When I was younger I caught my dad having an affair. I watched as he kissed a woman that wasn't my mother and despite my young age, I knew exactly what it meant. I knew he wasn't supposed to be doing that. I knew it was wrong.
My mother, on the other hand, didn't care.
Okay, that's probably not true. I'm sure she did care, I'm sure it killed her when I told her what I'd seen, when she knew that I knew my dad could do something like that, but rather than act like many women would and throw him out, she swept it under the rug. For the good of the family, for the good of their reputation, to keep up the pretence that our home was a perfect one when it was so fucking far from it.
Would it have been any better if Mom had thrown him out? I don't know. We would have been a broken family and I guess that would bring up its own issues, but I'd much rather have grown up in a truthful home than a deceitful one, because it's that that made me the way I am. It's that voice in my head that she put there, always telling me to do the right thing, always do what will present the best version of yourself to the world, that forced me to suppress everything I really wanted.
Find a good man, have some beautiful children and live in a lovely big house in the middle of suburbia - thats the image my mother taught me to have.
The White-American dream. WASP central.
Fuck that.
What would she say if she saw me now? Pressed firmly against the door of Alex's apartment, my hands in her long, silky dark hair, one leg clinging desperately to her waist while my lips were being hungrily ravaged by hers, moaning her name as she sucked at my neck. She'd be appalled.
"This is not how we behave, Piper!" She'd say. Would much prefer I have monotonous sex with a man where I have to get myself off afterwards than let another woman make me feel fucking amazing. Like Alex does.
Last night happened so fast. The last thing I remember we were laughing and flirting and teasing and drinking, and then we were dancing, and we were getting closer. Her arm wrapped around my waist as her hips swung against mine in time with the music, she pulled me into her, moved down my body and back up again and gave me this look, this intense stare filled with heat and I looked at her lips that were dangerously close to mine and I put my hands around her neck. My eyes closed, I breathed her in - a musky mix of her perfume, alcohol and sweat from all the bodies on the dance floor. It was strangely erotic.
Then - just like that - her soft, full lips touched mine. Gently at first. Tentatively. As if she was asking permission to do it but at the same time not giving me the chance to say no. Not that I'd say no anyway.
Alex is a good kiser.
No, Alex is a fucking magnificent kisser. She took her time, mixing soft kisses with hard, hungry ones and I was weak. I really felt like at any second my knees would give out and if Alex hadn't been holding on to me I suppose I might have.
When we broke I was breathless, my body pulsing with desire and she looked positively delighted with the effect she'd had on me. She'd been proven right, after all. I was into girls. One girl in particular.
It made me see, with a crash of understanding, that this was something I'd always been interested in. I might have claimed before that men had been my only sexual interest, but I failed to mention - or just buried somewhere - that I've had moments when I've pictured this. I've wondered what it would be like to be with a woman and the thought hasn't ever been one I've rejected.
The courage to let that side of me show, however, was something I didn't possess. So, true to the Chapman way I pushed it down, because good Chapman girls don't like other girls. That'd be too much of a scandal.
Hiding a part of yourself like that is…. it's like always being out in the rain. It's fine at first but eventually you get tired of holding the umbrella - of aways carrying something, but you feel like if you don't you'll be left out in the cold. Unprotected and soaking wet.
This, right now, was that moment when the sun shines out through the dark thundery clouds. It was that rainbow that signals good things are coming. It was dropping that umbrella and taking off your wet clothes. It was smelling that sweet petrichor in the air and getting warm under the sun. It was finally feeling like yourself again. No longer cold, no longer unprotected. Everything was bright and happy and how it should be.
"Wanna get out of here?" Alex had asked me, her lips at my ear. Breath tickling my neck.
How could I say no to that? I was under her spell and she knew it.
"God yes."
The mask had fallen. I didn't have the energy or a reason anymore to pretend that Alex wasn't everything I wanted right now. That her kiss hadn't turned me on beyond belief, that I didn't want to know what those lips would feel like when they touched every inch of my body.
Next thing I knew I was here, up against her door, gasping and moaning and relishing every second of having her touch me.
I said Alex's name so many times that night, with various inflections and in various states of desire, but every single time I said it it felt better on my lips. Like it belonged there.
When I left her apartment hours later I had the biggest smile on my face. Despite every fibre of my being telling me to stay, I snuck out of her room in the dead of the night while she slept peacefully beside me. Nothing would have made me happier than to lie there in that gorgeous woman's arms all night, and wake up to that beautiful face first thing in the morning, but I had to get back to Polly. She hadn't noticed I was gone yet, that much I knew since she hadn't called or texted. I didn't want her to wake up and notice I was gone. I couldn't worry her like that. That wouldn't be fair.
