Chapter 3

Grissom turned when he heard someone opening the door and coming into the room. Sara didn't seem to notice, she kept staring ahead.

"Hello Sara, my name is Doctor Lara Hunt, your physician has asked me to come and see you."

"Please, I just want to go home." She begged.

"Soon, Sara. But first we need to talk. If you talk to me, and you cooperate then you're going to get out of here much quicker."

"Ok." Sara replied, she seemed more conscious of what was going on around her. Gil stood up to leave Sara and the doctor alone. She suddenly reached out and caught hold of his hand. "Stay. Please?"

Grissom glanced at the doctor who nodded slightly. He sat back down but she still clung tightly to his hand.

"Can you tell me why you hurt yourself?"

"It helps." She said shortly.

"Were you trying to kill yourself?"

"No." She replied honestly.

"Have you hurt yourself before?"

"Yes."

"How many times?"

"Hundreds."

"When did you start?"

"When I was a kid." Sara was keeping her answers short. She wanted to cooperate but she didn't want to give away too much.

"How does it make you feel, when you cut yourself?"

"Calm."

"So what happened yesterday?"

"I went too far."

"Ok, Sara. I'm not stupid, I'm not going to tell you that you need to stop self harming. Not just like that. But we do need to ensure is that you don't risk your life again."

The doctor paused to allow Sara to digest what she had said.

"I don't think the hospital is the best place for you," she continued looking at Sara's notes, "I will have you discharged on two conditions. First, that you agree to see me twice a week and second, that you stay with someone."

"You can stay with me." Grissom said.

Sara looked up and opened her mouth to argue. She wanted to get out of the hospital more than anything, but she wanted to go home, she wanted to be alone.

"Griss, no..." She said shaking her head.

"Please Sara."

She heard the desperation in his voice. "Ok." She whispered.

---

The nurse handed Grissom a leaflet as the doctor examined Sara before she was discharged. "Dr. Hunt asked me to give you this before you left. Oh, and this is Miss Sidle's first appointment." She also handed his a small appointment card.

"Thank you." Grissom replied.

"She's all ready to go." The doctor said coming out of Sara's room.

"Thank you." Grissom repeated.

"Keep an eye on her, and don't leave her alone with anything sharp. This isn't going to be easy for her."

Grissom nodded, he'd already been home to remove his razors from the bathroom and hide his kitchen knives.

He returned to Sara to find her dressed and stood by the window, staring out at Las Vegas.

"You ready to go?" He asked.

She turned around and smiled a small smile at him. "Yeah."

They walked down the corridor and into a lift. Sara pulled her jacket tightly around her as they came closer to the exit. Grissom placed his hand gently on her back to reassure her, he could see that she was nervous.

"I thought we should stop by your apartment first to pick up whatever you need." He said as they got in the car.

"Ok." She muttered.

The car was silent as they drove to Sara's apartment. It wasn't awkward but there was a tension in the air. Sara hesitated before entering her apartment. "It's ok." Grissom said softly. He had cleaned up her bathroom when he had picked up some clothes for her to wear home.

Sara let them in and walked to the bedroom. She opened her closet and then closed it without removing anything. "Look Griss, I'm ok. I can stay here. I'll be ok."

Grissom shook his head. "No Sara, I'm not leaving you."

Sara shrugged and turned back to her closet, pulling a bag out and dropping it onto her bed. She opened a drawer and pulled some clothes out, she paid no attention to what she was putting in, she just threw it haphazardly into the bag. When she opened the door to the bathroom she paused for half a second. If she was surprised to find it clean, she didn't show any sign, instead she just took what she needed from the sides and placed it into a wash bag.

"Is there anything else you need?" Grissom asked as he picked up her bag.

She looked around her living room and then lifted the plant that Grissom had given her from the shelf it stood on. She gave him a small grin. "She's going through a growing phase." She said by way of explanation.

"She?"

"Yeah, I call her Lilly."

"You, er, named a plant?"

"Yeah, of course I did. You've named you tarantula!" She replied as though it was the most normal thing in the world.

"But he's a living thing."

"So is Lilly."

Grissom opened his mouth but realised that he didn't actually have an argument for this. "I don't really know what to say to that. Ready to go?"

She took a deep breath. "Yeah."

