SMST: Red Moon! – By DS Wynne


Disclaimer: SM, R1/2, ST, Red Dwarf and other properties belong to their respective owners.

Note: This is a multi-genre story.

Special Note: Each chapter will represent a "series". Thus, the third part of this story represents the later half of the second year of Usagi's stay on the mining ship, "SS Red Dwarf".


Part 3


Danger. Do not attempt to open this box. The creature inside is extremely hostile. It feeds off the human psyche. It seeks out the deranged, the unbalanced and the emotionally crippled…

Acting Captain Usagi Tsukino was in her quarters, drinking wine and flipping through a photo album, when-

CHIRP-CHIRP!

"Come," Usagi repled.

SHOOP!

Acting Ensign Dave Lister enters the room, causing Usagi to look up.

"Oh, hey Dave," Usagi said, as she breathes a sigh.

"Hey," Lister said, as he hands over the status report of the Red Dwarf. "As usual, nothing happened during the 'nightshift'…like every other night, I might add."

"Thanks," Usagi replied, as she accepted the report mindlessly, before putting it on her desk.

"You know, your insistence on running a tight ship is a ludicrous as trying to get Members of Parliament to use less sophisticated words that are synonymous with the word 'smeg'."

"Uh-huh…"

Lister could see that there was something bothering with Usagi, so he sat down.

"Okay, what's wrong?" Lister asked. "Did Rimmer insult you again for insisting that we travel to the Stygian Spires of Hades 9, in order to complete your 'Hello Kitty' collection?"

"Huh?" Usagi asked. "Oh, sorry. I was just thinking about my twins Punch and Julie…"

"Ah," Lister said in understanding. "Look, you know that it was all for the best, in order for them to have a normal life in the 'Opposite Gender Dimension'."

"Well, sorry, but I don't want to be a 'dead beat father', you know? It's one thing to know that I successfully impregnated a male version of me, but to force giving up custody due to some strange anomaly that cause children of opposite gender folks to age rapidly…well, it was unfair."

"'Unfair'?" Lister said. "The FEMALE me managed to impregnate ME, breaking the laws of physics and biology in process. MY children grew inside me, before I SQUEEZED them out of me 'junk'."

Pause.

"Smeg, I missed that. But the point is that I know what you're going through, but I learned to move on, knowing that me twin boys have grown up to be fine young me. You will have to trust whatever bond you managed to have your kids, and hope THAT will be enough for your kids to remember you fondly."

Usagi ponders Lister's words.

"You know, you're right," Usagi said, as she closed her album. "I can't live in the past. It's just that when I returned from the higher dimensions, I had hoped that if and when I have a child, I would be a mother. With being a father, I have the urge to watch a ball game with my feet propped up, a beer in one hand and a another down my pants."

"And there you go," Lister said with a smile. "That's sound like you're becoming…a man."

"Gods, I hope THAT is NOT the case," Usagi said with a chuckle. "Otherwise, it might be a sign that I have been hanging around you and the others for a bit too long."

Pause.

"Dave, thanks for cheering me up," Usagi said.

"Any time, 'skipper'," Lister said with a smile. "Oh, you want to have breakfast with me and the Cat?"

"Eh, maybe not," Usagi said. "I don't think I can go for 'coffee grind omelets' this early in the morning."

"You're loss…"

Later…

"Good Morning Rimmer, Khryton," Usagi said, as she enters 'Operations', the designated nerve center of the SS "Red Dwarf".

"Ah, here she is," Acting Lieutenant Arnold Rimmer, who was, unfortunately, the designated "First Officer" of the ship…by simply being in existence.

"Good Morning, Mum," said the service mechanoid Khryton, who was tidying Ops.

"So, got any more adventures we all can partake this morning, so you can continue your collection of inconsequential trinkets?" Rimmer said sarcastically.

"I wonder, Rimmer, how you would function when you realize your dream as Alexander the Great's chief eunuch?" Usagi said, as she begins to look at the sensor logs of the day.

"Don't let Mr. Rimmer bate you into giving him his life long ambition, mum," Khryton said.

"Oh, shut up, you hexagonal git!"

"I do not need to take insults from a hologram whose definition of a good time is to arrange his collection of poetry based upon the title having the same initials of his own name!" Khryton said with indignation, as he left. "Humph!"

