Disclaimer: Ranma 1/2 does not belong to me. It´s Takahashi-sama´s
Warning: This will be yaoi fic, thus has rather explicit content and situations, strong language and male/male interaction. Also, this is a rather angsty fic, so don't expect the usual comedy from the canon.
If you feel offended, you can always hit the "back" button.
Close to his thirties, Ranma Saotome dives into the past to revisit his life and seek what he had lost.
OOO
OBS.: Fic formerly named as Brand – The Ranma Saotome's Memorial, deleted from my profile in FFnet to be revised and revisited, as the way it was before I got stuck and, frankly, reached a point I didn't know where to go. Many things have changed, however – but I hope whoever read this may have a good time.
This fic got a sister-fic which is supposed to be read together, named Where I end and you begin (The Day Tripper). It is a prequel and a sidestory to this one.
The title comes from "Where I end and you begin" from Radiohead; as the excerpts quoted on the prologue.
Then, on with the show.
Where I end and you begin
(The Midnight Cowboy)
Bid me farewell
"Stay...with the demons you drowned
Stay...with the spirit I found
Stay...and the night would be enough"
Stay – U2
~Ranma Saotome's journal – Second entry:
Past a couple days from the fight against the wizard and everything after that, Ryoga got better and eventually came to the Dojo for a visit. Sure he got a bit late – he wasn't crossing Japan while trying to find the Tendo Dojo anymore, but it didn't mean he couldn't mess up from time to time. The difference is he was getting lost only by a few blocks, not by a few cities. Anyway, I was aiming to avoid him like the damn plague, so I tried to stay out of his sight. If he'd noticed that I was avoiding him, he didn´t show. Come to think of it, seemed that he even felt more comfortable like that.
But then, a little before he left, he came to me for a talk.
"Ranma?"
I was at the dojo, training. I avoided his eyes.
"Yeah?"
"Are you busy?"
"Not right now." I replied, turning my back to him. "Whaddya want?"
"Wanted to say thank you…"
"Come on, it´s no big deal" I turned to face him, his eyes staring at me. I averted mine, I couldn't abide his gaze. Please, don´t let him notice.
"And I want to say I´m sorry"
"What for?"
"You know" He lowered his eyes; I could see he was uneasy. "I wasn´t exactly a nice person to you in all those years…"
"Yeah, neither was I, so…"
"Let me finish" He interrupted me. "I always blamed you for all the bad things that happened to me. Sure, some of them you were really the one to blame, but it was still unfair of me. I always pictured you as an honorless jerk, and spent a good part of those years we know each other trying to beat your ass up." I chuckled a little, but he went on. "Anyway, you had all the reasons to give a rat's ass to whatever could happen to me, and let me screw my life up all by myself. This last fight is a good example… But no, you butted into my fight and saved my life. It was really nice of you." He let out a breath, looked at me and went on. "Fact is, I was wrong about you. Sure sometimes you´re a jerk, but some other times you´re really a good person. And you don´t deserve the treatment I´ve been giving you…"
I remained quiet. I was supposed to feel fine, he was actually coming to good terms with me. But I wasn't feeling fine. Actually I felt like shit. Because there he was, trying to atone with me and… if he only knew what I tried to do to him, he would beat me dead.
"… and some of my actions towards you are really less than honorable."
I froze. What?
"Ranma, I´m going to tell Akane about P-chan."
"No."
He looked at me quizzically.
"Why not?"
"You don´t need to tell her that. Just don´t play P-chan again and it will be fine."
"You don´t understand. You know, she will eventually see me wet and meet my cursed form. It´s not fair to expect you to always cover my butt about that."
"But…"
"Look, I've been thinking about doing it for a while, and now time has finally come. Trust me, Ranma. I'll make it up for you. The only thing I ask of you is to let me talk to her alone. Okay?"
"Okay" I replied in a low voice. In other times it would be great, but right then I didn´t deserve that much.
He left the dojo, I was alone again. His scent, however, lingered in the room like a faint ghost who could beat me up in a way that any martial technique will never do. I kneeled at the floor, and realized how miserably I failed in keeping him out of my mind. He was branded in my mind like a tattoo on one´s skin. I could look away, but every time I faced it, it was there, exactly the same as the first time.
I was doomed. But nobody could know. It was my shame, mine only.
