"PC Dunbar, Andrea!" She wishes Phil away but it doesn't work, it's late afternoon and in a couple of hours her shift will be over. She hasn't managed a smile today; she woke with a headache this morning that she's carried with her all day. The smell of smoke was still clinging to her flat and there was a not so nice note from her neighbour about the noise last night. Lance had talked non-stop about his commitment ceremony but the last thing Andrea wanted was to hear how well someone else's relationship was going.
"Hey, it's just some CCTV." Phil reacts to her less than enthusiastic look.
"If I have to hear about how happy Lance and Mark are once more I may do one of us permanent damage." Still with reluctance she takes the tapes from Phil.
"You're looking for a couple in long dark coats entering the store in the middle of the camera angle." Phil recoils quickly up to CID; he senses it's too easy to upset Andrea at the moment. Although watching hours of CCTV footage is boring, she's just glad for the peace.
When she's through the footage, Andrea pushes back in her chair and listens, it's the time when the station starts to empty – phones and faxes are silent, custody now empty except for those drying out, a light shift of officers rostered on. She stretches to remove the stiffness that has set in from sitting for hours. The door handle jerks interrupting Andrea mid-yawn; through the small rectangle of glass she can see Neil. She pulls on the door from her end eventually releasing the sticking lock. Not knowing her power, Andrea steps back with the inward swinging door.
He's wearing a dinner suit, probably the one she took off him on the train that night and she has trouble being strong when he's dressed well.
"Have you found anything?" He doesn't lean against anything a fair indicator this isn't going to be a long visit, his voice and expressions are professional but Andrea's having a hard time looking at him like anything other than the man she's loved and lost.
"A couple in black coats enter the store at ten twenty four and leave at ten thirty six getting into a car that stops out the front at ten thirty four." Andrea explains.
"Is that it?" Neil indicates to the picture frozen on the screen, Andrea nods in reply. "Can you get that up to Phil?"
He pauses and Andrea could swear there's a flicker of Neil in the look but it's quickly back to DI Manson. "He said I should be careful you looked like you were biting today."
Andrea doesn't know what to say but her eyes expose the cavernous hole inside her from his absence in her life, it'd only appeared recently.
"Is it…?" Andrea thinks she sees his lips say 'us' but there's no words.
"You're in a dinner suit." Andrea's not even sure herself what that's meant to mean. "I'll get this to Phil." Glad to not have to look at him she ejects the tape, brushing past him only to feel his hand grip her arm. Her eyes meet his, she wants to ask if she's lost him, is he giving his marriage another go, all she gets is him trying to read her, when his grip loosens she escapes hastily to CID.
Phil's staring out the window onto the front of the station; the last of the days light casts pastel coloured hues across the cityscape, interrupted by the tallest buildings.
"Law society dinner," Phil comments absently, Andrea doesn't know if he knows whom he's talking to. Andrea's eyes fall for the first time onto Philippa dressed in a silver evening gown standing next to a matching coloured BMW.
"How the other half live." Phil comments as Neil approaches and embraces his wife, brushing a kiss across her cheek, he steps back admiring his wife's dress probably complimenting her on it, although Phil loses interest Andrea watches till they've driven out of the lot and out of sight.
"Is this what we need?" Phil holds up the tapes, Andrea's just become distracted by a new thought.
"It's ready for you to look at, tape number one, they're in and out in twelve minutes." Andrea informs him finally dragging herself from the window.
"Thank you." Phil says but Andrea's already wandering distracted out of CID.
For the rest of the night she thinks maybe it's not about him and a divorce. Her father's no one important except to his family and friends, Andrea's just a PC among thousands in London, she doesn't charge by the hour and couldn't possible provide a lifestyle Neil's become accustomed to. She wonders if this has a place in the back of his mind somewhere.
"You've seen him again haven't you?" Andrea senses Yvonne's mother hen tone but doesn't catch the context of the question immediately.
"Huh?" Andrea says over the roof of the car before sliding into the passengers' seat.
"Mister Mystery Married Man." Yvonne says starting the engine. Andrea thinks for a moment, she hadn't thought this line of questioning would arise. "I'm familiar with the reason for that sad look on your face by now." Yvonne says as a way to prompt for more information.
"I was shopping and we ran into each other in the frozen food aisle." Andrea lies.
"Was he alone?" Yvonne negotiates the car out of the lot.
"Yes." Andrea says watching the traffic out of habit for a gap.
"So he's separated now?" Yvonne pulls quickly into the traffic.
Andrea doesn't reply immediately looking out her window, emotion is building as she thinks how Neil will never be separated, he's lost to her.
"Andrea." Yvonne prompts, it's been too long for a simple answer.
"No." There's no hiding the shakiness in her voice.
"Look at me Andrea." Yvonne says compelling Andrea to show her friend her face, stained by tiny tear tracks.
"What is it?" Alarm crosses Yvonne's face and she immediately pulls the car up safely. Instinctively Andrea bites her lip but there's nothing that can block her words.
"I want him back Yvonne." She dissolves into tears, clinging to the embrace of her friend. "I love him."
Yvonne's voice is soothing, tying to calm Andrea who's feeling better about opening up, even if it is a half-truth. She still allows her tears to flow unabated for the first time – she's tired of being strong and trying to suppress her feelings, always telling herself she shouldn't be with him, tired of guilt being her companion, most of all missing him.
