I do not own these characters or the story. All credit to the author and fsog.
True to Seattle, the weather has matched my mood these past five days. Violent, dreary, and sad. Its stormed violently right after Christian left and has been happening every day since. The sun hasn't come out since Saturday and I can't even say I miss it.
My life has turned from carefree to bleak in the matter of an hour on Saturday. I thought I was going to be fine, like all the times before, but I wasn't. My tears have matched the rain falling and my stomach has matched the storm. I've only had a few crackers here and there when I forced myself to eat. Other than that, I can't stomach the thought. I think my heart is broken. I wasn't aware I even had a heart anymore, but it's the only thing that explains the pain in my chest. The unbearable pain that radiates through my whole body.
I finish eating a few crackers and find myself back on the couch. It's been my place in between work and sleep. I can cuddle into my nook and turn on a true crime show that makes me forget the pain I feel.
A loud noise gains my attention. I realize that noise is coming from the front door. I look to the clock in the kitchen and notice it's close to 8 pm. Who would be here this late? I look through the peephole and the sight has me almost fainting. Christian Grey is standing on the other side. I contemplate if I should open the door or not. Who are you kidding, Ana? Open the damn door. I nod to my self conscious, check myself in the hallway mirror - I've looked worse - and following through with opening the door.
The sight of him alone has my heart beating quickly. His hair and clothes are partially wet. His designer suit is molded to his muscular body, but one thing sticks out. The chucks he is wearing on his feet stick out sorely. Why is he dressed like this? This is very unusual Christian style. My eyes meet his and determination shines brightly back at me.
"Can I come in? I'm getting soaked out here." His quiet voice asks.
"Oh, yes. Of course!" I move to make way for him and we stand awkwardly in the entry way.
"Christian…" I don't know what to say or do right now. He's in my house when I was positive I would never see him again. Not that I don't want to see him, but wouldn't it be easier not to? He picks up a small hand towel I accidentally left on the side table by the door.
"Do you mind?" He asks while positioning the towel on top of his head. A giggle escapes me but I quickly reign it in.
"I don't." I take in his clothes in better light now. He actually is pretty soaked from the rain. "Some of your clothes are still here. Let me grab something for you to change into." I offer and don't wait for him to respond before moving towards my room. I haven't even started to pack his clothes up. I've actually avoided looking at them at all. I find his pajama pants and his old Harvard shirt in my top drawer. I turn around to walk back out and stop in my tracks. Christian is standing in the doorway.
"You didn't pack my stuff up yet?" He asks with an unnamed emotion rising in his voice. I shake my head in confirmation, unable to find my voice. He stalks towards me like he approaching a frightened animal.
"Okay." His word catches me off guard. Okay? What's okay?
"What?" I ask confused.
"Okay. I'll be whatever you want me to be. If you want this to be just sex, it can be just sex. If you want more, it can be more. I won't pressure you into anything and I'll stop bringing up more." He says while tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. I'm still confused and his words make my head spin. What is he going on about?
I step away from him in hopes of distancing myself so I can think clearly. His scent is too intoxicating right now and I'm like a drug addict who hasn't had a fix in days.
"No, we can't do that. I won't let you do that. You're sacrificing your happiness and relationship with your best friend. I won't allow it." I tell him as I place his clothes on the bathroom counter and walk back into the bedroom. His face looks determined, but his eyes display his hurt.
"I'm not sacrificing anything. I want to be with you and I'll do whatever it takes to do that." He tells me and I'm immediately reminded of Luke's words. I can't do this to both of them.
"Then what? How long until you hold my relationship with Sawyer against us? How long until you start making comparisons?" I ask with a raise of my eyebrow. Christian is the insanely jealous type. If he blows up over the waiter smiling at me, how will he treat me when it's someone more personal?
"I won't." Comes his determined response. "I won't lie and say I don't have questions. Why don't you let me get all my questions out then I'll let it go." I shake my head at his eager try.
"Why would you want to fill your head with things you can't unknow?" I ask in disbelief.
"I would rather suffer knowing what happened between you two then always wondering. It will give me peace of mind about things." Christian says while stepping into the bathroom to change.
I sit down on the edge of my bed while I wait for him to change. My stomach starts to gurgle as the anxiety builds. I can't do this with him. We can't be together. Then why have you spent all week like a heartbroken fool? I squeeze my eyes shut and push that thought away.
"Hey." I open my eyes and Christian is now kneeling in front of me. I didn't even hear him come out of the bathroom. He pushes my legs apart and scoots in between them. He hands my hands gently as if he thinks I'll push him away. I just don't have the fight in me right now.
"What peace of mind are you looking for?" I ask picking up the conversation where we left off. I always forget how small I am compared to him. Even on his knees while I'm on the bed, he still sits almost even with me.