Ryoga really told Akane the whole story about P-chan. I thought she would go for the kill as soon as she found it out, but surprisingly she didn´t tried to murder him. Sure, she got mad, it took a while for her to forgive him, but she eventually did. And he kept his promise and saved my face about the whole story. As he finished this last mission, he gathered his things and parted to his home.
I was relieved. With him away, I could resume pretending that nothing happened. I tried my best. My best wasn´t working much.
I spent several days thinking about what I should do. I couldn´t let anyone know about this. I would disgrace my family, the Tendos, Akane, myself, even Ryoga would be caught in the fire. I couldn´t abide that.
One day, he came to the Dojo for a visit. Akane was still a little upset, but was willing to let it go. I kept my aim to avoid him as much as possible, and no way in hell I would spar with him. I kept myself out of sight by fleeing the Dojo at the very first opportunity I had. As I came back by sunset, I went directly to the roof… just to find him sitting there, looking pensive.
"Hey."
"Hey, Ryoga. Wat´cha doing?"
"Nothing, really" He had his gaze fixed upon the horizon, a blank expression on his face.
"Hum, what´s up?" I didn´t want to hear any answer, but I asked anyway. He opened his mouth, as if to say something, but remained silent.
Then I resumed my foot-in-the-mouth mode, maybe trying to keep some small talk.
"How´s Akari?"
"We broke up." The look on his face said it all, but he answered anyway.
"Oh, man, sorry for asking."
"No big deal."
"Uh, who did it?" Again my curiosity took the best out of me. Was he dumped by her?
"I did."
"Why?"
He did not answer that one. Instead, he took his gaze out of the horizon and fixed it on me. It was intense, his eyes more soulful than ever. I couldn't say what was inside of those eyes. I almost lost my edge and quickly regretted being there. And slowly he took his eyes out of me and stared again at nothing. I kept my mouth shut.
Thankfully, Kasumi broke the moment.
"Ryoga! Someone´s on the phone!"
He stood up and got out of the rooftop towards the living room to pick up the phone.
"Hello." He said with a flat voice. Some moments later, his eyes grew wide and he spoke: "Mom?"
Yeah, that was his mother.
Apparently, his parents finally got home at the same time and then, together, started to look for him. After finding where he was, they were coming here to pick him up. As they arrived, we all were introduced to Mr. and Mrs. Hibiki. Funniest thing is they seemed to have their directional curse completely fixed, with the aid of a GPS tracker Mr. Hibiki himself helped to develop. His father was a businessman, and they seemed to be a rather well-to-do family. After thanking the Tendos for their kindness towards their son, they demanded Ryoga to come with them.
I didn´t see him in a while, after our meeting with his parents. Not that I would mind, I was still avoiding him with all my might. Thanks to that, I missed the time he came back at the Dojo to another visit. I even remember Akane saying something about how he managed not to get lost anymore just like his parents, because of a GPS tracker he was now carrying everywhere.
But one day, while I was jumping over the rooftops to get somewhere, I got close to his house and saw a big truck at the door. I landed on the ground to check out what was going on, and found him at his yard packing things on some boxes.
"Yo, Ryoga!"
"Ranma? What are you doing here?"
"Uh, I saw this truck at your door and was wondering what´s up. Are you moving or something?"
"Yes." He lowered his eyes. I felt my heart pounding on my chest. "We're moving."
"Where to?"
"America."
I got speechless. What, United States of fucking America?
"When are you leaving?" My voice was a little hoarse. I felt a lump in my throat.
"Tomorrow." I was sure that, if he paid enough attention, he would see the blood draining out of my face. The prick was moving away from Nerima to the end of the world and wouldn´t tell anyone about it?
"Oh."
I should be wishing him good luck, being happy to see him join his parents again and try to live a normal family life for a change. But when I opened my mouth, something entirely different came out.
"Why didn´t you tell us?" By us, you'd understand me.
"I found it out myself only a couple days ago…" His tone was apologetic.
"I see." My voice was cold. I clenched my fists discreetly, doing my best to conceal the slight tremble on my hands.
And why the heck was I so worked up about it? Shouldn't I be happy? It was the perfect solution for my situation. I was free, he was leaving.
Might as well never see him again.
"Uh… you know, I´ll miss you guys." He said, his voice soft. I melted when I looked in his eyes, full of sorrow.
"Oh, man… y´know, there´s always the chance of you getting lost and end back here." He chuckled at my joke. He surely had a lovely smile.