So, after hunting around her room for some paper and a pen - as quietly as I could so as to not wake her, (if she caught me leaving I was sure she'd ask me to stay longer and I wouldn't have the willpower to say no) I left a note on Alex's nightstand, telling her what an amazing night I'd had and thanking her for it. Leaving my number at the bottom with a small heart next to it and the instruction to call me.
I practically skipped the whole way back to my hotel room, and when I got there I was pleased to see Polly still passed out in her bed. It was then that I thought about whether I should tell her about what had happened tonight or not. Keeping it from her would feel wrong considering we tell each other almost everything, but this… this is huge. I don't know how she'd react. Polly isn't exactly an angel herself, she's cheated on her fair share of boyfriends and when she has she told me about it almost immediately. She never cheated with a woman though, and that in itself is pretty big news.
When I woke the next morning, Polly was already up. Banging around her room presumably trying to decide what to wear for the day.
"Polly!" I called out, stretching my arms up above my head to release all the tension that'd built up overnight.
The decision was made in that second. This was huge news, and I didn't want to keep it to myself. Besides, if I knew my best friend like I thought I did she wouldn't judge.
I could hear the pit-pat of Polly's feet as she made her way to the door that adjoined our rooms. When she appeared I had to a stifle a laugh at the dark mascara smudges under her eyes and bushy bed head she had going on. She looked just as rough as I'd expected her to.
"Do you really need to shout like that first thing in the morning, Pipes? My head is a bit fucking fragile right now. Please keep all voice levels down."
I laughed and patted the bed, scooting over to give her enough space to sit. "Come here for a second, I have something to tell you."
Polly looked dubious. Probably a little puzzled by the huge smile on my face. After all, as far as she was aware I'd gone to bed after bringing her back to the room last night. "O-kay."
"Okay, so, last night, you know, once I'd taken you back here and you'd passed out on the bed,"
I begun, once Polly was settled beside me in bed.
"Yeah…" she said with a grimace and a gently touch to her forehead, "I really need to stop thinking I can handle Tequila."
"You really do. Or at least stop doing two shots at a time, three of four times a night."
"Right, yeah, that too."
"Anyway, once I'd left you home I decided to go for a walk down on the beach with the half bottle of wine we had left and… well…"
I told Polly everything. I told her how I'd come across Alex and how I'd recognised her from the hotel pool. I told her how there was something between us, something electric and how, on what was supposed to be my walk home, she convinced me to go for a drink with her.
As best as I could, I explained to her how she'd made me feel, how she'd made me laugh and made me blush. How she'd set my pulse racing harder than anyone else ever had. I told her how we danced, and how she whispered so gently into my ear that she wanted to bring me up to her room. I told her how badly I wanted to do just that. I gushed about how earth shattering the sex was, about how she'd been right about me not regretting a single part of it. About how she'd brought me to climax countless times over and made me feel things I man has ever made me feel.
"What. The. Fuck! That's wild, Pipes!" Polly said when I finally finished saying all I had to say. "I can't believe you had sex with a girl! Well, I can, I kinda always thought you had this freaky side but I can't believe it happened last night!"
"I know! It's crazy! And I can't stop thinking about it, Polly. I can't stop thinking about her. She was so… ugh, just incredible. I really wanna see her again."
"Do you think you will?"
"I don't know. I hope so. I left my number on her nightstand so… maybe."
"So wait- does this mean you're a lesbian now?"
Rolling my eyes, I smirked at the amused, mocking way she said it and replied, "no I'm not a lesbian now. That's not how it works! I'm… well I don't know what I am, actually."
Polly gasped then, as if she'd just remembered something important. And she had. "What about Larry? Are you gonna tell him?"
"I don't know." I replied, pained by the thought of it. In all honesty he'd hardly came into my head at all and even when he did it never put me off what I was doing.
"Do you still love him?"
"Yeah…" It wasn't convincing, and the look on Polly's face told me so. "I don't know. I care about him but it's just so… boring. I mean… he's nice and he treats me good and the sex is fine but it's all just so predictable, y'know? I feel like at this point in my life I should be having sex that is a lot better than fine and be with someone who is more than just nice."
"Yeah, I guess. But you know what momma Chapman would say; 'nice is also safe, and safe is good'."
I scoffed, "Safe is boring. I need excitement!"
"And excitement is random one night stands with lesbians?"
"In this case - yeah." Polly and I laughed together again, but as I chuckled the image of Larry came to me and despite myself I felt bad. I felt bad because I do care about him. Because he is a nice guy and because he doesn't deserve to be cheated on like this. "Shit." I said with a sigh. "What do you think I should do?"
"I don't know." Polly shrugged. "I mean, I guess if this was just a one night thing then there's really no point in telling him but if it's something you want to pursue…"
"That's not really up to me though is it? It's Alex that has my number. It's up to her to call me."
"And if she does?"
"If she does…" Thinking of her, I smiled. "She's a hard woman to say no to."