Usagi giggles, as she takes her seat while Khryton leaves Ops.

"So, you're up early, Rimmer," Usagi said. "What are you up to?"

"As I told Khryton, I was just watching some pictures of my family," Rimmer said. "She was a fine woman who breed fine children."

"So I guess she rolled 'snake eyes' when you were born, eh?" Usagi replied.

"And I suppose YOU are a better example of the human condition than someone like me?" Rimmer asked.

"Let's just say that even if you were alive, you'd still have no substance to you."

"Humph!"

"Sorry to be a bother, skipper, but it appears that we might have an alien intruder on board," said Holly the Computer. Inspired by the meeting with the female AI from the Opposite Gender Universe, Holly reconfigured her interface from a balding, dimwitted male to a blond bimbo. So it was a lateral move, as far as everyone on board was concerned…

"What the analysis on it, Holly?" Rimmer asked.

"How should I know?" the ship's computer replied.

"Holly, you just informed us that there was an alien intruder," Usagi said. She has GOT to rework Holly's AI to be more efficient one day.

"That's like saying you're giving us a car, and neglecting the fact that it doesn't have any wheels."

"Oh. Sorry about that then," Holly said. "Working. Oh, the alien intruder is somewhere on the habitation deck, but I cannot determine its place of origin nor its species."

"Well, that makes it a little better," Rimmer said, as he rolls his eyes.

"Well, we better let the others know that we have an unwanted guest," Usagi said, as she prepares to call up Lister and Cat.

CHIRP!

"Ops to Lister."

Nothing.

"Ops to Lister, this is Usagi, come in!" Usagi said.

Still nothing.

"We better get down to Lister's to see what's the problem," Usagi said, as she gets up.

"Maybe I should stay here to direct operations, since I am the designated First Officer," Rimmer replied.

"Oh, how manly you are," Usagi said with a smirk. "Here I am, a woman, going to investigate a possibly dangerous situation, and you, a hologram, afraid to escort me down there?"

"You're the acting captain. You know, all that equality mumbo-jumbo?"

"Rimmer, we women-folk simply want to be taken seriously as equals in the professional world."

"If you want to be taken seriously, stop putting your pantyhose to hang in the lavatory. It's hard to 'go' thinking that I'm in some boutique just off the red light district."

"Rimmer, you are a hologram."

"Hey, it's the principal of the thing."

Usagi merely rolls her eyes.

Nevertheless, after much prodding, Usagi and Rimmer arrive to Lister's quarters, and see Khryton between Lister's legs.

"Get them off of me!" Lister cries out.

"Don't worry, sir!" Khryton said. "I'll get your boxers off!"

"Um, are we interrupting anything?" Usagi said.

"Well, it had to happen," Rimmer said.

"What?"

"I was wondering when Lister would snap for you being such a tease."

"…"

"I got them, sir!" Khryton said, as he holds up a pair of tiny, red boxers.

Usagi's senses rang out…

"Khryton, put those drawers into a containment field," Usagi ordered.

"But mum-"

POP!

A huge monster appears.

"RROWRL!" the monster said, as it barely fits into Dave's quarters.

"What's going on, guys-?" Cat said, as he enters Lister's quarters. He then sees the monster.

"Oh, dear," Cat said with shock. "Worse than a person without a fashion sense is THIS ugly thing-"

"RRROWRL!"

"Ahhhh!" everyone screams.

However, some sort of tubular, tentacle-like tongues snake out of its mouth, and plant a tubular onto the head of each of the crewmembers.

SUCK!

"Arrrrgh!" Usagi said. "My brain-!"

"Not…a…loss…!" Rimmer said, as he and the others succumbs to the attack.

Later…

"The polymorph has returned to the cargo hold," Holly said. "Know doubt, you four provided it with enough of your special qualities to fill a banquet hall."

"What are we going to do?" Homeless Cat said with worry, now dressed like a homeless man, as he sucked on a bottle of wine from a brown bag.

"We will need to form a sub-committee to assess the situation," said a more intellectual Rimmer, who sported thick glasses, a goatee and a pipe. "I will now allow our most senior and valued member of this illustrious crew to set the agenda."