"I am only going to let you know after I get all of my questions out and I am going to ask all my questions if we get back together." He taps my nose and a giggle escapes me. It's his signature move when I ask too many inquisitive questions.
"God, I love that sound. I could listen to it on repeat every single day." His words cause my instant blush to appear.
"You'd get tired of it." I reply jokingly.
"See, here's the thing Ana. I wouldn't. I don't think I could ever tire of you. You are so beautiful, intelligent, hilarious, and you have a heart of gold. You make me laugh and continue to teach me new things about life every single day. You've opened my eyes to this whole new world of possibilities. I'm so thankful I met you and I'm blessed for the months we've had. Because they've been the best months of my life." I stare at him while he speaks. The conviction in his words and the look in his eyes lets me know he truly feels this way...about me. I'm once again dumbfounded by this handsome man.
"I can't give you what you want." Is my only response and it's even tiring to my own ears.
"You are all I want. I told you earlier I would take you anyway I can and I meant it." He squeezes my hands reassuringly.
"And when you want to get married or have kids? What happens?" I ask him truly curious.
"It'd be great to have those things one day, but I would only want them with you-" I cut him off mid-sentence.
"Exactly. What happens when you finally realize I can't give that to you? I keep trying to tell you that I don't want those things. The fact you want them makes us completely incompatible. Why don't you see that?" I shrug his hands away from my own as I jump up off the bed. My hands immediately find my hair and tug slightly as I run them through. I close my eyes as I feel the anxiety run through my veins.
"Ana." He calls my name but I don't open my eyes. "Ana, look at me. Please." Open your eyes Ana. Face this head on like you do everything else. I open my eyes to find him standing in front of me.
"I hear you, okay? I promise I hear you. You don't want marriage and children." I stare at him as he repeats my words. I know he knows this, but why can't he think about this in terms of the future? "Can I finish what I was saying before you cut me off earlier?" He asks with a smirk. I fight the urge to roll my eyes.
"Yes, go ahead." I give him the green light but he doesn't say anything. Instead he starts to look around my room. His eyes land on the bed and a smile falls on his face. He climbs up on the bed and positions himself against the headboard. He moves the pillows behind him and around him.
"Come here." He motions for me to get on the bed. I shake my head no at him. Aren't we in the middle of an argument or discussion? Whatever you want to seem this. "Ana, come here. Please." He holds his hand out this time.
"I'm not getting in bed with you while we discuss this. That always leads to things." I raise an eyebrow at him.
"I promise I won't start things until after we finish our conversation." He wiggles his eyebrows in suggestion and I do roll my eyes at that. This man has sex on the brain all the time. Hell, I'm just the same so I can't fault him on that.
"We aren't together, Christian. This is strictly talking." I tell him in warning of whatever thoughts he has right now.
"I know." His mood changes from playful to somber quickly at my reminder. "I promise, nothing sexual. I just want to be face to face with you and have you close to me." I take a moment to contemplate. I let out a small sigh of defeat and climb on the bed while taking his hand. I follow his lead and straddle him like he suggests. My legs are wrapped around his torso and his arms are anchoring me to him.
"I've missed you. I've missed having you in my arms and waking up to you." His voice catches on the emotion building up in his throat but he clears it away before it takes over. It's quiet for a few seconds as he waits for a response, but I don't offer one in this vulnerable moment. He nods his head before continuing his earlier words.
"I was saying earlier that I know you don't want those things. Love, marriage, babies. It would be great to have them one day, but I would only want them with you if you would ever want them. I'm okay not having those things because I only want you, Ana." He tells me softly. My eyes drift to my fingers in my lap. I'm so lost as to why he would give up his wants and needs for me.
"I just don't understand why you would do that." I tell him honestly.
"Because nothing else matters in my life besides you. I never thought I would fall in love before you. I never even thought of marriage and children. I have survived my whole life without wanting those things. I have no doubt I can survive the rest of my life too." I shake my head at his words.
"I still don't understand." His fingers tilt my chin up to look him in the eyes.
"Then let me prove it to you. Let's go back to the way things were and let me prove it to you."
"Christian, we can't go back. It's too complicated now." I tell him.
"It doesn't have to be." He negotiates. Unfortunately, this isn't a business deal.
"I slept with your best friend." His whole body tenses in response to my words. "See! You just tensed at that. This is way past complicated."
"Then let's start brand new. This doesn't have to be complicated. We can make this whatever you want it to be. I just meant let's go back to how things were between us." He pleads with me. I would love nothing more than to go back and forget all of this happened. I just don't see how that's possible now.
"Trust me, Ana. Just trust me, please." We stare at each other. Grey to blue. So many thoughts are swirling around in my head - how to handle this, to make Christian understand this won't work, and reminding me of all the horrendous things I've had to experience in my life. Yet, my mouth moves faster than my brain can process. My heart wins out for the first time in an incredibly long time and I can't process the shock.