---

Grissom pulled up in front of his house. Sara anxiously looked up at it, she's only been here a few times over the years. Grissom is out of the car and has taken her bag from the back seat before she even had a chance to open the door.

He placed a hand reassuringly on her back as she hugged the plant to her chest.

"Griss, I'm not sure, you don't want me under your feet. Maybe I should just go home. I'll be fine."

"Sara you won't be under my feet. I want you here."

"Really?" She couldn't believe that anyone would want her around. She was too messed up.

He nodded. "I want you here." He repeated.

"Ok." She whispered as he led her inside. He showed her to the guest bedroom and put her bag on the bed.

"I'll go and make coffee." He said while watching her, she looked lost, confused.

She stood uncomfortably in his kitchen as he made the coffee. "Griss?"

He looked up from the coffee machine.

"What does the lab know?"

"Nothing. Catherine is covering for us, she's told the guys that your sick and I'm looking after you. She knows that something's wrong, she just doesn't know what."

"I don't want them to know, about me, about what I do."

Grissom nodded. "Ok." He handed her the coffee.

"There's nothing wrong with me. I mean, I know what I do is strange but it's not really any different to smoking, or drinking or, or, jumping out of aeroplanes. I don't like doctors or hospitals, that's the problem. They remind me of my mother, of going to visit her just after... just after my father died." She wrapped her hands around the mug, allowing the warmth to infiltrate her body.

"I just want you to be safe, Sara, and happy. I want you to be able to talk to me, I know you don't find it easy, but sometimes it helps."

Sara looked down at her mug.

"I'll be here when you're ready to talk."

There was silence for several minutes, broken only by Grissom sipping his coffee.

"You know I wasn't trying to kill myself don't you? That's never been the point. Suicide was never the point. I'm a CSI, if I wanted to kill myself I'd be dead now."

"I know." They sat down. "Will you explain to me, how it helps?"

Sara thought for a moment before answering, trying to find the right words. "Sometimes I feel restless. My mind won't focus. I'll start thinking about things, my childhood, tough cases, the ones we couldn't close. It's like a pressure builds up, and, and cutting is the safety valve. It's like, all the strain drips out with the blood. I can focus on the pain and it stops me thinking about other things."

Grissom didn't say anything, instead her took hold of her free hand and held it.

"I've never told anyone about this before."

"I'm glad you told me."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"I'm not going to be allowed back to work for a while, am I?" She said with a sigh.

"Not until the doctor says you can, no."

"Are you going to tell Ecklie?"

"No."

"He'd fire me if he found out."

"I think he'd just insist on you seeing the department psychiatrist."

"He'd suspend me."

"Possibly."

"And look into all the cases I've worked on. If anyone finds out about this, I'll lose my career."

"No, you won't."

"It'll throw every conviction we've ever got into question."

"No, it won't"

"They'll say I'm not fit to do the job."

"No Sara. Listen to me. This isn't going to ruin your career, it's not going to harm any cases. You're a professional, no one can argue with that."

Sara shook her head. "If a defence lawyer found out about this."

"They're not going to find out about this. I promise, we'll get you through this."

She smiled weakly at him, reassured by his confidence.

"You look tired. Why don't you get some sleep, we'll talk some more in the morning?"

"Ok." She stood up and turned towards the guest bedroom. "Griss," she said turning back, "thanks for this, for everything."

"It's no problem at all, honey."

---

Grissom was still awake several hours later. He'd not been able to settle to anything, moving restlessly around the house, picking up books and putting them back down again. He couldn't keep his mind from Sara, thinking about what she'd said. Wondering if there had been any signs earlier that he should have seen. He found the leaflet that the nurse had given him just before they had left the hospital, it was advice about self harm, he sat down and read through it.

He froze as he heard a heart wrenching scream echo through the house. He ran to the guest bedroom, to Sara. She was sat bolt upright in the bed. Her eyes were wide, staring at the door but not seeing him.

"Sara?" He said as he approached her cautiously.

She continued staring forwards for several tense moments before she looked at him. "Griss?" She said in a shaky voice. Her breathing was fast and her shoulders shaking from fear.

"It's ok, sweetheart. It's just a nightmare. I'm here."

She leant into him and he held her tightly. "Make it go away, please." She whispered so quietly that he wasn't entirely sure that she had said anything at all."

"I'm trying, sweetheart, I'm trying." He murmured , stroking her hair away from her face.

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