"Okay, men, we have to do this right," Usagi said in a pseudo-manly voice, as she looked totally butch, including having a bowl haircut. She wore a t-shirt that that had two Greek symbols for woman linked together.

"Damn right we do!" Space Marine Lister raged. "We got to find that thing, and kill it! If necessary, we strap a warhead on me back, and use a kamikaze attack on it. Ka-pow!"

"Perhaps we can use Mr. Lister as bait for a laugh?" Guilt-free Khryton replied.

"Yeah, now, that is what I'm talking about!"

"We could consider that for our next scheduled meeting," Smart Rimmer said.

"We need to know more about it first," Butch Usagi said to Holly with a smile, thinking about wanting to have her way with the female computer. "Holly?"

"Apparently, the polymorph is not alien, but, in fact, a research project conducted by clandestine organization known as Section 31," Holly said. "Using samples taken from the Changelings, Section 31 hoped to create its own shapeshifters. However, the project failed because the test subject became insane, due to the fact that the researchers gave it psychic abilities. Thus, it was sealed away for all time."

"Until now," Butch Usagi said, as she straddles her chair like a man. "Holly, is there a way to reverse what happened to us? Not that I don't mind being a Femizon, but I want to be able to make love to my Ranma without throwing up in disgust afterwards."

"Your collective conditions will return to normal, if the polymorph is destroyed," Holly said.

"Then what are we waiting for?" Space Marine Lister said. "There is a body-bag with that thing's name on it, and I aimed to be the zipper!"

"What's the point?" asked Homeless Cat. "There IS not point!"

"No, the point is we should invite the creature to a conference in order to discuss the rationale of its actions," Intellectual Rimmer said.

"As long we get to feed you to the thing first, I agree," replied Guilt-free Khryton.

A short time later, the crew was in the cargo hold, tracking the polymorph down. With blasters in hand, Lister and Usagi took point. It should be noted that Usagi wasn't wearing a bra, since she felt that bras was nothing more than something that men use to put women in their place.

Meanwhile, Intellectual Rimmer was holding a peace sign, while Cat stumbled about as Khryton taunted the polymorph into eating the humanoids.

"Where is that thing?" Space Marine Lister said, as he twirls his bat.

"It may not be here," Usagi replied. "Let's go to the next section…"

Just as the group rounds the bend, the polymorph appears.

"RROWRL!"

"Get it!" Space Marine Lister yells, as he discharge heat seekers.

CHOOM-CHOOM!

Two glowing spheres shoot out, and gave chase to the creature.

"That thing is fast!" Space Marine Lister said. "I LOVE the chase!"

"What is the point?" Cat said. "Nothing IS the point!"

"Perhaps a sub-committee could be inaugurated in order to get public feedback perhaps?" Intellectual Rimmer said.

"Perhaps we can use someone as bait?" Khryton suggested.

"I will volunteer," Butch Usagi said. "If men now disgust me, then I shall gladly give up my life."

"Good idea, mum!"

Soon Usagi was alone.

"Here I am!" Usagi replied. "There is more to me than meets the eye-!"

"RRROWRL!"

"Ahhh-!"

"Got you, you git!" Lister said, as he leaped from a higher crate, lands on his feet, and-

CHOOM!

A heat seeker hits its mark, destroying the creature in the process.

BOOM!

With the creature dead, everyone's minds return to normal.

"Ohhhhhh," Usagi said. "What happened?"

"It appears we're back to normal, I guess," Lister said, disgusted by his own bloodlust.

"Not all of us are," Cat said, as he strolls out of hiding. "Look at me! It'll take a day in order for me to get back to my state of perfection."

"YOU have a problem?" Usagi said. "It'll take me forever to get my hair back to its normal length-"

"Oh, I'm sorry for having such awful thoughts!" Khryton said. "I should commit suicide…"

"No, Khryton, we all weren't ourselves today," Rimmer said.

"So you are not an intellectual after all, eh?" Lister said.

"Feh."

"Well, what's done is done," Usagi said. "We'll do an inspection of the cargo hold later…"

As the crew returns to the habitation deck, a second polymorph slowly creeps up to the crew, only to be "tagged" by the heat-seekers from Lister's first attack.

BOOM!

"What was that?" Usagi asked.

"Probably something in the pipes," Rimmer replied.

"Huh."

Tbc.