"Okay." I say it so quietly I barely heard myself. Christian's eyes light up with an emotion I'm unfamiliar with. Tears begin to form in his eyes and he pulls me tight against him. Flush together we become one again. However, my brain finally catches up and begins to process what I just did.
"I won't let you down, Ana. I promise to show you that we can make this work. I won't let us fail." The sincerity in his words cause tears to form in my eyes. I push them away, still unable to show this man that side of me.
"I think we need to have the conversation about Luke sooner than later. That needs to be cleared out of the way so you can truly decide if you want to be with me." I tell him.
"Agreed. Let's start now." I roll my eyes at him and his eagerness to know every single detail about my past.
"I still don't think you should know. What happened to our past is our past rule?" I ask already knowing the answer. He questions me constantly about my past, but I've remained quiet in regards to it. I don't bring up his past, he shouldn't bring up mine.
"Peace of mind, Ana. Peace of mind." Is all he says in response to that.
"Fine." I agree with a huff.
"Can we start now?" He asks and I giggle in response. He can't help himself.
"I'm not ready just yet." I whisper while leaning into him.
"You're so beautiful." His words, however simple, cause my blush to ignite. He tucks a wild strand of hair behind my ear then let's his finger trace my jaw. His eyes flick between my mouth and eyes making his intention clear. He leans in carefully and I wait patiently for his lips to meet mine. When they do, the electric current I always feel with him intensifies through my body. The kiss is nothing like our normal kiss. It's soft, tender - as if he's taking his time with me. I pull away much to his disappointment, but I can't let this get too far in case he decides he wants to leave after our Luke talk.
"I think we may need something strong to sip on while we talk about this." I whisper against his ear as I slip off of his lap and head to the kitchen. I find wine in the fridge, but I'm looking for something stronger than that. I find the tequila in the banner next to the fridge and forgo the cups next to it. It's tequila and this conversation is about to be strong - no need for cups at this rate.
I enter the bedroom to find Christian in the same spot I left him in. I take a moment to study him and feel the heat emirate from more core. He's gorgeous, beautiful, delicious. He's intelligent, witty, funny. He wants me. Plain Ana who thinks books are cool.
"Tequila? Is it going to be that bad?" His face scrunches up and it's still the most handsome face ever. I crawl on the bed, propping myself up next to him. I don't think I should be in his face while he asks me questions about my sexual history with his best friend. I take a swig of tequila, unaffected by the taste and burn as it goes down, then pass it off to Christian. He takes a long pull from the bottle and grimaces after he swallows. I hide my smirk at his dislike of tequila.
"Where did you meet him?" He asks as soon as he finishes his large gulp.
"Germany." My reply is short and answers his question. There you go, Ana.
"Okay, if we do it your way it will just take longer and become irritating after a while." He passes the tequila with a raised eyebrow at me. Of course he wants the full details. I struggle with how to respond. I can either be short with my answers where he will ask a million questions with each answer or I can tell him details upfront. I don't know which one is better though. If he leads with questions and specifics, I won't tell him something he unconsciously doesn't want to know. "Ana, please." I look up at his pleading gray eyes and know I have to go with the second option. He won't make this easy on me if I don't. I take another quick swig of tequila before answering.
"We met in Germany one weekend. I was actually living in Italy for school. A few of my friends and I decided to take a trip to Germany. I've always been interested in World War II, so we decided to go visit some museums and landmarks. We were out one night at a local bar and ran into a group of Marines. My classmate Erin invited them to our table. Luke sat down next to me and we began to talk." I handoff the bottle to him and he grimaces before the bottle meets his lips. I have a feeling it's more about our story time than the drink.
"When did you first...sleep with him?" He asks going straight into the hard questions.
"The weekend after meeting him." Doesn't sound so good out loud, but I don't feel an ounce of shame. I turn my body so I can watch him and his reactions. I'll put a stop to this whole thing if I see him getting uneasy or upset. This isn't worth it. Peace of mind or not.
"In Germany?" He asks casually but I know he's reminding me of wanting to know specifics.
"No, Italy. Apparently they were stationed on a job near Milan so he was only about twenty minutes from my apartment there." I decide facing him isn't enough. I move so I'm physically facing him and I sit next to his knees. I grab the bottle from him and enjoy the burn this time before handing it back.
"He got your number the first night or…?" His eyes don't leave mine for one second and I continue to look into his as I answer.
"No. He asked and I blew him off." A smirk falls across Christian's lips but then it falls.
"Why did you blow him off?" Agitated, I huff in response.