"Screw you, Saotome." He said playfully, then jabbed my shoulder. "Wanna spar?"
I said nothing. I grabbed his arm and took him to the vacant lot close to his house. I was avoiding this for a while, but now it was different. It would be the last spar we´d have. I wanted that, needed that memory with me.
And we sparred, like we didn´t in a long time. He attacked, I dodged, I counterattacked, he blocked. His moves were strong and precise, concentrating his impressive strength. Mine were fluid, gracious, and the match was pretty much even. None of us was holding back. But, instead of the grim feeling that followed our other matches, this one was light, almost fun.
In the end both of us were panting by the heavy workout. He laid on the ground, I sat by his side. His hair was disheveled, his face sweaty, yet he looked stunning. The dim light of the sunset made his eyes almost golden. I felt a lump in my stomach.
I wouldn´t see this again in a long time.
"Hey… don´t you get soft, okay?" I said.
"You should talk…" His eyes were happy again. Then he looked serious. "But I won´t. Seriously."
"Let´s see. Next time we meet we´ll rematch."
"Sure thing."
He stood up, and helped me on my feet by grabbing my hand.
"Gotta get goin´, Ranma." He pulled me on a friendly embrace. I froze. His scent was there, mixed to the smell of sweat and earth. I should run away from it. But I returned the hug. He felt so warm, I wanted to disappear on his arms.
"Good luck, pal…" My voice was shaky. He got inside the house as I sprinted onto the rooftops. As I was going home, I felt fresh tears down my face; and when I arrived went straight to the bathroom, turned into a girl and cried myself to near dehydration.
So, Ryoga eventually said his goodbyes to the rest of the Nerima crew and then left. My life was supposed to be back on track, right?.
It didn't. I thought I would forget about all what happened eventually, but I was dead wrong. Much worse than his presence, this forbidden temptation over me, was his absence.
I missed everything about him. I missed his smell, his voice, his face. I even missed the feeling I had while I tried to avoid him. As bad as I wanted him far from me, I actually never wanted to see it fulfilled to the point of not seeing him again. I wanted to know that even if I didn´t want to be with him, he would be there, he would be close. Now he was too far away. The harder I tried to let him go, the worse it would get. My life became a slumber of utterly unimportant events.
In some time, my lack of interest in things was starting to show. Slowly, people started to notice, some earlier than others.
Back then, I used to remind a lot that episode concerning the fishing rod. Then, I was in love with him, yes. But it was a dumb, magical thing that would wipe your free will and turn you into a caricature of a person in love, and wasn't really real. Back then I didn't even consider the implications of those feelings; I even tried to hurt Akane while under its effect.
But what happened that day in the cave… it was completely different. Even in the whole koi rod shit I didn't have this revelation; even when I was seducing him inside his tent I wasn't really sexual about it. Yes, I was 'in love' and then 'obsessed', but that was magic, not… that what I felt after, neither it felt as… Dirty.
That was why I thought It was not love, it couldn't be. I mean, I used to think I loved Akane, for so many times I was sure I did. I wasn't anymore, because I knew I never felt about her the way I was feeling about him, and yet I felt dirty, soiled, because I felt lust for someone else than my fiancée... I lusted over a man. But how the hell was I supposed to feel like that about another guy? Ryoga, no less?
And the words of Ryoga when I was under the rod's spell… He said he'd rather drink sewage than be with me, he couldn't stand the sight of me. I was under a spell, but he wasn't. He wasn't. I was bewitched, but he was himself.
He wasn't a pervert, like me.
Yet, I couldn't escape from this… infatuation, lust, whatever. But it was so strong that overwhelmed me, and dulled my senses to anything else. Yet, I could tell it was wrong. I mean, even if what I felt was the so-called love… Things would only be worse, because no way in hell I could let it out. Because I couldn't abide to bring such dishonor to my family, to Akane and to him too. Even if he was single, moving to America; even if Akane was right all this time of calling me a pervert… The sense of oddity in this situation made me fight against it with all my will. But I was losing.
I spent nights and nights and nights thinking about it in the rooftop.
I had to do something; I had to fix it somehow. Then I decided what I had to do.
This decision was one of the biggest mistakes of my life.
OOO
To the footnotes and rambled reports:
Finally, again, Ranma's point of view about all the things happening around him. Not much to say, though. On the next chapter: His mistake, and the consequences.
Human Being, 02/05/2014
