornflakes and toast smeared with vegemite. He listened as the sound of Grandpa's motorcycle faded into the distance. The farther and farther away the sound became, the happier Australia was. His attention was drawn away from the vegemite, which was beginning to make his breath smell slightly disgusting, by the sound of footsteps tentatively stepping down the stairs. His brow furrowed in confusion….did Grandpa not just leave? Was he playing a trick? Did he slip something into Australia's cornflakes?

Australia eyed his cereal, overcome with intense paranoia. He shuddered at the awful memory of the illegal substance grandpa had slipped in to his tea the year before. Suddenly, Australia had the feeling he was no longer alone in the kitchen. He cautiously looked up. She wasn't much older than he was, and she was calmly looking around the room.

"Have you seen Abe?" she asked when her eyes finally fell on Australia. It was then that Australia had an epiphany.

I am having the greatest coma ever…possibly from the recreational drugs that I have unwillingly consumed. There are cornflakes, grandpa's gone, and there is a random hot chick, wearing practically nothing, standing before me in my kitchen.

"Excuse me," the girl asked a bit more forcefully, "where is Abe?"

His lips cracked into a smile as he inconspicuously eyed her chest through her almost translucent clothing, how could he help it? He consented that he probably could help admiring her great ass but…

He shook his head, realizing that he was staring.

"Are you looking for my Grandfather?" he said a bit disappointedly. The girl smiled widely.

"Abe has a grandson! He's so accomplished!" A dreamy look crossed her features. Australia was confused, but decided to continue the conversation.

"You know its funny," he said, "I didn't hear you come in the front door just now."

"That's because I spent the night here," She took the empty seat opposite Australia and helped herself to some cornflakes.

"But, we don't have a guestroom…" Australia stopped short, a sickening mental picture forming in his mind. Ew.

"So," Australia began gingerly, hoping his messed up thinking was just an after effect of the drugs, "Who exactly are you?"

"Fiji," said the older girl, "You know it's funny, Abe never mentioned a grandson last night." A mischievous smile played across her lips.

A look of blatant shock crossed his face as his disturbing mental image became reality. He blinked a few times, and then took what he hoped would be a deep, cleansing breath. Oxygen and cornflakes shot down Australia's windpipe. Fiji looked on calmly as Australia doubled over, clutching his throat.

Fiji drained her bowl of left over milk and placed it in the sink. She walked over to Australia's heaving frame. She took her time bending over and slapped Australia on the back with her palm. Australia cried out as the partially dissolved corn flake was jettisoned across the room. Exhausted, Australia collapsed on the floor.

Without looking back, Fiji walked up the stairs, leaving Australia sprawled out on the floor, staring up at the ceiling. At that exact moment, Australia heard the kitchen door open. Grandpa's face came into view, peering down at Australia and snickering.

Australia felt a pain in his side as Grandpa gave him a hearty kick.

"Oh crap, you're still alive." He then proceeded to walk up the stairs.

Australia felt acutely as if a bit of his soul had been torn out.