We break the loaf into several pieces and heat them at the fire. My mother and father heartily eat their share, clearly hopeful and anticipating the slim possibilities of my better prospects. I, however, stare off into space, not focusing on anything but sometimes the blurred fragments of glowing light emanating from the fireplace. My thoughts overwhelm me, and I feel tired and slightly sick from the chaos of doubt battling through my head. I need to breathe.
I dismiss myself from the table quickly, and follow the familiar motions of preparing for bed. I turn on the faucet and carefully wash my face, wiping off the dust and grime. After rinsing my mouth, I let my ridiculously tangled blond hair fall down back to my shoulders and exhale deeply. My reflection in the mirror stares back at me. Her light blue-gray eyes are wide and hold a bit of a wild expression, and there are significant dark bags under her lids. My pale complexion is dull and gray from the dirt that catches in the air of my neighborhood. I am merely a girl, not beautiful nor yet grown up. Plain, like a small rough stone in the streets, is what I am.
My mother and father wish me a good night as I change into my nightclothes. I force a smile at them as I close my door, and settle into bed. Following protocol to prevent underage citizens from leaving, my mother locks the door. The air is quiet; the only sound interrupting the calm is my heavy breathing. I have no intention of actually falling asleep though. Until the strike of the clock signals curfew, and the bustle of the streets outside quiet down, I will wait.
When the city is finally still, and I let out a sigh of relief. It feels as if I were lying in bed forever, and I was growing restless and impatient. Hastily, I grab my worn black jacket, and carefully pry my window open. It gives in after a few attempts with a creak, and I catch my breath. Nothing reacts, so I swing my legs over the sill in a swift motion, and hoist my body slowly out of my room. Gripping the ledge, my feet search for and find a hold in the edge of the window below. I cautiously slide to the right of the windows to avoid the cement road.
This is one of the times when I like this place. With its low-ceiling floors, I am able to escape and roam the alleys after curfew without seriously injuring myself in the process. Squeezing my eyes shut, I allow myself to fall backwards. The thrill of the wind soars through me, and I roll as my body makes contact with the grassy earth to smoothen the impact. It feels almost like a test of bravery. It is as terrifying as it is exciting, falling backwards, but if done safely and correctly, I won't hurt myself.
I quickly brush the dirt off, and run through the alleys near the border of the city. The dark pathways used to intimidate me, but now they are rather familiar. I don't even think when my legs take me toward the broken carnival. Small clouds of my breath shroud the dimly lit light posts, and my throat is burning. I never feel more alive when running. It's an escape from the world I live in.
I continue to weave in and out the streets for ten more minutes, and then stop to catch my breath. Before me is an unkempt field with a large dilapidated Ferris Wheel in the center. If I climb to the top cart, there is an amazing view of the palace. I discovered the spot after Caleb left us in desperation for a place to hide away. Now, its a place I turn to whenever I feel small and unfree. Gripping the edges of carts and beams, I begin to climb. Cautiously, I test each bar and tentatively step upward to reach the cart at the peak of the structure. Focus, I tell myself. Keep a calm composure and do not look down. Face your fears.
The view is spectacular. Guided by several minuscule dots of light, the place looks almost like an electric circuit board. The castle, still extremely far away in the distance, is entirely covered with white. This place makes me feel free, because I reminded that I am infinite. The perspective from above demonstrates to me my place in this country. We are all lightbulbs, and with enough energy and determination, we will all persevere and possibly make something meaningful happen. My eyes are about to flutter closed with the serenity of it all when a shout interrupts me.
A figure in the gray clothing of Abnegation grasping a flashlight stands below. "What on Earth are you doing!?" he yells. I gulp. I am caught.
