prologue
eminem strolled across the sleek city streets. four body guards followed closely behind. new york was bustling with people as usual. today it was especially crowded. eminem rounded a corner and entered an almost stranded alleyway. voices of sketchy marketers crooned at him to purchase some of their goods. people told him to stay away from that place but it was his guilty pleasure. he say a shop that caught his eye and entered. it was filled with lots of antiques. he was about to leave when something caught his eye. the first edition bee movie dvd. he stared in awe. even he didn't have enough money to purchase items like this it would typically be 34 billion dollars. he reached out and opened it carefully. inside was not the disc but a bejewelled amber hairpin. the store owner -who was a giant frog- hopped over.
"it's barry b benson's magical bejewelled hairpin" he croaked
now eminem was always one to believe in stories so when he heard it was magical he knew he had to have it. now eminem wasn't usually one to steal but he didn't have any money on him or else he'd get tempted to buy a ton of useless stuff. he did the only sensible thing in his opinion. he ushered his body guard over and told him that this frog was trying to assault him so the guard beat the frog up and eminem ran away with the hairpin
many years later
croony longbottom was neville's long lost brother. they'd been separated at birth and croony had been on his own since he was two months old. no orphanages wanted to take him in. he hated neville with a burning passion because he didn't want to be associated with anyone who was at the bottom of the barrel. croony wanted to bring back Emma because he was jealous that neville actually has - had- a life. and yes, he had been stalking them. he'd been doing research and had found out about three pieces of jewellery that possessed great power. the first, a blood red broach made from shreks blood that had the ability to make someone human (though he had heard it had been destroyed) . the second, a bejewelled amber hairpin, made from barry b benson's honey. the third beaded anklet made of jacob sartorius' ashes, it could make a noise that could kill anyone in a 34 mile radius. croony wanted the hairpin very badly. he wanted to bring Emma back to life.
croony sought out someone who knew a lot about these three items. her name was gertrude, but she preferred to go by lil gert. she wore a leather suit with extreme shoulder pads and a plunging neckline. she wore tight black leather leggings and six inch heels.
"hello old friend" croony said quietly
"um.. do i know you?" lil gert asked
croony was somewhat hurt. they had had intimate relations in a closet once.
"croony? remember?" he said, exasperated.
"not a bit. now what do you want?" she inquired.
"i need to know everything you know about the amatye amandla (jewels of power) "
"the amatye huh... " lil gert said, "why should i help you?"
"i have something you want..." croony hinted
before she could respond, he pulled out the meat carcass shawl that he had taken off of Emma's dead body.
lil gerts lips parted in surprise.
"there's a footprint on it." she said
"oh that's from one of the muppets who danced on her dead body." croony answered sounding bored.
"hm." she responded and began inhaling the scent of the scarf.
"i wouldn't do that it's been on a dead body."
lil gert glared at him and ran her tongue across it defiantly.
"so do we have a deal?" croony asked between gags.
lil gert looked at the shawl wistfully and then answered "yes."
it had taken weeks of scheming but they had devised a good plan. they had purchased front row tickets for eminem's concert. they knew what they had to do.
the concert was wild. eminem wore some derelicte designer clothes and looked ravishing. finally the moment lil gert had been waiting for arrived. she hopped on stage and interrupted eminem midsong.
"lil gert?" he said confused
"yeah it's me" she nodded
"what do you want?" he asked
"i want that hairpin" she demanded
"why?"
"you know why"
eminem sighed.
"i'm not giving it to you." he said
"rap battle." lol gert challenged
eminem might have said no but this was lil gert. he stared in awe at her meat carcass shawl. besides, he couldn't say no in front of all his fans.
"if you insist."
it started off calm. the rapping was intense but not insane ... yet. 3.4 hours in, the rapping had gotten crazy. lil gerts afro was a wild tangle of deep blue and her mullet was stuck to the back of her head in the southern heat. eminem finally cracked.
lost for words he stared at his audience, but honestly most of them preferred lil gert. it was rappers honor, he couldn't not give her the hairpin. reluctantly he handed it over. there was a storm of applause when she slipped it into her pocket, jumped off stage and caught by croony who released her. they strutted our if the auditorium and the crowd parted in respect for lil gert.
to be continued
