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Chapter 3: Shiver (Coldplay)

So I look in your direction,

But you pay me no attention do you?

I know you don't listen to me,

'Cause you say you see straight through me, don't you?

But on and on, till the moment I wake, till the moment I sleep,

I'll be there by your side just you try and stop me,

I'll be waiting in line, just to see if you care,

My dream was very vivid that night. I was on the beach in La Push sitting underneath a dead white tree whose roots came up out of the ground and twisted about themselves with a very quiet kind of beauty. It was our tree- Jacob's my tree, the one we always sit under, and our very first meeting place- as adults anyway. I was alone just looking out to sea, crashing menacingly as the sky darkened and threatened to storm- the electricity was in the air and I felt the pressure rise. At that moment I looked up at the dangerous sky and the clouds were parted by a huge pillar of sunlight. However, instead of the sun, I saw the golden outline of an animal that, in turn, raised its head and howled a long, high note. Staring with a gaping mouth I abruptly gave a short cry of protest after a moment of awe, and I looked down and saw that my feet were on fire. But this pain seemed all too real to be a dream…

I instantly woke up and found that I was in my bed at home, and my feet were in fact on fire. Metaphorically. As I glanced down my face turned bright red and I saw that Jacob was at the foot of my bed, gently rubbing my feet with some kind of cloth. Instinctively I jerked my legs away and sat up, wrapping my arms around my knees.

"What are you doing?" I hissed.

He sighed and looked up at me, his face sarcastic and wearing a hard look in his eyes that did not suit him, "I was trying to clean your wounds." He tossed the cloth on the floor, "You were wondering around in bare feet."

I glanced down for the first time and grimaced as I saw that he was right. My feet were dirty and smeared with blood, several cuts littering my toes and the bottoms of my feet. The blood and mud were caked on, save for the parts Jacob had already cleaned up-it looked like he had only just grazed off the first layer.

"What, don't believe me?" he snapped, seeming altogether too angry about the situation.

I narrowed my eyes, "Jeez ,bad mood huh?" I wished I hadn't said anything.

He jumped to his feet, body shaking and hands clenched, "Yea I'm angry," he yelled at me in whispers, his jaw tight, "Put yourself in my shoes, Bella! How would you feel if you found me wandering around in the woods like a damn zombie when there's a bloodsucker on the loose! Did you want to end up dead or something? My God! You're so stupid sometimes-it kills me!"

Those last words stung, and I bit my lip lowering my eyes, "I'm sorry," I whispered, "I don't…really know what happened out there…"

He relaxed his shoulders a little bit but his face did not give way.

"It's ok," he mumbled, plopping down at the foot of the bed, his back facing me, "Be glad I found you first though, and not that leech. I just can't lose you like that!" That last sentence held intensity in his voice. I looked hard at him and could feel immense relief radiating from him despite his actions and demeanor.

Did you want me to change?

Well I'd changed for good,

And I want you to know that you'll always get your way,

I wanted to say

I pulled myself up and situated next to him. Without thinking I wrapped both my arms around his arm that was nearest me- mine were so tiny compared to even his one bicep- and I rested my head on his shoulder. As per usual, lately, he had forgone his shirt and warmth radiated from him in an infectious manner. It never took long to get warm when you were around him. I realized I was still pretty cold and shivered involuntarily. He rested his cheek on top of my head and pulled his arm free so that he could fully envelope me. He held me close and snug.

"I know you're cold but this is still a good excuse for me anyway," he chuckled darkly.

Craning my head so I could look him in his eyes, my face held no amusement in its features. "Don't say that," escaped out of my mouth. I didn't like his tone or the look in his face when he'd made that comment. I couldn't help it, I had to say something. I was so happy he was here that I didn't want him to ruin it.

Don't you shiver?

Shiver?

Sing it out and clear

I'll always be waiting for you

He cracked a smile then and it looked, finally, like some remnants of my Jacob. My heart wanted to burst at the sight which was a very, very strange thing. It was quite the reaction considering I hardly ever detected even a heartbeat from my chest- and now, like an alien from the movie, it wanted out. I was on the brink of being genuinely happy. I sighed in what sounded like relief to my ears and settled back into his shoulder as he squeezed me just a little tighter. I never seemed tight enough for me, though, not enough for my liking.

"How did you find me?" I finally asked, breaking the reverie.

"It was easy, "he smirked, letting go of me and standing. He started to pace back and forth, but casually, "I usually take watch outside your house every night And no," he shot me a hard look, "I'm not some creepy stalker guy. I just have a few promises I intent to fully keep."

"Oh Jake," my shoulders slumped, looking at him miserably, "You shouldn't. No one should have to. Victoria is very dangerous- you don't need to be alone if you find her! She's scary Jacob, I'm being serious!" He had started laughing sarcastically.

"How insulting. Really, Bella, you have no confidence in us- or in me. Besides, the others weren't far and I would have smelled that bloodsucker before she'd gotten within a mile of you. What were you doing anyways?" he added, looking me in the face. "Am I going to have to rescue you like this every night now- you know I should just go ahead and move in," he smiled deviously, "to make sure you don't go off trying to get yourself killed."

I rolled my eyes and threw my pillow at him which he caught, naturally- only I'd be so clumsy as to drop a full-sized pillow. But I was grateful as he didn't press the issue any more after that. I'm sure he wouldn't have been too keen on my self-sacrificing idea anyway and now I felt dumb about it.

"Where's Charlie?" I suddenly asked, looking around as if he'd be in the room with us.

"Asleep in bed. I hid when he came to check on you before he went to his room. I can hear him snoring now. Don't worry I made sure your feet were covered too. See, smarter than I look!" he tapped his temple twice with his index finger.