"Christian, is that really important? How will knowing that help you with your peace of mind?" I respond tensely. I don't want to do this all night. I've never had to explain myself to anyone and I still can't believe I'm doing it now. But it's the look on his face that tells me this is important to him. He needs to work this out in his head in order for him to move on from it.
"It won't. I just was curious." He looks down at the bottle while his fingers trace the rim. I roll my eyes at him knowing he can't see me.
"I wasn't sleeping with anyone else at the time. That's what you want to know isn't it?" I raise my eyebrow at him this time and he looks thoroughly chided.
"So how did you see him again?" He smiles an apologetic smile before he takes a long swig from the bottle followed by a hiccup. I giggle at how cute it sounds and his smile brightens.
"My group of friends were out in the city that night enjoying dinner when Luke and his friends came to the same place to eat. Erin once again invited them to join us. We went to a club after that and I left with him that night." I wait for his reaction, but one doesn't come.
"Did you leave him the next morning too?" He asks with no malice and I've now figured out what's behind this. Christian needs to hear some sort of significance from me that he's different. He's not like the rest. He's waiting to hear a change in the story that proves he is better than all of them and that I changed for him. Isn't the fact we are sitting here proof enough?
"Christian…" His name is whispered between my lips. My hand finds one of his is solace. He holds the bottle for me to take instead of showing any emotion that lets me confirm what this is really about. I put my lips to the bottle and drink more than a shot of tequila. I then place it on the bedside table knowing we are both growing tipsy. Just tell him, Ana. Just give him what he needs to hear so this can be done.
"Yes, I left him the next morning and went back to my apartment without a second thought about him." He releases a breath of relief it seems.
"So how did you two become an item?" That term irks me and I realize I have no idea what Luke told him.
"We weren't an item Christian." My inner anger at having to explain myself seeps away and my need to end this takes over.
"That's not-" he begins and I know where he is going with that. I cut him off and let him know the truth.
"We weren't anything but friends who fucked, Christian. I told Luke I was only interested in a certain type of relationship. He said that's all he was after too." Honest but blunt.
"Sawyer said there were a bunch of romantic weekend getaways and dates. I don't think fuck buddies do romantic things together." He grits out through a clenched jaw.
"Christian, if he saw it as romantic then that's all on him. I never once led him to believe it was anything more than fucking. Yes, we went away for the weekends but it was mostly with our group of friends. Sure we grabbed dinner a few nights, but it wasn't romantic. It was food. Our friends didn't even know anything was going on between the two of us for the longest time because it was never anything more than friends." I let out a tiresome sigh.
"I want to do those things with you. Take you away for the weekend, explore every single inch of the earth with you. Now I can't." His pout is full on and I don't think I've ever seen anything sexier. Christian Grey's pout it epic.
"Why can't you?" He puts his head back against the headboard and closes his eyes.
"Because you've already done it with him." He exasperatedly explains as if I'm a child. I let him sulk for only a second before I speak.
"And? I don't understand why we can't do that." I need to hear him explain this out loud. I need to be able to show him that we are different than my past.
"It won't be the same. I want to experience all of those things with you first. I want to be the first one who sees you when your eyes catch sight of the Louvre for the first time or wake up with you with the Italian sun kissing your skin."
"So is it because I've experienced them with Luke or because I've experienced it at all?" I ask curiously. He hesitates. His mouth opening and closing once before he speaks.
"It's because…" He frowns as his words drift off.
"We can still do all of those things. Nothing is stopping us from doing whatever we want. We make our own experiences and memories. Don't let the fact I've experienced something at all be the reason we don't experience things together." He watches me as I talk. His brain letting each word sink in.
"Okay." He agrees without taking his eyes off of me. We are quiet for a moment, both looking at each other intently.
"Just promise me one thing and I can out this behind me. Behind us." His voice croaks as he speaks.
"What?" I ask with a small amount of defeat preparing itself in my stomach at what he could ask.
"Just promise me you didn't love him. I wouldn't make it if I found out later on that you lied to save my feelings." His voice is now a hushed whisper, his vulnerable side clear as day. I fight the smile threatening to appear on his lips. This I can give him.
"I promise. I never loved him and it wasn't anything more than what I told you earlier." I smile as I lean into his neck and press a soft kiss in one of his many spots. I can feel the tension in his body release and he sags against the headboard.
A yawn escapes both of us at the same time but mine is followed by a giggle.
"Let's go to bed. Our fresh start begins in the morning and I can't wait another minute until it arrives." He says while climbing out of bed and stripping to his chiseled birthday suit. I follow suit and we both crawl back into bed at the same time. He pulls me tightly to him, my head resting on his chest and his nose buried in my hair. I'm more exhausted than I realized as sleep quickly comes.
However, I hear him whisper "I love you" before falling into a deep sleep. For the first time, in a long time, I'm not freaked out by the words.