"I'm sorry, I only just realised how much you love this guy."
Yvonne doesn't comment on the damp tear patch on her shoulder. "I've never seen anything or anyone mess you up this bad."
"I want him back Yvonne but I think he's seen life goes on fine without me."
"Don't be stupid if he really loves you, it might just take some time." Yvonne pulls Andrea in closer and then releases her from the embrace. "You alright?"
"I am." Andrea runs her index finger under her eyes, wiping away the last of her tears.
"You wanna go out and talk about it later?" Yvonne slides the car back into the traffic.
"The last thing you need is to host a two person pity party." Andrea smiles, "but thanks."
She stares out her car window at the imposing brick wall; the iron gate is ajar, beckoning for Andrea to push through. She's going to have to make a decision soon because the car is cooling and a woman sitting alone in a car looks suspicious. Grabbing her coat from the backseat, Andrea takes long steps crossing the street and pushes her way through the gate, closing but not locking it behind her. The garden is dark, shadows barely cast by the muted light through light curtains from the flats above. Still she can make out the chair and the tall trees that shade the garden of a day.
It's where Neil brought her for a picnic, when he told her he came there to think. It's where Andrea rescued him and right now she needs to think, no one's coming for her, the onus is on her. The chair is damp but it's a spot that holds only positive memories for her, most of all its quiet and she knows why Neil loves it.
In her minds eye she sees him smiling, the creases in the corner of his mouth, the way his eyes smile, sometimes she swears there's a sparkle just for her. He's a gentleman, the old fashioned type that opens the door for her and knows just how a woman should be treated, he reminds her of her grandparents who were so courteous towards one another. The way he had to be invited into her flat the first time, he wanted to talk about how he felt for her first, dancing around the issue, even getting her permission to be honest, honesty that had lead to their second kiss. He'd made no secret of his married situation, there are no games to play with Neil when it comes to how he feels, she can even respect the fact he pulled back after the first time they made love, needing to be sure before they were in too deep and Andrea ended up getting hurt.
There's the way his hand slides into hers, a perfect fit, his secure clasp a physical expression of how he values her. A small touch on the arm, shoulder, leg, small of her back, whatever, serves as a reminder for both that they're still here, sometimes she thinks it became necessary for constant contact as if they needed to 'touch base' every so often. Andrea wonders if they needed a reminder every so often that the other was real. She always finds herself cradled in his arms after they've made love, as if she may disappear and become just a figment of his imagination. No matter what way he holds and touches her it's always as though she's the most precious thing in his life.
There's not an inch of her body he doesn't know and love, he'd recognise her instantly by the gentle curves of her hips, the rounding of her calves, her dark hair that waves its way across the pillow and the dimple that is her navel. He can find her lips in utter darkness with his feather light touch that makes her spine tingle. He loves every bump and imperfection she doesn't, her nose she complains of and he simply rests his next to hers, kissing her on her top lip. He's rubbed her stomach when he thought she was sick and massaged her ankle when she tripped and fell on the croquet lawn.
It puts her at ease that he accepts her for who she is, even laughing at her single woman behaviour, the frozen meals she sometimes burns, The Bill on television she watches religiously, the clothes that she wears only in the flat that would be politely declined by a charity, when she sings at the top of her voice with a love song on the radio, sometimes dancing through the flat.
He respects her as a copper and a person; from the beginning he told her he wasn't afraid of a bright woman. She loves that one of the attractions for him was her intelligence. She knows she can take anything to him and he'll respect her opinion and trusts her judgement. She's ambitious enough to want to work under him one day. She doesn't begrudge having to call him 'Sir' especially when he looks at her the way he does inside his office.
He can sense small nuances in her mood, he's in tune to when she's not herself, even when it goes unnoticed by others, a visit from Bruce always has him asking and although he says she can tell him anything, she can't tell him that. It was an under utilised aspect of their relationship by her, she knows he'd have supported her through the whole Smithy – Gabriel – MIT rape mess and he'd have relished the chance to be involved with her life even if it was to play the heavy. Than again how would he explain how he knew fine details, it would have been too obvious he was the protective partner.
Their baby would have been supported as would she and after the rough patches they'd have made a life together. He'd taken charge when she fainted to the point of being overprotective, she'd basked in it, enjoying each moment feeling loved and protected. Steve had told her how Neil had given him a dressing down after Andrea was injured in the club, he'd tried to stop her from going to the cordon on Taft Street after Kerry was shot, and he'd asked her to take it easy when they were being shadowed by SO19. She felt safer just knowing he was sitting in his office worried about her.
There'd been the expensive weekend away he'd paid for refusing to split the bill, the rebuff of Andrea buying the red dress for the same occasion and the small gifts at the markets all of which they'd never spoken of again. Although she complained in the past he'd always made cancelled dates up to her, sometimes without an appreciative attitude from her.
Of course the one thing she's forgotten is the most important one that ties all the things she misses about him together – he loves her.
The cold has crept inside her jacket and although she shivers periodically she doesn't notice. The tears that flowed while she was remembering continue till she has no more tears to cry. Only then does Andrea pull her coat closer around her and leave the garden.
She sleeps in her clothes on top of her bed that night, wishing she had something of his she could hold onto.
To be continued…In the next story. ID - 2611364