So you know how much I need you, but you never even see me, do you?

I smiled up at him. I really did feel a lot better when he was with me; I felt more whole, more like Bella. I noticed then the intense pain that was radiating from my feet and I winced. Jacob went to move towards me, but stood still, afraid to make a move I suppose.

So I decided to do it for him.

I looked up at him, looked at his face, and without breaking his gaze I lifted my foot in the air toward him. He looked at me, almost confused, but walked over and plucked his cloth up off the floor and he got on his knees. His fingers wrapped around my ankle while his other hand went to cleaning.

And is this my final chance of getting you?

The cloth still stung but I didn't pull away this time. I don't really know what had gone through my brain, but for whatever reason I was glad I had put down some of my brutal defenses. What was so bad about being close with Jacob anyway? Was it because I knew I couldn't fully devote myself to him without feeling like I was cheating him? I was in fact just a shadow of Bella- but was I really? I didn't feel like that so much when I spent time with him. And now…his hands which were so large and powerful, were incredibly gentle and for some reason if his fingers brushed much higher than my ankle butterflies ripped violently through my stomach. That was also strange I thought- I hadn't had butterflies since him. This seemed hopeful.

"Why does that sting so much?" I grumbled, finally giving way to the pinpricks that ate my feet alive. I still let him press on, hell bent on letting him finish.

"Alcohol," he said simply, watching himself work, "Just to be safe. Next time you should leave the bare-foot hiking to us wolves." He glanced down at his own feet which were big, bare, and completely cut-free. He smiled widely at me and the grin finally reached his eyes. I couldn't help but smile back.

We then started talking quietly, just like we did way back when in his garage back home in La Push. Before all this madness- before the wolves- before Victoria. He sat working on my feet just as he had worked on the bikes- so meticulously yet so second nature to him as if he'd been doing it his whole life. It was nice to finally have him back to somewhat normal.

And it's you I see, but you don't see me,

And it's you I hear, so loud and so clear,

Once my feet were sufficiently clean he set the cloth down but didn't let go of my foot. We continued on with talk; talk of school, how the guys in the pack were doing in their human lives, Billy, my dad, so forth. Jacob was getting behind in school which was to be expected- after all he'd missed almost of week of school before and after his initial transformation- and with Victoria on the loose, geometry homework seemed to be on the bottom of the priority list. I made him promise to come by after school one day and let me help him catch up on his homework. He toothily grinned and complied almost immediately. I did notice, however, when Jacob started tracing lines around my ankle- but he didn't seem to as he continued with our conversation.

"Yea, Quil is still normal too, I forgot to tell you…which is awesome, really, except for the fact that he's got it coming, it's in his genes. He's also still freaking out, thinking we all deserted him for Sam. I feel so bad but what can I do? I mean we can't tell him anything…"

Jacob's eyes suddenly glanced down at his hand wrapped around my ankle and the strangest expression came over his face. My breath stilled suddenly as his palm started to make its way up, lifting my pant leg away and, in an almost trance-like state, he began to caress my calf. I didn't know what to do- I was frozen in place. The butterflies were definitely angry at his gentle touch, and my brain seemed divided- one half was screaming in fury, the other…in joy. This was so foreign to me; hands like fire sending chills down my whole body. But for all intents and purposes, I couldn't move an inch. This felt too good, and I felt so alive. I wanted this feeling to last.

He stroked me with his too- hot hands but his face was the most confusing of all, because he literally seemed in a trance- mouth open, eyes somewhat out of focus like he had been hypnotized. His head slowed lifted up to look at me and for one brief, intimate moment, our eyes met.

It was in that moment that something strange- something big- happened.

Jacob's face was suddenly an inch from mine and he was clutching my face tightly with both his hands, but he never broke his gaze. His eyes had changed- they were now wide, insanely intense, and awe-filled as if he had seen the most beautiful thing he would ever see in his life for the very first time. I couldn't look away, his eyes wouldn't let me. My heart was beating very loudly in my ears, and I realized this was the most I'd heard it in months.

"Jake?" I whispered but he didn't respond. His hands began to quiver, his mouth open and breathing hot air on my face, and his eyes never left mine. I squirmed a little, his hands making my face too warm and sweaty, but he didn't let go. It seemed like he couldn't. This situation was starting to worry me- I'd never seen him like this before.

"Jake!" I said a little more forcefully, now trying to get free of his fiery grasp. For a millisecond I froze as his face leaned closer to mine and our lips were a moment apart before he was across the room, five feet away from me completely. He held his arms out from him slightly and he was shivering and panting, but his face looked exactly the same as a moment before. His eyes still held mine with that same awe-filled almost horrorstruck look.

"What is it?" I asked, self-conscious all of the sudden. I'd never seen him like this and it somewhat frightened or annoyed me, I couldn't tell. He still refused to speak. "Do you need water or something! Jacob, you're freaking me out!"

Almost immediately his stance relaxed and his eyes broke away from me to stare at his feet. To my surprise I saw sweat drops fall from his forehead.

" I have to go," he said abruptly, and turned to leave muttering something about the "pack".

I knew my face looked hurt, "Ok. Thanks for saving me tonight, Jake. I guess I'll see you later." I hoped my words penetrated, stung a little bit. He turned his head and his face looked full of pain, the pain of potential loss. "No! I have to see you tomorrow!" he said quickly, stumbling over his own words. "I'm sorry…I'll call you first thing and we'll go do something…anything…It'll be sunny tomorrow so maybe we'll get out…" His tone seemed strained and his face still sweat profusely.

"But I literally have to leave this second."

Without another word he swept out the window and I heard a very low thud outside as his feet hit the ground- and then he was off.

So I look in your direction, but you pay me no attention,

And you know how much I need you, but you never even see me…